Not everybody in life is going to get along.
That’s just a simple fact.
What’s not simple is the certain types of people in people’s lives that don’t mesh.
For instance, parents disliking a romantic partner?
Not a great situation.
Best friends and romantic partners sparring?
That can be an even worse situation.
Redditor CallMeHottie wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my friend I don’t want to be in her wedding party because I’m not comfortable with her fiancé?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 F[emale]) have been friends with Rhian (26 F) for over 10 years.”
“We’ve been through a lot together, and I thought we were super close.”
“Recently, she got engaged to Fred (28 M[ale]), and while I’ve met him a few times, I never really clicked with him.”
“I’ll admit, he’s kind of… dismissive of me.”
“He makes sarcastic comments whenever I talk, and I’ve overheard him talking behind my back a couple of times about how ‘weird’ I am. “
“Rhian doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she just brushes it off.”
“Now, Rhian has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.”
“At first, I was excited, but the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt being in the same space with Fred for an entire wedding.”
“I don’t want to cause drama, but I don’t think I can pretend everything’s fine when he clearly doesn’t like me.”
“I talked to Rhian about it and told her I didn’t feel comfortable being in the wedding party because of the tension with Fred.”
“She got really upset and said I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I was being selfish for not supporting her on her big day.”
“She even said I was ‘ruining’ the friendship because I can’t just suck it up.”
“I know this situation affects Rhian, and she might feel hurt that I’m not supporting her wedding fully.”
“I’m worried that by not just pushing through my discomfort, I could be coming off as selfish or unwilling to be there for her in the way she needs.”
“She’s my best friend, and I don’t want to lose her over this, but I also don’t feel right pretending everything’s okay with Fred.”
“Now, I’m wondering if I overreacted.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not wanting to be in her wedding party because of Fred?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA but you have to decide what’s more important to you- being there for your friend or standing on your principles.”
“She’s not going to see it how you see it and this could potentially end your friendship with her for the foreseeable future.”
“Is that what you want?”
“This is not your fault but being realistic here.”
“You could participate and just avoid him.”
“Or you can just bow out but if you don’t participate, are you ready to lose your friend?”
“If that answer is yes, then you made your choice.” ~ WickedAngelLove
“Agreed. And if you can’t tolerate being with him for a few hours, how will you be there when your friend has other family events or even just things at her house?”
“How can you have a friendship when you refuse to be around the person she chose to marry?”
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a friend who can’t be in the same room as my SO and feeling like I have to hide that part of my life from them.” ~ brave_cat1984
“If you have such a big problem with Fred that you can’t be in the same space as him for the duration of a wedding, then I’m sorry but your friendship is gonna die.”
“I think your feelings are perfectly valid, but you have to be aware of what it will likely cost you and decide if that is worth it.” ~ Ignantsage
“NAH. I guess I’m puzzled though, because I don’t see how this is any different than existing in a world where he also does and you want to remain friends with her anyway.”
“Are you saying you also then won’t to the wedding at all?”
“Do you refuse to go to dinner with them?”
“I don’t see how standing up supporting your friend, regardless of if she’s making a mistake, makes any difference in the reality of What you have to endure being around him.”
“Please know I’m not dismissing your thoughts he may be a total complete a**hole, but I don’t see how taking this one stand, by not standing up for her, is where you draw the line.” ~ dart1126
“NAH, she invited you and you declined.”
“Neither is wrong, but your friendship will most likely end if you don’t attend.”
“It’s your choice, there are no wrong answers here.” ~ Active-Variation3195
“I may be in the wrong, but there are plenty of situations in life where you’re not comfortable with everyone around you – school, work, family reunions, and so on.”
“Some of these are more obligatory than others, of course, and you’re not in the wrong for not feeling comfortable and wanting to preserve yourself where you can, for example not attending a wedding.”
“You just have to weigh the pros and cons: is being slightly uncomfortable (I say slightly because you don’t have to interact with the groom for any of the party, I assume other friends of yours are gonna be at the event) for a few hours worse than losing this friendship?”
“You’re NTA for feeling how you feel, but so isn’t your friend.”
“All of this to say that since you’ve already rejected the offer, I don’t think your friendship will be the same for a while, even if you do decide to attend/accept the role.”
“So also take that into consideration, if that changes anything for you.” ~ tururump3
“Agree, and I say NAH.”
“Years ago, my sister and I had to decide if we wanted to be bridesmaids for a friend.”
“Neither of us disliked the guy, and he hadn’t done anything WRONG.”
“We just felt he was dead weight and would hold her down.”
“They already had a baby together as teens, but she was still working hard to overcome the obstacles in her path.”
“Him, not so much.”
“Yes, our situation was a little different.”
“But similar enough that I bring it up.”
“We wondered if, by being bridesmaids, we were ‘endorsing’ the marriage.”
“But we decided that it was most important to be there for our friend, even if we secretly thought she was making a mistake.”
“It wasn’t like he was abusive or anything.”
“We’ve never regretted it.”
“We barely had to interact with him, either.”
“And their marriage only lasted a few years – our friend eventually shed the dead weight on her own.” ~ TheMapleKind19
“NTA. When you spoke with her, did she at all acknowledge the way her fiancée behaved toward you?”
“What did she say in response to that?”
“Does she think you’re overexaggerating?”
“Has she seen it herself?” ~ Poison-Ivy-0
“I like this one… to help you feel better, when I was previously married, I felt a little uncomfortable about it.”
“After the divorce, it was interesting to find out how many other people had awkward feelings too.”
“Maybe she feels the same l, but is caught up in someone wanting to marry her.”
“Even my mom said something, I was like, in my whole life, the time to be a mom and say something was before I got married.”
“If she does go through with it, you can be a bridesmaid next time.”
“The odds that you’ll stay friends after they are married seem low anyway.”
“Are you the AH?”
“Not in my eyes.”
“You’re a good friend because you said something.”
“Significant others should joke and be fun, but not sarcastic a**holes.” ~ Electronic-Walk-7043
“NAH. You’re allowed to decide, and Rhian is allowed to decide that she only wants to be around people who support both her and her new husband.”
“Sometimes friends want different things, and it’s OK to let the friendship end.” ~ RickRussellTX
“Your NTA, your friend is though, because she has continued to let him talk badly about you.”
“She’s the one who has damaged this friendship.” ~ wishingforarainyday
“NTA. Weddings are emotionally charged events, and your friend likely feels blindsided and hurt that you’d decline such an important role in her life, especially over your discomfort with her fiancé.”
“However your reasoning isn’t selfish it’s about self-preservation.”
“Her fiancé sounds like a jerk his behaviour towards you is dismissive and disrespectful.”
“If he makes you feel bad about yourself that’s not an environment anyone would want to be stuck in for an entire wedding season.”
“That said the way you presented this to your friend matters.”
“Did you emphasize how much your relationship with her means to you and that your problem isn’t with her but with her fiancé’s behavior towards you?”
“If you framed it as I don’t wanna be in your wedding because I don’t like your fiancé then yeah it’s understandable why she’s upset.”
“A better approach might have been to find a middle ground agreeing to attend her wedding as a guest and supporting her without being in the direct line of fire.”
“Your friend’s reaction also suggests that she might be blind to or dismissive of her fiancé’s flaws.”
“If she’s unwilling to acknowledge your concerns that might be a red flag in your relationship with her not just in her relationship with him.”
“You’re not obligated to endure mistreatment for the sake of appearances.”
“That said if you want to preserve the friendship consider revisiting the conversation with more focus on how you care for her and want to be part of her life even if not in her wedding party.” ~ Yupkook
“NTA. But it will affect your friendship as she will see It as you asking to choose between her and her fiancé.”
“It’s understandable not wanting to be in the same space with someone who has hostility towards you, and Rhian chooses to be blind to it because she is in love with the man.”
“He will be part of your life because he is Rhian’s spouse, so even if you muscle through the wedding, realize the sin may be setting on this friendship” ~ ConsequenceSafe1309
“NTA. Have you talked to her about the things her fiancé has said?”
“She might not realize what’s going on, and might be upset too.”
“Or she’s just a bad friend and doesn’t give a s**t.”
“Either way it’s not on you.” ~ Odd-Village-995
“NTA – You are allowed to have an opinion.”
“However, friendship is now over, it won’t ever recover.” ~ ooral
“NTA… you shouldn’t have to allow someone to disrespect you repeatedly.”
“Your friend either hasn’t noticed or hasn’t cared, neither of which is good for your relationship in the first place.”
“Not being a bridesmaid is not what will define the relationship, it has already been falling apart by her inaction.” ~ Justmonika96
“NTA – but understand that either way, your friendship may be over.”
“I was M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] for a good friend.”
“Her husband and I did not like each other, he’s an a** hat, bigot, ignorant… I could go on and on.”
“At the end of the day, she chose to marry him.”
“When he said I was a bad influence and didn’t want me around (I dared tell her about a house for sale close to me that had a clutch pearls black family living on that street) I lost my friend.”
“She chose her husband (you really should choose your spouse) over me, but yeah, it’s been 20+ years since we have spoken.” ~ According-Paint6981
“NTA… You should’ve told your friend about her fiancée, but overall you don’t need to go to the wedding if you don’t want to.”
“Will this potentially ruin your 10-year friendship with her?”
“Yes, but considering the fact that you aren’t fond of her soon-to-be husband, you’d end up seeing him often if you were to maintain a friendship with her.”
“If she does know about her fiancé’s behavior around you, then maybe she should suck it up and accept the fact that you won’t be going to the wedding.”
“You don’t have to go out of your comfort zone for anybody.” ~ Leoho69
“NTA, if she was really your friend, she would have handled this situation long ago; the way that she’s overlooking your very VALID feelings about this is extremely selfish.”
“One lesson I’ve learned in life is never put yourself in a situation you’re uncomfortable with for someone else’s benefit.”
“I personally wouldn’t go.” ~ Beneficial_Glove_819
“She is fully aware of his behavior because she wants you to just suck it up.”
“She is not your friend anymore.”
“Just walk away. NTA.” ~ KarizmaWithaK
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have to put health and safety first.
A true friend would want to help, not make all of this worse.
Why hasn’t she intervened and spoken to you to figure this out?
If she cared, she would.
Keep taking care of you.
Good luck.