Every generation of parents carries with it different goals and beliefs about parenting and raising children who will grow to be contributing members of society.
Some parents in the current wave are very concerned about free thinking, independence, and physical and societal freedom, but there are potential consequences to going so dramatically against the grain, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AppointmentOk2025's sister was practicing what she called "gentle parenting" while emphasizing free expression, both emotionally and physically, which made it difficult for her daughter to maintain friendships.
When the Original Poster (OP) started trying to teach his niece some manners, she was incredibly receptive to the idea, but his sister was furious, accused him of oppressing her, and banned him from future babysitting.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for secretly teaching my niece manners because my sister is raising her to be 'free'?"
The OP questioned his sister's style of parenting.
"My sister (33 Female) is into this weird parenting thing where she lets her daughter, Riley (7 Female), do literally anything."
"She calls it 'gentle parenting,' but honestly, it just feels like no rules at all. Riley screams at strangers, throws food at people, talks over everyone, and barks at waiters (yes, that happened)."
"My sister just smiles and says, 'She's expressing herself,' and things like, 'I don't want to limit her personality.'"
The OP started slowly but surely teaching his niece some manners.
"I (27 Male) babysit her maybe twice a month. After a few times of getting food thrown at me and her yelling at my face, I decided to start teaching her some basic manners."
"I just taught her very simple things like saying please and thank you, waiting your turn, not hitting people, that kinda stuff. I didn't make it a big deal, just small things while I was watching her."
The OP's niece was incredibly receptive to the feedback.
"The thing is… she didn't fight it. The first time I asked her to say thank you, she just said, 'Okay,' and moved on."
"The next time, she asked me if 'being polite makes people like you.'"
"Another time, she said, 'I don't yell with you.' That one kinda hit me."
But the OP's sister was furious when she found out what he was doing.
"Then last week at dinner, she corrected my sister and said, 'You forgot to say please.'"
"My sister flipped out. She said I'm 'colonizing her daughter's mind' and 'teaching her to be submissive to authority' or whatever."
"She banned me from babysitting and made this long Facebook post about how I 'undermined her parenting.' Now all her crunchy mom friends are in the comments calling me controlling and toxic."
"Now Riley keeps asking when she can see me again."
"My mom's on my side. My sister's husband is staying out of it."
"I kinda feel bad but also don't?? I just didn't want my niece to grow up acting like a psycho in public, and she seemed happy when I was teaching her the basics."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt terrible for the niece when she wondered if manners would help people like her.
"The part that stood out to me was 'being polite makes people like you.'"
"It makes me think she has no friends."
"NTA." - Unlikely-Shop5114
"Honestly, if she throws food, hits, barks at strangers etc., she probably doesn't have friends or many people who are even willing to tolerate being around her."
"IF she's in school, which is a big f**king if, because if basic manners is 'colonizing her mind,' god knows what OP's insane sister thinks education is, I'd bet there's some form of Unschooling going on, I'm sure the other kids are going to avoid her like the plague."
"If she's homeschooling, the only other families likely to be willing to tolerate her basically running feral are probably as bad, and their kids equally as socially unequipped and unable to treat people well enough to make friends."
"At some point, this is actual neglect. She's raising a child who is going to be utterly unequipped to function in the world." - mhmcmw
"This little girl looking up to her uncle and asking him if having manners will help more people like her hit me so hard."
"That poor kid. She doesn't need to 'express herself,' she needs a parent who gives enough of a damn to show her how to behave in society and not end up shunned by everyone else."
"And honestly, that goes for her dad, too. You don't get to 'stay out of' parenting your own kid. They're setting the poor girl up for failure in life." - HoldFastO2
"Peer relationships are critical for young children's development. If she's not able to make friends now, it's going to get harder and harder, because she'll have missed the building blocks of friendship that the other kids have already learned."
"For what it's worth, we gentle-parent, and it does not mean letting your kid do whatever they want. It's having firm boundaries and holding those boundaries while also being respectful to your child. Makes me CRAZY when people interpret it like this." - mrsgrabs
"My husband has a friend (I can't stand the guy, admittedly) with a daughter just a few months younger than our son. The daughter has zero boundaries, absolutely none. She simply doesn't recognize social cues; at the age of eight, she should know some by now."
"The parents are no longer together, the Mom is overwhelmed with four other kids, and the Dad is a useless piece of s**t who corrects nothing and takes his daughter to friends' houses when he has her so he can sit on his a** and the friends' kids just sort of 'babysit.'"
"But no one likes this poor kid. My son is a very social child, but even he shrinks away from the Daughter because he just doesn't know how to handle her."
"When she had a birthday party, not one of her classmates came (my husband took our son, and he was the only one who went other than some family cousins). That broke my heart. I can't personally stand her, but I also know that no one is teaching her anything, so it's not her fault."
"I hurt for the OP's niece that she'll probably face the same fate, and because she's asking the OP for feedback, it's clear that she cares."
"Also, OP is NTA." - MyCatSpellsBetter
Others agreed and said setting boundaries is key to showing children love.
"NTA. Boundaries feel like love to children because they are."
"You demonstrated to her that someone gives a crap about her and whatever she may or may not do. Someone cares."
"You gave her more than manners, OP. You probably gave her some confidence and some self-esteem, too." - Imaginary-Style918
"Children crave discipline, order, and consistency to help make sense of the big world as they mature. That structure builds trust. NTA at all." - RoyaltyN188
"I have a stepkid, and we enforce pretty standard rules/boundaries at our house (lately I've been harping on chewing with one's mouth closed and not talking with food in your mouth), and her mother very clearly wants to be seen as the 'fun' parent with few rules, and they are all very codependent over there."
"But we maintain consistent expectations at our house and encourage her to be independent, and I truly think she appreciates the stability and consistency in expectations."
"Also, notice that this little girl is asking over and over when she'll get to see her uncle again, even though he's 'controlling and toxic' and making her be 'submissive.' She's craving the attention and care he gives her, and she's craving the structure, whether her mother likes it or not." - Resident_Delay_2936
"NTA. My dad was a guidance counselor with a master's. He said children seek boundaries to feel safe. Once they know where the boundaries are, they know they are safe if they stay within them. It is a disservice not to provide those boundaries." - Alisa-Stoll
"I wish this kind of neglect was seen and prosecuted as the crime it is. Morally, is there really that much difference between refusing to teach your kid a single social skill so they can't function in the world and can't leave you, and physically chaining them up so they can't leave you?" - oceanteeth
"Yeah, that's not gentle parenting. The OP is NTA."
"Gentle parenting is just teaching through conversations and logical consequences rather than strict rules and punishment. OP is gentle parenting, and the niece wants that because her parents are NOT providing guidance."
"If parenting methods were on a scale of least restrictive to most restrictive, gentle parenting and authoritative parenting should fall right in the middle. Both of these styles hold clear, but not excessive, boundaries."
"On the least restrictive side would be permissive parenting, and on the most restrictive would be authoritarian parenting. On the far ends of the scale would be neglect and physical abuse."
"It sounds like the niece's upbringing is falling somewhere on the permissive/neglect end, and the OP was just trying to bring her to the middle where we all deserve to be." - FlamingDragonfruit
"As a kid who grew up with few boundaries, it just feels like neglect. I didn't feel loved. It felt like the effort of setting and enforcing boundaries would require more effort from my parents, more effort than they deemed me worth."
"I had friends with strict parents. Who NOTICED when they weren't home and called around to check on them. Who required kids to be home for dinner to eat with the family." - Wonderful_Minute31
"NTA. Children CRAVE discipline, attention, and direction. This story is absolutely proof of that. This kid wants to be told how to behave and have people like her. It's heartbreaking."
"It also feels like, rather than no rules, the mom is actually trying to teach her kid to behave exactly contrary to societal expectations."
"I also felt that a lot when I was younger. I had parents who gave me a lot of freedom and didn't pay a lot of attention to what I did as a teen. It didn't make me feel free. It made me feel lonely and confused." - notaverage256
The subReddit was genuinely sad for the OP's niece and the fact that he was being blocked from helping her in a way her parents refused to. It was clear to them that she was not being given guidance in day-to-day life that would set her up for success, but worse, she was craving it and asking for it from the OP.
While boundaries might not feel fun, they're a vital part of raising children, setting them up for success, and yes, showing them love, not limiting their freedoms.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.