Every generation of parents carries with it different goals and beliefs about parenting and raising children who will grow to be contributing members of society.
Some parents in the current wave are very concerned about free thinking, independence, and physical and societal freedom, but there are potential consequences to going so dramatically against the grain, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AppointmentOk2025's sister was practicing what she called "gentle parenting" while emphasizing free expression, both emotionally and physically, which made it difficult for her daughter to maintain friendships.
When the Original Poster (OP) started trying to teach his niece some manners, she was incredibly receptive to the idea, but his sister was furious, accused him of oppressing her, and banned him from future babysitting.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for secretly teaching my niece manners because my sister is raising her to be 'free'?"
The OP questioned his sister's style of parenting.
"My sister (33 Female) is into this weird parenting thing where she lets her daughter, Riley (7 Female), do literally anything."
"She calls it 'gentle parenting,' but honestly, it just feels like no rules at all. Riley screams at strangers, throws food at people, talks over everyone, and barks at waiters (yes, that happened)."
"My sister just smiles and says, 'She's expressing herself,' and things like, 'I don't want to limit her personality.'"
The OP started slowly but surely teaching his niece some manners.
"I (27 Male) babysit her maybe twice a month. After a few times of getting food thrown at me and her yelling at my face, I decided to start teaching her some basic manners."
"I just taught her very simple things like saying please and thank you, waiting your turn, not hitting people, that kinda stuff. I didn't make it a big deal, just small things while I was watching her."
The OP's niece was incredibly receptive to the feedback.
"The thing is… she didn't fight it. The first time I asked her to say thank you, she just said, 'Okay,' and moved on."
"The next time, she asked me if 'being polite makes people like you.'"
"Another time, she said, 'I don't yell with you.' That one kinda hit me."
But the OP's sister was furious when she found out what he was doing.
"Then last week at dinner, she corrected my sister and said, 'You forgot to say please.'"
"My sister flipped out. She said I'm 'colonizing her daughter's mind' and 'teaching her to be submissive to authority' or whatever."
"She banned me from babysitting and made this long Facebook post about how I 'undermined her parenting.' Now all her crunchy mom friends are in the comments calling me controlling and toxic."
"Now Riley keeps asking when she can see me again."
"My mom's on my side. My sister's husband is staying out of it."
"I kinda feel bad but also don't?? I just didn't want my niece to grow up acting like a psycho in public, and she seemed happy when I was teaching her the basics."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt terrible for the niece when she wondered if manners would help people like her.
"The part that stood out to me was 'being polite makes people like you.'"
"It makes me think she has no friends."
"NTA." - Unlikely-Shop5114
"Honestly, if she throws food, hits, barks at strangers etc., she probably doesn't have friends or many people who are even willing to tolerate being around her."
"IF she's in school, which is a big f**king if, because if basic manners is 'colonizing her mind,' god knows what OP's insane sister thinks education is, I'd bet there's some form of Unschooling going on, I'm sure the other kids are going to avoid her like the plague."
"If she's homeschooling, the only other families likely to be willing to tolerate her basically running feral are probably as bad, and their kids equally as socially unequipped and unable to treat people well enough to make friends."
"At some point, this is actual neglect. She's raising a child who is going to be utterly unequipped to function in the world." - mhmcmw
"This little girl looking up to her uncle and asking him if having manners will help more people like her hit me so hard."
"That poor kid. She doesn't need to 'express herself,' she needs a parent who gives enough of a damn to show her how to behave in society and not end up shunned by everyone else."
"And honestly, that goes for her dad, too. You don't get to 'stay out of' parenting your own kid. They're setting the poor girl up for failure in life." - HoldFastO2
"Peer relationships are critical for young children's development. If she's not able to make friends now, it's going to get harder and harder, because she'll have missed the building blocks of friendship that the other kids have already learned."
"For what it's worth, we gentle-parent, and it does not mean letting your kid do whatever they want. It's having firm boundaries and holding those boundaries while also being respectful to your child. Makes me CRAZY when people interpret it like this." - mrsgrabs
"My husband has a friend (I can't stand the guy, admittedly) with a daughter just a few months younger than our son. The daughter has zero boundaries, absolutely none. She simply doesn't recognize social cues; at the age of eight, she should know some by now."
"The parents are no longer together, the Mom is overwhelmed with four other kids, and the Dad is a useless piece of s**t who corrects nothing and takes his daughter to friends' houses when he has her so he can sit on his a** and the friends' kids just sort of 'babysit.'"
"But no one likes this poor kid. My son is a very social child, but even he shrinks away from the Daughter because he just doesn't know how to handle her."
"When she had a birthday party, not one of her classmates came (my husband took our son, and he was the only one who went other than some family cousins). That broke my heart. I can't personally stand her, but I also know that no one is teaching her anything, so it's not her fault."
"I hurt for the OP's niece that she'll probably face the same fate, and because she's asking the OP for feedback, it's clear that she cares."
"Also, OP is NTA." - MyCatSpellsBetter
Others agreed and said setting boundaries is key to showing children love.
"NTA. Boundaries feel like love to children because they are."
"You demonstrated to her that someone gives a crap about her and whatever she may or may not do. Someone cares."
"You gave her more than manners, OP. You probably gave her some confidence and some self-esteem, too." - Imaginary-Style918
"Children crave discipline, order, and consistency to help make sense of the big world as they mature. That structure builds trust. NTA at all." - RoyaltyN188
"I have a stepkid, and we enforce pretty standard rules/boundaries at our house (lately I've been harping on chewing with one's mouth closed and not talking with food in your mouth), and her mother very clearly wants to be seen as the 'fun' parent with few rules, and they are all very codependent over there."
"But we maintain consistent expectations at our house and encourage her to be independent, and I truly think she appreciates the stability and consistency in expectations."
"Also, notice that this little girl is asking over and over when she'll get to see her uncle again, even though he's 'controlling and toxic' and making her be 'submissive.' She's craving the attention and care he gives her, and she's craving the structure, whether her mother likes it or not." - Resident_Delay_2936
"NTA. My dad was a guidance counselor with a master's. He said children seek boundaries to feel safe. Once they know where the boundaries are, they know they are safe if they stay within them. It is a disservice not to provide those boundaries." - Alisa-Stoll
"I wish this kind of neglect was seen and prosecuted as the crime it is. Morally, is there really that much difference between refusing to teach your kid a single social skill so they can't function in the world and can't leave you, and physically chaining them up so they can't leave you?" - oceanteeth
"Yeah, that's not gentle parenting. The OP is NTA."
"Gentle parenting is just teaching through conversations and logical consequences rather than strict rules and punishment. OP is gentle parenting, and the niece wants that because her parents are NOT providing guidance."
"If parenting methods were on a scale of least restrictive to most restrictive, gentle parenting and authoritative parenting should fall right in the middle. Both of these styles hold clear, but not excessive, boundaries."
"On the least restrictive side would be permissive parenting, and on the most restrictive would be authoritarian parenting. On the far ends of the scale would be neglect and physical abuse."
"It sounds like the niece's upbringing is falling somewhere on the permissive/neglect end, and the OP was just trying to bring her to the middle where we all deserve to be." - FlamingDragonfruit
"As a kid who grew up with few boundaries, it just feels like neglect. I didn't feel loved. It felt like the effort of setting and enforcing boundaries would require more effort from my parents, more effort than they deemed me worth."
"I had friends with strict parents. Who NOTICED when they weren't home and called around to check on them. Who required kids to be home for dinner to eat with the family." - Wonderful_Minute31
"NTA. Children CRAVE discipline, attention, and direction. This story is absolutely proof of that. This kid wants to be told how to behave and have people like her. It's heartbreaking."
"It also feels like, rather than no rules, the mom is actually trying to teach her kid to behave exactly contrary to societal expectations."
"I also felt that a lot when I was younger. I had parents who gave me a lot of freedom and didn't pay a lot of attention to what I did as a teen. It didn't make me feel free. It made me feel lonely and confused." - notaverage256
The subReddit was genuinely sad for the OP's niece and the fact that he was being blocked from helping her in a way her parents refused to. It was clear to them that she was not being given guidance in day-to-day life that would set her up for success, but worse, she was craving it and asking for it from the OP.
While boundaries might not feel fun, they're a vital part of raising children, setting them up for success, and yes, showing them love, not limiting their freedoms.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp