A funeral is something no one ever looks forward to.
Even if it does reunite you with close friends and family, and there is some joy to be found in the life you are celebrating, it’s hard to escape from the cloud of the occasion.
As attending a funeral is bound to result in sadness and grief.
As well as a fair amount of inconvenience and frustration, owing to the fact that you can’t plan around it.
Redditor SensitiveOrder1986 recently lost their father.
Making the already unenviable task of planning the funeral all the more difficult was that the original poster (OP)’s aunt was making numerous requests in regards to it.
While the OP’s aunt claimed that these requests were all with the family in mind, the OP was slowly beginning to realize that these requests were merely inconveniencing everyone.
Leading to the OP to put a hard stop to these requests.
Worried they may have hurt their aunt’s feelings, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to reschedule a funeral?”
The OP explained why how their aunt was making planning their father’s funeral unnecessarily difficult:
“Will try to be brief.”
“My dad passed away and we are organizing his funeral.”
“A relative (his sister) has made numerous requests of us, amounting to changing the date of the funeral 3 times for them.”
“The funeral director is getting increasingly annoyed and made this clear.”
“They have now come to me today requesting another date change because two in-laws (spouses of their son and daughter, my two separate cousins) and a nephew cannot attend due to two cases of work training and a holiday respectively.”
“A distant relative in Australia has also mentioned they would not be able to log onto the funeral’s web livestream at that time due to having to attend a meeting.”
“If we were to accommodate this, this would push the funeral back to late June/early July meaning we would lose out on a wake (the venue owner is a friend and has offered to cover it, within limits of course) and mean friends who’ve really stepped up for us wouldn’t be able to attend.”
“When this was mentioned, she started saying how family are more important and it would upset my dad more if his family couldn’t be there.”
“One of the ‘family members’ who can’t attend only met my dad twice.”
“This is also the same family that have requested various add-ons (the livestream, finger printing of the deceased, extra limousines etc.) without our prior knowledge or approval.”
“Finally at the end of my tether I simply said I’d be inclined to move the date back to the original (early May) to save money on embalming, so it would purposefully clash with her holiday.”
“I promptly hung up and have ignored all phone calls.”
“Naturally…I feel pretty f*cking guilty.”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to reschedule their father’s funeral.
Everyone agreed that funerals are not something that should be delayed, as they were not about conveniencing everyone, but about honoring the one who passed:
“NTA.”
“Your dad’s funeral is about honoring him not juggling everyone’s schedules.”
“Stand your ground.”
“you’ve been more than f*cking accommodating with three changes already.”
“Your father deserves to be laid to rest with dignity surrounded by people who genuinely cared for him.”
“The people who stepped up deserve to be there more than those who barely knew him.”
“Funeral arrangements aren’t democratic.”
“Your father’s actual loved ones matter more.”
“Your guilt is understandable but unnecessary.”
“That’s exactly what she’s counting on.”
“You deserve peace during this process too.”- Arorua_Mendes
“NTA.”
“First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“Grieving is already brutal without people piling on extra drama.”
“You’ve been incredibly patient already, three date changes to accommodate everyone else?”
“That’s above and beyond.”
“A funeral is meant to honor your father’s life, not be a never-ending negotiation session to fit everyone’s vacation schedules and work trainings.”
“Life doesn’t stop for every distant relative who wants convenience.”
“You’re not responsible for making sure every second cousin and their in-laws can attend.”
“You’re responsible for organizing a respectful farewell for your dad, in a way that feels right to you and the people who actually supported him (and you) in life.”
“Also, the fact that they’re trying to guilt-trip you while making expensive demands without your consent (livestreams, limos, etc.) just shows they’re more focused on appearances than on actual grief.”
“You didn’t ‘refuse to reschedule’ out of spite, you did it because enough is enough.”
“Setting boundaries doesn’t make you an a**hole; it makes you someone who is trying to survive a painful moment without losing your sanity.”
“Don’t feel guilty!”
“You honored your dad by trying to include people, but ultimately, this funeral is not about accommodating every single person’s personal calendar.”
“It’s about love, memory, and respect, and you’re doing that beautifully.”- Salt-Leek-5529
“NTA.”
“This is your parent’s funeral.”
“I assume you are next of kin.”
“Plan the funeral when it accommodates your schedule.”
“You will not be able to please everyone and you will not be able to accommodate everyone else.”
“What you can do, if you choose to do so, is have a memorial service a few months after the funeral.”
“Again, pick a date that works for you.”
“I very sorry for your loss.”- Worth-Season3645
“NTA.”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“We had a ton of funerals/cremations, never did we consider others in the time/date.”
“Direct family, like spouse and kids are important.”
“The rest can come or stay away, their pick.”
“No hard feelings either if a person can’t make it.”
“Especially with livestream, you can pull back in an office or outside and follow any where.”
“It is about the core family, not the rest.”
“Wish you and the relatives lots of strength and love in the upcoming time.”- nijmeegse79
“NTA.”
“If her being there were important to her, she would make it a priority.”
“You were crazy to reschedule THREE (!) times, don’t make it any more of a habit.”
“ONCE MIGHT have been reasonable.”- k23_k23
“NTA.”
“This is getting unreasonable.”
“Plan the funeral when you want it, if it matters to them they’ll make their best effort to get there.”
“Also the finger printing seems odd.”
“I have a paw print from my dead cat, but fingerprints of a human just seem to crime-adjacent to be a fond memory.”- HollyStone
“If family is supposedly so important and should take priority then why is a family member’s funeral taking second place to vacations and work?”
“Riddle me that.”
“NTA.”- My-2-Sense_
“You are NTA.”
“It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to fit everyone in, but we can’t.”
“My brother’s funeral was planned on a he might make it he might not basis after we waited over a month for his body to be released – we needed something to stop the limbo.”
“My gran told me not to come to hers whenever it might happen if it meant missing a holiday.”
“She was, unusually, at a loss for words when I pointed out that she’d be dead so wouldn’t have a say and we would all do what was right for us at the time!”
“Take a breath, remember your dad and those wonderful memories that he has left you with.”- Strange_Commercial97
“NTA.”
“Go with the original date.”
“The live stream will be saved on a website so it can be watched at any time.”
“Inform people of the service and then move on.”
“You cannot please them.”
“The most charitable way to describe them is they are not handling their grief well.”
“I don’t really believe that but if you can believe it, it might make it easier.”
“Sorry for your loss.”- houseonpost
“NTA.”
“Tell them ‘I’ve changed several times to accommodate people, but every change affects someone else’.”
“There will be no more changes’.”- OkeyDokey654
“NTA.”
“I cannot imagine being so dense that I’d ask someone to change a funeral for my schedule.”
“Change the vacation, cancel the meeting, whatever but that’s ridiculous.”- Last_Ask4923
“The only people who MUST be there are the immediate family, possibly his closest friends and the funeral director.”
“And the person who died, but his schedule is flexible.”
“NTA.”- Wenzdayzmom
If one were to cut the OP’s aunt any slack, they could argue that she is trying to process her grief, and planning a big celebration of her brother’s life is helping her do that.
Or, that perhaps she wants to delay the funeral as she’s not yet ready to say goodbye to her brother.
Even so, a funeral is not a party, or a social occasion, and should never be rescheduled in an effort to accommodate guests.
Perhaps if she and the OP shared their grief with one another, she might come to realize this.