In general, funerals are never an event people look forward to.
The funeral of a child is painful on a different level.
The loss of a young life is senseless and tragic.
And no matter how a person is connected to the deceased, whether family or friend, it can take a lifetime to process that kind of grief.
Redditor throawawayfuneralgho to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my wife my mother is correct and she needed to be a parent today and she f**ked it up?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am waiting in the airport, and I need to know if I f**ked up or not."
"This week, my daughter (she is in middle school) lost a classmate."
"My daughter has not taken it well, and overall, this is her first experience of someone she knows dying."
"The whole class was excused from school today, and the funeral is happening right now."
"I unfortunately could not be there."
"I tried, but my P[ersoanl] T[ime] O[ff] was denied, and I cannot lose this job."
"I flew out of wednesday night, and I am coming back now."
"Our daughter is a mess."
"She was friends with the girl who passed away."
"The plan was for my wife (she is unemployed at the moment) to take her to the funeral/mass and just be there."
"My wife is more spiritual than the average person and hates all things with the dead."
"Funerals, viewing, and so on."
"This one is only a mass funeral (no viewing)."
"She believes in ghosts and will avoid funerals like the plague."
"We discussed it on Wednesday, and she said she would take our kid and then go to the grave site."
"I got a call from my daughter sobbing that she wasn't going to the funeral."
"My wife was refusing to take her."
"When I got her to answer my call, she told me she can't do it, and she is scared to go."
"I called up my mom and asked her to pick up my daughter and take her to the funeral."
"My mom left work and took her (they are there now)."
"I got a call from my wife after, with her crying because my mom tore her a new one."
"The gist was my mom called her a bad parent, and that it is so f**ked up that she couldn't take out our kid to the funeral of a classmate."
"She wants me to make my mom apologize, and I told her my mom was right."
"That this was something that our daughter needed, and she f**ked up."
"That she wasn't acting like a parent because of her fear of the dead."
"All she needed to do was stay through mass."
"We got into a huge phone call argument, and she is calling me a huge di*k."
"My mom is apparently getting texts also, and I told her not to let our daughter know that we are fighting, and if she could look after her for the day."
"She agreed."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your wife let her own feelings get in the way of her daughter's."
"As a parent, she needs to get used to doing things that might make her uncomfortable for the sake of her child's mental health and well-being."
"Your wife let your daughter down today, and your daughter isn't going to forget that her mother wasn't there for her."
"They both need therapy; your daughter, because losing a friend at her age is absolutely traumatizing, and your wife, because her fear of death/ghosts led to her traumatizing your daughter even more." ~ tallcookie
"Yeah, the wife messed up."
"If it weren't for OP calling his mom to take his daughter, she would have missed her friend's funeral."
"That would have been worse."
"No closure, no support."
"This would traumatize the kid if you also add her mother letting her down."
"Wife could have just called OP's mom herself."
"She really needs to talk to her daughter and apologize."
"For the kid to see her mom back out like that might cause some repercussions."
"Starting not to trust her own mom for starters." ~ IceSeeker
"Truly spiritual people respect and understand death and the dead and the role of ritual in both helping a spirit pass and comforting the living."
"OP’s wife is immature, paranoid, and selfish, not spiritual." ~ feijoawhining
"I have a feeling the wife is more superstitious than spiritual."
"Most spiritual and religious practices I'm familiar with treat funerals and wakes as a natural part of life."
"There may definitely be some ritual superstition involved so as not to 'let the spirits follow you home' or 'bring back an omen of death,' but none of those superstitions actively prevent people from attending the funeral or wake itself."
"The only time I've ever heard of superstition preventing children from attending these events is when they're too young to be immunized against a large gathering of people, whatever language it's couched in."
"If the wife is picking and choosing what aspects of spiritual practice she wants to believe in, she made a series of stupid choices, even outside of how it affected her daughter." ~ your_average_plebian
"Yep, THIS is the answer!!!!"
"u/throawawayfuneralgho, you NEED to convince your wife to get into therapy to deal with this fear--because it's NOW direly ordered badly enough that it IS impacting her life and the life of your daughter, and causing additional harm and potentially creating trauma for your daughter."
"AND you NEED to get your daughter into some type of (ideally, Licensed Therapist-guided) grief-counseling, to manage both the loss of her friend and this breach in her relationship and ability to trust her mom to 'be the adult she needs.'"
"Family Therapy would honestly also be a good idea, so that this doesn't cause the type of rift that ends up with your daughter going Low-Contact/No-Contact at age 18 or so."
"Because your wife just basically taught your Daughter that she can't be TRUSTED to meet your daughter's needs."
"And her own comfort will always come before your daughter's emotional health and needs for unconditional love and support."
"And THAT is a huge breach of trust which DOES take time, and often outside help and structure to fix."
"And your kid may be feeling the need to 'emotionally babysit' her mom, which IS a form of abuse called 'Emotional Parentification'--that can lead to adulthood trauma in your daughter--been there doing that therapy now at age 50!)." ~ EmmerdoesNOTrepme
"Holy Smokes."
"NTA, but you've got a serious mess on your hands when you get home."
"If I were you, I'd focus on your daughter's broken heart for a while."
"Don't try to resolve the anger and mess with your wife's fear of the dead."
"When you get home, take your daughter out for a walk, a cry and a hug, and talk about what you can do together to remember her friend."
"Maybe write a story of a fun time together that she can give to the mom of her friend."
"Let the weird wife situation just lie dormant for a while."
"Don't apologize, but also don't be a d**k about it."
"When your daughter has been properly attended to, ask for a conversation with your wife."
"Tell her that you think she let her fears take over, and if she knew she couldn't take her daughter to the funeral of her friend, then SHE needed to be the one to arrange alternate transportation."
"The full drop off and ignoring her child was a bad parenting call." ~ mrmses
"NTA. The cardinal rule of parenting is to do what is best for your kid whenever it is possible."
"Your wife decided her discomfort was more important than your daughter‘s need for closure - that's simply a bad parenting decision/selfish action." ~ Other_Personality453
"She could have even taken her daughter to the funeral, dropped her off, and sat in the car."
"Heck, she could have arranged for another parent to pick her up and drop her off if she was that unwilling to suck it up for an afternoon."
"Instead, she made her child suffer emotionally because of her own feelings on the matter. NTA." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Thank you for making sure your daughter still had a way to get to the funeral, and doubly thank your mother for sacrificing her time because your wife sucks."
"It still would’ve been shi**y of her, but your wife could’ve even dropped your daughter off and arranged a ride home after!"
"She didn’t even think of solutions, only ways to be a problem."
"EDIT: I’d be heavily considering either couple’s counseling or divorce myself if my husband tried this with one of my kids." ~ Accomplished_Area311
"NTA- Your wife is scared of ghosts?"
"So scared she just refused to do something this important for your daughter?"
"Seriously?"
"It sounds like she needs therapy."
"Yes, your mom was 100% correct."
"She utterly failed as a parent." ~ MountainWeddingTog
"Exactly. I'd like to add that if OP doesn't address this, they are kinda an AH for ignoring the larger issue, which is that their child was clearly suffering, and her mom couldn't be there to support her."
"OP, does your wife act like an adult, or does she need to be taken care of?"
"Can she handle adult situations and decisions?"
"Can she handle/understand finances?"
"Does she often have breakdowns and complain about being overwhelmed?"
"Does she often make things about herself?"
"If yes, then she needs to grow up."
"In my opinion, she not only failed her child today but her marriage."
"I am a mother, and I am seething right now."
"She deserved to be chewed out by your mom, who likely did that because she has witnessed your wife act like a child for far too long and finally lost it." ~ Mrsnerd2U
Reddit is in full agreement with you, OP.
Reddit is also deeply concerned for your daughter's well-being.
Your wife's actions need to be addressed.
Everybody here may benefit from some counseling.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp