Mom Called Out By In-Laws For Refusing To Take Daughter To Classmate's Funeral Due To 'Fear Of The Dead'

In general, funerals are never an event people look forward to.

The funeral of a child is painful on a different level.

The loss of a young life is senseless and tragic.

And no matter how a person is connected to the deceased, whether family or friend, it can take a lifetime to process that kind of grief.

Redditor throawawayfuneralgho to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

They asked:

"AITA for telling my wife my mother is correct and she needed to be a parent today and she f**ked it up?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"I am waiting in the airport, and I need to know if I f**ked up or not."

"This week, my daughter (she is in middle school) lost a classmate."

"My daughter has not taken it well, and overall, this is her first experience of someone she knows dying."

"The whole class was excused from school today, and the funeral is happening right now."

"I unfortunately could not be there."

"I tried, but my P[ersoanl] T[ime] O[ff] was denied, and I cannot lose this job."

"I flew out of wednesday night, and I am coming back now."

"Our daughter is a mess."

"She was friends with the girl who passed away."

"The plan was for my wife (she is unemployed at the moment) to take her to the funeral/mass and just be there."

"My wife is more spiritual than the average person and hates all things with the dead."

"Funerals, viewing, and so on."

"This one is only a mass funeral (no viewing)."

"She believes in ghosts and will avoid funerals like the plague."

"We discussed it on Wednesday, and she said she would take our kid and then go to the grave site."

"I got a call from my daughter sobbing that she wasn't going to the funeral."

"My wife was refusing to take her."

"When I got her to answer my call, she told me she can't do it, and she is scared to go."

"I called up my mom and asked her to pick up my daughter and take her to the funeral."

"My mom left work and took her (they are there now)."

"I got a call from my wife after, with her crying because my mom tore her a new one."

"The gist was my mom called her a bad parent, and that it is so f**ked up that she couldn't take out our kid to the funeral of a classmate."

"She wants me to make my mom apologize, and I told her my mom was right."

"That this was something that our daughter needed, and she f**ked up."

"That she wasn't acting like a parent because of her fear of the dead."

"All she needed to do was stay through mass."

"We got into a huge phone call argument, and she is calling me a huge di*k."

"My mom is apparently getting texts also, and I told her not to let our daughter know that we are fighting, and if she could look after her for the day."

"She agreed."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So... AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA. Your wife let her own feelings get in the way of her daughter's."

"As a parent, she needs to get used to doing things that might make her uncomfortable for the sake of her child's mental health and well-being."

"Your wife let your daughter down today, and your daughter isn't going to forget that her mother wasn't there for her."

"They both need therapy; your daughter, because losing a friend at her age is absolutely traumatizing, and your wife, because her fear of death/ghosts led to her traumatizing your daughter even more." ~ tallcookie

"Yeah, the wife messed up."

"If it weren't for OP calling his mom to take his daughter, she would have missed her friend's funeral."

"That would have been worse."

"No closure, no support."

"This would traumatize the kid if you also add her mother letting her down."

"Wife could have just called OP's mom herself."

"She really needs to talk to her daughter and apologize."

"For the kid to see her mom back out like that might cause some repercussions."

"Starting not to trust her own mom for starters." ~ IceSeeker

"Truly spiritual people respect and understand death and the dead and the role of ritual in both helping a spirit pass and comforting the living."

"OP’s wife is immature, paranoid, and selfish, not spiritual." ~ feijoawhining

"I have a feeling the wife is more superstitious than spiritual."

"Most spiritual and religious practices I'm familiar with treat funerals and wakes as a natural part of life."

"There may definitely be some ritual superstition involved so as not to 'let the spirits follow you home' or 'bring back an omen of death,' but none of those superstitions actively prevent people from attending the funeral or wake itself."

"The only time I've ever heard of superstition preventing children from attending these events is when they're too young to be immunized against a large gathering of people, whatever language it's couched in."

"If the wife is picking and choosing what aspects of spiritual practice she wants to believe in, she made a series of stupid choices, even outside of how it affected her daughter." ~ your_average_plebian

"Yep, THIS is the answer!!!!"

"u/throawawayfuneralgho, you NEED to convince your wife to get into therapy to deal with this fear--because it's NOW direly ordered badly enough that it IS impacting her life and the life of your daughter, and causing additional harm and potentially creating trauma for your daughter."

"AND you NEED to get your daughter into some type of (ideally, Licensed Therapist-guided) grief-counseling, to manage both the loss of her friend and this breach in her relationship and ability to trust her mom to 'be the adult she needs.'"

"Family Therapy would honestly also be a good idea, so that this doesn't cause the type of rift that ends up with your daughter going Low-Contact/No-Contact at age 18 or so."

"Because your wife just basically taught your Daughter that she can't be TRUSTED to meet your daughter's needs."

"And her own comfort will always come before your daughter's emotional health and needs for unconditional love and support."

"And THAT is a huge breach of trust which DOES take time, and often outside help and structure to fix."

"And your kid may be feeling the need to 'emotionally babysit' her mom, which IS a form of abuse called 'Emotional Parentification'--that can lead to adulthood trauma in your daughter--been there doing that therapy now at age 50!)." ~ EmmerdoesNOTrepme

"Holy Smokes."

"NTA, but you've got a serious mess on your hands when you get home."

"If I were you, I'd focus on your daughter's broken heart for a while."

"Don't try to resolve the anger and mess with your wife's fear of the dead."

"When you get home, take your daughter out for a walk, a cry and a hug, and talk about what you can do together to remember her friend."

"Maybe write a story of a fun time together that she can give to the mom of her friend."

"Let the weird wife situation just lie dormant for a while."

"Don't apologize, but also don't be a d**k about it."

"When your daughter has been properly attended to, ask for a conversation with your wife."

"Tell her that you think she let her fears take over, and if she knew she couldn't take her daughter to the funeral of her friend, then SHE needed to be the one to arrange alternate transportation."

"The full drop off and ignoring her child was a bad parenting call." ~ mrmses

"NTA. The cardinal rule of parenting is to do what is best for your kid whenever it is possible."

"Your wife decided her discomfort was more important than your daughter‘s need for closure - that's simply a bad parenting decision/selfish action." ~ Other_Personality453

"She could have even taken her daughter to the funeral, dropped her off, and sat in the car."

"Heck, she could have arranged for another parent to pick her up and drop her off if she was that unwilling to suck it up for an afternoon."

"Instead, she made her child suffer emotionally because of her own feelings on the matter. NTA." ~ Discount_Mithral

"NTA. Thank you for making sure your daughter still had a way to get to the funeral, and doubly thank your mother for sacrificing her time because your wife sucks."

"It still would’ve been shi**y of her, but your wife could’ve even dropped your daughter off and arranged a ride home after!"

"She didn’t even think of solutions, only ways to be a problem."

"EDIT: I’d be heavily considering either couple’s counseling or divorce myself if my husband tried this with one of my kids." ~ Accomplished_Area311

"NTA- Your wife is scared of ghosts?"

"So scared she just refused to do something this important for your daughter?"

"Seriously?"

"It sounds like she needs therapy."

"Yes, your mom was 100% correct."

"She utterly failed as a parent." ~ MountainWeddingTog

"Exactly. I'd like to add that if OP doesn't address this, they are kinda an AH for ignoring the larger issue, which is that their child was clearly suffering, and her mom couldn't be there to support her."

"OP, does your wife act like an adult, or does she need to be taken care of?"

"Can she handle adult situations and decisions?"

"Can she handle/understand finances?"

"Does she often have breakdowns and complain about being overwhelmed?"

"Does she often make things about herself?"

"If yes, then she needs to grow up."

"In my opinion, she not only failed her child today but her marriage."

"I am a mother, and I am seething right now."

"She deserved to be chewed out by your mom, who likely did that because she has witnessed your wife act like a child for far too long and finally lost it." ~ Mrsnerd2U

Reddit is in full agreement with you, OP.

Reddit is also deeply concerned for your daughter's well-being.

Your wife's actions need to be addressed.

Everybody here may benefit from some counseling.

Good Luck.