A death in the family is always difficult to process.
The news is usually met with tears, confusion, and maybe a little bit of anger, as well as some laughter upon reflecting on happy memories of the deceased.
Processing a death is even more complicated when the deceased was someone with whom you had a challenging or problematic relationship.
Impressive_Fish_8296 suffered a painful loss.
While the original poster (OP) planned on attending the funeral, their mother forbade them from going, owing to their complicated relationship.
Leading the OP to call their mother "toxic."
At something of a loss as to what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my mom names after she wants me to miss my father's funeral?"
The OP explained why they found themself at odds with their mother:
"Okay, so I (17) am pretty grief-stricken right now."
"I just lost my father, he was going through a long battle and sadly lost it."
"My father was never really fully in my life, but over the last two years, we got close."
"I live with my mom, stepdad and my sister Rosie (15)."
"The funeral is in 8 days and is being held by my grandma in Canada where my dad was living for the last 4 months."
"I live about 2 hours away from Canada."
"Anyways, when my mom got the call, she called me into the kitchen and told me, and I was obviously heartbroken."
"My mom wasn't too bothered and told me to calm down and stop acting hysterical."
"I was grieving for a few days, but I was trying to keep it together for the funeral, knowing being close to him and my grandma would help."
"Until I asked my mom when we'd be making the drive down to Canada, she turned to me and laughed. physically laughed and said 'why would we be going to Canada?'"
"I looked at her, confused, and said for my dad's funeral?"
"And she said that 'oh honey we are going to have to give that one a miss', like it was a basketball game, not my father's funeral."
"She said Rosie and my stepdad would be uncomfortable and bored, and when I offered to go alone and meet my grandma at the train station, she snapped at me and said no, we weren't even close anyway."
"Not true!"
"We built a relationship over two years."
"Last night at dinner was the final straw."
"Rosie was talking about some horse riding competition going on the weekend of my dad's funeral, and my mom wanted us all to go."
"This is the part where I may be the AH."
"I called my mom a toxic b*tch and said that I'd be going to my dad's funeral no matter what."
"I've been staying with my boyfriend (18) for two days now, and we're planning to take the train down to Canada early to spend time with my grandma."
"My mom keeps on texting me and sending me voicemails, crying, asking to talk."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at their mother.
Everyone agreed that it was wrong for the OP's mother to ban them from attending their father's funeral, even though many pointed out that the OP's plan might not work out like they hoped it would:
"NTA."
"I understand your mom not wanting to go to your father’s funeral, but she shouldn’t stop you from wanting to go."-LopsidedTranslator82
"NTA."
"Your mum wanting you to go to a horse riding competition is just completely insensitive."
"Just be aware, there may be trouble traveling to Canada from the US when you're under 18."
"By law you're still a minor, and you need a letter of consent from your parents/guardians."- Nyoibo1983
"Yikes."
"NTA."
"Your mom obviously has a lot of resentment towards your dad."
"It might be fair for her to feel that, but that isn't a reason for her to prevent you from being present at his service."
"Personally, I would text her and say I was going to Canada to attend the funeral and would not be talking to her until afterward."
"Then I would block her until after the funeral."
"But that's just me."- FonkinJones
"NTA."
"It's always sad when a parent hates their ex more than they love their child."- Big-Skrrrt
"NTA for wanting to go, but..."
"I'm not sure Canada will even allow you to enter the country without your legal guardian, because you're under the age of 18."
"Actually, I'm reasonably sure they won't, without a copy of your father's death certificate AND a notarized letter from your mother authorizing you to leave the country without her."
"A sad story isn't going to be adequate."
"This isn't like traveling to another state."
"You will have to show acceptable photo identification at the border."
"Your boyfriend could potentially get into a lot of trouble for trying to accompany you out of the country if your mother wanted to make an issue of it."
"He could get into a lot of trouble just traveling with you into a different state than the one you live in with your mother without your mother's permission."
"I would rethink this idea."- pooppaysthebills
"NTA!"
"Your mom is being extremely selfish."- FancyLadyGettingFine
"NTA."
"Your mom or your sister shouldn’t have to come to the funeral if they don’t want to but should give you the courtesy of going."-Patient-Body-67
"NTA."
"You have every right to attend your dads funeral and your mum should be adulting here and making that happen for you."
"It’s sad when grownups are more childish than their children."
"I’m sorry for your loss & I hope the funeral helps you grieve."- Early_Cartoonist503
"NTA."
"It is insensitive for no one to take your grief seriously."
"Would you have said mean things if they weren’t mean first?"
"You can talk to your Mom and apologize for calling her names, but your feelings about your dad are valid."
"Grief is upsetting to many and causes lots of anger."
"Everyone needs to take a breath, and take a break."- Material_Club_7035
"NTA."
"I am so, so sorry for your loss."
"You deserve all the love, support, and hugs in the world right now."
"Rest in peace, your father."
"You were not in the wrong at all."
"Take her calls if you want, or maybe message to say you’ll speak after the funeral."
"Just don’t let her make the whole thing be about her again, and don’t let her manipulate you into feeling bad."
"That is cray."
"She deserved to be called even more names tbh."
"All she cared about were her feelings."
"Keeping her own child away from their parent’s funeral that they want to go to, is disgusting."
"Forcing you to ignore your emotions and prioritize some talent show is so unhealthy."
"Acting like you’re an accessory and secondary to your stepfamily."
"OP if you hadn’t done this (make plans to go to his funeral) and spoken up, the emotional scar would have been massive and hard to heal from."
"You’re a young adult, and you’ve got this - you don’t need her approval to do what you have to do."
"Whatever her relationship with him, treating you like that was beyond wrong."
"I would never laugh at my boy if he was in pain."
"Say your goodbyes to your father and make your peace in your own way."
"Not hers."
"Look after yourself no matter how heavy the grief is - that’s all I want my kid to do when I eventually pass away before him."
"This is a turbulent launch to adulthood and independence, but you’ve got decent people around you to support you in the form of your grandmother and bf."
"Best of luck OP."- languid_Disaster
The OP later returned with an update, sharing some further information regarding their family dynamic, as well as where their plans currently stood:
"Hi, there are about 200 comments asking for info, and they are all pretty much asking the same thing, so I'm going to try and answer everything here."
"I live in Niagara Falls, NY, which is right next to the Canadian border, but it takes about 2 hours to drive to my grandma's town."
"My boyfriend and I have calmed down, and I've looked into it."
"I would need proper documentation and parental permission to cross the border."
"I'm not sure what to do at the moment, but for now I'm just cooling off at my boyfriend's."
"I'll probably be forced to come home by my mom at some point, as I'm still a minor, but she's stopped calling."
"I will talk to her either tomorrow or the day after to try and sort things out."
"If I can't, I've already called my grandma, and she's agreed to come down if she has to."
"This is all the information I have ATM. For the people asking about my dad, him and my mom never had a great relationship."
"And split up soon after I turned 2."
"My mom cheated on him and left him."
"Yes, for some reason, he wasn't there for a long time."
"And I resented him a while for it."
"But he came back, and he tried, and he fought for me even when he was struggling."
It's clear that the OP's mother has unresolved conflict and resentment towards the OP's father.
Even so, that shouldn't give her the right to forbid the OP from saying goodbye to their father in their own way.
Hopefully, they will be able to smooth things over and figure out a way to get the OP to the funeral.
