If there's one downside of marriage many people find themselves agreeing on, it might be having in-laws.
While some people get along as well or better with in-laws as they do with their own family, that's sadly not the case for all married couples.
Most do their best to put their differences aside as best they can, putting on a good face for those around them.
Others, however, have trouble hiding their dislike, sometimes even making an effort to display it to others.
Redditor Sadandexhausted133 wanted to be there for her husband after the passing of his father.
Until the original poster (OP)'s mother-in-law [MIL] behaved in a manner that the OP couldn't help but take personally.
Leading to her skipping her father-in-law [FIL]'s funeral, and putting herself further at odds with her MIL, as well as her husband.
Having second thoughts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for missing my FIL's funeral after my MIL booked my husband first class but me ecconomy?"
The OP explained how she felt her MIL was sending her a less than subtle message after arranging her and her husband's travel arrangements to her father-in-law's funeral.
"Me 31 F[emale] and my MIL don't have a close relationship."
"She's civil towards me but can be a bit passive aggressive at times and we tend to disagree often times."
"We live in a different state."
"FIL passed away suddenly and MIL told me and my husband to come attend the funeral."
"She booked our tickets to fly to her state."
"But the issue started when my husband told me that we couldn't sit together in the plane because his mom had booked him a first class ticket while I got economy."
"I was flabbergasted by this. I tried asking him why but he urged me to 'suck it up, and we'll talk about it later'."
"In that moment, that particular moment I felt so much humiliation and contempt. I felt like she was treating me as less than even in her hard times."
"I decided to not go and just go back home."
"My husband was shocked by my decision to go home and tried to convince me to just go but I declined."
"He went alone and I ended up missing the funeral."
"He was livid just calling m3 and texting nasty things calling me petty and spoiled."
"He said that I should be grateful his mom paid for my ticket to begin with then said that she doesn't OWE me a Goddamn thing."
"I argued about how she could've just booked us both in economy if money was an issue but he called me pathetic for thinking about it when his dad just died."
"He said it was cruel what I did and that his mom and family will never forget that I missed the funeral over ridiculous reasons."
"AITA for going home over this?"
"One of the reasons I didn't settle for the economy ticket was because I wanted to sit next to my husband and support him."
"He sobbed the whole ride to the airport and I didn't want to leave his side."
"I was shocked when he told me we couldn't sit together, and how he said it like he had no issue with it."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided, but for the most part agreed that the OP and their MIL both could have behaved better.
Many felt that the OP should have sucked it up, and flown economy to support her husband, though they also felt that the OP's MIL was being small and petty by flying her economy and her husband first class.
"This is a tough one, I'm going with ESH."
"Your mother in law was petty and juvenile, but your husbands father just died."
"This was about him, not you."
"The fact that neither yourself or MIL could put your shit aside for a situation like that is the most disappointing part of all."- mountydoyle
"ESH."
"You MIL won."
"It was most likely her intention to cause a fight and she won because you didn't go."
"Now she gets to bash you to everyone for not attending."
"You didn't support your hubs when he needed it."
"So now all the nasty things she whispers in his ear while he's there, he's going to agree to re: you."
"You were put into a losing situation either way."
"The whole thing sucks."
"Sorry this happened to you."- Responsible-Stick-50
"ESH."
"The seat issue was more important than supporting your husband after the death of his father?"-wickedlucky214
"ESH."
"Well played MIL."
"Unfortunately the one who looks bad to everyone is you."- dart1126
"Yeah this is complicated."
"I mean, what your MIL did was petty in a way, and I'm sure she's a piece of work."
"And your hubby definitely shouldn't have said anything awful to you."
"But he is grieving."
"And I'm assuming this is all fairly recent, so his emotions are all over the place."
"Usually, this would be a clean-cut situation for say, a family reunion, a wedding, or a visit."
"But his father died."
"I'm not saying you are an AH, but I don't think this was the fight to have picked."- they_callme_ami
"I think it's a pretty reasonable ESH, but you've made a tactical error."
"If you went and supported your husband, you could later be the good wife who is concerned about why your MIL did that, you were the mistreated one."
"It definitely was a hostile thing to do to you."
"But now your husband is mad and grieving and you're the wife who skipped her FIL's funeral."
"You look like a person who deserves dislike from her MIL."
"You were the victim of drama and you made it worse."- Angharadis
A number of people believed the OP's MIL set a trap to cause a rift between her and her husband, which the OP fell right into when she should have taken the higher road and shown her MIL that she was the bigger person.
"YTA."
"I get where you're coming from, mom probably thought she could do something to divide you from her son in his time of grief."
"But, y'know you fell for it hook line and sinker right?"
"She drove a wedge between you and your husband and, ensured the family will remember you as the wife who didn't go to her husband's dad's funeral, and it doesn't sound like your husband was lost on the issue."
"He just asked you to hang in there for one plane ride in economy."
"He knew she was doing something sh*tty, but also knew it's not like he can refuse to GO TO HIS OWN DADS FUNERAL."
"You played right into her hand better than she could have ever hoped for, and then made sure she got to spin whatever narrative she wants while your husband is left holding the bag."
"Do you think he's gonna say 'she didn't come because her paid for ticket wasn't first class like mine?'"
"What is he even going to be able to do?"
"It's just about supporting your husband when everyone around him is in a time of grief and you did more damage than a petty MIL to your relationship with him and his family."
"It was the exact reaction she was hoping for from you."- Anarchical-Sheep
"You kinda did exactly what she wanted you to do though."
"She manipulated you, and won."
"Another course of action would have been for your husband to offer his seat to your row-mate."
"I'm sure they would have accepted, and to sit with you."
"Him calling YOU petty is absolutely uncalled for."
"His mother was petty and he didn't want to give up his free luxury for your comfort and support."
"You could have also told the mom this."
"'Hey, thank you so much for the seats, but husband had to trade his for one next to me so we could sit together. I'm sure this was a simple oversight on your end, but it all worked out!'"
"Had y'all had the foresight, and had your husband actually cared, it could have gone this way instead."- ScumBunny
"I think you played right into MIL hands with your decision."
"You gave her exactly what she wanted, now she has more reason to treat you like crap and has caused a rift between you and your partner."-Ash-b13
It's sad to think that the OP's MIL would effortfully try to cause a rift between the OP and her son in anticipation of her husband's funeral.
Whether or not she did, however, it's equally sad to think that the OP couldn't muster up the courage to sit in economy to support her husband in his time of grief.
Leading one to wonder if the MIL's plan to end her son's marriage went exactly as she hoped it might.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp