Death and birth.
Two points of life that are intertwined.
People can't escape either.
But does one matter more?
There in lies the rub....
Redditor DJFaceplant20 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA For Choosing to Go to My Grandfather's Funeral over my unborn daughter's 20-week ultrasound?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (F[emale] 25) and I (M[ale] 26) are expecting a baby girl due in November."
"We are both so excited for it!"
"I've been talking to her through my wife's belly, feeling excited, feeling kicks, all of the fun stuff."
"3 weeks ago, we scheduled the 20-week ultrasound (it'll be closer to 22 weeks)."
"The last week and a half, my grandfather's health had been slowly diminishing."
"I had a talk with my father and family and was told that sometime within a week of his passing, we would have the funeral."
"This made my wife and I have to talk about the plan."
"I was asked to be a pallbearer at the funeral. "
"She said she'd want to stay home with the dogs so we didn't have to board them and that I could go by myself to the 4-4.5 hour trip up north to my father's hometown."
"Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away late last night/early this morning."
"I called my father to make sure he was okay, which he was holding on as much as one would when your father passes away."
"But I was told the funeral would be held at 10 am on Wednesday… this just so happens to be the exact same day that my wife has the ultrasound."
"My wife is now upset that I plan to go to my grandfather's funeral instead of going to the ultrasound appointment."
"I said, 'Well, we could FaceTime? But it's my grandfather,' I know FaceTime isn't the same."
"But she said, 'Yeah, but this is your daughter.'"
"Now she is mad and upset at me."
"I'm emotionally torn from this because I'm so excited for my baby girl, but also really sad about my grandfather."
"I just... I want to know if I'm the a**hole here."
"My wife's feelings are always going to be valid, but I feel like mine aren't being considered in this situation."
"I don't know."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. The appointment could be rescheduled, but the funeral cannot be."
"I've delivered 5 children."
"I was glad when my husband could be at my appointments, but often he couldn't be."
"It's not the end of the world." ~ EconomyVoice7358
"I don't understand why the answer isn't automatically to reschedule the appointment?"
"There's a family member's funeral, why isn't the wife's automatic reaction to immediately call the doctor's office and request it to be moved (after she's comforted her husband, of course)?"
I get that OP's wife probably has a lot going on in terms of hormones, but getting upset at OP for going to his grandfather's funeral instead of this checkup seems really heartless to me." ~ haleorshine
"NTA. I work in a doctor's office, and I'm here to say we absolutely WOULD work with someone who had a family emergency or death to reschedule."
"OP's wife is being ridiculous and entitled, bordering on a 'pick me' mentality."
"This is not a competition."
"This is a FAMILY FUNERAL. Pffft." ~ ohemgee0309
"NTA. She could probably reschedule the ultrasound for another date, if she wanted, especially considering the circumstances." ~ Euphoric_Peanut1492
"This here 👆."
"If the tables were turned and she had a grandparent or an immediate family member pass away, would she reschedule the appointment or skip out on the funeral?"
"She's allowed to feel a little disappointed, but in my opinion, it's not something to stay upset about because someone literally died."
"Mood regulation can be a challenge for some people during pregnancy, I'll give her that, but funerals and grieving a loved one (especially one that you had a good relationship with) is a unique process that calls for empathy and tact."
"You don't have to completely understand it if you've never lost a loved one, but being supportive and flexible for your spouse, who's in mourning, can ease the burden and make the situation a little less difficult.
"OP doesn't need to justify it with his wife either, having to explain that he's excited to be a dad and meet the kid."
"It's a given, but it's an entirely separate situation from the loss of his grandfather - it just happens to coincide with an appointment that can be rescheduled if they explain it to their doctor's office. NTA." ~ HeyGoogleImSad
"I had a high-risk pregnancy with weekly sonogram appointments, and I never had any issues with scheduling or rescheduling as long as I gave 24 hours' notice."
"Although from my understanding, typical healthy pregnancies do not have that more than a handful of sonograms so I can see that it would be a big deal to OP and his wife if they are absolutely unable to reschedule it for whatever reason, but she could take someone she trusts with her and they could record or FaceTime OP."
"OP is NTA, but his wife may be a bit emotional about seeing their baby without him."
"Hopefully, there's someone close to her who can gently explain that missing the funeral of a grandparent is not an option over a sonogram." ~ GingerLover131
"NTA. A 20-week ultrasound is important, but can be rescheduled - worst case, go to a private gyno and pay for it so you can reschedule."
"It's not just your grandfather, it's your father who needs you."
"She should understand that." ~ saddiebabbie
"You're right, and on top of the things you already mentioned, changing an ultrasound only needs to revolve around the two people."
"The funeral date can't possibly accommodate all the schedules of a larger group of people."
"People dying isn't done according to a timeline in someone else's calendar."
"I understand that she wants her husband there, but she needs to be flexible and think of him and his family."
"This funeral will only happen once."
"Hopefully, she can see if that way instead of this insecure reaction that she's having."
"All of this could have been approached by making a call to the clinic instead of seeing it like he's choosing who's the most important person to him."
"OP is NTA." ~ Jessiphat
"NTA and I'm literally currently pregnant."
"It's not that big of a deal, it's a long, boring appointment."
"She can also very easily call to reschedule her case."
"She's being unnecessarily emotional when she should be more supportive." ~ mediabratt
"You are not an a**hole."
"You absolutely need to go to your grandfather's funeral."
"I would be mad at her for thinking you should skip the funeral for the ultrasound."
"If she wants you at the ultrasound so bad, reschedule the ultrasound." ~ Open_Ad8222
"Your wife is being super unreasonable."
"Reschedule the ultrasound."
"Shame on her for trying to make you feel guilty about this. NTA." ~ alicat777777
"You should be able to reschedule the ultrasound."
"It isn't like they HAVE to be done exactly on X day."
"Just get it rescheduled. NTA." ~ K_A_irony
"NTA. Your grandfather died."
"There have been and will be other ultrasounds."
"Leave her with her hormones and do what you need to do."
"She may be upset, but she has to deal with it." ~ lmchatterbox
"NAH. You aren't wrong for wanting to go to the funeral, but she also isn't wrong for wanting you at the appointment."
"The 20-week scan is pretty cool, sort of a tour guide of your unborn child, and a lot of women have a lot of anxiety about that scan, so I can see why she might want support too."
"It seems like the obvious solution is to just reschedule the appointment?"
"I understand that might be disappointing to her for if she has to wait a little longer, but it's pretty disappointing for you that your grandfather just died."
"It just seems like a false choice to say you have to pick one 'over' the other, when you should be able to have both."
"My 20-week scan was technically at 21 weeks, so she should have a bit of wiggle room on the date."
"It doesn't hurt to ask." ~ peony_chalk
"So here's the real problem, you are currently Schrodinger's a**hole."
"If the 20-week ultrasound is totally fine, then you should be at your grandfather's funeral."
"However if it's not fine and your wife's OB does the follow up for the appointment right then and something is wrong then yeah you are absolutely the asshole for not being there to find out with your wife if there's a problem."
"I'm gonna say NTA, but she should really try and reschedule."
"At minimum, even if the ultrasound itself can't be rescheduled, the follow-up should be even if they normally do them right after." ~ nkdeck07
"NTA. Appointments can be rescheduled much more easily than a funeral."
"I would never miss my husband's grandparents' funeral myself."
"And missing ultrasounds aren't the same as missing things once the child is born."
"Our children are our shared responsibility, but my pregnancies were my medical business." ~ polar810
"There is absolutely no reason that the appointment can't be rescheduled."
"Yes, it's called the 20-week ultrasound, but the window of time is 18-22 weeks per the Cleveland Clinic."
"Yes, it's disappointing not to do the ultrasound at the time she scheduled, but for God's sake, this is your family and your last chance to say goodbye."
"This is necessary grieving with your family, and it's not fair to take that away for something that can still take place for the next two weeks."
"NTA, give your wife time to calm down (pregnancy hormones are such a pain) and talk to her again." ~ bentscissors
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your grandfather died.
A sonogram can be rescheduled.
Your wife needs a little more understanding.
Hopefully, she'll come around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp