When two people get married, they often share vows about loving each other and being there for each other through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health, and through thick and thin.
Some people don't realize that these promises aren't just about the couple's lives together, but how their lives could be impacted by external forces, like the loss of a job or a death in the extended family, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor blopblopplop had just recently lost her grandmother, who she was close to, and it was important to her to have the support of her husband during the time while she was freshly grieving.
But when her husband wasn't there for her and even prioritized a hockey game and going to work over being there for her or attending the funeral, the Original Poster (OP) began to question who she was married to.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for expecting my husband to stay with me after my grandmother died?"
The OP was newly grieving her late grandmother.
"My (28 Female) grandmother passed away recently, and I'm struggling with whether my expectations of my husband were unreasonable."
"Around noon, my father called to tell me that my grandmother had died. I immediately took off and went to my parents' house."
"My husband (28 Male) happened to be off work that day. He asked if I wanted him to come with me, and I said yes, of course, I would appreciate the support."
"At my parents' house, while my family and I were choosing my grandmother's clothes for cremation and selecting a photo for the funeral bookmarks, he spent time coloring and playing guitar."
The OP's husband did not seem interested in supporting her family.
"Later, my mother asked everyone whether they had any scheduling conflicts so we could choose a funeral date."
"Everyone said they would cancel whatever plans they had if necessary, except my husband. He said if he happened to be working, he simply wouldn't attend because he didn't need to be there. The whole room fell silent over that comment."
"At one point while I was making dinner for everyone, he asked if we had plans that evening. I said no, since we were taking things as they came."
"He replied that in that case, he would go watch the hockey game at his brother's house."
"Before my grandmother died, we had already planned to spend that evening together, so he wasn't canceling any existing plans to stay with me."
The OP's husband blamed her for being overwhelmed.
"I was in shock and overwhelmed, so I just said, 'If that's what you want to do, then go ahead.' I asked him to drive me home before going to his brother's place."
"Once we were in the car, I started crying. He asked what was wrong, and I told him that my grandmother had just died and that, despite the circumstances, he seemed more interested in having fun than in supporting me."
"He replied, 'You told me I could go. It's not my problem if you can't stand up for yourself.'"
"I admit that I did tell him he could go. But I also feel like I shouldn't have had to explicitly ask my husband to stay with me after my grandmother died."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that they would still be supportive of their spouse even if they weren't grieving themselves.
"I'm gonna be honest. I really didn't care when my husband's grandmother died. I didn't know the lady. However, I had enough tact to keep my mouth shut about it." - nightglitter89x
"Being a supportive spouse through grief doesn't require that you experience a certain range of emotions. It requires appropriate behavior, namely acting as if you care about your partner and their relationship with the deceased. It sounds like OP's husband clearly did not." - Mother-Pattern-2609
"I'd argue that having more distance than your spouse helps you support them. I lost my middle son (mid-twenties) semi-recently. His mother is my ex-wife. This was also upsetting to my fiancée, but especially as he never lived with us, she was far less affected, and thus more able to support me."
"If instead I were still there with my ex, I'd have far less support, as my ex is deep in her own grief. She was unable to help with any of the funeral arrangements. Perhaps I would have been less able to handle all of the arrangements if I hadn't had my fiancée in my corner?"
"And yeah, OP's husband is unsupportive." - Accurate-Neck6933
"I hated my MIL, but I did what my husband needed to get through the time before and after she died. Because I care about HIM and wanted to make HIS life easier." - popchex
"My father-in-law passed six weeks after my wedding. I had only met him during our wedding trip due to living in different countries."
"You better bet I did everything I could, which was entirely out of my comfort zone due to different cultures, to support my husband and his family through that time. It was not about me, but about being there for them." - -wineandwhine-
"My grandma liked my wife and kids more than she liked me."
"When I first got the news, I was like, 'Yeah, that sucks, but I mean, what could I have done to save her?' type of feeling about it."
"We were playing video games with friends and having a good time, laughing and joking and being normal. Then I heard my dog barking in my bedroom and went upstairs to check on him, and he was lying in my bed, wagging his tail."
"15 minutes later, my wife came upstairs to find me holding my dog and bawling my eyes out like a blubbering baby. It was the first time she had ever seen me cry in 13 years together."
"She immediately texted everyone and told them any foreseeable plans were cancelled, and she laid down and held me and told me she loved me and would take care of plans while I dealt with it."
"She liked and maybe loved my grandma, but she didn't lose her s**t like I did. She helped me handle my s**t like a loving spouse. That's what I needed, and I know she's my forever person." - dwho422
Others agreed and sympathized with the OP that her husband should have put her needs before a hockey game.
"NTA. But T A to yourself. Not only are you married to a man who doesn't love you, but he doesn't even seem to like you."
"Why is watching hockey more important than supporting his grieving wife?"
"Even if you weren't in a place to say that you needed support at the moment, once you were able to express it, he was immediately DARVOing (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Blame, Offend) you to try and make his poor behavior your fault." - ASK-gardens
"NTA. Telling your grieving wife you're just going to your brother's to watch hockey since her grandmother's death put a damper on the original plan to spend time together, and then telling her it's her fault for not standing up for herself is extremely telling behavior. He knew he was wrong, but he did it anyway to make her the bad guy when she's already vulnerable and struggling." - HauntedBitsAndBobs
"NTA, and WOW, the audacity... 'If he is scheduled to work, he'll just work and miss the funeral because he doesn't need to be there...' Does this guy even want to be part of your family?" - cx4444
"When my aunt passed, my husband attended the funeral, even though he did not know her well, and it involved a lengthy Latin Catholic mass (he and I are not Catholic, so he was a little awkward and uncomfortable), which included incense that made him ill."
"THAT is empathy and support from a spouse. Your husband is being flippant and selfish. NTA." - _thalassashell_
"If he hadn't been so unkind when you asked about it, I'd think maybe he just misunderstood what you wanted from him. But 'it's not my fault if you can't stand up for yourself' is not a constructive response to your partner saying they were hurt." - CrowleysWeirdTie
"You married a dud. Maybe grandma's parting gift is to show you who this man is, so that you don't waste more of your life on someone so selfish and cold to the point of cruelty."
"He'll be the same way when your parents or best friend goes- don't you deserve more? I bet grandma thinks so." - Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
"I am very sorry for your loss, but I will be honest. As you reflect on this time once the funeral is behind you, go ahead and be honest with yourself about the dynamic between you two."
"His actions are not those of someone who is actually invested in a future with you. I wonder if there are other instances of coldness and unkindness from him."
"You don't mention children. Be careful. I imagine parenting with him would be a very lonely enterprise." - nannylive
"Girl, there are going to be periods of loss and grief in your life, and please trust me that having the right partner by your side matters so much during them."
"My partner and I have been together for 10 years and have navigated three horrible losses on my end, and with all sincerity, if they had acted like this after the first, they wouldn't have been around for the second one."
"Supporting you does not require them to also feel the loss and grief. Someone who loves you will want to be there holding you up and doing whatever they can to help soften your experience during these days simply because they love you and wish to lessen your pain even when it's impossible."
"Your partner not only wanted to leave and do something else for themselves, but they were taking your transportation away, which seems to have created the added condition of cutting your time with family short during an emotionally charged day... in contrast, to illustrate my perspective, my spouse has fallen asleep on a garage floor while my siblings and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning telling stories about our brother who had passed while we sat in his car."
"Life is full of moments when you (or your partner) will not be at your best, but you deserve to be loved unconditionally through it. Sending love and light to you and your family during this difficult time." - sterling_rose
The subReddit might have understood if the OP had miscommunicated her needs, or if her husband had never experienced a loss before and wasn't sure how to handle it, but based on the OP's story, they did not believe those were the issues.
It seemed that the OP had an emotionally unsupportive partner, and if she wanted to be with someone who would be there for her when she needed them, it might be time to work on the relationship or establish a new one before another loss eventually came along.
