Sometimes a person's relationship isn't going exactly how they'd like, but instead of facing the issues and working on themselves, they'll pin the blame on someone else.
When they use this approach, it's usually jarringly obvious to the people around them, as side-eyed by the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Best-Pirate5073 had been taking part in a neighborhood book club for the past year, and while he was the only man attending, he enjoyed connecting with people in his community.
When a husband confronted him and said he was creating problems, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't help but wonder if he was jealous or insecure in his relationship.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to stop attending book club because one of the husbands asked me to stop going because of what we read?"
The OP was enthusiastic about his neighborhood book club.
"I’m part of a neighborhood book club that’s been meeting for about a year. It’s mostly women in their late 20s to early 40s, and I’m the only guy."
"We rotate houses every month, and honestly, it’s been one of the better ways I’ve met people since moving here."
"The club recently got into dark romance. It wasn’t my suggestion, but everyone voted on it, and that’s just where the group ended up."
"It's funny because the group said 'The Ritual' was too vanilla (if you know, you know), and now we're reading 'Haunting Adeline' (again, if you know...)."
"We spend most of the meetings talking about character development, plot, whether the MMC is actually redeemable, etc."
"No big deal, right? Right? (Side-eye...)"
But not everyone was happy about the OP attending.
"I’m friendly with everyone, but I don’t hang out with any of them outside of book club. I know a few of their husbands from saying hello if they’re around before or after meetings, but that’s about it."
"After our meeting a few days ago, I was loading a folding chair into my car when one of the husbands came outside and asked if he could talk to me."
"He told me he’d appreciate it if I stopped coming to book club."
"I asked why, and he said his wife has become 'way too excited' about book club ever since they started reading dark romance, and that it was 'weird' having the only guy there discussing those books with a group of married women."
"I laughed at first, because I genuinely thought he was joking, because sometimes guys can be funny like that, but it turns out he wasn’t joking..."
The OP questioned what the guy was so worried about.
"He said he wasn’t accusing me of doing anything inappropriate, but that the whole situation made him uncomfortable and that it would 'solve a lot of problems' if I just found a different hobby."
"I told him I wasn’t there to flirt with anyone. I’m there because I like reading, everyone in the group voted on the books, and I enjoy the discussions."
"I also said if he has concerns about his wife’s interest in fictional morally questionable men, that’s probably something they should talk about together."
"He got annoyed and said I was intentionally missing the point."
"I eventually just told him, 'I’m not quitting a book club because you’re insecure about fictional men. If it’s THAT big of a deal, just join?'"
The OP later questioned himself.
"Now I’m wondering if I should’ve handled it differently."
"I don’t want to create tension in the neighborhood, but I also don’t think it’s reasonable to ask me to leave a group I’ve been part of for a year, and where I haven't caused any trouble, because he’s uncomfortable."
"AIO here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he'd done nothing wrong and that the husband sounded insecure.
"Being an 'alpha male' must be so exhausting. That dude sucks; you’re fine. NOR." - ColoOddball
"Honestly! Imagine feeling threatened by a paper guy with a fictional jawline."
"The fact that OP casually dropped the 'if it's THAT big of a deal, just join' line makes it even funnier. The guy dug his own hole." - incorrectpenguin
"What a loser, jealous of a book! Wow. I would have laughed in his face." - ThurmanMermannnn
"I dunno, I don't think he's jealous of the book characters; he is jealous of OP, and suggesting that OP is a threat by being present while all the wives are discussing the steamy book."
"He probably thinks they are all going to jump the first man they see after talking about the book. His mind is in the gutter, and it’s probably projection for how he would act in a similar scenario. Not the OP's problem or even his wife's problem!" - Longjumping-Pick-706
"I think maybe it's probably more about jealousy over a guy who shares a hobby with his wife and maybe eloquently talking about books and maybe that guy's wife being like, 'Could you show more interest in my hobby? It's not a women's thing; there's OP as a man, as well,' kinda thing."
"It's so sad that it's easier for that husband to try to scare OP off than consider adding some dimension to his own personality..." - RevolutionaryPrice91
"NOR. What a sad, sad excuse of a man! You handled this exactly right, OP."
"I couldn’t even imagine being married to such an insecure a**hole like this. My husband lovingly teases me about my smut and loves to hear me recount the ridiculousness of what I’m reading."
"Would he ever read one? No. Would I ever read one of his WW2 naval history books? Also no."
"Do we love the bonding in hearing the other person describing all about them? H**l yeah!" - SassySugarBear
"Imagine picking up a healthy hobby to connect with your significant other and putting in effort to improve your marriage... The horror! Clearly, we can't have that." - BlueAlgae9093
"There was a post somewhere online where the husband found an author his wife liked, read the books before she could, then used the knowledge he learned from the books on her."
"Eventually she figured out why what was happening in their bedroom was happening in the book AFTER it happened IRL. But it was hilarious."
"Also. My wife got me to read one of her books. I wouldn't say I learned anything. But she loved talking with me about it." - dre59222
"NOR. You handled that perfectly!! Chef's kiss, perfectly. You are NOT responsible for HIS insecurities."
"How much you want to bet he'll make his wife quit book club eventually? She'll come up with a great excuse, of course, maybe with slightly shifty eyes while she says it, but it'll be his fault." - Impressive_Rush5018
"NOR. If he's worried, he needs to join the book club. Asking you to step out is such an AH move." - WritPositWrit
On a more serious note, others encouraged the OP to check in with the wife to make sure she was comfortable with a guy attending an otherwise all-women's book club.
"I had a husband like this. I guarantee he has already been giving her hell about this group and accusing her of things when it comes to you."
"Don't bring it up in front of the group, but it would be a good idea to approach her separately, let her know that her husband approached you, and make sure SHE's not uncomfortable with you being there." - FiorinasFury
"NOR. There is a chance here, however small, that the group of women are uncomfortable or at least less able to have fun, because there's a guy around. It may have been a bit of a safe space for them until you joined."
"I think it's just the other dude being weird, but I'm also saying that there's a chance that this woman either directly or indirectly asked the husband to say something."
"I'd want to know if I was secretly not really welcome in a hobby group, wouldn't you?" - UserFortyOne
Some agreed and took it one step further, suggesting that the OP check in about the wife's at-home life.
"Honestly? Ask her if everything is OK at home."
"Because that is some super controlling behavior and she may need to make a safety plan. I wish it was a joke." - FewRecognition1788
"NOR. Absolutely take her aside and let her know what happened and check in. Do NOT broach this with the entire book club; it might make things worse for her." - lizziebordeaux
"Maybe bring it up as a hypothetical or something? It might help her to see the rest of the group agreeing that this is a crazy thing for a person to do without her feelings being called out specifically."
"When you live with an abuser, it can get hard to tell what is normal behavior and what is not. Seeing a room full of women, and a man, all saying that it's weird might ring some bells."
"(And yeah, any dude who gets jealous over a book is at least an emotional abuser.)" - CalamityClambake
"As a guy who’s been on the wrong end of a husband’s jealousy, I guarantee the wife mentioned OP a couple of times in passing or said something that made the husband jealous."
"All it’ll take for an insecure man to focus their jealousy on another innocent man is for his wife to laugh while telling a funny story or joke she heard from another dude." - mightylordredbeard
Not only did the subReddit feel that the OP had every right to be at that book club, but they also felt if the husband felt so confronted by his presence, then he needed to do the work in his relationship to not feel insecure about a man sharing a hobby space with his wife, whether that was emotional work, like sharing a hobby with his wife, or in the bedroom.
