Neuroses, hang-ups, insecurities, whatever they're labeled, a person's mental state can affect their physical well-being.
Like holding your bladder or bowel movements over fears of being overheard or deep-seated shame over bodily functions. Not going to the bathroom when necessary can lead to embarrassing accidents and future health problems.
A husband turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback and advice over his wife's hangup.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Friskeedingus asked:
"AITAH for trying to normalize my wife's normal bodily functions despite her protests?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Guys, this might be a weird one, and I've tried not to paint myself in a more positive light because I'm looking for genuine feedback."
"I'll preface this by saying that we've never had a serious fight over this. It has, however, led to arguments where she makes me feel insensitive or careless with her emotions. I'm genuinely trying to figure out whether I'm overstepping, whether I'm making the problem worse, and what exactly I'm supposed to do here."
"I'm 35, male, and my wife is 35, female. We've been together for almost 15 years. She is currently in therapy working through anxiety, depression, body-image, and self-esteem issues. I don't know whether this particular issue gets much exposure in those sessions, but I can only hope that addressing some of the underlying issues will eventually help with this as well."
"For the entirety of our relationship, she has hidden every single bowel movement or fart from me. I'm aware that some women are more uncomfortable with these things than men, and I'm not expecting my wife to announce every time she uses the bathroom. But over the years, it has become very clear that this goes far beyond simply thinking that farting isn't 'ladylike'."
"She genuinely views farting and pooping as disgusting and shameful. If she accidentally farts around me, she doesn't just seem embarrassed. She experiences what appears to be genuine, deep shame and disgust with herself."
"The irony is that her extreme aversion to pooping has actually resulted in us having to talk about the subject far more than we otherwise ever would."
"In some extreme cases, she will literally go a week without pooping if she doesn't have an opportunity to do it in complete privacy. She won't poop anywhere except our home bathroom, and if I'm home, she feels like she can't comfortably do it. I have had to go sit on my back porch to give her privacy because we live in a small 2 bed 1 bath house."
"We're saving to buy a bigger house and my eventual search will have an outsized focus on finding her a more private bathroom setup. But that's a future (potential) solution to a problem that needs solutions today."
"There have been multiple occasions where she's been doubled over with severe abdominal pain while I'm frantically trying to figure out what's wrong and deciding whether we need to go to the ER, only to eventually find out that she hasn't pooped in a week."
"At that point, I'm obviously worried about her, but I'm also incredibly frustrated. My response has sometimes been exasperated and something along the lines of, 'JFC! go sit on the toilet and stay there until you poop!'."
"We've had countless conversations about this. I've told her that I know she's working through difficult emotions, but that as a man who has never had anything resembling this level of anxiety or shame surrounding bowel movements, I admittedly struggle to understand what she's experiencing emotionally."
"But I also keep telling her that she needs to work on this because the potential health consequences of severe constipation are not trivial. She's aware of the risks, and we've talked about the possibility of obstruction, impaction, sepsis, etc..."
"I've even told her that I'm going to feel really foolish if I someday have to not only deal with losing my wife but also explain to my family that she was just too embarrassed to poop. I know that's harsh, it's probably the most insensitive thing I've said to her about this issue and I regret saying it that way out of frustration. But that's genuinely where my mind goes when I'm sitting there wondering whether her abdominal pain is something life-threatening or whether she just hasn't pooped all week."
"She understands the concern and is usually apologetic about being difficult, but ultimately nothing changes."
"After the last major scare, I told her I was going to start asking her every day after work whether she'd pooped."
"Part of that was practical. She had told me she didn't currently have the urge, and I wanted to make sure she eventually went so I could stop worrying that we'd end up in the ER."
"But part of it was also an attempt to normalize the subject. My thinking was that if I treated it like the completely mundane bodily function that it is and talked about it casually, maybe some of the shame and taboo would eventually lose its power."
"I eventually stopped asking every day once the immediate situation passed. But every now and then when she says something about her stomach being upset I'll jokingly ask if she's pooped recently because it's now something I actively worry about."
"This is usually met with frustration, embarrassment, dismissal, and avoidance. If she's particularly sensitive that day, it can turn into an argument about how I'm 'making it worse'."
"And that's where I'm stuck."
"I don't actually want to have these conversations. I'd be perfectly happy never discussing my wife's bowel movements ever again. But after watching her experience severe abdominal pain multiple times because she hadn't pooped in a week, I'm having trouble just pretending the problem doesn't exist."
"What am I supposed to do? Be a completely passive observer and let her work through it on her own, even when I'm worried she's going to end up seriously ill? Or continue bringing it up and potentially reinforce the shame and anxiety that seem to be driving the problem in the first place?"
"So, AITAH for continuing to push the issue?"
"Am I supposed to just leave this entirely in her hands and accept that I may occasionally have to deal with another health scare? Is there a better way for me to approach this without making her feel more ashamed?"
"And is this something anyone else has dealt with? Because right now I feel like I'm stuck in a uniquely sh*tty predicament."
"TL;DR: My wife avoids pooping to the point that it causes significant pain and health scares. Any attempt by me to discuss it or normalize it is met with frustration, embarrassment, and sometimes arguments about me being insensitive or flippant about something that causes her deep shame. I'm trying to figure out how I can support her without making the problem worse."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was rightfully concerned (NTA).
"You may let her know that she’s playing with fire… My wife has had 4 major surgeries and a permanent colostomy and poops in a bag hanging off her abdomen due to a complication of constipation. The situation that got her there was completely different, but constipation in constipation." ~ hambone1981
"As someone who has been through an exploded large intestine and three major surgeries to save my life she's playing a dangerous game! Get her a warm toilet seat bidet and ask her to do research on the vagus nerve reset and stimulation, which is what controls the need to poop. She needs serious help, or you're going to be a nurse to a sick woman. Look at her diet? Get her on ltheanine and magnesium threonate to relax her as well as make poops easier." ~ Global_Fail_1943
"Does she understand that this could escalate to the point of an emergency situation where she will need to have medical intervention into her pooping problem?" ~ Strange_Explorer_780
"NTA, but lowkey my only advice is to arrange with her for you to go on a walk or a trip to the store (any store) every evening or every other evening, for at least 30 minutes, with the agreement from her that she’ll use that time to at least try and poop while she’s got the house to herself."
"Getting her on a regular schedule may help ease some of the anxiety around 'when is she going to poop next' and then at least you know she’s trying. Good luck man, wishing you and her the best." ~ ariellyarielly
"This isn’t a medical issue, it’s a mental health issue creating a medical issue." ~ Important-Poem-9747
"In all seriousness, she needs to tell her doctor and she should be in talk therapy to work on this. It’s a legit medical problem and too big for either of you to manage alone. NTA." ~ -tacostacostacos
OP provided an update:
"Thank you all so much for this avalanche of advice and insight. I truly appreciate your outpouring of love and support for a couple of strangers on the internet. There are absolutely way too many comments to reply to individually so I figured I'd make a list of the advice I'm implementing moving forward."
"I called her therapist (who is also her psychiatrist) and told him what was going on. He said the info didn't surprise him (which told me they haven't talked about it) and thanked me for telling him so he can better help my wife. Quick and painless and it made me feel so much better."
"I'm going to stop making jokes or comments to avoid worsening the problem. I know my intention was good but it's not helping anyway and many comments have illuminated the potential connection between this problem and her past traumas. I dont want to position myself as a constant reminder of painful things in her past."
"I've arranged for a regular meetup with some of my friends to play card games on Saturdays for a couple hours so she has a chance for some privacy. I will structure regular music production times on Sundays with my headphones on for the same reason."
"I told her that if she ever just needs some time to herself for any reason, she can ask for it and I won't ask any questions."
OP is acting only out of concern, even if they have expressed frustration. They aren't being cruel and only want to help their wife get over something causing her mental and physical anguish.
