Treating a significant other for a special birthday dinner should make for a joyous evening.
However, one girlfriend’s plans for her boyfriend’s birthday were derailed by an unexpected incident that led to drama and contemplation regarding the future of their relationship.
So she turned to the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit and sought judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor dreamingblondie asked:
“AITAH for ‘ruining’ my bf’s birthday dinner cause I didn’t accepted to pay for everyone?
Advice Needed?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (20 F[female]) have been dating my bf ‘Ryan’ (21 M[ale]) for about a year. For his birthday this year, I wanted to do something special, so I told him I’d take him out to a nice dinner.”
“Just the two of us and I’d cover the bill. He was super excited and agreed. So I made a reservation at a nice restaurant, put on a nice dress and was so excited to see his reaction.”
“When I got there, I was surprised to see that Ryan had invited his best friend who also arrived with his gf. He hadn’t mentioned anything about them coming. I was caught off guard but thought why not having a nice couple dinner.”
The OP continued:
“The whole time his best friend and his gf ordered a ton of appetizers and multiple drinks each. I started panicking a little because I realized this bill was going to be way more than I’d planned for.”
“Toward the end Ryan leaned over and said, ‘Don’t forget, you said you’d cover it.’ I told him I agreed to pay for his dinner cause of his birthday and not for another couple, I didn’t even knew was coming.”
“He said it’s ‘rude’ to invite people to dinner and not pay for them.”
In response to his statement, the OP said:
“At this point I already thought wtf wrong with you and told him it’s ruder to invite people to a dinner that someone else is paying for without telling them first. I already had the feeling to explode out of anger so I just went quite and waited for the waiter to finally pay.”
“When the check came, I paid for my meal and his and told his buddy that he should cover the bill for himself and his gf.”
“Both looked at me as if I had insulted them in some way, saying I embarrassed them in front of the server. In addition to that Ryan even called me ‘cheap’ and said I ruined his birthday.”
“All this happened last Saturday and since then he’s been giving me the cold shoulder and just answered my messages with insulting me for ’embarrassing’ him in front of his friend.”
“Now I’m thinking about breaking up because he is not talking to me since one week already even though I wanted to apologize. Maybe some of you got any advice for me?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. Your boyfriend, his friend, and his friends girlfriend are sh**ty and you need to reevaluate whether or not your boyfriend cares about you or if he is using you because that was very rude and presumptuous on all 3 of their parts. Now he isn’t talking to you over it?”
“Well he has made it pretty clear the only part about you he cares about which is clearly the part that financially benefits him and his friends. F’k em all you’re better off now. You’re too young to waste time on people who treat you like that.” – Ok_Copy_8869
“Exactly! Remember that he intentionally brought along extra people who made a considerable effort at running up the bill because they believed you were paying. That’s tacky as hell.” – Martha90815
“Since when doesn’t everyone pitch in for the birthday boy/girl? That’s the way my friend group always did it. You paid for yourself and we would all cover the birthday dinner/drinks as part of their gift.” – pwlife
“So he’s ghosting as a punishment? Then, just ghost him back. That’s an easy way to end a relationship with someone who does that. Block him and move on.” – hellofellowcello
“Even if I went to dinner with someone who offered to pay for dinner I would feel really weird ordering extras like drinks and apps and not paying for them myself. It’s very gross that they thought they could just go hog wild on whatever they wanted and expect you to pay – even more so since you weren’t expecting them. They are are nasty people.” – Odd_Temperature906
“Older person who has eaten out for many many meals. With friends and without.”
“What you BF did was 100% wrong and very rude. His friends were just as bad or worse.”
“NTA, and you really should break up. Trust me, if a young man likes you, he wouldn’t treat you like this.” – busyshrew
“You have 1600 people and counting on your side, unanimously telling you to move on. He’s awful. Dumping him will be liberating and empowering for you, and an important life lesson for him. Jerks like him need to learn how to treat people.”
“If you treat a significant other poorly, you get dumped. Simple cause and effect.” – Rougefarie
“You absolutely deserve better than this! The only reason his friends ordered a ton of food/drinks was because they expected you to pay for it. You also told your bf that you wanted to do a nice dinner with just the two of you. Your bf is a POS and so are his friend & his gf.”
“You’re only 20 years old & have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t ever settle for someone who treats you like this. Kick this guy to the curb.” – Flipflops727
“As a fellow old guy who’s eaten out many times, I second the old guy who’s eaten out many times. You were used and when you decided to have a problem with it he withheld affection from you.”
“This guy doesn’t really give a sh*t about you or he’d be apologizing, making a constructive compromise, or otherwise trying to make amends.” – John_Muir_wannabe1
“But fantastic on you for standing up for yourself – many of us would’ve maxed out credit cards to avoid causing a scene. Dump him & find yourself somebody who deserves you – you’ll be fine!” – Tasty-Mall8577
“I wish you hadn’t paid and just left. Or just paid for your own food and left. He’s using you. He’s a nasty, freeloading user. Now he’s trying to guilt you into thinking you should have paid for his bloody friends. You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“DO NOT see him again. He is NOT a good person. He’s a dickhead. Tell him that.”
“You deserve better. You’ll meet better. Don’t settle for d*ckheads.” – Salt-Finding9193
“A telltale sign of a covert narcissist is a partner that gives the silent treatment, expects others to financially cover them for their own stellar reputation, puts their partner in emotionally unsafe situations (ideally set up to make you look bad and then good), gaslights, does not care about taking all of your money if they feel they need it (regardless of how you’d suffer), blames and shames you for social and financial situations of their purposeful creations, I could go on.”
“You’ve accidentally listed so many examples of a narcissist, even if you didn’t know it. I’ve been there, I’m sorry.” – Andobu
“Who cares if he turns it around on you once you are broken up? Dump him, block him, and run away with a big sigh of relief. Not your problem any more.”
“He has completely sh**ty friends too. What a pair of arseholes expecting a 20-year-old to have enough money to pay for their over-the-top dinner plus drinks etc.”
“NTA unless you stay with this rude mooch.” – pixie-ann
“The man who is supposed to care for you called you cheap…after trying to scam not one but THREE free dinners out of you. Drop him like a hot potato and find someone who actually cares about YOU and not just your wallet.” – LadySiren
It seems the OP took everyone’s messages to heart and has moved on with her love life. In response to one of the comments criticizing the B-day boy, she wrote:
“Thank you for your perspective it really helped. You’re right, his behavior was disrespectful, and it feels like he and his friends took advantage of me. I wanted to make his birthday special, but instead, he called me ‘cheap’ and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“I realize now I shouldn’t waste my time on someone who doesn’t value me. It’s time to focus on myself and find someone who treats me better.”
She added in response to someone who professed to being older and wiser:
“Thank you for sharing your perspective it means a lot coming from someone with more life experience. I’m starting to realize just how wrong and disrespectful his behavior was, and his friends were no better.”
“You’re right if he truly cared about me, he wouldn’t have treated me like this. I think breaking up might be the best choice.”
May our Redditor find someone who’ll give her the respect she deserves