It’s a harsh reality coming to terms with your elderly parents’ diminishing physical abilities.
As much as many people are in denial that their aging parents are fully capable of taking care of themselves, we’ve often seen proof that that is not the case.
A nurse dealt with an individual who was dismissive about their urgent concern, and when the discussion escalated, the healthcare expert visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
“AITA for telling MIL that she will regret not stepping in if her parents get hurt?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA for telling my MIL that she needs to do more to prevent her elderly parents from getting hurt?”
“My MIL was telling my partner and I about how her very elderly parents (90+) are still doing everything on their own and want to have complete autonomy over their lives.”
“Her father has been diagnosed with dementia and her mother broke her leg last year while at a wedding because she tripped and fell while wearing high heels.”
“She was telling us that her mother still does their laundry and hangs up the laundry to dry using a stool. I am a nurse and have seen many seniors end up in the hospital as a result of things like this and I told her that the stool needs to go before someone breaks a hip.”
The OP continued:
“MIL got offended and said she can’t possibly take the stool away because her parents aren’t of sound mind and capable of assessing risk for themselves. If they choose to keep using the stool, that is their own choice.”
“I told her that she needs to have a fulsome conversation with her parents about the risk of using the stool and try to encourage them to use something that is safer, such as a laundry rack that doesn’t require a stool.”
“She said that she refuses to treat her parents like stupid children because she has too much respect for them.”
“I got upset and told her she will regret her decision if/when someone gets hurt and ends up in the hospital.”
“So am I the a**hole for telling her to take action to prevent her very elderly parents from getting hurt?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors shared their varied judgments.
“Instead of recommending MiL remove the stool, why not search for a safer drying option? Find a safer alternative and gift it to them, or find a safer stool and give them that.”
“If your MIL is ignoring her geriatric father’s dementia, that’s a far bigger concern than her mother hanging laundry the same way she’s been hanging it for many years.” – Moulin-Rougelach
“Softly YTA. Unless you’re offering to help, or paying for anything, or you’re going over there and removing the stool YOURSELF like you tell your MIL to do, stay out of it. It sounds like they’re truly set in their ways, and MIL respects that whereas you think you know better because you’re a nurse.” – curiousblondwonders
“YTA MIL is respecting her own mother’s autonomy. She has the capacity and right to make her own decisions as opposed to being treated like a child despite still having her faculties. Although you are coming from a Place of care, you are assuming you know better than your MIL’s mum just because of her age.” – scrumdiddliumptious3
“YTA. She needs to have a conversation with them, but ultimately, if they refuse, they have that right. I’m a former APS worker; if they are not totally incompetent, they have the right to self-determination. Look that up.”
“People literally have the right to fall. I was told this over and over again when I learned my job in APS, and people refuse to hear it, but even a judge will tell you that a person still has rights, no matter how old they get.”
“You should know that as a nurse, unless someone is incapacitated or in serious cognitive decline, you have to respect their wishes, even if those wishes are not safe. Even people under guardianship still have rights, and if you really need to take away those rights because what they are doing is incredibly harmful (i.e. eating too much sugar leading to amputations), you still have to go in front of a human rights commission to get a rights restriction.”
“Diabetics have the right to eat a donut, smokers have the right to smoke, bed-bound person has the right to live at home, etc.” – Suckerforcats
“YTA. I am a former Psychiatric nurse who is in agreement with what you have to say. I personally don’t see anything wrong with OP’s husband speaking to his grandparents and letting them know that he’s worried about their safety, but I think that’s as far as it should go unless the grandma starts to experience severe cognitive decline or is no longer able to care for her husband.”
“I find it sad that as a society, we somehow think that older people should start losing their autonomy just because of their age.” – Confusedsoul987
“NAH. I’m in social care, and I know exactly what you mean, and it’s like a car crash you can’t stop. Your mil is correct, though; if they have capacity, there is little you can do other than await the inevitable, as it should be.”
“The conversation never goes well if it’s about ‘removing’ something from their life, it can have better results if it’s about ‘adding’ something to their life. Gift them drying rack, then you have given them the means to reduce the risk.” – Cosmicshimmer
“YTA. People were telling my grandma to stop doing things from about 85. Stop gardening it’s too dangerous. Stop walking down the beach it’s too dangerous. Stop traveling on planes. It’s too dangerous. Stop cooking for everyone it’s too dangerous.”
“She lived to 99 and yes, she did break her pelvis at 97 (though this was falling out of bed) but I can guarantee that she was happier to risk some falls than live wrapped up in cotton wool for 14 years.” – RambunctiousOtter
“ESH. Her for pretending a 90-year-old with dementia is ‘of sound mind’ and your comment that she just doesn’t want to be involved in their care. You/your partner because the grandparents are your partners family too and they should step up and help if MIL won’t. My SO is stuck filling in the gap because his mother is useless but grandpa needs help. “ – chips-and-guac
“As a professional, she should know that her opinion isn’t going to change most people’s minds. My husband used to work at a hospital, and he worked in the heart wing. He would have patients come in who had strokes or heart attacks. It didn’t matter how many times the doctors or nurses talked with their patients about changing their lifestyle and dietary habits.”
“Most of them would end up back in the hospital within a few months or years. Not once did they ever tell their patients that they’ll regret not listening to them. They know proper bedside manner. They might not like the decisions that their patients make, but ultimately, they had to respect them and their choices.”
“I’m surprised she doesn’t know this. If I ever heard a nurse say something like this, I would ensure that their license would be taken away or they would face repercussions of their words.”
“Also, since I have a lot of friends who work in the medical field. I know that doctors and nurses can be reported to the licensing board even if they didn’t treat or see that patient. Bedside manner goes beyond the hospital. It also extends to how they treat the family members of the patients that they’re discussing the conditions with.” – comebacklate
“Elderly people are not babies. As long as they are able to make decisions they should be allowed to do that. As long as they aren’t hurting anyone else or are a danger to anyone else. I fully advocate for taking keys away from an elderly person who can’t drive safely anymore. My grandmother almost killed me and my sister with her driving. How about instead someone goes over to help them with the laundry so she doesn’t have to use the stool?” – Bluevanonthestreet
“NAH. This is an issue that people are going to have split thoughts about, and I don’t think there’s a wrong answer. They are over 90, they aren’t going to live forever, and it sounds like they (or at least, the grandmother) are making an informed decision to live their lives as they always have and your MIL is okay with that.”
“Are the odds of them living a little longer or a little more comfortably by exercising more caution good? Yes, but in the end, does that outweigh their desire to make their own choices about it? I’d say no. Perhaps the best angle would be to play up the ‘what would Grandpa do if you, Grandma, couldn’t take care of him anymore because you broke your hip?’ “ – rubyreadit
While many Redditors thought the OP was overstepping, their concern for the MIL’s elderly folks did stem from a genuine place.
Ultimately, Redditors still believed that it was up to the MIL to decide when to move forward with contingency plans if and when necessary.