There are no strict parameters defining what constitutes a “family.”
Literally speaking, familial relations are defined by blood.
Generally speaking, however, family is defined by who raised you and gave you the unconditional love and support you needed.
Those are ultimately the people who can rightfully be considered your mother, father, brother, or sister.
After a rather speedy courtship, the father of Redditor throwawaydontunderst remarried, creating a blended family along the way.
While the original poster (OP) generally had a solid relationship with his stepmother and stepbrothers, the fact that his stepmother wanted him to view her as his actual mother complicated their relationship.
Particularly when she wanted to make that relationship official in every sense of the word, which the OP was firmly against.
Wondering if his resistance was unjustified, the OP took to the subReddit, “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my dad’s wife I’m sorry but she’s not my mom?”
The OP explained why he didn’t feel comfortable calling his stepmother “mom.”
“I (16 M[ale]) was the product of what is pretty much a friend with benefits type relationship between my dad (at the time 33) and my mom (at the time 22.)”
“My mom didn’t want to be a mom.”
“Yet my dad didn’t want my mom to abort.”
“From what little I have been told there was an agreement.”
“My mom would leave, my dad would raise me on his own but if she wanted to, she could come back into my life whenever.”
“The first 7 years of my life were just my dad and I.”
“He didn’t date any other woman; it was just us two and his family.”
“I remember my mom would send me gifts on my Birthday and Christmas with letters attached.”
“I remember members of her family doing the same.”
“When I turned 7, my mom came back.”
“I started spending time with her.”
“She would take me to parks, zoos, and aquariums etc.”
“I also met her family.”
“I loved this, although I now know my dad didn’t like the fact that my mom randomly showed up out of nowhere wanting to spend time with me, although he did soften up to it over time.”
‘I still have contact with my mom.”
“I don’t see her as often as before.”
“But I still love her and see her as much as possible.’
“There was no conflict due to this situation at all until when I was 14, my dad met a new woman.”
“I will call ‘A’ for this.”
“A and my dad started dating when I was 14, married when I was 15.”
“A brought her twins (15 M for both) from her previous relationship into her marriage with my dad.”
“I have a good relationship with both my stepbrothers.”
“I have a decent relationship with A but 2 things always bugged me.”
“1. How my dad seemed to rush into marrying A (he proposed to her 3 months into their relationship.)”
“2. A wanted me to call her mom literally the day I met her.”
“She had two reasons for this.”
“1. I don’t have a mom, and I need one.”
“2. She wants our family to be more united.”
“I always just shrugged this off.”
“I got away with it because when my dad married A it’s like he forgot about me completely and didn’t care about me.”
“I also felt like it wasn’t my place to complain.”
“That’s the context of all of this.”
“We’re a year into Dad and A’s marriage.”
‘A’s birthday is coming up.”
“All of us bought her a gift but she says she doesn’t like physical ones and also said she wants a more ‘verbal gift’ from me.”
“Last night at dinner I learned what this was.”
“She asked me if I say yes to letting her adopt me so she could be my mom.”
“Of course it caught me off guard.”
“I said no, I already have a mom.”
“A doesn’t like the fact I talk to my actual mom still, and she said that she’s my mom because she’s at home with me every day and is married to my dad.”
“Then called my actual mom a part timer in my life.”
“I told her no, I’m sorry I can’t her son but even if my actual mom is a part timer she was there for me a long time before she was.”
“I received an angry scolding for this from both my dad and A.”
“A specifically has been cold towards me since then.”
“I’m struggling to comprehend this, and need to ask anonymously if I was in the wrong here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to call his stepmother “mom.”
Everyone agreed that A’s behavior was not only inappropriate, as the OP had a strong bond and relationship with his biological mother, but also weird to the point of concerning:
“NTA.”
“She tried to use her birthday as a bargaining chip to get you to agree to something you’re not interested in, thats really manipulative.”
“Also this is something your birth mother should know about if she has an agreement in place with your dad about how custody of you works.”
“You are a human with feelings, just because they are inconvenient for your father and stepmother doesn’t mean they get to scold you for them, and her being so dismissive of your birth mother’s role in your life while not doing anything to improve her own connection to you shows she only cares about LOOKING like a good mother.”- Zorbie
“NTA.”
“But INFO: I’m curious.”
“Is your Dad asking her children to call him Dad too?”
“If so, how are they reacting?”
“If not, why not?”- MistySky1999
“NTA.”
“It sounds like dad wasn’t happy with your mom randomly showing up as much as you thought.”
“Hence the rushed relationship and wedding.”
“You spent most of your life with a certain status quo, and here you are, at 16, being demanded to change that because of their picture-perfect dreams.”
“You are 2 years away from being an adult and being able to move out.”
“You might want to start planning just in case they blow this up even more and go as far as kicking you out at 18.”
“If your dad wanted a ‘new’ mom for you, he should have done that a lot earlier.”
“All I can suggest is that if you don’t want to accept, keep your head down, your tongue in check, finish school, and make plans to get out.”
“It’s really disappointing how parents like yours act when a new marriage and ‘blended’ families are involved and them not allowing things to happen organically and pushing for more when you are still adjusting to the changes and also figuring out your next steps in life.”
“I am really sorry they are behaving this way towards you, and it’s not right nor fair.”
“Your feelings are valid.”- GhostofaPhoenix
“My Fiancé has a 2 year old son and even though I will be in his life from the moment he can remember, I would still 1. Never expect him to call me mom and 2. Never demand that he do so.”
“You are NTA and are absolutely correct when you say you already have a mother.”
“I even applaud your mom for knowing she didn’t want to be a mom at the time and still giving your father what he wanted.”
“That doesn’t make her any less of a mother in my eyes.”
“She may have missed out on some years of your life but this doesn’t seem to bother you and your opinion is the only one that should matter because as you stated her and your father had an agreement.”
“Your father is too old to be acting so childish and A needs to seek out a therapist.”
“I’m guessing her sons call your father dad with no problem and this is just making it seem as though you’re being stubborn/difficult for no reason but be firm and stand your ground.”
“If A wanted to be called mom so badly she would’ve went about it the right way and given you the space to grow comfortable to do so.”
“As things are now I’d even be inclined to refer to her as the stepmother from hell.”
“But I’m petty.”
“Be better than me 😅 (still don’t have to call her mom).”- IYKYKBIYDWTTDB
“NTA.”
“No one has the right to dictate how you identify the people in your life.”
“A is not your mom.”
“She is your father’s wife.”
“End of discussion.”
“Your father has always wanted a picture of family that he didn’t get with your mom.”
“And has probably festered deep down internally.”
“With A coming into the picture he thought he could rewrite reality to his ideal.”
“Forgetting thst his son is his own person with thoughts and feelings.”
“‘A and father,”
“‘I’m sorry that both of you are upset with the outcome of the discussion regarding adoption’.”
“‘But being mad and cold with/at me won’t change the facts’.”
“‘I have a mom who I love dearly’.”
“‘Judy because she isn’t here all the time doesn’t change that she is my mom or that I love her’.”
“‘And unfortunately your reactions are ruining any chance we had at forming a healthy and respectful relationship where I could have seen A as more than just Father’s wife’.”
“‘But now that chance is gone’.”
“‘I am a person with my own thoughts and feelings’.”
“‘Just because they misaligned to your hopes and expectations doesn’t mean I am the villain’.”
“‘I am a child’.”
“‘I not responsible for how you handle this’.”
“‘Please understand I wasn’t trying to be rude’.”
“‘But when push comes to shove I will stand my ground’.”
“‘Op’.”- Terra88draco
It’s not unreasonable for A to want the OP to love her like a mother, as she will now be an active part of his life.
Providing, of course, that she loves him like a son.
Even so, the OP has a mother, and “mom” is a sacred name to address someone by.
And isn’t a name that one requests to be addressed by, but instead is earned.