Content Warning: Postpartum Symptoms, Body-Shaming, Intimacy
Anyone who considers bringing a baby into their family needs to understand what they are asking of the mother, assuming they are going to use a method that involves her carrying the baby.
From the physical symptoms of the pregnancy to how a woman's body will change as a result of having a baby can be startling, and it's not discussed nearly enough.
Most importantly, the way the woman feels about her body might not be what she would expect, and if the people around her are not supportive, there can be major issues, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EstablishmentFew6975 was only two months postpartum from having her baby, and she was still healing from the pain, discomfort, and bodily changes of pregnancy and childbirth.
When her husband confided to her that he missed her pre-pregnancy body, the Original Poster (OP) was distraught and refused to sleep with him.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not being intimate with my husband after he said he misses my pre-pregnancy body?"
The OP was still adjusting and healing after having a baby.
"I gave birth around two months ago. I'm up a bit more than 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight."
"I'm in constant pain, barely getting sleep, and still recovering."
"I've also been easing back into the gym this past week."
After being intimate, the OP's husband told her how he really felt about her body.
"My husband and I were showering after having sex, and while feeling me he said he missed my body, and he said I used to look so good in sexy clothes/lingerie before."
"I went quiet, finished my shower, and went to check on the baby."
"I brought it up later that his comments hurt me and that I'm self-conscious about how I look and trying to change it."
"He just shrugged and said it's true."
The OP wasn't comfortable being intimate with her husband after that.
"I cried in my car after my workout. He doesn't even work out, and he eats garbage food."
"I've been feeling really down about my body since his comment, and I've pulled back from intimacy for a few days."
"He says I'm weaponizing sex, but I'm just struggling with how I feel about myself right now."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some could not believe how insensitive the OP's husband was.
"The OP wrote, 'He just shrugged and said it's true.' That AH had the nerve to put his foot in TWICE?! Has he no filter? What a selfish AH!"
"I can't even understand wanting to have sex two months after birth; your husband should be ecstatic that you even feel like being intimate at all."
"You are not weaponizing sex. You have just (rightly so) gone off your husband. Selfishness and a**holery are such a turnoff and SO unattractive."
"Why does he even want sex if your body is all of a sudden so very unattractive (which I am 100% sure it isn't). He did that to himself."
"And now he throws a pity party without feeling the need to apologize to you. Not that an apology out of his mouth would be believable at this point." - corvus_corone_corone
"OP just had a baby, is trying to heal, function, and still make space for intimacy, and instead of being supportive, her husband made her feel less than. That's not 'honesty,' that's cruelty."
"OP isn't weaponizing sex; she's responding like any human would when hurt by someone who's supposed to love and cherish her. She deserves compassion, not guilt trips." - MelodyBaee
"Two months after you give birth, you are barely even approved for sex from your doctor, let alone physically recovered. Your husband is an AH. Sorry you married a s**tty man." - NYCStoryteller
"Seriously, you are two months postpartum and only 10 pounds above your pre-pregnancy weight? You are way ahead of the curve as far as the majority of people who have been pregnant. In addition, you have been caring for a new human that you grew for nine months and pushed out of your body, probably with great difficulty."
"Does not sound like you are getting a ton of support as far as helping with this child. What is this man expecting? He does not sound anywhere near realistic or supportive. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this."
"On the other hand, I can completely understand you not having the energy for this. Do you have someplace you could go and stay for a little bit where you would be loved and supported? Anyhow, NTA." - DrVL2
"She says she's in pain. I wonder if he's pressuring her for sex before she is ready. He's a jerk. She should move on from him and find someone who values her." - GogusWho
"I'm permanently like 10lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. I've accepted that this is just how I look now. If he thinks your body will ever look exactly like it did pre-baby he's living in delulu land. You will look sexy in a completely new way, and if he can't appreciate that, then he doesn't deserve you." - MoonFlowerDaisy
"NTA! Next time he says something, let him know that just how he's no longer turned on by your post-pregnancy body. You're no longer turned on by his post-pregnancy attitude. That s**t would have dried me up like the Sahara desert, what a rude, horrible thing to say to your wife, who just gave birth to your child less than two months ago."
"On another note, if you're still in pain and constant pain at that, I would really speak to your doctor, while it might be nothing, it could also be a sign that you're healing incorrectly. Take care of yourself, your baby needs you in good shape, and you need you in good shape." - Difficult_Muscle9110
Others also found the OP's husband's comments to be incredibly ironic and self-serving.
"She says he doesn't exercise and eats like garbage. I bet money he has a 'dad bod' but is criticizing her on her looks. Dude's a f**king chump, she should say he has a small d**k and no skills." - Economy-Diver-5089
"How would he feel about having sex if she told him that she wishes his hair were still as thick or if he were more 'chiseled' like some actor? Maybe that she wishes he were more thoughtful and caring like X or Y?" - stzulover
"Her body has gone through trauma to give him a child. It's like if she got a kidney donated from him and then complained that he wasn't as hot now that he has one kidney…" - Midnight-writer-B
"Caregiving, breastfeeding, hormone recovery, healing, and sleep deprivation are a perfect storm to wreck your body."
"OP is amazing, exercising despite this. I hope she's doing it to feel good and get strong, not because this mediocre dude demands she 'bounce back.'"
"What an absolute moron to be this entitled, clueless, say this out loud and double down. It's frankly heartbreaking. And so disappointing."
"I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who said this to me for weeks or months. It's not weaponizing anything. Sex is something you do with someone you like. Especially postpartum, when you have about 10 minutes of extra energy a week, if that. He's shown a complete lack of appreciation, empathy, trust, and support. And no teamwork."
"OP's stupid husband might not know this, but getting better sleep, lowers your cortisol and makes you svelter and hotter… maybe he can take all the night shifts? What a ridiculous dude." - Midnight-writer-B
"You know those IG accounts that pull out pics of the men who leave nasty comments on pics of women celebs? I feel we need to pull one of this husband because I bet he looks like a total loser while demanding perfection."
"Girl, your husband needs to be worshipping the body that made him a child. I remember feeling like a whale in the last few weeks of pregnancy, but my husband made me feel like a true goddess. You deserve better." - kama_s
"I would just drop this on him at some point, 'I wish I remembered what it felt like when I admired you, thought you were intelligent and not shallow, someone who I wanted to have sex with.'" - -Me__oW
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP had been treated by her husband, especially when it was still so soon after the birth of their child. If the husband wanted to somehow restore his relationship with his wife and regain access to that bedroom, he had serious apologizing, mindset shifting, and possibly therapy to go through before it'd be worth it to the OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.