It's generally not a wise decision to make any sort of suggestions regarding people's bodies.
Even if we think we're doing them a favor, there's a chance they might not see it that way.
However, if they are putting their health seriously in danger, we might be obligated to step in.
Especially if it's not only their health they are jeopardizing.
Redditor Top_Explanation_9357 began to see some worrying evidence that their pregnant fiancée was partaking in some unhealthy habits.
Despite their growing suspicion, the original poster (OP) was inclined to believe their fiancé.
Until that is, they caught her red-handed and confronted her then and there.
After getting the cold shoulder from their fiancée afterwards, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole) (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA? Vaping during pregnancy."
The OP explained why they felt the need to confront their fiancée:
"My fiance is a little over 7 weeks pregnant, and she has been hiding the fact that she has still been vaping."
"The first sign was an empty vape box inside of her car, but I thought nothing of it at first because she was a heavy smoker prior to her pregnancy."
"However, the second sign was finding a vape in our bed."
"It wasn't there when I made the bed earlier that day, and then right there next to her, I find the vape while she was sleeping."
"I asked her if she was still smoking it, and she laughed and said no."
"I don't try to pry, so I left it there, thinking she wouldn't be intentionally (potentially) harming our unborn child."
"Fast-forward to today. I walk past our son's room (we have a 5-year-old), but unbeknownst to her, I see her hit the vape, and I immediately ask her what I just saw her do."
"Now I'll spare the conversation after that and what transpired, but am I the a**hole?"
"I'm being ignored and treated as so, for pointing out and questioning the obvious."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting their fiancée about vaping while pregnant.
Everyone agreed that the OP had a right to speak up, as it wasn't only their fiancée's health that was in danger from her vaping, but also their unborn child:
"NTA."
"You're not out of line for being concerned—this isn't about preferences or opinions, it's about health and safety."
"You're literally watching someone you love do something that could harm your unborn child."
"That's not controlling, that's responsible parenting."
"But we need to know what the conversation was."
"It is okay to flip out but how did the conversation go?"- LMAOnadeSt4nd
"I'm going to preface this with how uncomfortable I am with policing pregnant women's behavior, which is bad and trending towards awful."
"But NTA, it's not just that she's vaping while pregnant and with a small child, but that she is probably hiding behind vaping 'not really' being smoking, and even worse, she is LYING."
"I will say it might help if instead of trying to 'catch' her or play gotcha (not that this is what you are doing), you look at this as a serious addiction and how you can help her stop."
"People minimize just how addictive nicotine is; people think it's just a matter of willpower, and if you can quit, you just must be weak."
"Nicotine is extremely addictive; it's dismissed as being 'merely psychological' compared to, say, heroin."
"But I've known several heroin addicts, they all said it was harder to stop smoking (this was pre-vaping) than stop heroin, even though the physical withdrawal symptoms from heroin were far worse."
"Case in point, most of the people I knew had stopped using heroin."
"Almost all of them were still smoking."
"I haven't been to an NA (or for that matter, AA) meeting in a long time, but back when I did—clouds of smoke."
"And in smoke-free meetings (prolly far more common now) you could tell the entrance to a meeting based on the cluster of smokers and litter of butts."- MarionberryPlus8474
"Nicotine is nicotine."
"The CDC has determined that vaping is not safe during pregnancy."
"You are NTA."
"Your fiancé though."- IamIrene
"NTA."
"I had to quit vaping last year when I got pregnant."
"It was the hardest thing I have ever done."
"Those cravings hit so hard that I would have rather given up my arm that first week."
"I didn't go cold turkey."
"As soon as I found out, I switched to nicotine patches and threw all of the vapes away."
"My husband even stopped smoking."
"The few hits I took while on a patch made me puke."
"Anyway, it is definitely important that she stops."
"But good lord, it is difficult."- Cigarette-milk
"NTA for being upset but also need to understand nicotine isn't something easily put down."
"Maybe try supporting here stopping and offer resources than trying to catch her slipping ."- gayiguana
"Obviously, smoking or vaping during pregnancy is bad and not recommended."
"But, I know two women who were heavy smokers and were actually told it would be safer if they cut it down to 1-2 smokes a day because the stress quitting nicotine does to the body could seriously harm the baby or cause a miscarriage."
"But, OP's wife shouldn't have lied."
"Lying about it implies she didn't have a physician's guidance in continuing to vape."
"Plus, as a former vaper, I know that having your vape on you in the house means you're taking in way more nicotine than smoking cigarettes because it's close to you all day and you just absentmindedly smoke it."
"End of the day though, NTA."
"I get your reaction."
"This is your child too and it makes sense this made you upset."
"When you've both calmed down (warning to you though, if she's genuinely just stopped vaping cold turkey, it's a slim chance you'll have a calm conversation with her right now) suggest she discuss with a doctor the safest way to quit for the baby."- Plastic-Shallot8535
"She needs to talk to her doctor about safe ways to quit."
"It's really hard and pregnancy makes you emotional by itself."
"I don't think you're out of line."
"NTA."
"I would generally suggest she talk to her doctor when you guys can talk about it again under less angry circumstances."- ZedGardner
"NTA."
"For being concerned about her vaping while pregnant."
"You have approached it kindly so far."
"That being said after reading your comments and seeing you smoke weed you are TA for that."
"Nicotine is hard on the body."
"Vaping is so much harder to quit than cigarettes because of its accessibility, on top of that she is I'm sure feeling guilt and more stress because she's exposing the baby to it as well."
"It hard for her to quit knowing she's doing it alone because you get to keep smoking what you smoke and she has to give it up."
"Quitting is hard mentally and physically and you need to be more empathetic to her situation and figure out how to best support her."
"This would include you quitting smoking along with her."
"It's not fair to her to have to be the only one giving up vices and you get to continue and nag her for it."
"I say this as someone who is 8 months pregnant."
"You need to meet her halfway to have any chance of actually supporting her and helping care for the unborn child."
"Go to a doctor's appointment with her, research support groups, and stop trying to scare her with statistics if you're going to sit on your high horse smoking while chastising her."
"Good luck with everything, being a good partner includes making sacrifices to help her out."- nautikasweet
Some, however, felt that the OP could have handled things much more delicately than they did, even if they still didn't condone their fiancée's decision.
"ESH."
"She shouldn't do that while pregnant."
"You shouldn't be surprised that someone who was by your account a heavy smoker is still a heavy smoker while pregnant."
"This should have been something you addressed prior to making a baby with her."- echocardigecko
"ESH."
"Be an adult and just talk to her, not in front of your child, and don't pressure her or act like she's a child."
"'What did it just see you do" is only setting her up to lie to you'."
"These conversations shouldn't be held in front of the kid, and the child isn't going to 'not notice the tension' just because you say it with a smile."
"Take the conversation to the other room or save it for when the kid is asleep."- Sillybumblebee33
Pregnancy is not easy, and the last people any pregnant woman wants are men scrutinizing their every decision.
However, the OP was not scrutinizing their fiancée, but was instead genuinely concerned about putting herself and their baby in trouble.
However, quitting vaping and smoking is not as easy as it seems, so in order for the OP's fiancé to do that successfully, she will need all the help and support the OP can provide.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp