We've all made mistakes in our lives.
Some that over time, we can do nothing but laugh about
Others that were a tad more serious, and ultimately had a negative impact on others.
Most people know when they have to be the mature one and accept responsibility for their actions.
Unfortunately, there are still far too many people who will search for any possible way to find someone else to blame.
Redditor Human-Person123456 was once party to a somewhat serious accident in the kitchen of his then-home.
An accident that thankfully didn't cause harm to any individuals, but one that required significant repairs.
Repairs that the original poster (OP) refused to even partially cover, feeling he wasn't the one solely. responsible for the damages.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to pay my roommate for a new stove?"
The OP explained why he didn't think he was responsible for replacing the stove in his former apartment:
"I lived the past summer in a house with a group of male friends."
"One night, I went to make a frozen pizza but I was a little bit high so instead of hitting bake on the oven, I hit broil."
"Turns out, one of my roommates thought the broiler was a storage shelf and had been storing all the wooden cutting boards in the broiler."
"I did not check the broiler before starting the oven, because I didn't mean to hit broil and I didn't expect there to be wooden cutting boards in the oven."
"Fast forward a few minutes, there is a fire in the oven and massive amounts of smoke filling the house."
"We put it out with an extinguisher but the oven was ruined."
"The landlord ended up having to get a new oven put in."
"Things went back to normal and I moved out at the end of the summer to go back to college, thinking nothing of the oven incident."
"My buddies stayed living there and replaced me with another roommate who lived in town."
"However, now the original lease is up and the landlord wants us to pay for the oven replacement."
"The guy who put the wooden cutting boards in the broiler hit me up asking me to pay for half since it was 'both of our fault'."
"I told him I wasn't going to pay because if he didn't put wood in the oven, it would have been fine."
"He says I have a responsibility to check the oven/broiler before starting it."
"So what do you think? AITA for refusing to pay half?"
"Am I somewhat at fault and should pay half?"
"What say you good people of Reddit?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely agreed that the OP was not a**hole for refusing to help pay his roommate for a new stove.
Some felt that even if the OP's roommate was partially responsible for storing wood in the oven, the OP was also responsible for not noticing they set the oven to broil, and while doing it under the influence, and thus should have contributed towards the new oven:
"Your roommate was liable for putting wood anything in an oven."
"You are liable for not looking before you used the oven, because it would have been evident those cutting boards were there."
"So pay your half, and be thankful the entire house didn't go up."
"YTA."- EmploymentLanky9544
"I guess you don't have an Italian grandmother, because you would have known that a cornucopia of items may be stored in the broiler."
"YTA, being high isn't an excuse, your roommate is being very reasonable, and you are not."- Discojoe3030
Most others, however, felt that the OP ultimately wasn't the one to blame, as their roommate should never have stored wood in the oven, and their mistake was an honest one anyone could have made:
"NTA."
"The landlord is the A here."
"The landlord is owed the cost of the used stove only and not the value of the new replacement stove."
"The landlord should be made whole for whatever the value that the stove was worth before it was destroyed."
"Also your deposit should cover the cost."
"If you paid into the deposit and didn't get it paid out when you left then that should count for your share."- Atherial
"NTA."
"I feel like being high is irrelevant."
"It's easy to hit broil instead of bake even while sober."
"Also, even if you weren't high, would you have checked the broiler first?"
"I wouldn't."
"Who stores stuff there?"
"I have had roommates from all over the country and no one ever did that."
"At the very least your roommate should have warned everyone about the stuff being stored in the oven."- Ishamael99
"NTA."
"How old was the burnt oven?"
"Things in rental units age and wear out."
"Landlord doesn't get to take full brand new replacement cost out of a security deposit because an old appliance or floor needs to be replaced."- procrasstinating
"NTA."
"Who stores anything, let alone wood, in an oven?"
"How stupid, what did they expect?"- Relative_Walrus1135
"NTA."
"But I'm so confused."
"Who on earth would think the broiler is a shelf for storing anything?"
"That is insane."
"Also- even if you had looked in the oven, why would it ever occur to you to bend way down to be able to see the wood stored on the broiler?"
"Unless your oven is very different from mine."
"How could you ever guess someone was storing wood up on the broiler?"
"Maybe on the oven shelves, but up on the broiler?"
"That is wild to me."- vichado2
The OP later returned with an update, sharing what he ultimately decided on doing and openly expressed how he felt about everyone's responses:
"I'm going to pay for half."
"I can definitely see the arguments for 50/50 blame and overall the friendship is most important to me."
"It's worth it and probably the right thing to do."
"Ultimately, I should have checked the oven and will do so going forward."
"Thanks to everyone who laid this out in kind and constructive manner!"
"Most convincing argument in the comments: 'Don't be a scrub, pay half'."
"They got me, I can't argue with that!"
"It seems that storing things in the oven is WAY more common than I thought."
"Check your ovens before using them people!"
"Never know what might be in there."
"Lots of good points about the landlord in all this."
"Before I pay, I'm going to team up with my buddy and see if we can't both avoid paying."
"Thank you!"
"Some of you guys really think weed is like PCP or something."
"The amount of comments stating I was out of my mind trying to operate 'adult equipment' was shocking."
"I smoked one joint between three people."
"I've made hundreds of frozen pizzas under similar circumstances and never had a single incident because there was no wood secretly stored in the oven."
"This was more about me not thinking that checking was necessary."
"I have accidentally pressed the wrong button before sober, and probably will again."
"I wouldn't have checked even if I was sober."
"Congrats to all the people who have never made an appliance mistake though lol."
"I am still not convinced by the people who say I should pay 100%."
"The guy who stored literal wood in an oven without telling any one, has no blame here?"
"I really have no reasonable expectation that it's okay to use my broiler, or that there won't be wood in the oven?"
"It feels like a few people are projecting their own questionable oven storage habits onto this."
"To the few people who came in super hot/aggressive, being rude and telling me to 'grow the f*ck up' or that I'm a bad person for even considering I might be in the right here."
"Just wow."
"You guys could use some self-reflection."
"I'm literally here because I'm self-reflecting and asking for unbiased opinions."
"Maybe it's time to time to get off your high horses and look in the mirror."
"You guys are so judgmental and condescending to a person you don't know at all."
"Most times these people didn't even have the facts right but felt comfortable coming in guns blazing."
"None of this is that serious."
"We're all human here, we all make mistakes."
"For your sake, I hope the people in your life don't treat you with the same ill-informed judgement and condescending attitude that you did to me."
"Thanks again everyone!"
"I hope we all enjoyed a good old fashioned AITA."
"I know I did."
Ultimately, the OP made the mature decision to pay for half of the oven.
It is something of a shame, however, that it wasn't a decision that came a bit more naturally to him.
Nor does the assumption that these sorts of accidents are more common than people claim seem entirely believable...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp