A “helicopter parent” is a parent who is excessively involved in their child’s life, often hovering nearby and intervening in their child’s activities and decisions to protect them or ensure their success.
People usually think about underage children when they talk about helicopter parents, but some of these parents don’t let go even after their child is an adult. Which can cause problems in their child’s relationships.
A woman dealing with her significant other’s helicopter parents turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask Would I Be The A**hole (WIBTA) to get feedback on a proposed solution.
Common_Category_269 asked:
“WIBTA for telling my boyfriend’s parents I’m not his babysitter?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (23, female) have been dating my boyfriend Josh (29, male) for 2 years. We live together as well.”
“Josh lives with me. It’s his first time moving out in 4 years which might be a contributor. We’ve lived together for a little over a year now though.”
“Recently, his parents have started asking me to get him to do things: ‘Make sure Josh goes to the dentist for his cracked tooth’ or ‘Make sure Josh updates his passport’ or ‘Make sure Josh changes his pet food for his cat. We don’t like the brand’ or ‘Make sure Josh does his taxes. You may need to sit with him and help’.”
“The most recent has been convincing Josh to get a new job in an entirely unrelated field because Josh’s parents don’t feel like he makes enough money. Josh makes 70k, I make 110k so we are doing fine.”
“Josh is a 6/10 responsible, but I’m probably a 7/10 myself. He’ll get the important stuff done, but wait until last minute. We’ve lived together a year.”
“We both slack off around the house during the week, but have a weekly cleaning/take care of chores day which works for us.”
“If Josh needs to get something done though, he will without reminders, it just might take a little bit. If I communicate I need something done ASAP though, he’d do it ASAP.”
“Typically I respond with some variation of ‘I’m sure he’s more than capable of doing x himself, and if he doesn’t, it’ll be a good learning experience’, but that hasn’t stopped Josh’s parents.”
“Now I’m planning on being a little harsher and telling them I’m not Josh’s babysitter and to leave me out of these concerns.”
“WIBTA for saying that?”
“Is there anything else I should do differently?”
“TLDR: Boyfriend’s parents want me to make sure he does normal adult tasks. I feel it is not my job.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for telling Josh’s parents to stop involving me in them wanting to babysit Josh and hold his hand through all his adult decisions.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Warning, if they believe this is your job as the woman, they likely have raised Josh to believe this as well.”
“It may not be evident in the early stages of your relationship but as time goes on and pressures add, responsibilities pile on and maybe you add kids, you might find Josh doesn’t pick up tasks like this because he’s never had to and deep down believes that’s your role.”
“Ask me how I know this. Lived it.”
“NTA, but keep a very close eye on this. You may not be seeing it yet and his words may be saying the right thing, but watch to see what he does over time and pressure.” ~ milee30
“Ugh, they sound awful. Where’s Josh in all this? Why isn’t he telling them to shut up? He’s really the one that needs to confeont his parents to get it to stop.”
“While you’re NTA for being fed up, you can turn into one by creating drama if you go too far.” ~ CSurvivor9
“NTA. I think Josh needs to handle his parents, that’s not your job. He needs to tell them, ‘hey, I keep hearing you tell OP to remind me about things and make appointments. It feels a little weird to me when you treat her like my personal assistant’.” ~ pokedabadger
“Why are they eating Josh’s cat’s food? Seriously, though, they sound awful.” ~ Trishshirt5678
“There’s no indication that he isn’t responsible, just that his parents are busybodies. One of the things they wanted OP to do was get Josh to change the food he feeds his cat because they don’t like his current brand. That doesn’t tell you anything about Josh other than that he has nutters for parents.” ~ oop_norf
“It sounds like Josh has helicopter parents that can’t let go and are trying to use OP to still control and manipulate Josh. OP needs to talk to Josh about this along with telling his parents it makes her uncomfortable and they need to stop.” ~ sugartitsitis
“Just because his parents think he is not capable of this stuff does not necessarily mean that he isn’t. The OP has not told us he doesn’t make dentist appointments or renew his passport.”
“This could just be a case of overprotective parenting. After all they think he should get a more well paying job, while he and the OP think his job is just fine.”
“I do agree with you that if Josh thinks that the OP is doing this she should run, but if he does not, he should tell them he is a grown up and they should back off. Either way OP is NTA.” ~ DogsandCatsWorld1000
“NTA. You’re his partner, not his personal assistant, life coach, or concierge service. Josh is a grown man pushing 30.”
“If he can earn a salary, cohabitate, and file his own taxes (hopefully), then he can also handle his dentist appointments and passport renewals without a handler.”
“His parents need to redirect their concerns to him, not delegate them to you like you’re on payroll. Setting that boundary doesn’t make you harsh—it makes you sane.” ~ velvetblonde89
“NTA, but I think it’s best if Josh tells them to stop. It won’t be well received from you and could create issues down the road.” ~ EwwDavvidd
“NTA. I’d just tell them: ‘I’m his partner, NOT his mother/babysitter/personal assistant. Please stop messaging/calling me about this stuff’. And then just block them if they keep harassing you.” ~ wandering_salad
“Just stare at them and say nothing. Let the pause emphasize the stupidity of their comments. Then continue as if nothing happened.”
“E.g. you could say ‘would you like some tea?’.”
“Eventually, they will learn not to say such silly things. Make it awkward, and they will strive to avoid the situation.” ~ ShutUpMorrisseyffs
“They aren’t asking you to make sure Josh does normal adult things. They are asking you to get Josh to do what they want him to do. This is very manipulative.”
“I would bet they’ve already tried to get Josh to do what they want, and he doesn’t, so now they are involving you. He is an adult and seems fully capable of making his own decisions. Don’t fall for this. NTA.” ~ Closetbrainer
“NTA. I literally had to stand next to my husband and make him make an eye appointment. Had to say, no tell them it’s an emergency AND you have a dark spot in your vision. He WASN’T going to say anything and just make a regular appointment.”
“This is what happens when mommy does everything, and baby doesn’t have to participate in boring life things. I also won’t do his laundry. He knows if he’s almost out of underwear and can solve that problem on his own.”
“The bar is so low these days.” ~ Responsible-Stick-50
“This is a Josh problem. Tell him to get his parents off your back.” ~ HugeNefariousness222
“I’d say something like, ‘you know, the fact that you are pressing me to ensure he does these very basic adult things leads me to believe you didn’t raise him to be a functional human being. Is there a reason you don’t trust your son to complete basic tasks?’.”
“Throw all the shade on them and let them answer for their own shortcomings.” ~ elizzup
“Even babysitters do not do these things. Tell them you are not his mom and have no intention of ever taking on this role. NTA.” ~ Jealous_Radish_2728
“NTA. My in-laws are a little like this. Once my father-in-law took me aside and asked me to get my husband to put the toilet seat down.”
“If you couldn’t train him to do that in 18 years, why is it my job‽‽”
“My response has always been that he’s an adult and can manage himself.” ~ Plesiadapiformes
The OP provided a short update:
“After reading all this though, I’m telling Josh to figure out his parents and their nagging from now on.”
“Josh knows and thinks it’s annoying. Josh will nod along to shut them up and then ignore them.”
“But after reading these comments, I’ll have Josh have a talk with them about this annoying behavior.”
It sounds like the OP has a plan for handling—or rather not handling—this situation in the future.