Content Warning: Mentions of Controlling and Manipulative Behavior, Financial Abuse, Work Abuse
Anyone who has lived with a roommate or romantic partner can attest to how annoying it can be to balance out the chores in the home.
But when more people are involved, especially when they are children, it only gets messier, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Natural_Copy_3850 felt her life totally change when she had a baby, not just because of having a baby but because of how her husband started treating her and how it changed her work life.
When he refused to see her perspective and would not help her “more” at home, the Original Poster (OP) began to ponder if it would be better to get a divorce.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for leaving my husband after he refused to help with our child?”
The OP’s work life completely changed when she had a baby.
“My (29 Female) husband (30 Male) and I have been together for 10 years and currently share one child (3 Female).”
“When our daughter was born, I was working full-time in an office setting, but then went on leave after developing severe PPD (Post-Partum Depression).”
“We realized that we didn’t need my full income, so I stepped down to part-time so we didn’t have to use daycare, and to hopefully relieve some stress to ease my depression.”
The OP quickly felt the imbalance of home life duties when she switched to part-time.
“I worked part-time from the time she was six months old until January 2025. During this time, I was responsible for the household and our daughter.”
“My husband’s only real responsibility was cooking dinner and the occasional breakfast.”
“I cleaned, I grocery shopped and meal planned, I remembered all the appointments and events, I also did all of the child rearing with the exception of the two days I worked in office (I had one day from home, but my daughter was at home with me).”
“I became more overwhelmed than I was before. I asked for help constantly, and my husband would follow through for about two weeks before telling me that he was too tired from working full time (~40 hrs).”
The couple disagreed about the OP going back to working full-time.
“I told him I wanted to go back to work full-time and split the workload.”
“He said no.”
“I found a job anyway. One where I’d be able to put my daughter in a reputable daycare for my remote days and still be bringing in more monthly than my part-time job.”
“(It’s important to note that we are also renovating our entire home due to hurricane damage and we didn’t have insurance so extra income is needed.)”
“I told my husband about the job after accepting the position. He was furious. He told me not to expect any help outside of what he does now (cooking). He has remained steadfast in his decision to not help.”
“I recently asked again if he could at least help by brushing her teeth in the morning. He said no.”
“I said we are supposed to be a team, and I would really appreciate his help.”
“He snapped that this is what I wanted, I did this to myself, and he would not be helping beyond his fair share.”
Between working full-time and part-time, the OP realized there was another option.
“I said Fine, I’ll figure it out myself.”
“I have asked on a number of occasions for more help. I even gave specific examples of what would be helpful.”
“He stands by the statement that he does more than his fair share. He helps with the lawn when I’ve been busy, but usually I do the landscaping/gardening (personal preference, I enjoy it). Also, he cooks because he enjoys it. I hate it.”
“I’ve since been contemplating divorce. If the only responsibility I need to pick up is cooking, then what help do I need from him?”
“Am I wrong for deciding that if he won’t help, I won’t stay?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that what she was asking for was reasonable.
“NTA. Marriage and parenting are supposed to be a team effort, not one person doing 95% while the other cooks dinner. You deserve real support, not resentment for asking.” – bbyglossx
“I have a feeling that once OP cuts the dead weight that is her husband, she is going to find relief and her workload lightened to a more manageable amount.”
“Seriously, what type of piece of s**t do you have to be to not step up and help your toddler brush their teeth? What type of POS are you that you are content to watch your partner struggle and then give them more grief when they ask for help?”
“He brings in a paycheck and makes five to seven meals a week. That is the bare minimum for a roommate-type situation or just oneself. Those are not the actions of a true man/husband/father who is part of a family.” – Scorp128
“NTA. Tell him-our daughter was not conceived by miraculous conception. That’s 50% of you there. So either you do your 50% of parenting, and you and I are a team, or you do your 50% as a single dad. Your choice. You’re doing this to yourself.” – TooTallBrawl1919
“It seems like the husband thinks that OP is the only one who wanted that kid… because what kind of loving dad would not want to spend time with their kid? If they divorced, then would he ask for 50% custody and finally do 50% just not to pay child support?”
“Because if you assume that your wife is supposed to work and take care of the kid and house basically 100% of the time (in my honest opinion, cooking dinner is not even 5% contribution as he is also eating) then try living alone, cleaning the house and cooking for yourself and on top of that paying child support cause you didn’t want any custody.”
“The husband clearly doesn’t appreciate OP and her contribution. Working 40 hours per week plus a couple of hours on cooking dinner is nothing compared to PT/FT job plus 24/7 childcare and household chores. They could probably fix some of their problems by hiring help, but husband’s attitude is so selfish and misogynistic that OP is better off divorcing.” – lndlml
“Seriously, what a lazy guy. I work full-time, which is often overtime in the military, and stand 24/7 on call duty weeks, and my husband has to be up at 4:00 AM and sometimes has to work the weekend. We have a toddler and a baby. He’s exhausted, and I try to carry all I can.”
“He’s still 100% hands-on. We both are. We are tired and overworked, and we still prioritize our marriage and our family. Our exhaustion comes second. When we get home, it’s both of us juggling tasks.”
“Sometimes one person is more than the other to make sure we get everything that needs to be done, done while making room for one-on-one time with the kids.”
“I have zero sympathy for men like this. My husband would shame the crap out of this guy.” – Elismom1313
Others agreed and hoped that the OP would give herself the relief of divorce.
“He’s definitely not seeing them as a team or as partners. He seems to feel that if he does more, he loses.”
“He will be stunned when she tells him she has worked it out and she’s filing for divorce. He will likely say he didn’t know she was serious.” – BlazingSunflowerland
“Men like this will be like, ‘I didn’t think you were that unhappy,’ and then when the truth comes out, they’ll be like, ‘Please stay, I’ll do ANYTHING.’ But by then, you just want them to be gone.”
“The ‘I’ll do anything’ is a bust, though. If they can do it, when the alternative is divorce, why the eff couldn’t they do it, when their partners said they were drowning and needed support, just to cope with daily life?!”
“Women, in general, see the support they get. And they ask for help. If they don’t get it, they make up their minds and go through with it. Trying to get them to reconsider with ‘I’ll do anything’ is never going to work.”
“And NTA. He just wanted to have a kid as a status symbol or something. He doesn’t sound like he really cares about the well-being of the kid at all.” – Special_Lychee_6847
“NTA. If you divorce, you will split custody, and then you’ll have nights where you have only yourself to worry about. No one wants to be away from their kid, but this would also ensure he does his part to. You can’t keep going 100 miles per hour without crashing, it’s time to put yourself and the baby first.” – EggshellsShoelaces
“NTA. But divorce takes time.”
“In the meantime, you need to accept that he will do nothing but cook. So you need to stop doing a lot of the things you are doing to make his life easier.”
“Clean your side of the bedroom. Vacuum your side. Not his. Clean the sink or shower before you use it, not after. So that they haven’t been cleaned before he uses them. If you have more than one bathroom, just use the other one and leave him with his own dirty bathroom.”
“Do your laundry and your child’s laundry. Don’t do his.” – chez2202
“Today’s women have enough income to walk away if the marriage is unsatisfactory. Men who were raised with an imbalance in the home and who think that’s just the way it is are angry when it doesn’t work in their own home. Be one of them, OP. NTA.” – marley_1756
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP had been treated and how she had to advocate for herself just to get somewhere in life as a working mother and woman.
If her husband couldn’t understand how he needed to step up and share the experience of raising their child and having a home, then maybe it was best for them to live under separate roofs.