Many of us deeply believe in love and enjoy seeing a happy couple who we are sure will go the distance.
This can make it especially hard to accept that most relationships are at least slightly imbalanced, with one person loving the other a little bit more.
While some couples can joke about who loves the other more, to the point that it’s an endearing quality, there are other couples who do not last because of this imbalance, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Neither-Ad-345 fell in love with her husband immediately. It took him a little while to warm up to her, and it became apparent to her during their marriage that she continued to love him more.
But when he went so far as to say that she was replaceable as his wife, the Original Poster (OP) was suddenly certain that the relationship was over.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for considering divorce because my husband said I’m ‘replaceable’?”
The OP fell immediately in love with her husband and enjoyed their marriage.
“I’m 32 (Female), and my husband (36 Male) and I have been married for seven years and together for 10.”
“I fell in love with him at first sight, but it took him a while to develop feelings for me.”
“Eventually, we got married, and overall, we’ve had a happy marriage.”
She was hurt when her husband didn’t feel the same way about her.
“Two days ago, I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a video asking: ‘Who comes first: your mom, your wife, or your daughter?'”
“I was curious and checked the comments, and I came across my husband’s comment.”
“He wrote, ‘Of course my mom comes first because she raised me, then my daughter because she’s my child, and then my wife because you can’t replace your mom or your child.'”
“It felt like a knife in my heart. This is the man I’ve given years of my life to, my love, my effort, and he sees me as the replaceable one.”
When the OP confronted her husband, she realized it was time for a change.
“I couldn’t stomach it. I brought it up, and it turned into a heated argument.”
“At one point, he said, ‘Mothers are unique; you either have one or you don’t. Wives can be replaced.'”
“So I said, ‘Then maybe it’s time for a change,’ and I left.”
“Now I’m seriously considering divorce. I’ve scheduled a meeting with a lawyer.”
“He’s been calling me nonstop, saying I am overreacting and taking it too far.”
“AITAH for not being okay with being seen as replaceable?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thoroughly questioned and criticized the OP’s husband’s way of thinking.
“My wife and I have a very explicit understanding that if we’re ever in a situation where we have to save one another or one of our kids, the kid is the priority.”
“I love my wife to death and would be devastated without her, but when I look at it from the flip side, would I want her to save me over the kids it’s an absolute h**l no, save my kids.”
“I hope I’m never in the situation, but there won’t be a moment’s hesitation from me, and I’m confident I can say the same for my wife, and that doesn’t bother me in the slightest.” – LiterallyJoeStalin
“While he’s right on pure cold logical /technicality/ it COMPLETELY ignores the emotional and social roles these bonds play in our lives, and what it means to be a human being. Like, in a sense, yeah, you could always ‘start over,’ while your mother is a role that you have no choice over.”
“HOWEVER (and a really huge glaring ‘however’) your children are the future, and you could never ever have another one that would ‘replace’ the person that they are; and your spouse, also, holds such a unique and sacred position of spiritual and emotional counterpart and connection that even if you were to make that bond with someone else, it wouldn’t be the same bond, even if it’s the ‘same type.'”
“The OP’s husband’s answer is alarmingly ignorant of what these bonds mean to our humanity.” – TheProdigyX
“I remember my sociology teacher posed this question in high school (if your mother, child, and spouse were drowning, who would you save?), and he said he’d save his mother over his child and his wife.”
“His argument was, ‘You can have another child and spouse, but only one mother.’ Our class argued with him for the rest of the period that the child should come first.”
“I remember telling mom about it that night, and she told me that if I saved her over my child, she’d be so p**sed at me.” – New-Host1784
“I’m 62, not a grandmother ye,t but my son and his wife are planning to have kids. I’d save my adult kids, including my daughter-in-law, over everyone. If there were grandchildren, I’d save the grandchildren first.”
“Children are the most helpless, so the most in need of saving. My kids are the future, and my grandkids will be the future.”
“In general, I think all of the family would save kids first, so my sister’s grandchildren would be saved if at all possible, and my cousin’s children would be saved if at all possible. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be saved before the kids.” – BlazingSunflowerland
“We had a question in college come up during sociology, but it wasn’t about saving anyone’s life, it was just who comes first.”
“We were taught the bond between spouses should be the strongest because if you do your job right, the idea is the child will grow up and build a life on their own. The spouse should be with you for the rest of your life.”
“But then again, the only one in my family growing up mum ever loved was the dog (as she constantly told me), and I don’t have kids, so what do I know. Pretty sure I’d pick the toaster over my mother though!” – Petrichor_ness
“Why the h**l is his own child not first?? Ugh.”
“I’m in my 40s, and I’ve come to believe something absolutely, through not just my own relationships but those of other people. One partner nearly always loves the other more. And if that’s the woman, odds are you’ll have a crappy relationship. I know not everyone will agree, but that’s my experience.”
“Your husband was lukewarm at first while you fell head over heels. That’s a pretty big power imbalance, and it probably still exists, at least in part, today. Because only a mummy’s boy and/or a pretty indifferent husband puts his mum before his wife. Only an a**hole puts his mum before his child. What the f**k?!”
“I couldn’t be with someone like this. I wouldn’t want to be. You chose him, but you don’t have to keep on choosing him. That’s up to you.” – FutureRoll9310
Others urged the OP to advocate for herself and start over.
“I’d hate to be that guy’s wife. Ugh. That woman, if she even exists, is probably a full-time fixture on the ‘justnoMIL’ subReddit.”
“Why do so many men fail to realize that ‘forsaking all others’ means their wife comes before everyone else (except kids, I suppose), including mommy, too? It’s not just about cheating!”
“To be fair, it’s also heavily the mom’s fault, but a man needs to realize that if his mom won’t cut the cord, he has to do it for her.” – GoblinKing79
“NTA, and notice that his go-to response to you is to blame you. No apology. And if he does try to apologize, remember that ‘I’m sorry you got upset’ isn’t an apology, but I don’t think I’d give him another chance if this were me.” – UndebateableMom
“NTA. If he’s telling you you’re overreacting and taking it too far instead of apologizing his a** off and trying to make it up to you, then you’re moving in the right direction.”
“He’s not afraid of losing you; he’s just annoyed by the convenience this will cause him. Go!”
“Everybody says f**ked up s**t every now and then, and comments on viral hypotheticals tend not to bring out the most vetted thoughts.”
“But when a partner finds out that something they did hurt you, it is not normal or healthy that they go straight for the ‘You’re too sensitive,’ and ‘It was just a joke’ explanations while completely dismissing how they made you feel.”
“That’s the dealbreaker, not the screwed up priority list.” – loptr
“I would divorce a man who says that about me. Mum loves you because it’s your mum, and kids love you because you are their parent, but your spouse loves you for who you are, and for that, they have chosen you.” – SayuriKitsune
“She did say that he had no feelings for her, and it developed over time. He settled for her. Probably no one else liked him, because he’s always been a mama’s boy?”
“The point is, she loved him to start with. He did not love her in the beginning and probably still doesn’t, but likes her enough to settle with her.”
“This is blunt, but very true in many long-term relationships that start out this way. ‘Liked enough to settle’ is scarily common and, in my opinion, why a lot of relationships end in disastrous affairs later down the line. It’s enough to keep someone with lower morals content, until it’s not.”
“OP has to make the decision if she wants to stay/risk a relationship that started one-sided and still seems a bit more one-sided.” – KoolaidKoll123
“Well… If you are so replaceable, he should be okay with you exploring your replacement options, too, right?”
“NTA.” – CozyBvnnies
While the subReddit could understand how a wife might not come first in that hypothetical scenario since children need to be protected, they found it alarming that the husband had ranked his wife the lowest and as “replaceable” in the scenario.
It was clear to the OP’s fellow Redditors that her husband’s original “warming up” to her had come back to haunt her in the form of indifference and a lack of commitment.
If he saw her as so replaceable, there was no telling when his indifference would escalate to the point of an affair or divorcing out of boredom.
It was better for the OP to see her own value now and make a change for herself.