It’s fair enough for a bride to be particular when it comes to her wedding.
After all, it is her special day, and as such the day should run and look exactly as she wants it to.
However, chances are some of her decisions and desires might not sit terribly well with all their guests or their wedding party.
Even if some brides still ignore or willfully deny any chance at compromise.
Redditor IncidentCorrect3352 was initially looking forward to being a bridesmaid in her brother’s wedding.
She started to grow less and less excited, however, when her brother’s fiancée was starting to get more and more demanding.
Particularly in an area where the original poster (OP) was very hesitant to compromise.
Leading to her departure from the bridal party.
After receiving considerable criticism from her family for her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to wear a wig in my brother’s wedding?”
The OP explained how her refusal to wear a wig eventually made her unwelcome at her brother’s wedding:
“I (23 F) have decided not to wear a wig in my brother’s wedding.”
“When he proposed, I was thrilled.”
“I cheered them on from my dorm room.”
“But this wedding has stressed everyone out, and for me, it’s come to a breaking point.”
“At the first bridal event, the bride handed out ‘experience packages’ for her bridesmaids up to $3,000, including a destination trip.”
“I’m a recent college grad with an entry-level salary.”
“We discussed hairstyles.”
“The bridal party agreed on updos, given the humidity.”
“Months later, the bride texts me that she changed the style and wants me to wear wig.”
“I had recently done a big chop and dyed my natural hair, a major milestone for me.”
“I asked if braids were okay.”
“She said no, followed by texts about ‘uniformity’.”
“I asked her to send wig details.”
“She didn’t for months.”
“After her bridal shower, she asked if I’d bought a wig, told me the stylist cost, and when I didn’t respond fast enough, she still signed a contract with the stylist.”
“I tried to compromise.”
“I’d install the wig myself and have the stylist style it.”
“She said no, her stylist wouldn’t work behind anyone else’s install.”
“I said I was uncomfortable with both the price and process.”
“She replied: ‘Because you cut and dyed your hair, there are now extra costs for uniformity’.”
“’Okay’.”
“In therapy, I shared how I’ve often felt like the family scapegoat.”
“My boundaries = defiance.”
“My therapist said: “’When people get used to you performing, they raise the bar every time’.”
“My gut said: I’m not wearing the wig.”
“I explained this to my parents.”
“My mom called me selfish.”
“My dad said, “’You were a child’. You couldn’t say no’ then added, ‘If the bride doesn’t get what she wants, you’re out of the wedding party’.”
“I texted the bride.”
“She respected my decision, but I could ‘support from the crowd’.”
“I responded: ‘What stings is being told I can only stay if I change everything about how I show up’.”
“That’s not unity’.”
“‘That’s control’.”
“I love you, but won’t disappear’.”
“She forwarded it to my family.”
“She’s been very controlling.”
“Others have clashed with her and her maid of honor dropped out.”
“My brother says she talks negatively about our family.”
“When I brought that up, my dad shouted that no one’s on my side and blamed my mental health.”
“I was told I shouldn’t attend the wedding at all.”
“My brother said he didn’t care if I was in the wedding party, which lifted some guilt.”
“I told him I’ll still show up as myself.”
“The bride finally sent a message saying I was condescending, my choice was last-minute, she’s the center of this new chapter, the Bible says the wife comes first, and I ‘kicked myself out’.”
“I responded with truth: I’d expressed discomfort early on.”
“My words weren’t cruel, they were clarifying.”
“I shared scripture (Ephesians 5).”
“Respect goes both ways.”
“I respect their marriage, but I respect myself more.”
“She sent it to my brother.”
“He texted me: ‘I love you, but she comes first’.”
“‘If you can’t fall in line, you’re out’.”
“‘No more discussion’.”
“AITA for refusing to wear a wig and standing in my truth?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to wear a wig at her brother’s wedding.
Everyone agreed that the fiancée of the OP’s brother was treating her like a doll and not as a human being. Based on how the rest of her family was behaving, it was likely all for the best that she wasn’t going to be part of the wedding:
“NTA.”
“Bridesmaids aren’t your personal ornaments to your wedding.”
“They should be there because they are important people in your life and not because they are the best decoration for your photos.”
“It’s no surprise other bridesmaids are dropping.”
“Personally I would have not agreed to a wig at all, so the fact you’ve already tried to compromise on this is above and beyond what I think should be expected anyway.”- That1WithTheFace
“These people all sound sh*tty & you deserve better.”
“NTA.”
“Continue with therapy & uninvite yourself from the wedding so you can focus on what & who matters most to you, starting with yourself.”- BoysenberryPicker
“NTA.”
“You’re not a doll, you’re a person.”
“The people chosen to be a member of a bridal party or groomsmen should be chosen because of the person they are and what they mean to the couple, not treated as ornaments who are only there out of obligation or bullying.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong OP.”
“The way you’ve defended yourself is super-humanly calm, measured, and self-assured.”
“You know you’re not the AH.”
“The only reason people are giving you sheet is because they’re having to deal with this bride’s BS in the fallout and want you to just comply so they can be rid of her sheet.”- jmking
“I hate how insanely irrational some girls get with weddings.”
“We all have a perfect idea of what we want the special day to look like; some girls remain human and accept that some needs cannot be met, while others become drunk with power and want to punish anyone who dares to disappoint them.”
“You’re NTA, but unfortunately, thanks to how much society values weddings, the level of money and effort you put into to your attendance is a reflection of how much you respect your SIL & brother, whether or not she’s being rational.”- misses_unicorn
“Uniformity, huh?”
“So she doesn’t actually care about people as individuals, they’re only decorations?”
“Yeah, no, I’d stay well clear of people like her.”
“Not sure how you’ve managed to assemble such an array of AH as family, but I’d limit contact with the lot of them.”
“NTA, obviously.”- gromitrules
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood with her, her family, and her involvement in her brother’s wedding:
“Hi, everyone!”
“First, I just want to thank you all for your comments, insights, and support!”
“This has been such a wild and isolating experience, and it’s helped more than you know.”
“I’m currently in a different state from my family but will be returning tomorrow.”
“I got my hair done yesterday.”
“A sew-in at a salon I have history with.”
“It was a last-minute appointment, so the color turned out a bit louder than expected, but it’s cute and professionally styled.”
“Recently, the bride mentioned that colored hair was acceptable as long as it was in a ponytail.”
“So I did just that.”
“It fits me and I was glad that I invested in the style.”
“Along with photos of my hair, I sent a message to my family and the bride.”
“It was sincere and calm.”
“I expressed that I wasn’t trying to make this wedding about me, that being given an ultimatum over my own body felt frightening, and that I’ve never had an issue with the bride personally.”
“But she doesn’t get to control what goes on my head, especially if she isn’t open to compromises or helping financially.”
“My brother replied: ‘You have eliminated your chance for recourse with how you have acted with everything’.”
“You’re out’.”
“That’s final’.”
“I replied: ‘Okay’.”
“I’ve been focused on taking care of my mental health and processing things in a way that’s healthy for me.”
“But when I called my mom tonight and asked about the wedding, she said the same things I’ve been hearing: that I’m being dramatic, trying to mess up the day, and that I’ll ‘make a big scene’.”
“She and my dad seem to be trying to ‘stand up’ to me now, likely because they know how it might look if I’m not in the wedding.”
“But it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a genuineness.”
“It feels performative.”
“Some commenters asked if I had a relationship with the bride.”
“I believe I’ve tried.”
“I even opened up to her about a painful situation from college, something deeply personal and shaming.”
“I was hoping for understanding or at least compassion.”
“But tonight, my mom told me the bride is now uncomfortable having me at the wedding because of that vulnerability.”
“Some people have said that my message to her when she kicked me out made it seem like I dragged this out.”
“Maybe I did.”
“But for me, marriage is deeply sacred.”
“My parents have been married for almost 40 years, grandparents close to 70 years.”
“And that legacy means something to me.”
“I want to be married someday too, not just to have a wedding, but to build something real, lasting, and rooted in love.”
“That’s why I’ve given so many chances.”
“That’s why I’ve tried so hard to show up, even when I’ve felt pushed aside.”
“Because I cherish family.”
“And I wanted to believe they cherished me too.”
It’s not unreasonable for a bride to be picky when it comes to her wedding.
However, seeing as this bride’s maid of honor was also driven to back out of this wedding, it’s a little surprising how firmly the OP’s family took her side and not their own sister and daughter’s.
Leaving one to wonder if she might consider herself lucky for missing this wedding.