College classes can be a hotbed of cultural and social issues.
Everyone's emotions seem to be running high.
And some professors still don't always say the right thing.
So some students have to deal with navigating the correct way to correct the teacher.
Redditor trickledownx wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for walking out of my lecture because the professor mocked a topic related to my culture?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I'm 19 and a first-year university student."
"Last week in my anthropology class, the professor was lecturing on different belief systems and made a joke about ancestor veneration, saying it was like having dead relatives watching you like spiritual Netflix."
"Most of the class laughed, but I was silently stoned because I don't think it's funny at all."
"I'm half Japanese, and in my family, honoring ancestors is something taken seriously."
"We visit graves, make offerings, and participate in traditions like Obon."
"It's something I grew up with, and hearing it reduced to a joke made me really uncomfortable."
"I didn't make a scene and just quietly left after that and later on, the professor emailed me saying my behavior was disruptive and I should've brought concerns to office hours."
"I responded, explaining my perspective, but now I'm wondering if I overreacted."
"Some classmates support me. Others say I'm too sensitive."
"I wasn't trying to be dramatic."
'I just didn't feel respected, you know."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - your professor emailed you to get on documented record that 'you were disruptive' - respond directly to the professor and cc the department head, TA, Dean of the University, and if you can, bcc your external email and your parents' emails."
"Explain that you found his 'joke' to be prejudiced and dismissive, that he spoke to x number of students having no knowledge of who in his class may be of a cultural background he found appropriate to mock."
"Say the exact joke he said, and say that in response, to not stay and listen to any more 'jokes' he might make at you and your culture's expense."
"You decided to quietly leave early rather than actually disrupt the class, and while you planned to leave it at that, you're concerned that he felt your quietly walking out was 'disruptive,' and how should you handle future instances if you encounter a professor using your culture as fodder for prejudiced humor?"
"This professor KNOWS he messed up and is trying to flip it back on you, the student, before you escalate to someone who can correct him for his actions."
"In doing so, he's opened you up to docked points on your final grade."
"Instead, since he's documenting your 'disruptiveness' - document his prejudice, and make sure everyone who needs to see it sees it."
"And that they are aware you now have a formal issue with a professor so that if there's any kind of retaliatory action, there's a pre-existing record of it."~ redlips_rosycheeks
"100% this. Prof is trying to cover his a**."
"There are so many ways he could have handled that better - all of them including a discussion and apology most likely - but he's trying to turn it around on you."
"I'd think a decent professor probably wouldn't have made that joke in the first place, and a good one might well have been very glad to have someone from one of the cultures in question present to potentially offer some perspective on that matter."
"This dude is neither." ~ AdEmbarrassed9719
"Cultural relativism and micro-aggressions are some of the FIRST things nearly ALL of my culture-based classes talk about, no matter when in my schooling career the class was taken or what level it was."
"I'm proud of the anthropology degree I am about to graduate with next week, and people like this teacher are the reason many don't take this field seriously or still view anthropology as the race-based field it started as."
"Modern anthropology is trying so, so hard to move away from ethnocentric thoughts and insensitive reactions; shame on this teacher, and please, follow all this right here, OP."
"This teacher is out of line, and if this is their field, they should be ashamed of themselves. NTA." ~ maddidarlingg
"NTA - walking out silently is in no way disruptive (and there are many reasons to do that in a lecture, your lecturer needs to grow a thicker skin if he gets upset every time a woman silently leaves a lecture)."
"Raising it during office hours (after his tantrum) was exactly what you did."
"Also, an anthropology lecturer should know better than to mock other cultures."
"I'd be making a complaint about this, especially after the way he dealt with your concern." ~ pintsizedblonde2
"Right? Every single professor I've had has told us at the beginning of the semester that we're all adults now and if we need to get up and leave to go to the restroom, make a call, just stretch our damn legs, just go and do so quietly."
"She could have been leaving for any reason, but the professor knows he f**ked up. OP is NTA." ~ lastdickontheleft
"There may be some language or cultural differences here, but I fail to see disrespect in his comment."
"Describing a belief system that ancestors are watching their descendants by using a simile such as 'Like watching spiritual Netflix' isn't disrespectful in and of itself."
"So many people in here are so quick to be offended and demand apologies."
"There's nothing wrong with walking out of a lecture, though. So NTA." ~ muddlebrainedmedic
"Honestly, this is close to how I felt."
"He's trying to engage with the class and making a joke."
"Jokes belong to specific times and audiences and OP found it offensive."
"OP probably never was the butt of coarse humor before— and it can be a little shocking if you've had the good fortune to not be at the receiving end."
"Nothing OP did sounds like it should be disruptive or disrespectful."
"Teacher should have asked for further dialogue, and corrected his behavior, or invited OP to explain his topic properly."
"Sounds like toxic academia, wherein big egos trip up actual learning." ~ Adlerian_Dreams
"Right?"
"I completely understood why OP might have gotten offended, but I don't think their professor's joke was inherently offensive."
"He's just explaining it in a humorous way, but it is not a value judgment on the practice itself."
"Humor doesn't always translate, and I feel this is more a cultural misunderstanding on OP's part."
"With that said, quietly walking out of a lecture isn't a big deal, and I'm sure it happens quite frequently for various reasons."
"NTA, and likely none to be found at all." ~ elitegenoside
"NTA for walking out, for sure, and I agree that while OP is NTA for being offended at the joke, I do feel they're being overly sensitive. Just My Opinion."
"We all have traditions, hobbies, interests, and different religions. Imagine the tightrope walk to make your lesson fun and engaging whilst constantly worrying about who is going to be offended today by an innocuous remark."
"Fair enough if this happened in Japan, but I wouldn't expect a professor in some random country to be aware of the specific cultural traditions of every person from every country." ~ things_U_choose_2_b
"Professor here."
"Your instructor is completely out of line, and if you don't get an apology from him, I suggest you forward your correspondence and your concerns about his behavior to his department chair."
"If he is the chair, forward to the dean. NTA." ~ MadameAllura
"I want to say NTA because of how this is written, but I also struggle to see how your professor would have thought or known to email you if all you did was quietly leave."
"It's really common for college students to need to step out for a number of reasons, it feels like details are missing here." ~ Alternative-Web-2522
"NAH. The professor did nothing wrong if we are being honest."
"The joke didn't land with you, but it seems like it did with everyone else."
"It's pretty common to make comparisons like that while teaching as well."
"You are being sensitive, but there is nothing wrong with that either."
"You left as respectfully as possible."
"Overall nonissue." ~ CD_ABC10
"You're being very sensitive honestly."
"He didn't say it was nonsense and anyone that believes it is dumb, he made a joke relating it to a more familiar topic... you can get up and leave and he can claim that you doing it was disruptive."
"But to escalate such a tame joke would be wild. NAH." ~ HoloClayton
"NAH if you're being truthful, but the professor's email about you being disruptive seems to hint you did more than just leave."
"You're allowed to be offended and leaving isn't disruptive, but also people are allowed to mock religion."
"The joke he made was not particularly offensive, it was lighthearted, the other posters are being absolutely ridiculous claiming he emailed you to cover his a**e because this comment would absolutely not lead to disciplinary... lol." ~ Popular_Language_251
"NTA, but it does sound like you are too sensitive. I don't think that the joke mocked or denigrated the practice, at least as you've summarized it."
"Perhaps the tone or delivery made it seem disrespectful?"
"From your summary, it tried to relate the practice to something the rest of the class could understand."
"Also, I don't think religious views deserve any kind of special protection from criticism or mockery or comments."
"Feel free to believe or practice what you want, but don't expect others to change their behaviors or lives for you."
"That said, your professor is definitely trying to manipulate the situation with that email that calls your behavior 'disruptive.'"
"Leaving the class silently is not disruptive."
"You should take a lot of the excellent advice you've been given on how to handle that inaccurate email." ~ fishling
Reddit supports you, OP.
It sounds like your professor (though without malicious intent) stepped over a line.
There are ways to fix this situation.
It may be time to bring it to the higher-ups.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp