Introverts get a bad rap in a lot of social settings, from school to the workplace to interpersonal relationships.
There are tons of books and programs designed to force introverts “out of their shell” as if there’s something inherently wrong with them.
Where are all the books or classes telling extroverts to sit down, shut up, and leave everyone the Hell alone?
An introvert who wants to enroll their boss in that class turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sensitive-Prior-3192 asked:
“AITA for not eating my birthday cake?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m an introverted person and today is my birthday. I work in healthcare leadership and when a department head has a birthday, the administrator usually gets them a cake so that everyone in her office can sing Happy Birthday to them.”
“I’ve been at this job 3 years, and on the first year the administrator asked me what my favorite type of cake is. I told her the truth—I said I’m not a big cake-eater, and I’d rather my birthday be kept low-key as I didn’t want all of the fanfare.”
“She must’ve thought I was just being modest (and she has a tendency to put her wants before anyone else’s), so she got me a cake anyway and had everyone sing Happy Birthday to me as she’d do with anyone else.”
“I took a few bites of cake and made small-talk to be polite, but deep down I was pretty bothered that she disregarded what I had said to her. The next year passed and she asked me what cake I wanted again.”
“Each time I insisted that I truly don’t want a cake and that I don’t want anyone singing Happy Birthday to me. It actually stuck and she respected my wishes.”
“Fast forward to the beginning of the week and she pulls the same routine. She asks me what cake I want, I tell her don’t get me a cake. She then asks if I want pizza or food instead, to which I declined.”
“My colleague at work asked me if I wanted a cake or anything else this morning, and I confirmed that I didn’t and that I wanted to treat the day as any other.”
“I come back from lunch and one of the employees from our Admissions office tells me to come on over so I can help her review a document. When I go into their office all of the higher-ups are in there and there’s a cake on the table with lit candles.”
“They start singing Happy Birthday to me, but now I’m honestly pissed. I’d made it abundantly clear that this was exactly what I didn’t want and they decided to do it anyway.”
“They handed me a piece of cake, to which I initially said I wasn’t hungry (which was true considering I just ate a pretty big lunch), but thanked them anyway. The administrator’s assistant told me I was ‘ungrateful’ for the administrator’s nice gesture and that I should take a few bites.”
“I took a tiny scoop of the icing to taste, but otherwise didn’t touch the cake and made a quick exit back to my office so I could throw it in the garbage.”
“I feel kind of silly about the whole thing, but there’s an underlying theme of the administrator not taking my requests seriously. I’m kind of sick of it and the lackeys that reinforce her disregard for my feelings.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I turned down a piece of birthday cake on my birthday.”
“I had explicitly requested no cake or fanfare, but my boss disregarded my wishes and tricked me into having my coworkers sing Happy Birthday and do a cake-cutting for me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, but the cake/free food is also for others which is probably part of why others are being pushy about it. They want free food.”
“You can request again, but say ‘please don’t sing to me for my birthday. But please put doughnuts/cake/pizza in the break room.’ You can say you appreciate the acknowledgement, but would prefer it’s more causal.”
“Like if people say happy birthday in passing instead of the whole song. Many of my coworkers don’t like to be singled out, but they don’t mind if overall we all get it. We hardly get appreciated with a good job.” ~ Disastrous_Bison_910
“Yeah, you may not want cake but it’s probably a free cake on the company so everyone else is enjoying ‘your birthday’. I’m sure if you email and say to skip the hoopla but please let everyone enjoy the cake they’ll respect your wishes.” ~ BlondDee1970
“My previous job did cake on people’s birthdays. And while I personally would prefer no one even knew when my birthday was, I always appreciated the free food. And every month I hoped it would be someone’s birthday so we could do cake or whatever they decided to do.” ~ TheOpinionIShare
“NTA. The thing you must realize though is that in an office setting your birthday is more about everyone else getting to have cake or pizza or whatever.”
“I’m the same way as you and I just told them the cake is fine, but I don’t want people singing happy birthday to me and they were okay with it. They got their sweet treat and I didn’t have to sit there while people sang.” ~ HugeInTheShire
“NTA, but you might be more successful in getting them to stop if you suggest something they can do instead. When you just say no without offering an alternative, that puts them in a tough place.”
“They do cakes for everyone else’s birthday, so it would look weird to leave you out and do nothing for you. Furthermore, most people in the office enjoy being given a treat and you saying no takes away an opportunity to give them all a morale-boosting treat.”
“So next time, suggest something. Maybe a ‘dress down day’ for everyone on the team for your birthday? Chips and salsa instead of cake? Surely you can think of something.” ~ Flownique
“NTA. In a couple weeks just ask HR to please remove your birthday from whatever form they use. I never like celebrating my birthday at work, I’d rather a small lunch my family any day than be reminded I’m now older and at work. Started a new job last year, have not told anyone my birthday, best decision ever.” ~ oktherefriend
“NTA. You repeatedly told them you didn’t want cake because you’re not a cake person and you didn’t want them to sing happy birthday to you. They listened once but that was it.” ~ RaineMist
“I’m an introvert. I’m kinda on the extreme end of introversion. I hate being the center of attention. I get exhausted from my work interactions to the point that I don’t have much of a social life outside of work.”
“I totally get that you don’t want to be the center of attention. Unfortunately, you work with other people. Office birthdays are a big part of office culture that is taken seriously, not that I agree with that—it’s just how it is.”
“If you’re going to work with other people and have good working relationships, you have to find a compromise. A lot of good compromises have been suggested. Just ask for a cake or pizza and no song or take the day off.” ~ DrippingWithRabies
“If I were you, I would get ahead of it next year and before anyone asks, I would explain to your administrator that you really would prefer to not have a cake or be celebrated. That it is uncomfortable for you and you would like them to respect your feelings. Make a point of it. That should do it.” ~ EmptyWriting3027
“I hate that crap. Fortunately my last employer asked staff to opt-in to birthday wooha, and I opted out hard.”
“They never bothered me with the phony celebration of a bunch of people who barely know my name singing happy birthday so they can get a sugar fix.”
“I’m happy to sing for other people who like that sort of thing, but I cannot stand being the recipient of the dubious honor and I don’t need supermarket birthday cake.” ~ Significant_Ruin4870
Although some felt the almighty sugar rush was far more important than consent.
“I would also prefer my birthday not be celebrated at work. However, they may be worried that if they agree to not celebrate your birthday, and do celebrate everyone else’s, that there could be a perception of treating you badly from other people.”
“People would wonder and even gossip about why your birthday was ignored. They probably wouldn’t assume you didn’t ask for it to be celebrated.”
“If you don’t like cake, and there is something else you like better, ask for that. Otherwise, part of just professionalism in the office is just going to these birthday parties, accepting a piece of cake, chatting for a few minutes, and that’s it.”
“You acted really unprofessionally. I know it’s weird to think that cake on a birthday is part of professionalism, but it is. It’s one of those cultural niceties that you have to just endure, even if you know they are stupid, like chatting about the weather, and asking about someone’s weekend.”
“Introversion is fine, but it’s not an excuse to be cold and unfriendly at work.”
“The administrator isn’t ignoring your request. She asked WHAT KIND of cake you want, not whether you wanted to be celebrated at all. The kind of cake (or other thing) is what she has the option on.”
“Again, I think she really was not in a position to agree to not celebrate it at all. It would cause too many issues if people didn’t know you had requested it. YTA.” ~ sweadle
But not everyone was so ill-informed and let Redditors like “sweadle” know it.
“Idiots like you are why people on the autism spectrum have trouble getting jobs.”
“You’re hired to perform the tasks of your job. Forcing social interactions on employees is the discrimination, not opting out of it, you nonce.”
“In your world, everyone has to do the Christmas exchanges too, right? Because it’s fun! F*ck their religion!”
“People also don’t celebrate birthdays because of their religion, or childhood trauma, or social anxiety, or sensory sensitivity, etc… Those people can’t be forced to do it because a bunch of numpties like you demand a f*cking cake.”
“Having a NON-JOB related social activity forced on an employee against their wishes is grounds for disciplinary action, dismissal, and/or a lawsuit. Anyone who doesn’t know that should probably shut their cake hole when it comes to handing out advice on the internet.” ~ DaisyDayDo
Being made to feel uncomfortable in your workplace is actually prohibited by labor laws in many countries.
It doesn’t matter what the intentions are. No means no and that needs to be respected.