Content Warning: Cheating and Affairs, Sexually-Transmitted Diseases (STDs), and Infertility
It’s bad enough when a person loses their partner because their partner cheats on them.
But it’s worse when they stay with their affair partner and leave behind a “gift” that no one wants, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EducationalSurvey262 had been cheated on by her husband of ten years and watched him move on with his mistress, but not before realizing that she could no longer have children because of something he had shared with her.
When she realized that her ex’s mistress also had the same problem because of him and couldn’t have children, the Original Poster (OP) showed them no sympathy and refused to revisit their custody arrangement just to let the other couple “fulfill their parenting dreams.”
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my cheating ex-husband that I will never feel bad for him and I will never ‘help him make this better’?”
The OP had to put her life back together after her husband left her for an affair partner.
“I (46 Female) was married to my ex-husband John (48 Male) for a decade when I found out he had cheated multiple times with multiple women, one of whom became a fully fledged affair.”
“We had three young kids at the time.”
“How I found out was I started suffering some concerning symptoms, went to the doctor, and some tests were run, and it was discovered I had gonorrhea, which had caused pelvic inflammatory disorder.”
“The whole thing was devastating, and John didn’t even pretend he was concerned about me, but he was concerned about his affair partner, Cathy.”
“The two of them married after the divorce, and I had to pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences of John’s cheating and his lasting gift, which left me unable to have more children with anyone else, and help my kids deal with the divorce.”
“All while I had to be civil in front of the kids, which killed me. I had minimal contact with John and Cathy. I refused to speak to either unless I had to. A few times, they attempted additional contact with the aim of us being friends, but I shot that down, and I told the two of them to rot in hell.”
The OP noticed that her children slowly grew apart from their dad.
“The kids had a good relationship with their dad until a few years ago.”
“But John and Cathy were unable to have children together. I believe she had miscarriages and stillbirths, and my kids felt there was pressure on them to gather around them and love Cathy so she’d still feel like a mother.”
“But none of them had a close relationship with her, and they felt like their dad was manipulative about it, so they started going to his house less and faded away.”
“My youngest graduated in May and didn’t invite John or Cathy to their graduation ceremony or party. There were discussions about it, but ultimately, he decided he would prefer to focus on his achievement and not the drama.”
The OP’s ex-husband pressured her to make her kids reconnect with him and his new wife.
“John attempted to get me to force my youngest’s hand, and he tried to throw a pity party about their losses, and Cathy’s love for the kids, and her losing the chance to be a mother.”
“I would guess that his cheating was the cause of her fertility issues, too. I know I was left unable to conceive again after him. I was just lucky to have three kids before he went around spreading that STD like he did.”
“I blocked him after several text messages about this.”
“Now I’ve had him at my house trying to make me feel bad for him and Cathy by talking about all the losses and asking me to help him make this better.”
“To him, it means he wants the kids back in his and Cathy’s lives and for me to encourage them to love both of them and to let them, but especially Cathy, feel like she won’t miss out on all the motherly experiences. He wanted me to treat her like their other mother and present as a team so that when weddings and babies come along, she’ll be included and equal in all of it.”
The OP was not interested in her ex’s demands.
“I had no patience for his request, and even though he was already upset talking about the losses, I was not kind when I told him to get away from my house and from me.”
“I told him I will never feel bad for him and that his pity party and attempt to make me responsible for their happiness after the way he treated me was outrageous.”
“I told him he caused all of this, and he can fix it, but he doesn’t deserve a single ounce of kindness or compassion from me after his actions in our marriage.”
“He tried to argue, but I closed my front door, and he left after that.”
The OP’s former sister-in-law lashed out at her for how she handled the situation.
“I was on good terms with John’s sister after everything went down, but once she heard about our interaction at my house, she turned on me.”
“She told me she understands me hating them, but John has been broken up about all the losses they have endured, and I could have been a little kinder. And that I should want my kids to have John and Cathy in their lives. That I should be able to see it would be better for them and future grandkids.”
“John’s sister told me that my kids are still young enough to need my influence. And that John might have pushed Cathy on them too much, but cutting him out of their lives was too extreme for the action. That I should be correcting it because the kids love and trust me.”
“However, I want them to keep loving and trusting me, which means supporting them.”
“I told her I owed the two of them nothing and did not wish for their happiness.”
“She always said he was trash for what he did. But that only goes so far with her, I suppose. As soon as I lacked sympathy for him, it changed things.”
“She told me I had proven to be spiteful and hurt her brother when our divorce happened more than a decade ago now, and it’s truly in the past.”
The OP felt conflicted after that conversation.
“I’m disappointed that the relationship between us broke down, but I feel like it was possibly naive to think it would always survive what happened because John’s her brother first.”
“I do value her opinion, or did before this. I disagree with what she said, but I also feel like I shouldn’t dismiss it without seeking others’ opinions when I have always valued what she says before. Even though I believe this is just a loyalty thing at the end of it all.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was right not to fix her ex’s problems for him.
“NTA. He just wants you to fix his failings because he can’t be bothered to do it himself. You’re not his wife, so that’s not your problem.”
“And tell his sissy to f**k off. You don’t owe either of them a d**n thing.” – redditlurker1981
“I really hate that SIL, a lot. Speculating but from OP’s writing, I feel like the SIL judgment landed harder on her than John’s self-pitying bulls**t.”
“OP, John’s sister is wrong, dead wrong. And if it happened to her, would she get over it, forgive and make a happy family with the man who gave her a disease and his new wife?”
“Of course not. They want you to shut up and make his life better so they don’t have to listen to it.”
“You are well within your rights, and she is totally off-base. I’d cut contact with her; you don’t need someone who is not on your side judging your choices and behavior.”
“NTA, in any particular.” – PerniciousVim
“NTA, especially when it feels like John and Cathy are only forcing the issue because they weren’t able to replace his existing children with new babies of their own.”
“If it weren’t for ‘the losses,’ would they even be trying to be involved in the adult children’s lives? I don’t think so.” – Booplesnoot88
“If John’s new wife had been able to make babies, I bet you anything he would have abandoned his existing children extremely quickly and focused on his new family.”
“What’s so shocking about the story isn’t necessarily John’s behavior because I can accept that narcissists exist; the thing that kills me is people who defend these egregious actions.”
“It’s absolutely insane that the sister thinks John’s ex-wife, who he gave a dangerous venereal disease that can and probably has cause her health complications for the rest of her life, and who completely destroyed the marriage by serial cheating, thinks you can force teenagers and adult children to have a loving relationship with the people who were attempting to replace them and who actively harmed their mother.”
“The Johns of this world are pieces of s**t, but they exist because of all of the enabling, and I’m really proud of OP for so clearly articulating she won’t have him in her life and standing her ground.” – thinksmartspeakloud
“I have a feeling John’s sister will be low-key texting OP soon enough, b***hing about John once she gets fed up with his ‘poor me, boo hoo’ act.”
“The worst part is she’ll never admit OP was right even when she’s griping about the same things she told OP she is wrong to get upset about.” – Boxer03
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP’s kids were old enough to decide for themselves.
“OP’s kids are old enough and making their own decisions! Even if they were married, and they were somehow ‘on the same team,’ OP’s kids have made a decision. They don’t want to deal with their cheating dad and his wife.”
“Most kids are just not going to feel warmth towards a woman who they feel contributed to breaking up their family. Most of my (now adult) friends have had a difficult time maintaining a long term relationship with the parent who cheated.”
“Add to this, the dad and his wife want to do the whole ‘we’re all a big family’ thing, which is totally hokey unless everyone is actually feeling it.” – madmaxtacoeater
“There are so many stories on this sub and others about how it goes poorly when stepparents try to force a close relationship. Especially since ‘a few years ago’ means OP’s youngest kid was already in his teens, and I don’t know a single teenager who responds well to being pressured into a relationship.”
“Even without the cheating, the kids would have become alienated from John and Cathy through their own doing. If OP tried to stand up for him, they would likely be upset at her, too.” – ConstructionNo9678
“Auntie should be worried about her relationships with these grown kids, too, as they are not going to take kindly to her attempts to manipulate them any more than they did when their dad tried it.”
“If those grandkids do come along, the kids will decide who they want in their children’s lives, and this behaviour from auntie, dad and cathy is going to make those decisions a lot easier.” – Beth21286
“NTA. Just block Auntie now and get it over with. Sit down with the kids and tell them they are responsible for their level of engagement with Dad and his homewrecker, as well as his sister and other relatives.”
“Dad’s Wife probably had gonorrhea, too, and it can be a cause of infertility. Whether she gave it to the OP’s ex, who then gave it to the OP, or if OP’s ex was getting around more than anyone knew, it’s all karma.” – anonanon-do-do-do
“He didn’t thought one second about his kids or the consequences that were to come with his affair when he was busy sticking his d**k somewhere else. He don’t get to come back crying and asking for help now because he is facing the consequences of his selfishness and poor choices.”
“It’s always so funny to me how cheaters think that they’re cheating only stop at the spouse when they actually ALSO cheat on their kids. The ex-husband ruined his relationship with his children and his life alone.”
“As for the ex-SIL, she can f**k off; I bet she wouldn’t be having the same discourse if she were the one in OP’s shoes. It’s always easier to give unsolicited opinions and advice when they aren’t the one going through the s**tty situation.” – Tall_Hospital1071
“He doesn’t want to be known as the cheater whose kids hate him. If OP fixes this, it fixes his image.”
“He could be like, ‘I did cheat, yes. But I met the love of my life and married her. I’m a changed man now. There was a rocky patch with the kids for a while, but my ex fixed it. My. Ex. Wife. Even she forgave me, see? If she doesn’t hate me, you shouldn’t either.'”
“It’s all about the image. It’s not even about his kids.” – poignantname
The subReddit would not deny that infertility was heartbreaking, and they wouldn’t directly wish it on anyone, but it did seem that it was entirely the ex-husband’s fault for cheating, sleeping around, and causing the two primary women in his life to not be able to have children in the future.
If the ex-husband had wanted a relationship with his children from his marriage with OP, he should have ended the marriage before moving on with another partner. Maybe then he could have everything he wanted with Cathy without losing his relationship with his children.