When a stepparent comes into a child’s life, they can either become like another parent or an adversary. Just because one of their parents likes this person, it doesn’t mean they’ll get along with them.
An adult child turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over their strained relationship with their stepmother.
Beneficial-Ease2550 asked:
“AITA for telling my stepmother she can’t come to my son’s birthday?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Background: my mom died when I was 10 (I’m 35 now). My father’s been with this woman ever since (potentially before my mom died, but that’s another story).”
“We hadn’t gotten along until I moved away for college, when I came to understand that my father needs someone in his life, and he’s better off with her. She’s highly educated. She has a daughter who’s 30. I have a sister who’s 41.”
“My son is 4. She’s been trying to get attention from him, buying sh*tty gifts that we don’t allow (like candy, shiny, loud plastic toys, etc…) even though we explicitly told her (and every other relative) that we don’t approve and the kid will not get the presents.”
“To his 1st birthday party, she brought cupcakes (against our wishes). She asked if she could bring those. We said no, there’s going to be enough food (and cake) already.”
“She then ordered a couple dozen or so cupcakes, placed the (very fancy) basket on the table where we set the desserts at, and her name was written on the basket.”
“I guess she’s trying to get people to see how much she’s spent on that. All of her gifts still have the price tag on.”
“Several other people asked if they could/should bring food to the party, and everyone got the same response.”
“When we took them away from the table with the cake and other food, she insulted my wife and me, hoping we didn’t hear her.”
“Several people asked if they could bring something, and we said no. If we had served her cupcakes, all of them could see that someone can and someone can’t bring something and be mad at me for that. Also, if I did that, next time I ask for something, no one would care about what I said.”
“We’ve since broken contact with her completely, we might meet her at an event with my father, but it’s a hello, and that’s all, but she keeps insulting us when she can—i.e. someone says to my wife she’s lost weight, she comes up and says, no she didn’t, she’s exactly the same as before—stuff like that.”
“My father got sick with cancer, and, of course, she’s been helping him a lot, which I appreciate, of course. But now, we’re planning on a birthday party and I understand that she’s planning on coming, even though no one’s invited her.”
“Travel thankfully isn’t an issue just yet, my father’s very mobile, was here to visit just a few days ago, on his own.”
“Since just after the first birthday and the weight loss thing, we’ve mostly broken any contact with her, but as my father got ill, she’s been trying to pry her way in.”
“I’m definitely not a saint, far from it, but I have to point something out: she didn’t try to talk.”
“She was in the wrong by not respecting our wishes at least, and when she realized that she hadn’t talked to us in a while, when we would stop FaceTiming with my dad as soon as she walked in and asked to see our son, the adult thing to do would be to say, something’s wrong, let’s talk about it.”
“But she didn’t, and that’s the reason I feel she shouldn’t be given any leeway.”
“I’m not looking to get anything from her. I don’t want her in my life, she wants to get back in. She insulted us. She disrespected our wishes. She’s the one who needs to make the first step (in my opinion).”
“Am I the a**hole to tell her that we don’t want to come to the party?”
The OP added:
“I’m thinking about how it’ll make my dad feel, but I shouldn’t be responsible for other people’s feelings (or so I’ve been told). I’ve been raised to always please, but I’m trying to move away from that.”
“I’ve already told my father how I feel about her, asking him not to bring her over when they come (they live ~200mi away, but come relatively often for business). But now I find this out. And I’m thinking she might make him miserable because of me, for a while at least, and I’m feeling guilty because of it.”
“To be honest, she really is great for him, not only now that he’s sick, but always has been. But that’s not a reason to overlook things like the ones I mentioned.”
“Don’t know if you have a child, but it’s very hard to bring them up without them getting addicted to screens. We’re working our asses off to give him the best possible childhood, but that calls for guarding him from some things.”
“Of course, they all wind up eating stale McDonald’s fries from the car floor (as per the meme), but like hell I’m going to let my kid to stare in a loud-music-playing plastic horror moving in circles while having disco-ball like lights coming from it (yes, she gave him that when he was around 8-9m old).”
“We explained that’s very bad for him, that she can buy him some wooden blocks for him to play with, which would harm him if he put them in his mouth, wouldn’t harm his sight, etc… It’s like she goes into a store and purposely buys something that’s bad for the kid. I saw here letting him watch some videos on her phone (cartoons on YouTube).”
“Yes, kids should watch cartoons, but not any cartoons. We choose what he watches. Yes, he should have toys, but we curate what he plays with. We rotate his toys weekly or bi-weekly.”
“Kids should eat candy. But not any candy, and not anytime (certainly not right before bedtime). We try and make the candy on our own, so that we know what’s in it.”
“If someone can’t understand that, I’m okay with it. If someone doesn’t agree, that’s fine. But I’m the only one that’s responsible for my kid, what he eats, drinks, plays with, how he spends his time.”
“No one can love him more than I do. No one can dedicate their life to making them become the best possible version of themselves more than I do.”
“And one of the reasons why I’m bothered with the way she’s been treating us so much is because probably, while I was a kid, my boundaries were being crossed so easily, and so often.”
“And unfortunately, my parents didn’t know anything about them, so they didn’t see the problem.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I asked my father’s wife not to come to my son’s birthday with him, even though she’s been helping my father through his illness.”
“I might be perceived as not caring about my ill father’s feelings and perhaps granting his wishes while he’s alive.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided everyone sucks here (ESH) or just the OP sucked (YTA).
“ESH. This sounds horribly unpleasant, or you all sound horribly unpleasant. I doubt that in most interactions you are unpleasant. Just as I bet the same is true of her. You seem to both be acting as your worst selves, and I’m very purposefully including you here, OP.”
“Please consider de-escalating and not being so unpleasant because this is on a path of no return. And over what exactly? Your son is 4 and your panties are all in a twist because she brought cupcakes to his FIRST birthday party? 3 years ago?”
“Oh, the horror! Deep sarcasm here. This is your post and you’ve chosen the examples and that’s quite telling, though I doubt you meant it that way.”
“But, again, all I can say here is that you all sound deeply unpleasant, you included, and your petty ratcheting up by disinviting her is just more unpleasantness.” ~ Even_Budget2078
“YTA. You don’t have to like her, but she’s your father’s partner, and it’s disrespectful to both of them to exclude her.”
“She sounds like a piece of work, but nothing you’ve said here rises to a level of seriousness that would excuse barring her from events where your father is present.”
“Additionally, you really all need to be on the same side right now, with your dad going through cancer. It might be time for a reset and some peace.” ~ Wild-Association1680
“It’s not even a secret: he thinks his dad had an affair with his stepmom before his mom died (is it true? Who knows?) and he has been blaming only her for 25 years, while his dad gets away scot free.”
“His dad is dying of cancer, stepmom is doing all the caring, and this dude has decided this is the time to make his parents upset because it will. ESH but holy sh*t OP sucks more. She will disappear when dad dies, good lord.” ~ shelwood46
“YTA. You sound like a beige family. Young children NEED bright lights and colorful toys to play with. I don’t have the studies cued to go but there has been research done and that crap is detrimental to their cognitive growth.”
“Great, you swap toys out, that’s a good way to ensure your child plays with them longer. No screens is a good thing but doesn’t mean they should only have shades of grey and brown in their toys.”
“Even a Montessori school has toys that play sounds and have lights. It’s a good way for a child to learn cause and effect.”
“Get some therapy so you can work through your emotions from when your mom passed and maybe learn to at least be polite to your stepmom who IS caring for YOUR dying father.” ~ PifftheCat
“You all sound like jerks. She bought your child gifts and some cupcakes. THE HORROR!! This is where you politely say thank you. She shouldn’t be gossiping about you either. ESH.” ~ Turbulent_Cow2355
“YTA for many things, but mainly for expecting your dad to drive 200 miles by himself there and back while undergoing cancer treatment.” ~ duowolf
OP isn’t modeling mature behavior for their child.
Maybe they should worry about that more than loud toys or cupcakes.