We all make mistakes, and it's understood that in most cases, we can make up for those mistakes, and our loved ones will forgive us.
But when we start dipping our toes into illegal activities, that's where partners understandably start drawing a line, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DinnerRoutine1137 recently discovered that her husband had not only been lying about the financial situation for a really long time, but he also had stopped paying taxes.
When she discovered this, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think she could trust her husband anymore and started to consider a divorce.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by wanting a divorce after finding out my husband has been lying about our finances?"
The OP had been a stay-at-home mom after getting married.
"My (41 Female) husband (51 Male) and I have been married for 12 years and have three kids and also adult stepkids who were adults when I married him. I have a good relationship with my stepkids, who are estranged from their bio mom."
"I stayed home with our young kids (at his urging, I was working when I met him), and he provides financially through a business he owns."
"Over the years, I have asked many times about our taxes and been told that they have been taken care of."
The OP started to get suspicious about their financial situation.
"At some point, maybe five years ago, we started getting notices of a lien on our house. When I asked him about this, he said it was some kind of clerical mistake and not to worry about it."
"I started to get the inkling that he wasn't being honest, and I asked him about it many times."
"He would be aggressively angry at me for accusing him of lying and convince me that I was being paranoid and trying to sabotage our relationship."
"A couple of years ago, we started going to couples counseling for some other issues we were having, mainly a dead bedroom, because I just don't trust him. There are some other issues, mainly with him, not listening to how I feel, dismissing me, and treating me like his maid."
"In therapy, he also lied about the financial issues, but I didn't know that at the time. The therapist made me feel like everything was my fault because I was not trusting, so then the relationship improved for a little bit."
But then the OP learned the truth.
"Until a couple of months ago, when I checked my bank account and noticed that the [insert govt agency] had taken money out."
"I confronted him about it, and he confessed that he had not paid the taxes on the business in a couple years, which is for some reason connected to our taxes."
"He explained that he was just so stressed out, blah blah blah, and tried to blame it on his accountant."
"I tried to get over the dishonesty. A couple of weeks later, I found out that it has actually been 10 years since he paid taxes. So when he 'came clean' because he got caught, he STILL only told me part of the story."
That was the final blow for the OP.
"I'm just over it, and I want a divorce. I can't get over the dishonesty in the fact that I don't believe anything he says anymore. Not even 'I'm going to the store.'"
"Not to mention the possible legal and financial consequences for me…"
"But when I talk to people about it, they seem like they think I am overreacting and that I should try to forgive him."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to get in touch with her own lawyer and tax attorney right away, and to contact the government agency withdrawing funds from the account.
"You need your own lawyer and fast." - vbanddeer
"There are DOZENS of notices, and in many cases, years before they attach a lien or bank account. He's not being truthful."
"Contact the agency directly. Ask for transcripts of EVERYTHING for each tax year they are attaching a lien towards. Depending on the why, you may qualify for aggrieved spouse relief so you can get your bank money back."
"Get the transcripts and meet with your own attorney. The transcripts will let you meet with a couple of attorneys for a free consultation so you get a couple of opinions on what YOU can do based on fact, not half-truths."
"Then hire the person that seems to have the best plan to protect YOU." - Lopsided-Beach-1831
"My second husband didn't tell me MY house was being foreclosed on until six weeks before the court date. He got the mail daily, and I had no idea he wasn't paying the mortgage and that I was about to lose my first home."
"We had plenty of notice to fix what he ruined, but I never knew how bad it was, like the gazillion other spouses who've been screwed over, like OP's lying POS husband." - MsMoreCowbell828
"You need an attorney and an EA or CPA, preferably one who specializes in this stuff. You need advice from a professional, especially regarding the innocent spouse claim."
"There could be questions about what was known and what SHOULD have been known in regard to the tax filings, standard of living, business matters, etc. Not signing a tax return for a decade will, frankly, raise some questions." - CanIBeInvisible
"Get off Reddit and find a way to retain a lawyer. Beg, borrow, or steal it. You are in for a world of trouble, and you need help you can't get here. Run to a lawyer's office. Gather all the paperwork you can get your hands on."
"Bank statements, especially. That's if you can access them. Might want to find a firm that specializes in taxes and divorce. One stop shop. Best of luck to you. It's not the end of the world, and you can bounce back, but right now you need professional help." - Accidental-Aspic2179
Others reassured the OP that she was NOR for thinking of divorce and not trusting her husband.
"10 years?! I wouldn't trust this man with my financials even if I were dead. NOR." - Possible_Virus1439
"And because of the lies, he needs to be made legally responsible for all back taxes and debt. I wouldn't want to be within 100 miles of him when this all comes down." - Texascricket59
"You are not an idiot! He was a convincing liar because his lifestyle depended on it. Lying to his wife makes him the idiot, not you."
"Do not waste time or energy on regret! Use your time and energy to work with your lawyers to get untangled from this man and his finances as quickly and cleanly as you can."
"Moving forward, I wish you all the best. NOR." - Proverbs21-3
"NOR. My bestie's husband didn't pay taxes for 10 years they were together. When they divorced, she had $20,000 tax debt that she had to pay."
"File for divorce. Make the tax debt part of his settlement." - bdayqueen
"You are not overreacting at all. This is absolutely grounds for divorce. That's an insane lie for him to keep. He lied to your face for TEN YEARS and used therapy to gaslight you. Divorce. Immediately." - MHIH9C
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a pair of updates:
"UPDATE: Thank you all for the validation. My mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and I really wish I could talk to her about this. I know it's silly to turn to Reddit, but I really do feel better, so thank you."
"I had already spoken with a divorce attorney, but thank you for your advice about the tax attorney; I spoke with one today."
"UPDATE 2: I want to make a comment about not being involved in our finances. As someone who grew up VERY poor and had never even been able to afford a credit card, I knew very little about financial literacy going into this."
"For any young people reading this, please take a financial literacy class; local public libraries sometimes have one, as well as nonprofit organizations. It really should be something offered in the public school system. Ultimately, it's your responsibility to care for your finances, and I sure wish I had known more about it to begin with."
"And YES be involved in your family's finances, even if you decide to do the hard and valuable work of staying home and raising your kids. It's your money and your responsibility too, and your kids' future!"
"(Also, don't let anyone convince you that you 'should' have kids or get married, those are just options.) Lastly, don't think that you don't deserve to be treated well because you don't work. You're equal partners. Period."
"Huge thank you to you all for your advice and support. It really does help."
The subReddit was shocked and immediately urged the OP to take action before this situation could become even worse for her. She could have been more involved in her finances in the past, but there's no time like the present to make a change, especially with a husband who withheld such terrible information.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.