We all make mistakes, and it’s understood that in most cases, we can make up for those mistakes, and our loved ones will forgive us.
But when we start dipping our toes into illegal activities, that’s where partners understandably start drawing a line, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DinnerRoutine1137 recently discovered that her husband had not only been lying about the financial situation for a really long time, but he also had stopped paying taxes.
When she discovered this, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think she could trust her husband anymore and started to consider a divorce.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by wanting a divorce after finding out my husband has been lying about our finances?”
The OP had been a stay-at-home mom after getting married.
“My (41 Female) husband (51 Male) and I have been married for 12 years and have three kids and also adult stepkids who were adults when I married him. I have a good relationship with my stepkids, who are estranged from their bio mom.”
“I stayed home with our young kids (at his urging, I was working when I met him), and he provides financially through a business he owns.”
“Over the years, I have asked many times about our taxes and been told that they have been taken care of.”
The OP started to get suspicious about their financial situation.
“At some point, maybe five years ago, we started getting notices of a lien on our house. When I asked him about this, he said it was some kind of clerical mistake and not to worry about it.”
“I started to get the inkling that he wasn’t being honest, and I asked him about it many times.”
“He would be aggressively angry at me for accusing him of lying and convince me that I was being paranoid and trying to sabotage our relationship.”
“A couple of years ago, we started going to couples counseling for some other issues we were having, mainly a dead bedroom, because I just don’t trust him. There are some other issues, mainly with him, not listening to how I feel, dismissing me, and treating me like his maid.”
“In therapy, he also lied about the financial issues, but I didn’t know that at the time. The therapist made me feel like everything was my fault because I was not trusting, so then the relationship improved for a little bit.”
But then the OP learned the truth.
“Until a couple of months ago, when I checked my bank account and noticed that the [insert govt agency] had taken money out.”
“I confronted him about it, and he confessed that he had not paid the taxes on the business in a couple years, which is for some reason connected to our taxes.”
“He explained that he was just so stressed out, blah blah blah, and tried to blame it on his accountant.”
“I tried to get over the dishonesty. A couple of weeks later, I found out that it has actually been 10 years since he paid taxes. So when he ‘came clean’ because he got caught, he STILL only told me part of the story.”
That was the final blow for the OP.
“I’m just over it, and I want a divorce. I can’t get over the dishonesty in the fact that I don’t believe anything he says anymore. Not even ‘I’m going to the store.'”
“Not to mention the possible legal and financial consequences for me…”
“But when I talk to people about it, they seem like they think I am overreacting and that I should try to forgive him.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some urged the OP to get in touch with her own lawyer and tax attorney right away, and to contact the government agency withdrawing funds from the account.
“You need your own lawyer and fast.” – vbanddeer
“There are DOZENS of notices, and in many cases, years before they attach a lien or bank account. He’s not being truthful.”
“Contact the agency directly. Ask for transcripts of EVERYTHING for each tax year they are attaching a lien towards. Depending on the why, you may qualify for aggrieved spouse relief so you can get your bank money back.”
“Get the transcripts and meet with your own attorney. The transcripts will let you meet with a couple of attorneys for a free consultation so you get a couple of opinions on what YOU can do based on fact, not half-truths.”
“Then hire the person that seems to have the best plan to protect YOU.” – Lopsided-Beach-1831
“My second husband didn’t tell me MY house was being foreclosed on until six weeks before the court date. He got the mail daily, and I had no idea he wasn’t paying the mortgage and that I was about to lose my first home.”
“We had plenty of notice to fix what he ruined, but I never knew how bad it was, like the gazillion other spouses who’ve been screwed over, like OP’s lying POS husband.” – MsMoreCowbell828
“You need an attorney and an EA or CPA, preferably one who specializes in this stuff. You need advice from a professional, especially regarding the innocent spouse claim.”
“There could be questions about what was known and what SHOULD have been known in regard to the tax filings, standard of living, business matters, etc. Not signing a tax return for a decade will, frankly, raise some questions.” – CanIBeInvisible
“Get off Reddit and find a way to retain a lawyer. Beg, borrow, or steal it. You are in for a world of trouble, and you need help you can’t get here. Run to a lawyer’s office. Gather all the paperwork you can get your hands on.”
“Bank statements, especially. That’s if you can access them. Might want to find a firm that specializes in taxes and divorce. One stop shop. Best of luck to you. It’s not the end of the world, and you can bounce back, but right now you need professional help.” – Accidental-Aspic2179
Others reassured the OP that she was NOR for thinking of divorce and not trusting her husband.
“10 years?! I wouldn’t trust this man with my financials even if I were dead. NOR.” – Possible_Virus1439
“And because of the lies, he needs to be made legally responsible for all back taxes and debt. I wouldn’t want to be within 100 miles of him when this all comes down.” – Texascricket59
“You are not an idiot! He was a convincing liar because his lifestyle depended on it. Lying to his wife makes him the idiot, not you.”
“Do not waste time or energy on regret! Use your time and energy to work with your lawyers to get untangled from this man and his finances as quickly and cleanly as you can.”
“Moving forward, I wish you all the best. NOR.” – Proverbs21-3
“NOR. My bestie’s husband didn’t pay taxes for 10 years they were together. When they divorced, she had $20,000 tax debt that she had to pay.”
“File for divorce. Make the tax debt part of his settlement.” – bdayqueen
“You are not overreacting at all. This is absolutely grounds for divorce. That’s an insane lie for him to keep. He lied to your face for TEN YEARS and used therapy to gaslight you. Divorce. Immediately.” – MHIH9C
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a pair of updates:
“UPDATE: Thank you all for the validation. My mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, and I really wish I could talk to her about this. I know it’s silly to turn to Reddit, but I really do feel better, so thank you.”
“I had already spoken with a divorce attorney, but thank you for your advice about the tax attorney; I spoke with one today.”
“UPDATE 2: I want to make a comment about not being involved in our finances. As someone who grew up VERY poor and had never even been able to afford a credit card, I knew very little about financial literacy going into this.”
“For any young people reading this, please take a financial literacy class; local public libraries sometimes have one, as well as nonprofit organizations. It really should be something offered in the public school system. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to care for your finances, and I sure wish I had known more about it to begin with.”
“And YES be involved in your family’s finances, even if you decide to do the hard and valuable work of staying home and raising your kids. It’s your money and your responsibility too, and your kids’ future!”
“(Also, don’t let anyone convince you that you ‘should’ have kids or get married, those are just options.) Lastly, don’t think that you don’t deserve to be treated well because you don’t work. You’re equal partners. Period.”
“Huge thank you to you all for your advice and support. It really does help.”
The subReddit was shocked and immediately urged the OP to take action before this situation could become even worse for her. She could have been more involved in her finances in the past, but there’s no time like the present to make a change, especially with a husband who withheld such terrible information.