There are a few things that are all but synonymous with birthdays.
Candles, cake, parties, aging, and of course, presents.
Of course, if someone chooses to have a birthday party, they should be making that decision so they can spend their special day with those nearest and dearest to them.
And presents should not be a priority.
A recent Redditor was invited to a friend’s bat mitzvah.
Being a landmark birthday and occasion, the original poster (OP) wanted to make sure her present was special.
What the OP did not expect, however, was for this friend to more or less demand what she should give her.
A demand the OP was less than willing to oblige.
Wondering if she was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA? My friend is pressuring me to get her a lot of expensive things for her bat mitzvah, but my family wants to save for Christmas. Now she’s mad at me.”
The OP explained why buying a present for an upcoming bat mitzvah proved much more challenging than she expected:
“My friend (13 F[emale]) invited me (13 F) to her bat mitzvah this Saturday!”
“Keep in mind we are not that close of friends, just regular friends/mutual.”
“Yesterday I asked her what she wanted.”
“She said makeup or clothes, but then she said she will send me something she wants!”
“I was totally cool with that.”
“Later today, she texts me What is my budget?”
“I told my mom, and my mom felt bad since it is her bat mitzvah, but we’re saving up for Christmas, so we don’t want to get something too expensive.”
“My mom felt bad and said 40-50 dollars.”
“I told her this and also told her she could go a tiny bit over budget if she had to.”
“By this, I meant 5 dollars.”
“She sent me 2 $40 items from Hollister, (A skirt and a sweater).”
“She asked what color to get the sweater in so I just thought she meant pick one of these options to give to her.”
“Today in class, she asked if my mom had bought the skirt and sweater yet.”
“I told her not yet, confused if she wanted the skirt too, but it was double the budget for both things.”
“I told her later today since we’re saving up and it’s out of the budget I gave her, that we would just be able to get the sweater.”
“She got mad and said they were having very expensive decorations and free food, and you might even win a free sweater.”
“She also said you said I could go over budget, but I reminded her I just meant 5-10 dollars, not 40 dollars over budget.”
“So when I got in the car, my mom said they were out of stock for the sweater, so she got her a $50 Hollister card, which is a lot of money.”
“I texted my friend this, and she instantly replied, How much is on it?”
“I told her $50, and she hasn’t responded, and it’s been a few hours.”
“I think she’s mad, but it’s not really fair because she’s inviting like 100 people, so she will get so many presents, and I don’t know her THAT well to be dedicated to giving her a $100 gift lol.”
“It’s also Christmas season!”
“I don’t know what to do!”
“What do you think?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for sticking to her budget for her friend’s bat mitzvah.
Everyone agreed this particular friend was extremely spoiled, with some wondering if she was even worthy of a $50 gift card, and others wondering if it was even worth it for the OP to attend this bat mitzvah at all:
“Send regrets for the Bat Mitzvah and remove this garbage person from your friend list.”
“NTA.”- PeepholeRodeo
“NTA.”
“You’re 13.”
“Skip the party and find better friends.”- Jewbacca_429
“NTA.”
“Your friend is being greedy.”
“A $40 gift is more than enough.”- KiwiAlexP
“NTA.”
“You don’t get to decide what people gift you and for how much, it’s not up to her to act like she’s ordering gifts through you.”
“You’re 13, I think $50 is very nice of your mum.”
“$80 is expecting way too much.”
“She is being greedy and self-centered.”
“Is she expecting $80-100 from all 100 guests?!”
“Like wth?”
“Ask yourself this, if she wont talk to you because she doesn’t appreciate you giving her $50 for her birthday – is that really how a friend acts?”
“Easier said than done, but I’d consider keeping the gift card and not going – and find someone who is actually a friend.”- StoresoesKanIkkeAlt
“NTA.”
“But I think you should step back from this friend.”
“She sounds very greedy and entitled.”
“The decorations and the food at a celebration are supposed to be for the guest of honor – so that she can enjoy celebrating with her family and friends in a classy environment and enjoy seeing everyone have a great time.”
“They are not a benefit offered to the guest, for which the guest ‘owes’ an expensive gift.”
“Where I come from, it would be hella rude to ask what someone’s gift budget for you is, and hella ruder to try to get them to overspend it.”
“If someone asks what you would like, the appropriate thing to do is to offer them several choices at different price points.”- Constant_Host_3212
“This person is not a good friend.”
“Any other person would be grateful when given a $50 gift card.”
“Especially at 13.”
“Find a new friend OP.”
“NTA.”- RowyAus
“You should direct her to her Rabbi because, unless I am wrong and Jewish rites have turned into an elite, greed and money-grabbing thing, she urgently needs some lessons from the Tanach.”
“NTA.”
“Also not a good friend.”- S0larsea
“NTA.”
“She was weird to ask you what your budget was.”
“I was definitely not that way when I was 13.”
“I remember my uncle took us to Target a few times when we were little and told us we could get anything and I’d turn to my brother and say ‘nothing expensive’.”
“Seems rude to take advantage of someone’s generosity.”
“Regardless, maybe don’t ask next time unless they’re your bsf.”
“Anyone should be appreciative of a gift, especially from someone they’re not close with.”- Carosello
“NTA.”
“But your friend is one.”
“Seriously ungrateful, you don’t need to feel bad at all as that’s what your family can afford and your ‘friend’ is trying to take advantage.”
“Please don’t apologise to your friend for this behaviour as you’ve done nothing wrong and it this ends the friendship, then you’re better off without someone so ungrateful and who doesn’t appreciate your family finances and generosity.”- Dishtothefish
“Your mother is NTA.”
“You need to stop playing middleman and stop worrying about keeping your friend apprised of situation.”
“Your family is giving an appropriate gift.”
“Not your job to worry about a friend’s expenses in throwing a party, whether she will be satisfied, whether you can flex present, whether your present is most ideal for her & negotiating on her behalf.”
“Hard at your age, but the norm is you were invited to a party, you are giving a gift.”
“That’s it.”
“Period.”- heepwah
“Sometimes people at that age think about what they want instead of what’s realistic for others to spend.”
“You were kind, you offered a very generous budget, and you even got her something nice.”
“If she’s upset, that’s on her, not you.”
“You did the right thing, and your gift was more than enough.”
“NTA.”- PresentationUnited43
“NTA.”
“You don’t need a friend like that.”
“If she was a real friend, she would be grateful to you for coming and not demand certain gifts.”-mama-oso
“NTA.”
“This is a gift grab – invite people to get more gifts and push people to spend more on those gifts.”
“$50 is a more than generous gift to someone you aren’t even good friends with.”
“Also, you need to stop asking and seeking this girl’s approval of your gift.”
“She gets what she gets, and she needs to appreciate any and all gifts she receives.”
“Don’t be surprised if she is rude and unappreciative to you after she gets your gift.”
“Not because your gift is cheap but because but because her ‘friendship’ is cheap.”
“This is not about her wanting her friend to celebrate with her.”
“This is about her wanting you to add to her bat mitzvah gift stash.”- swillshop
“NTA, but honestly, I would decline to go.”
“Her party isn’t $50 of fun to you, and she’s made it clear that she’s not much of a friend to you.”-RecordingNo7280
A bat mitzvah is certainly a momentous occasion.
However, the ones being celebrated should invite friends because they matter to them, not simply to get expensive presents from them.
If expensive presents are the only reason this young girl is holding a bat mitzvah, her parents, not to mention her rabbi, should probably have a chat with her before her big day.