The majority of society makes assumptions about people as soon as they’re born, labeling them and treating them a specific way based on those assumptions.
In the United States, most babies are labeled heterosexual and either male or female and treated as such throughout their childhood.
Conservatives claim recognizing diversity in gender and sexuality is “sexualizing” children, yet see no issue with asking a 5-year-old girl if she has a boyfriend yet or having baby clothes with sexual innuendo on them.
Because children are labeled by adults at birth, they’re required to “come out” if reality differs from their designated identity. Coming out wouldn’t be necessary if society stopped assuming heterosexual was the default setting for all humans.
A father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after he decided to approach his son about the son’s sexuality instead of waiting to be told.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
MrNormanite asked:
“AITAH for telling my son I know he is gay?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (62, male) have two kids, one 24, male, and another 26, female. My wife unfortunately passed away 10 years ago when the kids were 14 and 16. She brought most of the warmth and heart to the family.”
“I’ve worked on myself and tried to be a more nurturing presence for my kids since she passed, but it isn’t something that comes naturally to me as I had a very traditional (and pretty severe) upbringing.”
“This brings me to my current situation. I recently found out through a friend at my church that my son is romantically involved with another man.”
“At first I was just surprised, but after I digested the news, I was concerned that he clearly didn’t feel able to share this important part of his life with me. We live in a more conservative part of the US, and I am an active churchgoer, and we had never really discussed sexuality as a family.”
“As such, I was concerned that he thought I would disown him or something: when in reality, I just love him and want him to find the happiness I had with his mother, whatever form that takes.”
“In the end, I decided it’d be best to address it directly with him so he knew I loved and supported him, and he didn’t have to worry about telling me. I invited him over for a beer, told him what I knew, and expressed as best I could that it wasn’t something he needed to hide from me.”
“He’s very much like me and not too great at emoting, but after his initial shock, he hugged me and told me he appreciated it. I felt like the conversation went well, and I was closer to him.”
“When my daughter found out what happened, however, she told me I’d made a big mistake. She said I ambushed him, and worse still, robbed him of the opportunity to come out to me in his own time, which she told me is often important to gay people.”
“I really didn’t get the impression my son felt that way about our conversation, and she didn’t hear from him that he feels that way, but she says it’s obvious he’d be upset.”
“So now I’m wondering if I’ve been an a**hole telling him I knew? And if so, what should I do next?”
“I’ve been thinking of checking in with him, but I don’t want to inadvertently say the wrong thing and damage my relationship with him more than I already may have done. I cannot lose another person I love, and don’t want to hurt my son, who went through so much already with his mom’s passing.”
“Replies from all are welcome, but especially gay folks who might know what my son is going through.”
The OP later added:
“I wanted to clear up that my daughter didn’t mean anything bad by what she said: she’s just a little protective of her brother, they went through a lot together when their mom passed.”
“Maybe I didn’t explain things too well, but she really meant well, and we all do love each other a lot, even if we aren’t always the best at expressing that.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to approach his son (NTA).
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but, if it puts your mind at ease, you could text him something along the lines of: ‘I’m sorry if our conversation put you on the spot, or made you uncomfortable. But I love you, and I just wanted you to know that. I’m so proud of the man you have become, and I know your mother would be too.”
“Then leave the ball in his court.” ~ Rough_Chip6667
“I would also remind your daughter that it is not her place to decide what your son should or shouldn’t get. If he’s okay, she needs to back off. NTA.” ~ mela_99
“I think having a conversation with him was fine, but I hope you didn’t tell him you ‘know he’s gay’ based on finding out he’s seeing a man romantically.”
“Just like gender isn’t binary (and never was biologically—there’s a gender spectrum based on the wide variety of chromosome, gene, hormone, and sex organ combinations that occur naturally within humans), human sexuality also isn’t binary.”
“Heterosexual and homosexual aren’t the only two options. If you assumed your son is gay, as opposed to him saying he’s gay, I’d apologize for making assumptions about his sexuality and re-emphasize that you only want him to be happy.”
“He may reveal he’s bisexual or pansexual if given the chance. Both often get labeled as homosexual the first time they date someone whose gender expression matches their own, which leads to issues if they date someone whose gender expression doesn’t match theirs.”
“Letting people tell you what their gender and sexuality are, instead of you telling them what they are, is just so much easier.”
“But I’m Indigenous, and we have 5 genders, so this whole binary labeling thing is weird to me anyway.” ~ MohawMais
“I always thought the coming out part was the hardest, scariest part. OP just sort of skipped the anxiety stage and went right to the open acceptance stage. You think that would be a relief.” ~ Kintarly
“No one should be publicly outed, which OP didn’t do. Someone having a private conversation with a loved one about acceptance and love can only be a good thing.”
“The sister is mistaking robbing someone of their sexual privacy with a parent nurturing their relationship with their son.”
“If the sister has anyone to be mad at, it is the person who told OP about the relationship, and maybe that is who they are actually angry with, but they are taking it out on OP because it’s easier to be angry at dad.” ~ f4dedglory
“It’s well out of order that the ‘friend’ felt the need to tell the OP, regardless of it ending on a positive note. Interfering arsehole. OP, you’re definitely NTA. You’re the good guy, and your son is a lucky man.” ~ Alfredthegiraffe20
“You should be able to come out on your own terms. Being forced out by someone else is unsettling (trust me, I know) and often dangerous.”
“But this isn’t that. This is just a father saying to a son, ‘I love you, gay, straight, or purple dinosaur,’ and a sister needs to stay the hell in her lane. I hate when straight people try to speak over us.” ~ hnsnrachel
“I was relieved when my brother told my mom I was gay. There is no ‘here’s how gay people want to come out’ manual. Turns out we’re all individuals.” ~ Psychological-Owl725
“My mother ambushed me in a similar way, but it was an ambush in the literal sense. I would have felt nothing but relief and gratitude that I wasnt the one who had to say the words if she had handled it how OP did.” ~ Dahcchad
“Personally, as a lesbian who has really religious parents who I was terrified to come out to, I think what you did was lovely.”
“I’m in my 40s now, and I came out to my parents in my mid twenties. Mum was Catholic. Dad was SUPER religious Lutheran.”
“At that time, both churches considered it a sin. And I was scared to come out. Mum’s family was more liberal, despite the Catholic background, and that was the easy part.”
“I was so, so scared of telling my dad. What you did was fantastic. Truly.” ~ Late_Resource_1653
“NTA. I don’t think you outed your son. The person in your church that told you outed him. I wonder what the motivation of this person was. The most important thing is that your son knows you love and accept him, and you are proud of him for the person he is.” ~ Interesting-Long-534
“I’m a gay man. A bit older than your son (45), and it would have made my life way easier if my father had done something like this.”
“Your daughter is trying to be a good ally, but it kinda sounds like she’s over-correcting, like she thinks you’re outing him. Outing someone is very different from telling someone you love, privately, that you already know they’re gay and love them all the same.” ~ Interaction-Calm
“NTA. You love your son and reassure him that you will always love him. And he appreciates that from you.”
“Talk to your son and be honest with him. That can’t hurt your relationship with him.”
“Guessing what he wants, assumptions about what is good for him, holding back from direct honesty, thinking—like your daughter does—that he’s too weak? Those are what might hurt things.” ~ fuzzy_mic
Even if there were a few stumbles, it’s clear this dad’s motivation was love and acceptance.
That’s more important than getting everything exactly right.