We always want to support our friends and family in all of their endeavors.
As the simple gesture of showing up is often all people need to feel supported.
Unfortunately, showing up isn't always possible.
Something that's difficult for everyone to understand.
The husband of a recent Redditor expected the original poster (OP) to always be present for his work events.
Something the OP did her best to fulfill.
However, making each and every one of these events was becoming increasingly complicated.
Something the OP's husband failed to understand.
Wondering if she was being insensitive toward her husband, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not going to every single one of my husband's shows?"
The OP explained why she felt less than compelled to be present at all of her husband's concerts:
"I (30 F[emale]) and my (31 M[ale]) husband have gotten into many arguments over the years because he feels I don't support his music career enough because I don't go to every single show he has or buy tickets the moment they drop."
"For context, he is a live guitarist in 2 different bands."
"I have gone to almost all of his shows whenever he plays in our state but there have been a few times when I haven't gone because it was either A). Not in our state, B) on a weekday and I have work that day/the next day (I work a 9-5), or C) I just didn't want to go because the venue was far and hard to get to."
"I want to say out of the like 100 shows he's played in our home state, I've gone to 90-95 of them but because I didn't go to all of them he feels I'm not supportive enough and compares me to the other bandmates' partners who go to every single one of their shows."
"I also want it to be noted that I always buy a ticket and never expect to get in for free."
"But he's upset that I don't buy it the MOMENT they drop and instead wait until a week or two before the show to get it."
"This is probably where I'm the a**hole in this because the reason I don't buy it the moment they drop is because I know the show isn't going to sell out so I don't feel a rush for me to get them."
"Besides this, I buy merch from the bands he's in, listen to them regularly, am always at the front when I'm at the shows, post their upcoming shows on my IG, always help break down/pack up at shows, and I've worked their merch booths a few times for free (which I offered to do, not because I was asked)."
"I also have created album artwork and logos for his solo projects and bought him gear in the past."
"So am I really not supportive enough because I don't always go to the shows or buy tickets the moment they drop?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not attending all of her husband's concerts.
Everyone agreed that it would be one thing if the OP didn't have to pay to attend these concerts, but that her husband expecting her to pay for each and every concert was ridiculous, though not as ridiculous as his frustrations with how slow she was to buy her tickets:
"NTA."
"You're his wife, not a groupie."
"His professional life is no more important than yours."
"He needs to be reminded of the importance of balance."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"As a fellow band wife, I don't do any of that."
"I go to shows that are in town and end before 11."
"I do not carry equipment, I do not purchase tickets."
"I support his love of music and commitment to the band, but I am not in a band."
"I did not sign up to carry equipment."
"They have plenty of fans and friends, and his enjoyment isn't contingent on my labor."
"I recommend his music to people I think would like it, and I helped him with the process of starting a label and becoming an LLC because research and organization are skills I do have and enjoy."
"I am happy for every Saturday to be spent at band practice, and I'm happy to run the household alone when they tour."
"That's the support I can afford, and my husband is happy and grateful."
"Your husband sucks."
"He is the problem."
"He's expecting too much."
"You are your own person with your own life."
"If he can't enjoy his hobby without your labor, he should quit."- FairyCompetent
"NTA."
"I can't get past that you have to buy tickets and merch instead of getting them for free."
"That, paired with 'the shows never sell out,' makes it pretty clear he knows they kinda suck and one extra body at the show will make a difference."
"Your husband is ridiculous."- ElleArr26
"How often does your husband give up his plans so he can go to work with you and sit there watching you work?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"NTA."- unlovelyladybartleby
"So you're paying to get in AND working as an unpaid roadie, but somehow this isn't supportive enough?"
"NTA.- knitpurlknitoops
"NTA ."
"Reading everything you do (and you do a ton- way more than I would do), it sounds like he is looking for a problem."
"I don't think this is about you."
"The only thing you may have been so nice that he takes you for granted."
"He's trying to find fault with you, and WHY he wants to do that is the bigger question."
"Cheating?"
"Unhappy and trying to put the blame on someone else?"
"Selfish and doesn't see that he's an endless pit of need?"
"If he doesn't express gratitude, if his focus is always on the negative, if he's comparing you to others only to find your faults- that's a choice he's making."
"He's acting entitled to your time, money, and labor."
"The question is why."- HowlPen
"NTA ."
"Especially because you still have to buy the tickets!"
"That can add up!"
"Do you have separate finances?"- faxmachine13
"NTA."
"Ask him in what aspect he supports you anywhere near the way you support his career?"
"Hobby?"
"Of music."
"Ask yourself the same question."
"Genuinely evaluate if you're happy putting in this much emotional labor (on top of time, energy, money, and actual free labor!)"
"To have it thrown back into your face by someone who evidently does not appreciate it."-StrippinChicken
"There are some very high expectations of you!"
"You and your husband work very different hours, and you still manage to attend 90-95% of his shows."
"Paying for tickets, on your own time after work, and buying merchandise."
"Someone who doesn't see that as 'supportive enough' must be challenging to live with."
"NTA."- tinyd71
"NTA."
"It is not a reasonable expectation for you to be his groupie."
"You are his wife, and you have shown plenty of support."
"You have a job for goodness' sake, your whole life isn't about him, despite what he seems to think."
"Do the other bandmates' spouses have jobs, or do they just follow their people around and that is their whole life?"
"It doesn't really matter in the end because they are not you and you are doing enough as it is, but it might be a good data point."- espressothenwine
"NTA."
"You sound really supportive."
"My brother is in a band, and his wife goes to almost every show, BUT she's the photographer, so it's pretty important for her to be there."
"I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but he sounds like a kid, not an adult."- Fancy_Introduction60
"NTA."
"The shows are his job, not yours."
"If he expects you there at every single one, he can start treating you as a staff member: he pays you for attending (not the other way round) and provides food transportation, merch."-Agostointhesun
"My partner is an actor."
"I 100% do not go to every show they do."
"NTA."- Silent_Ad_1285
"Oh god, the way I visibly cringed while reading this post."
"You are NTA, but your husband IS."
"He is insisting you act more like a mother going to all their kids' recitals and soccer games to cover for his crippling insecurity, rather than respecting you as an independent, supportive partner."
"At least, that's the way it reads to me."
"Coincidentally, I was just discussing this topic with my own partner - we have a friend who is trying to start up their music career."
"They ask/insist we go to every damn show."
"When we've politely declined, they have offered to cover our tickets, repeatedly."
"We still politely decline."
"We went to their early shows (& happily paid!) to show our support when they were getting off the ground, but it's just not our thing long term."
"This person is going through the rough process of learning and growth as a musician, where they realize that their friends and family are NOT the same thing as fans."
"If you are a serious professional musician, there comes a point where you realize that your career must be fueled by your own talents, not by friends and family propping you up."
"Otherwise it just won't be self-sustaining."- StingingSwingrays
It seems clear that the OP wants to support her husband and be there for him as best she can.
Making her husband's expectations of her not only attending all of his performances, but paying for them and buying tickets the minute they go on sale seems excessive, to say the least.
Perhaps if he focused on his wife's love and support for him, rather than comparing her to others, the OP's husband would learn to be happier with the support he gets.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp