We always want to support our friends and family in all of their endeavors.
As the simple gesture of showing up is often all people need to feel supported.
Unfortunately, showing up isn’t always possible.
Something that’s difficult for everyone to understand.
The husband of a recent Redditor expected the original poster (OP) to always be present for his work events.
Something the OP did her best to fulfill.
However, making each and every one of these events was becoming increasingly complicated.
Something the OP’s husband failed to understand.
Wondering if she was being insensitive toward her husband, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not going to every single one of my husband’s shows?”
The OP explained why she felt less than compelled to be present at all of her husband’s concerts:
“I (30 F[emale]) and my (31 M[ale]) husband have gotten into many arguments over the years because he feels I don’t support his music career enough because I don’t go to every single show he has or buy tickets the moment they drop.”
“For context, he is a live guitarist in 2 different bands.”
“I have gone to almost all of his shows whenever he plays in our state but there have been a few times when I haven’t gone because it was either A). Not in our state, B) on a weekday and I have work that day/the next day (I work a 9-5), or C) I just didn’t want to go because the venue was far and hard to get to.”
“I want to say out of the like 100 shows he’s played in our home state, I’ve gone to 90-95 of them but because I didn’t go to all of them he feels I’m not supportive enough and compares me to the other bandmates’ partners who go to every single one of their shows.”
“I also want it to be noted that I always buy a ticket and never expect to get in for free.”
“But he’s upset that I don’t buy it the MOMENT they drop and instead wait until a week or two before the show to get it.”
“This is probably where I’m the a**hole in this because the reason I don’t buy it the moment they drop is because I know the show isn’t going to sell out so I don’t feel a rush for me to get them.”
“Besides this, I buy merch from the bands he’s in, listen to them regularly, am always at the front when I’m at the shows, post their upcoming shows on my IG, always help break down/pack up at shows, and I’ve worked their merch booths a few times for free (which I offered to do, not because I was asked).”
“I also have created album artwork and logos for his solo projects and bought him gear in the past.”
“So am I really not supportive enough because I don’t always go to the shows or buy tickets the moment they drop?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not attending all of her husband’s concerts.
Everyone agreed that it would be one thing if the OP didn’t have to pay to attend these concerts, but that her husband expecting her to pay for each and every concert was ridiculous, though not as ridiculous as his frustrations with how slow she was to buy her tickets:
“NTA.”
“You’re his wife, not a groupie.”
“His professional life is no more important than yours.”
“He needs to be reminded of the importance of balance.”- RoyallyOakie
“NTA.”
“As a fellow band wife, I don’t do any of that.”
“I go to shows that are in town and end before 11.”
“I do not carry equipment, I do not purchase tickets.”
“I support his love of music and commitment to the band, but I am not in a band.”
“I did not sign up to carry equipment.”
“They have plenty of fans and friends, and his enjoyment isn’t contingent on my labor.”
“I recommend his music to people I think would like it, and I helped him with the process of starting a label and becoming an LLC because research and organization are skills I do have and enjoy.”
“I am happy for every Saturday to be spent at band practice, and I’m happy to run the household alone when they tour.”
“That’s the support I can afford, and my husband is happy and grateful.”
“Your husband sucks.”
“He is the problem.”
“He’s expecting too much.”
“You are your own person with your own life.”
“If he can’t enjoy his hobby without your labor, he should quit.”- FairyCompetent
“NTA.”
“I can’t get past that you have to buy tickets and merch instead of getting them for free.”
“That, paired with ‘the shows never sell out,’ makes it pretty clear he knows they kinda suck and one extra body at the show will make a difference.”
“Your husband is ridiculous.”- ElleArr26
“How often does your husband give up his plans so he can go to work with you and sit there watching you work?”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“NTA.”- unlovelyladybartleby
“So you’re paying to get in AND working as an unpaid roadie, but somehow this isn’t supportive enough?”
“NTA.- knitpurlknitoops
“NTA .”
“Reading everything you do (and you do a ton- way more than I would do), it sounds like he is looking for a problem.”
“I don’t think this is about you.”
“The only thing you may have been so nice that he takes you for granted.”
“He’s trying to find fault with you, and WHY he wants to do that is the bigger question.”
“Cheating?”
“Unhappy and trying to put the blame on someone else?”
“Selfish and doesn’t see that he’s an endless pit of need?”
“If he doesn’t express gratitude, if his focus is always on the negative, if he’s comparing you to others only to find your faults- that’s a choice he’s making.”
“He’s acting entitled to your time, money, and labor.”
“The question is why.”- HowlPen
“NTA .”
“Especially because you still have to buy the tickets!”
“That can add up!”
“Do you have separate finances?”- faxmachine13
“NTA.”
“Ask him in what aspect he supports you anywhere near the way you support his career?”
“Hobby?”
“Of music.”
“Ask yourself the same question.”
“Genuinely evaluate if you’re happy putting in this much emotional labor (on top of time, energy, money, and actual free labor!)”
“To have it thrown back into your face by someone who evidently does not appreciate it.”-StrippinChicken
“There are some very high expectations of you!”
“You and your husband work very different hours, and you still manage to attend 90-95% of his shows.”
“Paying for tickets, on your own time after work, and buying merchandise.”
“Someone who doesn’t see that as ‘supportive enough’ must be challenging to live with.”
“NTA.”- tinyd71
“NTA.”
“It is not a reasonable expectation for you to be his groupie.”
“You are his wife, and you have shown plenty of support.”
“You have a job for goodness’ sake, your whole life isn’t about him, despite what he seems to think.”
“Do the other bandmates’ spouses have jobs, or do they just follow their people around and that is their whole life?”
“It doesn’t really matter in the end because they are not you and you are doing enough as it is, but it might be a good data point.”- espressothenwine
“NTA.”
“You sound really supportive.”
“My brother is in a band, and his wife goes to almost every show, BUT she’s the photographer, so it’s pretty important for her to be there.”
“I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but he sounds like a kid, not an adult.”- Fancy_Introduction60
“NTA.”
“The shows are his job, not yours.”
“If he expects you there at every single one, he can start treating you as a staff member: he pays you for attending (not the other way round) and provides food transportation, merch.”-Agostointhesun
“My partner is an actor.”
“I 100% do not go to every show they do.”
“NTA.”- Silent_Ad_1285
“Oh god, the way I visibly cringed while reading this post.”
“You are NTA, but your husband IS.”
“He is insisting you act more like a mother going to all their kids’ recitals and soccer games to cover for his crippling insecurity, rather than respecting you as an independent, supportive partner.”
“At least, that’s the way it reads to me.”
“Coincidentally, I was just discussing this topic with my own partner – we have a friend who is trying to start up their music career.”
“They ask/insist we go to every damn show.”
“When we’ve politely declined, they have offered to cover our tickets, repeatedly.”
“We still politely decline.”
“We went to their early shows (& happily paid!) to show our support when they were getting off the ground, but it’s just not our thing long term.”
“This person is going through the rough process of learning and growth as a musician, where they realize that their friends and family are NOT the same thing as fans.”
“If you are a serious professional musician, there comes a point where you realize that your career must be fueled by your own talents, not by friends and family propping you up.”
“Otherwise it just won’t be self-sustaining.”- StingingSwingrays
It seems clear that the OP wants to support her husband and be there for him as best she can.
Making her husband’s expectations of her not only attending all of his performances, but paying for them and buying tickets the minute they go on sale seems excessive, to say the least.
Perhaps if he focused on his wife’s love and support for him, rather than comparing her to others, the OP’s husband would learn to be happier with the support he gets.