Relationships, and even marriages, can end for lots of reasons, but one reason that probably isn’t discussed enough is the impact that moving to a new place can have on the health of a relationship.
When kids are involved, it’s especially important to consider what the implications of moving would be, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Natizzio had always been supportive of their wife and stepkids, but when their wife wanted to relocate to be closer to the place where her kids from a previous relationship planned to go to college, they had reservations.
Because they wanted their kids to stay close to their family, the Original Poster (OP) went so far as to consider divorcing their wife over this relocation plan.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for being willing to end my marriage because I refuse to uproot my kids from their life to follow my stepkids?”
The OP and their wife were at odds when their stepchildren moved away.
“My wife and I have been together for four years and married for almost two. We both have kids from previous relationships.”
“My daughter is 11, and my son is nine. We lost their mom when they were younger.”
“My wife had been divorced for many years and shared custody of her 15- and 16-year-olds with her ex-husband until a few months ago, when he was granted permission to move to another state with their kids, because their kids wanted to go with their dad.”
“My wife doesn’t want to be away from her kids for long periods of time, and she has told me she’s moving. She feels like she needs to be near her kids.”
“She also is already pursuing plans to work out there and has leads lined up. I support all of this.”
The OP did not want to hurt their children by following their stepchildren.
“But I won’t move my kids away from family, friends, and stability to do this.”
“My kids don’t want to move, either. They heard my wife mention it several weeks ago, and they told me they don’t want to leave. They’d miss everyone too much.”
“I already know the life that my kids have here is what they need and where they thrive.”
The couple wasn’t sure how they could move forward.
“I explained this to my wife, and she was defeated. She told me we can’t make a marriage work if I’m here and she’s there, and I said I agree, and I told her I believe the best way forward would be to divorce.”
“She was upset by this, of course, and we talked, and I comforted her.”
“She asked me if there was anything she could say or do to make me reconsider.”
“I told her I won’t move my children, and I would never ask her to be apart from her kids for months at a time. I said we’re both committed to the best interest of our individual children, and that means doing what’s right for them, even if it’s not right for us as a couple.”
The pair couldn’t think of how to make the marriage work after this.
“She asked for us to talk it out some more, and we have. We’ve talked about it extensively, but all the while she has been making arrangements for a place where her ex and kids now live and a new job.”
“I think she believed I would change my mind the more we discussed everything, but I have not, and now she’s angry that I would rather our marriage end than move so we can all be together as a family.”
“But I know this is not what’s best for my kids, just like she knows what is best for hers.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and applauded both parents for putting their kids’ needs first.
“NTA. You both are putting the kids first, which is what good parents do.”
“Unfortunately, the kids’ needs are at odds, so that means the marriage has to take a back seat until they are all adults. Good luck.” – ayesh00
“She’s putting her kids first, too. Sometimes things just don’t work out. NTA to all.” – cybercuzco
“NTA. As a parent, you need to do what’s best for your kids. It’s sad that your marriage will have to end, but it’s unfair to uproot your kids.”
“Even more so since her kids choose to live with their dad and are older teens who will become more and more independent in the coming years.” – Various-Ocelot-2209
“NTA. You’re putting your children first, as you should.”
“Why is she getting angry at you? Whilst she did the right thing by putting her children first, she’s the one who broke the family dynamic. She’s the one who had already put the wheels in motion to move.”
“She just thought you’d follow after her and is angry because you didn’t bow to her demands. That’s not thinking as a family.” – Uglym8s
“That’s not more flexibility, if anything, it’s LESS flexibility since you’re a single parent, both your children and you need FAR more support than she does.”
“Does she expect to isolate you and your children from ALL your family and friends just to stay close to your stepkids (who are already choosing to get away from her) for two to three years at most? That’s beyond crazy and selfish.” – LeoPines_12
“I wondered why a long-distance relationship isn’t an option, or at least trying it out. It would be most inconvenient for the wife, as she’d be the one travelling back and forth between her kids and her husband.”
“But people who are committed to both aspects of their life could figure it out for a few years, when her kids will likely go away to college.” – Fancy-Art-1930
“There are so many stories here of parents putting their sexual/social needs ahead of their kids, it’s a relief to see a parent who gets it.”
“I hope things work out for you. Your wife is driving this train off the track by being uncompromising and unrealistic, but she’s blame-shifting big time.” – SmoothLester
Others understood why this was hard but knew what decision they would make.
“Her kids are nearly grown and chose their dad to live with even though he was moving states away and had to leave all their friends, family, and school. That says something.”
“His kids are much younger and have a lot longer to go where they are. Seems like an easy call to me, but still a hard situation all around.” – No-Two1390
“They were willing to leave everything behind, including her, to be somewhere else just with their dad. Is she doing what’s best for them, or what’s best for her and her image?”
“They were fine moving away from her, and yet she expects you to drop everything and drag your children to follow her? Nope. Sounds like the kids might see her as something other than the selfless mother they want to live with.”
“And getting mad at you for not complying with her wants regardless of how it affects you and your children is just throwing fuel to the NTA fire.” – Any_Eye1110
“It seems like she knew on some level that he wasn’t willing to uproot his kids like that.”
“I DO think the situations are different because his kids are younger and they have a deceased parent as opposed to a divorced parent, so uprooting them could potentially have more of a psychological impact.”
“Her kids are knocking on college/university door while his are still very much so in their formative years, too, but in a very different way.” – amw38961
“OP would be uprooting his two young children for kids who will be leaving home in just a couple of years. Is Mom going to uproot the family again to follow them to college?” – knittingmaniac420
“Her kids will be out of the house in three or four years. They’ll already be at school, sports, games, friends far more at this age anyway.”
“She’s giving up her bonus family for a life with her kids that’s rapidly gonna turn 180 degree in the next few years. I feel bad for her, but she’s actively choosing this and only seems interested in the OP compromising, not her.” – shulzari
“You are NTA. The situation was completely different, but when I was 12, my parents moved us two states away for my father’s job change. It would also be only a 30-minute drive from my maternal grandmother.”
“My younger siblings and I were well established with our schools and friends, and we left the home and community we’d known our entire lives to that point. To their credit, my parents sat us down as a family and explained what was happening, and they asked us if we would be ok with moving. I knew my parents were having problems due to my dad’s alcoholism and constant quitting jobs.”
“This move was intended as a fresh start, and 12-year-old me was hopeful it would be good. I told my parents that I understood the basic reason for wanting to move and that although I’d have problems leaving everything and everyone, I knew they were trying to make things better. My siblings said mostly the same things, and my parents took that as the green light to move forward.”
“We moved a few months later (dad had gone ahead and started his job while we finished the school year). To say the move was traumatic is a huge understatement. We didn’t know anyone, the kids were mean to outsiders, and we had lots of adjustment issues. Also, the problems my parents had just increased instead of easing. The move was traumatic for us, and it solved nothing.”
“Thank you for putting your kids first. My parents’ hearts were in the right place, and they tried to do the right thing, but even now, 50 years later, I still remember how traumatic it was. It left permanent scars on everyone.” – Neither_Buy4933
The subReddit actively applauded the OP for putting the needs of their children, who needed the stability during their young years after losing their mother, even if it meant a major consequence in their own life.
It was interesting that the wife would not consider traveling to see her children, who were on the brink of becoming adults and moving out on their own anyway, but if it was a decision she was set on making, then that was how she thought was best to care for her kids, and sometimes when the kids are being put first, some things are not reconcilable.