We all have items that we truly value.
These might not necessarily have a high monetary value, but have emotional or sentimental value.
With this in mind, we often find ourselves loath to let other people use, borrow, or even touch them, and seldom take them out of our sight.
When someone loses or gets rid of an item they claim to "value," one can't help but wonder just how "valuable" that item actually is.
The ex of Redditor MayMayR1 had left a personal item of his at the original poster (OP)'s home.
While the OP made an effort to return the item to their ex or his sister, their efforts proved futile, resulting in the OP eventually giving it away.
Unfortunately, shortly after doing so, the sister of the OP's ex finally called in an effort to retrieve this item, and was not at all pleased to hear that it was no longer in the OP's possession.
Wondering if they did anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for giving away a military funeral flag that didn't belong to me?"
The OP explained why their ex's sister was furious to hear they gave away a family item:
"Ok long story short I ended up with a military flag that an ex had left at my house for almost 3 years."
"I have repeatedly contacted him and his sister to try and return the flag to them since it was their Dad's funeral flag and he was a retired military vet, and he has since passed away."
"The last time I had contacted the sister was probably about a year ago."
"I asked for her address because I was going to send her the flag."
"I was tired of holding onto it."
"Well, she never got back to me."
"A year has passed since the last time I tried to make contact."
"Well, I didn't know exactly what to do with the flag, so I got hold of a friend who is also retired from the military, and I asked them for advice on what to do with it."
"He said to give it to him, he would be able to take care of it for me, and so I did just that."
"That was about 3 or 4 months ago."
"Well, today I got a message from my sister asking about the flag, and I told her I didn't have it anymore, and she blew up at me about it."
"Said I was stealing from her, and it wasn't my right to get rid of it, and pressuring me for the guy's information to contact him."
"I told her no, I wasn't going to give her his information because he doesn't know her, and I don't think he would be comfortable with me giving out information like that to a stranger."
"So I refused."
"She got upset and said, ' What if it was my dad's flag and I told her, 'Well, if it was me in your situation, and it was that important to me, I would have prioritized getting the flag back."
"So my question is Am I An A**hole for giving away the flag?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for giving away the flag.
Everyone agreed that if the flag was as important and precious as the ex of the OP's sister claimed, then she and her brother shouldn't have let it sit unclaimed for three years:
"NTA."
"Military veteran here."
"You did more than your due diligence trying to return the flag."
"It wasn't important to them until they decided they could make a big deal out of it."
"You did the right thing."- subsailor1968
"NTA."
"You gave them every opportunity to get the flag."
"You gave it to someone who can dispose of it properly."
"Its not like you tossed it in the trash."
"Move on."- partsgoddess
"If it were important, they would have responded to you sooner, and the sister knows this, which is why she is lashing out."
"She doesn't want to admit this is her own fault."
"NTA."
"You did the right thing giving it to another vet."- small-black-cat-290
"NTA."
"They ignored your attempts to give back the flag for three years?"
"Hell with them."- WestCovina1234
"NTA."
"Don't feel guilty."
"It was a crappy situation."
"Blame the family's initial lack of response for this."
"You also did the right thing by giving it to someone who will honor it, instead of throwing it out."-tempo06
"NTA, they had three years to get it from you when you tried to give it back."
"Better yet, your ex should never have left it behind to begin with."
"At this point, it was abandoned and yours to do with as you want, and you very respectfully gave it to another veteran to take care of."- RefrigeratorRare4463
"NTA."
"You did your due diligence."
"It's not your fault the family didn't care enough to do something sooner."
"Three years is plenty of time for them to fetch their treasured belongings."
"And, good for you taking care to handle the flag so respectfully."
"Many people would not."- arizonaraynebows
"NTA."
"Must not have been that important if they let it go that long."
"Kinda sad actually."- Ok-Bumblebee6881
"Hard NTA."
"You did everything you could do to see the flag returned."
"Then, when that failed, you still went out of your way to find a way to pass it on respectfully."
"What else are you meant to do?"
"It's not your flag, you're under no obligation to keep it indefinitely."- Remarkable-Intern-41
"NTA tbey abandoned the flag."
"They are lucky you didn't throw it in the trash."
"Maybe contact your friend yourself, if he's just taking care of it maybe he'll be willing to give it back and then you can give it to that woman - it's the decent thing to at least try, even if you'd be in your rights not to."- z-w-throwaway
"NTA."
"You are not a free storage facility, and you did more than your due diligence."- UngnomeCawler
"NTA."
"You're better than me, I would have hung up the moment she raised her voice."- ThickShortGirl
"NTA."
"You did what you could to return it."
"Did you ask the sister why she took over a year to reply to your request to solve the flag drama?"
"Block her and move on with your peaceful life, free of her family."- clrthrn
"NTA: if they wanted it, they could have contacted you last year."- itbelikedat78
"NTA."
"But you should have told her you'll get back to her and not call her back for a year."
"JK."
"Actually telling her that was the right thing."- Severe_Feedback_2590
"NTA."
"There's no way she didn't already know that you gave it away when she called because she never gave a sh*t for the last three years until after you gave it away."
"You've been dealing with this issue for over three years, and probably mentioned your frustration to a few people."
"After you got rid of it, you probably mentioned to those same people that you had finally found an ethical solution."
"At some point one of those people probably mentioned it to someone else, who then told her."
"And there probably wasn't any negative intent there - she may have brought up that you still had the stupid thing, and happened to say it to someone who knew that no, you had already taken care of the problem."
"So then she called you, knowing full well it was gone, and asked you for it so she could gripe you out."
"Block & ignore."- KrofftSurvivor
"Most folks have not a single idea what to do with those flags, so they get hidden away and moth-eaten."
"We donated ours to the American Legion; they don't treat their flags nicely and let them fly 24-7, but that means they get tatty and need new ones on the regular."
"Seemed like a good place for a veteran's flag to be."
"NTA for sending it along after trying to return it for years."- 2dogslife
"NTA."
"It's been years, and they haven't tried to get the flag back, even with your repeated attempts to return it."
"It obviously isn't important to them."
"Most likely, the sister is only asking now because someone in her family asked about it, and it makes the sisters look bad that they left it with you after the break-up, even when you attempted to return it."
"I think, after so long, it's obvious they didn't care about the flag or getting it back; it makes sense to pass it to someone military who would know what to do with it."
"It's even possible this will result in it being returned to the family, if there's a way to trace which vet it was for."
"In fact, maybe that's the whole problem, it's been a few months since you did this, maybe the vet you gave it to passed it to the right people who could trace the family it belonged to, and they returned it to the wife/parents/siblings or another child, which has got them wondering how that happened, so they brought it up to the sister who was supposed to have it, and now they're panicking because they 'lost' the flag and don't want to admit that."- WhiteKnightPrimal
Most people treasure military funeral flags, as it serves as a reminder of the service, bravery, and sometimes sacrifice their family members gave to our country.
Leaving one to wonder why the OP's ex didn't make a point of taking it with them as soon as they moved out.
Tough as this lesson is, one has little doubt that the OP's ex and his sister will make a point of keeping the things that matter to them closer at hand from now on.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp