The co-mingling of business and personal relationships can be a fragile process to navigate.
Everyone wants to keep everything professional and not personal.
But more often than not, the combination brings out problems that cause hurt feelings.
Trying to mend those fences isn't easy.
Redditor Less_Assistant2247 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not telling my friend's partner that she didn't get the job at my company?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I've taken over the family business along with my sister."
"Recently, a friend of mine, whom I always considered a very good friend, started just distancing himself."
"Yesterday I found out what it was."
"A few months ago, we opened a position in our company, and one of the resumes was [friend's] G[irl]F[riend] (she did not know when she applied that it was my company)."
"In order to keep it professional, I wasn't involved in the process."
"My sister did the interview."
"It was actually kind of awkward because."
"As she was leaving the building, I was walking in, but I pretended I didn't see her because she faltered in her step."
"Clearly recognizing me, she said hello, and I just said hello back and kept going like I didn't recognize her, which could've been genuine since I have not been in a lot of gatherings with her, honestly."
"Anyway, we ended up going with another person for the job."
"Apparently friend's GF sent an email asking for any updates a few weeks after the interview, but we never responded to her."
"My sister deals with the e-mails usually."
"My friend is mad at me and said he is greatly disappointed in my handling of the situation."
"That he was fine with her not being picked, but that I not even bothering to send an e-mail and tell her she didn't get the job is unacceptable in his opinion, considering we are such good friends."
"I told him I was just keeping it professional and unbiased."
"He said it's totally fine that she wasn't picked, it was about the fact I didn't bother to send the feedback and that I pretended not know her when she was just saying 'Hi.'"
"He is one of those people who, when he is done with you, he is done; he doesn't want to fight, but he clearly doesn't want to associate much with me anymore."
"I think he's just salty on behalf of his GF, but I need opinions on this."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Yeah, I think YTA."
"Removing yourself from the process was the right thing to do, but there was no reason to pretend not to know her."
"I also would have told my friend that I saw that she applied and that I was letting someone else do the interviews to remain unbiased."
"Instead, you were weird and evasive."
"Sis is the AH, too, for not following up."
"It's super rude when companies do that." ~ Glassgrl1021
"Yeah, it doesn't matter if you know someone or not."
"Any person or company that doesn't let you know the outcome of an interview is automatically AHs." ~ Comfortable-Battle18
"Even though this is an absolutely correct statement, it is the typical way in the US."
"Groveling for jobs and companies not giving a hot damn about the people who just want to know."
"OP, please talk to the family ownership about this."
"This is something you could take a positive step forward."
"Even if you guys just shift to say if you do not hear from us by x, you will know we have chosen another person."
"That at least gives a clear timeline for the applicants."
"OP is NTA, but the job industry really is."
"So is the sister." ~ cyberman0
"It's quite easy to set up a form email that can't be auto-sent to the candidates who did not get the job."
"These companies have zero excuses for ghosting candidates, particularly the ones who've actually made it through to the interview process and take time out of their schedule to meet with the hiring managers." ~ sportsfan3177
"Agreed. It's somewhat understandable (though still a bit of a d**k move) if the company has a massive profile and a gazillion applications to sort through."
"When it's a smaller family company, though, and only say... ten or twenty people on the shortlist for interview."
"You really ought to be sending them emails that thank them for attending the interview and then follow up with an outcome."
"It is rude to leave people hanging." ~ Normal-Height-8577
"Ignoring her was extremely odd."
"I'd kind of get it if OP was high in a company that's not family owned and she doesn't want to come off like she has a bias for any of the candidates, but that's still silly because she specifically asked not to be a part of the hiring process to avoid favouritism."
"There's really no logical explanation!"
"I think OP's friend just realised what his friend is like to other people, and he didn't like it." ~ snow_sefid
"Agreed. There's professionalism, and then there's a complete lack of empathy or politeness."
"He was both rude and lacked enough empathy to simply tell her she didn't get it."
"Letting her sit and hope for weeks when in fact the decision had already been made is just mean, and honestly, he just acted super immature throughout." ~ PrinceCastanzaCapone
"Your company's policy to not let candidates know they weren't chosen sucks, so I agree with your friend."
"Getting all the way to an interview and then being ghosted while waiting and hoping for a positive answer is really hard."
"It's not that difficult to even just send an email saying, 'thank you for applying, but we went with someone else.'"
"Don't leave people hanging like that."
"It may not be a big deal to you when considering new hires, but it is a very big deal to the person who applies and then comes in for an interview."
"I have to wonder what other ways you are cluelessly inconsiderate to those you hire?" ~ Sea_Register1095
"I still hold a minor grudge against a company I interviewed with."
"I got all the way to final round interviews, and then they ghosted me until two months later when I finally got a form email (not even signed by any of the people I'd been through a few interviews with) informing me they'd gone with another candidate."
"OP should just type up a simple 'thanks for your interest, but we're going with someone else' email to reply with when doing hiring and be done with it." ~ theagonyaunt
"Yes, OP is indeed a huge AH."
"And so is his sister, and so is his company."
"A similar thing happened to me, except I was actively recruited by someone I knew at a firm."
"One of my best friends' spouses was in charge of hiring (the spouse was not the one who recruited me)."
"After two rounds of interviews and a very positive comment from the person who recruited me, insinuating that I would be getting an offer, they completely ghosted me."
"Because of the ghosting, I am no longer friends with my now former friend, whose spouse was in charge of hiring."
"The spouse should've been the person to contact me."
"If he didn't have the good grace to do it, the person who recruited me should have."
"And I am 100% sincere when I say I was not upset that I wasn't hired."
"In retrospect, I would've hated it there — this whole episode taught me a lot about the firm's culture."
"I was upset that they ghosted me after they recruited me."
"It was so incredibly unprofessional."
"I believe the person who recruited me really wanted me, but the firm just couldn't justify bringing on someone else, and they were probably embarrassed that they'd wasted my time."
"And seriously, you shouldn't waste someone's time, and if you have, you should be professional and let them know that you aren't in a position to hire anyone."
"It absolutely ruined my relationship with my former very good friend."
"She defended him and said he didn't do anything wrong."
"I guess she and OP would be on the same page." ~ Normal_Matter2496
"YTA. But your friend's reasoning - 'considering we are such good friends' - is misguided."
"The reason you and your sister are a-holes is NOT that this particular applicant deserved a personal reply based on her status as your friend's girlfriend."
"The reason you and your sister are a**holes is that this woman was a job applicant - what's more, an applicant good enough to make it all the way to interview stage! - and STILL neither of you could be bothered telling her that she was unsuccessful."
"Not even one line via email."
"I've applied for many jobs during my working life, and I came to detest employers who never bothered to reply."
"Every applicant deserves a reply, no matter how brief."
"It means they can then stop holding on to hope for that job, and direct their efforts elsewhere."
"Three times you said that you tried to be professional."
"True professionals don't ghost job applicants."
"Only a**holes do."
"Do better." ~. ThisWillAgeWell
Reddit has issues with your actions, OP.
You had no malicious intent.
In fact, you were just trying your best in an awkward situation.
But it feels like, perhaps, your communication skills are sorely lacking.
Maybe try to have a serious heart-to-heart with this friend and his GF.
And tell your sister to respond to emails.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp