Sharing finances in a relationship isn’t always easy.
Even if people have their own separate money in tandem with a split account, shared money is shared money.
And when big expenses come along, they can cause some trouble.
Money matters are always touchy.
Redditor ARandomStringOfWords wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA? Should I have to pay for a birthday I am excluded from attending?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My partner’s mother decided she wants to have her big anniversary birthday in another state, going for a week and staying somewhere fancy.”
“She’s said she’ll pay for everything, but the only people invited are her children and her partner.”
“Fair enough.”
“It’s her big day, and while being excluded hurts, I can understand her wanting to only have those closest to her there.”
“Here’s the but…”
“My partner wants to be the big man and pay for it, or at least split it with his siblings.”
“I am very much not OK with that.”
“We have joint finances, which means by definition half of that very large sum would be coming from my hip pocket.”
“His family is big on the whole ‘no, let *me* pay’ game, and normally I’m happy to play it, but I just don’t feel it’s OK for me to be told I’m not invited and then have him expect me to contribute.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not wanting to financially contribute towards a holiday I’m being excluded from attending?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Forget about paying for this trip.”
“Why is he even going?”
“My husband would not attend a vacation I was being intentionally excluded from.”
“There would never be a thought that it would be an immediate hard decline.” ~ florida_lmt
“Not invited is an incredible slap in the face; it is simply not how things are going.”
“Married people, and many other types of relationships, become a single unit; unless there’s some very good reason, like it’s a girls’ weekend or whatever, you don’t get to invite one but not the other.”
“Getting married is also joining the family.”
“We fostered and adopted, so get to see this up close with some of our extended family, or theirs, and it’s deeply upsetting and insulting how many consider only blood and not any other type of relationship to be real.”
“OP is NTA, and I would have put up more of a fuss, not just the finances.” ~ shoobe01
“NTA, but the real problem is your partner, not his mom.”
“Separate finances now.”
“And reconsider this relationship if he thinks you should have to pay for part of his mom’s trip.”
“If she’s paying for the trip, who goes is up to her.”
“His wanting to take money from your joint funds is a big problem, though.” ~ gremlinofspite
“I kind of agree.”
“At least separate savings accounts for things like this.”
“He wants to be the ‘big man?’”
“He can take it out of his fun money- not their joint account.”
“Absolutely NTA.” ~ Healthy-Detective326
“NTA. If your partner wants to pay for it, he should, but it can’t come out of your joint finances.”
“Or if it has to, you should be able to take the same sum out to spend on a trip or something else just for you.” ~ Poekienijn
“NTA. I can certainly understand why you don’t want to pay for something where you’re not welcome.’
“If you have only joint finances, I’d tell your husband you want to balance things out by spending the same amount for something for yourself, like a trip to your parents or something hobby-related.” ~ Heavy-Equipment8389
“NTA, your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is a grown adult who can’t have her children’s partners attend a holiday because she needs all attention on her birthday.”
“She needs to get a grip and realise she’s not the centre of the universe.”
“If your partner takes that money, then make sure you take the same amount of money and shout your own friends or family a week away without inviting him.”
“Make it a really epic trip.”
“Far better than hers.”
“If he complains, ask him how it’s any different from him.” ~ Nice_Option1598
“It’s not about the party, it’s about OP’s partner wanting to use joint funds to pay for it (not just his part but the whole thing), when OP is not invited.”
“I can understand OP feeling that she is paying to be excluded.”
“To be clear here, MIL is stating that she is paying so that she can control the guest list.”
“And then she may or may not be counting on 1 or more of her children to insist on paying for her.”
“Thus, she gets her children to herself without in-laws or grandkids, and won’t pay a dime. NTA.” ~ 1962Michael
“NTA. He is okay with you being excluded AND he wants you to pay for it too?”
“Big fat nopes all around.” ~ hotmesssorry
“Anyone wanna clue me in on what an anniversary birthday is???”
“NTA, you shouldn’t be asked or expected to pay for an event you’re not welcome at.”
“Your husband is kinda an ah for thinking it’s fair for you to help pay for it when you aren’t gonna be there.” ~ SigSauerPower320
“Surely you don’t join ALL of your finances?”
“Surely you keep your own bank accounts as well?”
“If he wants to pay for some or all of this trip and birthday event for his Mum, it should come out of his bank account, not out of your joint one.”
“But if he wants to take a large sum out of your joint account for something that excludes you, then tell him you will take the same sum out for something that is personal to you and excludes him.”
“That may hopefully make him see how ridiculous he is being.”
“Especially if your joint funds don’t support both withdrawals.” ~ Pretty_Outcome_307
“NTA, whatever he removes from your joint account for the party, take the same amount out and put it into your own personal account that he doesn’t have access to.” ~ AdFar6570
“NTA – odd behavior from your MIL to exclude you, as I’m going to assume you are in a pretty serious long-term relationship if you have joint finances, I don’t really understand why she wouldn’t invite you or other siblings’ partners either.” ~ smorgiie
“NTA. How, just how, did I know you were female and your problem partner would be male before I started reading?”
“It’s always the momma’s boys letting this kind of a**holery happen.”
“Excluding you was a choice, since you’re at the stage where you’ve got joint finances, I’m assuming you’ve been together for a while.”
“Again, excluding you was a choice.”
“Don’t let this kind of behaviour slide, OP.” ~ kidstrongbow
“If you have joint finances, you can’t really tell him what he is going to spend his money on.”
“If he insists on paying for this huge trip, you should book one just for yourself for the same week. Miraval is a lovely all-inclusive wellness resort I would highly recommend.”
“You’ll have no trouble spending just as much as he is. NAH.” ~ GrammaIsAWh*re
“Nope, NTA. The entitlement.”
“I would never do something for MIL, as in she would be banned from my house and kids.”
“Your spouse can pay out of their money, not the family money.”
“They do not have enough- they can get a loan from a sibling or sell something of their own.” ~ stuckinnowhereville
“Do you guys have one joint account and that’s it?”
“You guys could think about having additional individual accounts where a small % of what you earn goes into them so you can cover costs like these.”
“My missus and I put 70% of our incomes into a joint account, and we keep 30% for ourselves.”
“All this, to say, he should be paying from somewhere where your finances are not connected. NTA.” ~ majoombu
“If you’re already at the joint finances stage, then you should also be invited.”
“And he should have been insulted when you were not. NTA.”
“Not even a little bit.”
“You can’t play power plays when you don’t have the money to back it up.” ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
“NTA. You shouldn’t have to contribute to an event that you are not welcome at, but… he must certainly have his own personal money that is not family but earmarked for his personal use?”
“And… I assume you do as well?”
“If not, then I suggest you set that up ASAP.”
“We all need some sort of financial independence.” ~ daysalou
“Take out whatever you put into that joint account, and open a separate account.”
“He doesn’t get to play generous with YOUR money.”
“Especially when you’re being excluded. NTA.” ~ Cat1832
“Absolutely NTA.”
“If he insists on paying, or paying a share, make sure you withdraw an equal amount from your joint account and put it into a separate account just for you.”
“Better yet, tell him he’s being a selfish idiot and enabling his mother’s ill-treatment of you, and that he cannot use joint funds for this.” ~ Alien-lifeform666
“Recently widowed and maintained separate accounts from my husband until his demise.”
“Combining accounts before marriage is not smart, OP. NTA.” ~ Flimsy-Call-3996
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are allowed to have these feelings.
If you can’t go, why should you pay for it?
Giving a little as a gift is one thing, by shelling out a huge amount of money is another.
Hopefully, you and your partner can come to an understanding that makes you both happy.
Good Luck.