As tough as it is to think about, relationships can end at any time for any reason. Often, people try to put the effort in and give a relationship a fair chance.
But a relationship doesn’t stand a chance against certain ideologies, like a person being insecure about their partner’s success, side-eyed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor AfricanPixie was in her late twenties and successful, but when her boyfriend continued to put off marrying her or starting a family with, she decided to break up with him so that her thirties could be similarly successful and promising.
But when she later found out that the whole reason her boyfriend refused to move forward with her was because she was too successful in his eyes, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and hurt.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being hurt by what my ex-boyfriend used as a reason for why he didn’t want to marry me?”
The OP recently broke up with her boyfriend when he refused to move forward with her.
“We have been together for over four years, and I kept asking him about marriage and kids.”
“After he told me he doesn’t see that for us, I ended things because I’m in my late 20s, and I’m not about to waste my early 30s waiting on him.”
“Today, he sent me this [the following text messages].”
“Please keep in mind, I met this man while I was studying, and I always had my goals and aspirations before we even met, and he was well aware of them.”
The OP then received a series of hurtful texts, revealing why her boyfriend wouldn’t take the next step.
After the OP broke up with her boyfriend, he reached out, asking if she wanted an explanation.
When she said yes, the ex-boyfriend texted:
“It’s not like it comes down to one specific thing. One of the big reasons, though, is that I felt less and less important in your life.”
“Call me old-fashioned, but I liked it when you relied on me a little bit, financially.”
“Now you’re making more money than me, you’re traveling the world without me, and you don’t need me for any of it.”
“And what I thought was really weird and off-putting is that you’re still not satisfied with your level of education, which already was way higher than mine.”
The OP was shocked by this reveal.
“Wow, okay. So then what exactly did you want me to do with this information?”
“Okay, so basically, the problem was that I became too independent and successful?”
“You know what, thank you for confirming I made the right call. I deserve a partner who celebrates my growth, not one who’s intimidated by it and sees it as a threat to our relationship.”
“I really wish you luck in finding someone who prefers to stay small.”
The OP’s ex-boyfriend used feminism to insult the OP.
“That is not what I meant at all. What a modern, feminist thing to say.”
“Don’t you think it’s contradicting to say you want to get married and have one to two kids but then to live such a career-oriented life?”
“There’s just nothing romantic about it.”
“I feel like anyone would have understood what I mean, but I think you just decided to hate me now and anything I believe in.”
The OP was insulted by her ex’s comments.
“What the actual h**l? You KNEW this about me when we started dating! I told you I want kids, but I obviously want a career.”
“I am studying Engineering, for crying out loud, do you realy think I am just in it for the fun of it? Honestly, were you always this sexist, or did something change when we broke up?”
“And I don’t hate you, I just hate what you stand for now.”
“You feel more like a man if I need you financially and depend on you, yet you come back and say you don’t wanna get married because I’m after your money. Make up your mind.”
The OP’s ex-boyfriend insisted that his stance on the situation was the right one.
“What I knew is that you wanted to finish studying. Of course you’re not in it for the fun of it, but how are you still not satisfied with where you are now?”
“And what exactly have I said that is sexist? Please don’t use words like that for no reason.”
“Not only have I never said that you’re after my money, but also, I didn’t say you completely have to rely on me financially. It just seemed weird to me that you are still not satisfied in your career and that it doesn’t make much sense, considering you said you wanted to get married and have one to two kids soon.”
“How would you have felt if I told you that I will be going back to studying for who knows how many years, and I’ll be traveling the world without you when I couldn’t even visit my brother without you thinking I’m out cheating?”
The OP was done talking.
“Okay. Believe what seems right to you. I’m done with this conversation.”
The OP’s ex took that response as validation.
“Yeah, unfortunately, that is the response I expected. It’s hard to have a conversation like this when apparently it’s sexist these days to say a man wants to be a provider and feel important in his own family.”
The OP further clarified.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a provider. The problem is when you want me to shrink myself so that you feel good about yourself.”
“My goals and success have nothing to do with your abilities as a man.”
“I’ve had these goals before we even met, and why I want a Master’s or even a Ph.D have nothing to do with you.”
“But like I said, I do hope you find someone who can better fit your needs.”
“I clearly wasn’t that person, and I could never be, because I have goals, which I had way before I met you, and I will not change them because you feel insecure.”
The OP’s ex drew a line that really ended the conversation for her.
“I never said I wanted you to shrink yourself. If you think an unnecessarily high education is what will fulfill you, then that’s okay, even though it’s sad to hear.”
“I’m just letting you know why some attraction was lost.”
“And it doesn’t have anything to do with insecurities, either. There’s just nothing romantic about a family man and a business woman.”
The OP simply said “Ok” and blocked her ex.
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP and shared that they’d left similarly dead-end relationships.
“I knew my marriage was over when my husband threw a tantrum when I earned a huge raise. I had been working for years towards it, and the pay bump was almost 40% compared to the expected 15%.”
“I came home dancing on air. We were going to pay off our debts. We could have a savings account. We could replace the beater he was driving.”
“No. We had been together for 11 years, married for eight, with two kids. I had supported his job hopping on a whim, and he knew this was what we were working towards, as a family. He threw a fit.”
“His face got red, and he yelled at me about how selfish I was. That raise meant I made about $250 more a month than him, and that was disgustingly selfish of me to emasculate him like that.”
“Embarrassingly, it took me two more years to leave. But when I did, that raise also enabled me to be independent and not need child support or alimony.” – Adventurous-Award-87
“My BIL’s father was a malignant narcissist who demanded that his wife not work unless he was employed (he frequently wasn’t because he had no education and was drunk a lot), and if she did have a job, she couldn’t make more than he did.”
“My BIL and his siblings grew up in horrible poverty as a result. Thankfully, my BIL definitely fell far from the tree and is completely NC with his idiot family.” – dr_cl_aphra
“I sacrificed a lot due to my husband’s career, and now I finally have a career that utilizes my PhD expertise. He brags about me to everyone he can. And he LOVES that I make about the same as him.”
“We are also late 40s, and we have the same-aged kids. I cannot imagine having a partner that is such an uninspired dullard.” – CourtOfGlass
“To be honest, my gf makes more money, she has a higher education and she can do more financially than I on her own. I am not threatened by her; I am happy and proud of her! This guy took the red pill so hard he wants that 1950s lifestyle.”
“Let him find a stay-at-home type of gal, you need to find your own happiness. Both of you have two different lifestyles at heart, and that’s okay.” – Cyborgpunkman
“I got called a gold digger because I was ‘looking richer’ than the other women in the family. H**l no. I was working hard on myself and my degrees, and now in a comfortable position.”
“Unfortunately, my marriage turned cold and manipulative when my soon-to-be ex-husband put me down for all the work I’ve done, but sits here laughing and playing video games with no job and won’t find one.”
“That’s a big no to him, and that was a big no to your ex, too, OP. Yay for both of us.” – Impossible-Fox6400
Others reassured the OP that walking away was the very best thing she could have done.
“If they don’t celebrate your wins as their wins, then it’s not love, it’s possession. It’s okay it took you time to leave, because ending a relationship is hard. Unfortunately, when respect is no longer on the table, there’s nothing else to do.” – hopefully8686
“I can’t wrap my head around people like this. Are they just extremely insecure about both their own masculinity and about their value as a partner?”
“My wife earns a lot more than me. It used to be the other way around, but she managed to build a good career eventually. I was the one who mostly stayed home with our children when they were small, so she could achieve that.”
“People like your ex must think the right thing to do would have been to demand that she stay home instead, so I could remain economically on top, even if it would lead to us combined earning a lot less? Is it that important to be perceived as the main economic contributor?” – Bulletorprofile
“For real, he didn’t even want to fully financially support OP. What he wanted was for her to make just a little less than him. His idea of a traditional arrangement is having a working, full-time mother/maid that he can feel superior to by giving her $20 for gas or food once every few weeks.” – MasterfulSheep
“I encountered this a lot when I was younger. Men say they want a strong, independent woman who isn’t after their money. Then, when it’s time for marriage, they want a weak, codependent girl who needs the big, strong man to make all of the scary decisions that the poor girly brain can’t figure out.”
“They don’t come out and say it, of course. Instead, they say things like OP’s ex. The strong career-oriented woman is not what they want.”
“I have a college and graduate degree. My husband has neither. Neither of us cares. He’s very smart. I make about 50% more than he does. Neither of us cares. Rarely comes up.”
“OP, this ex is a weasel. I love that you didn’t tolerate his bulls**t. He tried to use his own insecurities to make you small. Thank you for not taking the bait. There are many better partners out there.” – Glum_Airline4107
“47-year-old female mechanical engineer here…very successful in my chosen field, recognized as a subject matter expert globally. I travel often and all over the world. I have two boys, aged 14 and nine.”
“I’m here to say, you are NOT overreacting. There is a man out there who will shout your awesomeness to the entire world with a huge smile on his face… while supporting your career AND your home life. He will be your biggest champion. He will not be intimidated by your education, career aspirations, or your paycheck.”
“I’m glad you blocked this guy. He was never going to be the right partner for you. You are young; take your time and pursue what makes you happy. I had kids in my mid to late 30s, and I wouldn’t change it one bit.”
“Bust your a** in your 20s and early 30s while you do NOT have family obligations. Make a name for yourself NOW, so you can absolutely hold space for a family later.”
“It absolutely can work, with the right partner.” – firstlast3263
The subReddit applauded the OP for recognizing the problem and taking a major step toward taking care of herself by ending this relationship. It was clear that she and her ex-boyfriend wanted very different life partners, and it was better for them to move on now rather than to live in a lie.