Once a person decides to cheat on their partner, it's very likely that they will do it again.
Especially if they decide to go back to the scene of the crime, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA_LemonadeBery had been supportive of their husband going to another country on a solo trip to get a mental health break the year before, only to later find out that he'd intentionally gone on that trip to meet another woman and cheat on them.
So when he wanted to go to that country again in the new year, the Original Poster (OP) was immediately suspicious and said no to him going, even though he promised that he had good intentions this time.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband that I'll leave him if he goes on another solo vacation?"
The OP's husband broke their trust the year before during a solo trip.
"To give some context: Last year, my husband took a trip to another country under the guise of a solo mental health vacation."
"In reality, he was having an affair and met up with another woman."
The OP refused to support another solo trip after the previous betrayal.
"Fast forward a year. We've both been trying to work on things individually and as a couple."
"Recently, he mentioned wanting to return to that same country, saying he loved it and needed a mental break from work, kids, and finances..."
"He insists his intentions are different this time and promises he's not going back for the same reasons."
"Still, I told him no. I don't feel comfortable with it, and I've made it clear that if he goes, I will leave."
The OP felt like their husband was gaslighting them.
"He thinks I'm being unreasonable."
"So, am I being an a**hole? He's making me feel like I'm just being overly dramatic."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that their husband asking for another solo trip was inconsiderate, as well as a red flag.
"Cheating destroys trust in a relationship, and it takes work to get it back. He doesn't seem to realize the gravity of what he's done if he thinks you'll just shrug your shoulders at another 'solo vacation' when he's using the same excuses as last time."
"NTA. This is a fair deal breaker." - that0neBl1p
"Trust after an affair needs boring transparency, not a sequel vacation. Asking to revisit the scene is wild. OP's boundary isn't dramatic; it's baseline self-respect." - Xleusajan
"NTA. Maybe the place IS really beautiful and he DID really love it, and maybe he really does NOT intend to cheat on you this time. But even if he WAS only going for mental health, he's inconsiderate (at the very least) to go to the same place by himself (supposedly) that he went to when having an affair."
"If the tables were turned, there's no way he'd be okay with you doing that. Both trips were/are for mental health? Yeah, he'd be finding a different place to live when he gets back, so he can permanently deal with his mental health." - Normal_Air7231
"He has a lot of gall to expect that his betrayed wife would be cool with him returning to the scene of his crime against their family. He doesn't sound remorseful, just self-serving. NTA." - FleeshaLoo
"He already used a solo trip as a cover to cheat; of course you don't trust him heading back to the same place alone!"
"If he actually valued rebuilding your trust, he'd plan a vacation with you." - Lazzykittygirl
"If he valued gaining back your trust, then he would have planned a vacation for the both of you, but he got too relaxed, because he feels he manipulated you into forgiving him the first time, and by all means, a second time won't hurt." - Frazzledivy
"Does he not think that OP might want a mental break from work, kids, and finances, too? When does he plan to let OP have the same luxury? Even without the cheating, it's selfish of him to plan multiple vacations only thinking about himself."
"Does he not care that going on a solo vacation means increasing his partner's workload by leaving them to manage everything by themselves? (Or does he just contribute so little to childcare and household labour anyway that his absence wouldn't make a difference?)"
"NTA." - pocketfullofdragons
Others could already see the relationship's finish line.
"Just him asking should be the final nail in the coffin. The affair probably should have ended the marriage, but the fact that he thinks it's cool to go to the same place again speaks volumes about how little respect he has for OP and that he feels emboldened to f**k around again." - The_Nice_Marmot
"I took this desire for a second solo trip to the same place as, first, that he's a cheater, and, second, that he thinks his wife is not intelligent. Same place, flying solo..."
"Offer to get a sitter and go with him. If he says no, leave. Heck, plan to leave now. Please don't stay with a man who disrespects you." - VinnaynayMane
"OP, this should be a case of 'how stupid does he think I am?!' I would be insulted for that alone."
"The fact that he's even suggesting it shows he doesn't care how his actions have impacted your relationship."
"Let him go and just pack his sh*t while he's gone. He doesn't plan on changing; he just wants you to bury your head up your a** about it." - Remote_Bumblebee2240
"100% he will cheat again. And again. And again."
"I watched my dad, who left us when I was six, cheat on a succession of stepmothers over the years."
"My mother laughed at the one he married after her when she left him. He went full man-opause meltdown, surprisingly for a selfish narcissist."
"My mother never bad-mouthed him in front of us kids, but when I was an older teen, she exclaimed, 'He can leave the house for a pack of cigarettes and cheat.'"
"But seriously... OP, anyone thats had that betrayal, all the counseling, talk, etc., never makes it whole again. Every trip, odd phone call, doubt, distrust, every time opens that wound. This guy is red flag alert, blatant." - Altitudedog
"LOL. Sorry, I don't mean to be an a**hole. I understand people can be so blinded by their emotions and manipulations by their loved ones, but this is a pretty open and shut case, OP."
"You can't stop him from going, but you are under no obligation to abide by his incredibly thoughtless, callous, and disrespectful decision. It's a miracle you stayed in the first place."
"Go find someone who appreciates you and adds to your love and your life." - Dependent-Fee-3671
"This is what always happens when you stay with cheaters."
"What did you expect? Do you really think he loves or respects you?"
"He just thinks you're a doormat who won't leave no matter how much he mistreats you. Have some self-respect and leave." - FartMasterChamp
"If he felt any shame at all or remorse, he wouldn't dare to go anywhere without you, much less to the very place that he cheated on you with the same excuse of needing a mental break."
"So he needs a mental break from you? If he didn't flat-out say it, it is all there in his comment because you're not part of that vacation. I mean, what parent gets a mental break from their kids?"
"Wow, not only is he a terrible husband, but he also sounds like a terrible parent. I bet he doesn't do much with the kids or for the kids and is just using that as an excuse."
"Please stop being a doormat." - Ok_Day_8786
"Leave him. YTA if you stay. The fact that he cheated should have had you walking, but the mere fact that he wants to take the same 'solo' vacay and has the nerve to ask for it and then to expect you to be okay with it instead of taking a vacation with you is outrageous."
"He's still cheating. Guaranteed. Just let him go 'solo' around with other women while you start a new, incredible life for yourself and your children. You'll be so much better off, I promise." - North-Addendum7610
"Actually, OP is the AH."
"To herself for hoping that a cheater will stay faithful. Now he's comfortable enough to strike again, and he is guilt-tripping her and gaslighting her. He believes she will cave."
"If she says she will leave, she needs to stick to her guns and actually serve him papers when he leaves." - 0-Ahem-0
The subReddit was left cringing at the fact that the OP had stayed in the first place and gave their husband a second chance to preserve their marriage and their relationship with their kids.
But it was clear to them that the husband was not interested in doing that, especially since he was already ready for his next "solo" trip, which likely wouldn't be very "solo" at all, since he wanted to go back to the scene of the crime.
It seemed to the subReddit that it was time for the OP to finally do what they should have done in the beginning, which was let their husband go on his next "solo" trip and move on to a better life while he was abroad.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.