Once a person decides to cheat on their partner, it's very likely that they will do it again.
Especially if they decide to go back to the scene of the crime, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA_LemonadeBery had been supportive of their husband going to another country on a solo trip to get a mental health break the year before, only to later find out that he'd intentionally gone on that trip to meet another woman and cheat on them.
So when he wanted to go to that country again in the new year, the Original Poster (OP) was immediately suspicious and said no to him going, even though he promised that he had good intentions this time.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband that I'll leave him if he goes on another solo vacation?"
The OP's husband broke their trust the year before during a solo trip.
"To give some context: Last year, my husband took a trip to another country under the guise of a solo mental health vacation."
"In reality, he was having an affair and met up with another woman."
The OP refused to support another solo trip after the previous betrayal.
"Fast forward a year. We've both been trying to work on things individually and as a couple."
"Recently, he mentioned wanting to return to that same country, saying he loved it and needed a mental break from work, kids, and finances..."
"He insists his intentions are different this time and promises he's not going back for the same reasons."
"Still, I told him no. I don't feel comfortable with it, and I've made it clear that if he goes, I will leave."
The OP felt like their husband was gaslighting them.
"He thinks I'm being unreasonable."
"So, am I being an a**hole? He's making me feel like I'm just being overly dramatic."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that their husband asking for another solo trip was inconsiderate, as well as a red flag.
"Cheating destroys trust in a relationship, and it takes work to get it back. He doesn't seem to realize the gravity of what he's done if he thinks you'll just shrug your shoulders at another 'solo vacation' when he's using the same excuses as last time."
"NTA. This is a fair deal breaker." - that0neBl1p
"Trust after an affair needs boring transparency, not a sequel vacation. Asking to revisit the scene is wild. OP's boundary isn't dramatic; it's baseline self-respect." - Xleusajan
"NTA. Maybe the place IS really beautiful and he DID really love it, and maybe he really does NOT intend to cheat on you this time. But even if he WAS only going for mental health, he's inconsiderate (at the very least) to go to the same place by himself (supposedly) that he went to when having an affair."
"If the tables were turned, there's no way he'd be okay with you doing that. Both trips were/are for mental health? Yeah, he'd be finding a different place to live when he gets back, so he can permanently deal with his mental health." - Normal_Air7231
"He has a lot of gall to expect that his betrayed wife would be cool with him returning to the scene of his crime against their family. He doesn't sound remorseful, just self-serving. NTA." - FleeshaLoo
"He already used a solo trip as a cover to cheat; of course you don't trust him heading back to the same place alone!"
"If he actually valued rebuilding your trust, he'd plan a vacation with you." - Lazzykittygirl
"If he valued gaining back your trust, then he would have planned a vacation for the both of you, but he got too relaxed, because he feels he manipulated you into forgiving him the first time, and by all means, a second time won't hurt." - Frazzledivy
"Does he not think that OP might want a mental break from work, kids, and finances, too? When does he plan to let OP have the same luxury? Even without the cheating, it's selfish of him to plan multiple vacations only thinking about himself."
"Does he not care that going on a solo vacation means increasing his partner's workload by leaving them to manage everything by themselves? (Or does he just contribute so little to childcare and household labour anyway that his absence wouldn't make a difference?)"
"NTA." - pocketfullofdragons
Others could already see the relationship's finish line.
"Just him asking should be the final nail in the coffin. The affair probably should have ended the marriage, but the fact that he thinks it's cool to go to the same place again speaks volumes about how little respect he has for OP and that he feels emboldened to f**k around again." - The_Nice_Marmot
"I took this desire for a second solo trip to the same place as, first, that he's a cheater, and, second, that he thinks his wife is not intelligent. Same place, flying solo..."
"Offer to get a sitter and go with him. If he says no, leave. Heck, plan to leave now. Please don't stay with a man who disrespects you." - VinnaynayMane
"OP, this should be a case of 'how stupid does he think I am?!' I would be insulted for that alone."
"The fact that he's even suggesting it shows he doesn't care how his actions have impacted your relationship."
"Let him go and just pack his sh*t while he's gone. He doesn't plan on changing; he just wants you to bury your head up your a** about it." - Remote_Bumblebee2240
"100% he will cheat again. And again. And again."
"I watched my dad, who left us when I was six, cheat on a succession of stepmothers over the years."
"My mother laughed at the one he married after her when she left him. He went full man-opause meltdown, surprisingly for a selfish narcissist."
"My mother never bad-mouthed him in front of us kids, but when I was an older teen, she exclaimed, 'He can leave the house for a pack of cigarettes and cheat.'"
"But seriously... OP, anyone thats had that betrayal, all the counseling, talk, etc., never makes it whole again. Every trip, odd phone call, doubt, distrust, every time opens that wound. This guy is red flag alert, blatant." - Altitudedog
"LOL. Sorry, I don't mean to be an a**hole. I understand people can be so blinded by their emotions and manipulations by their loved ones, but this is a pretty open and shut case, OP."
"You can't stop him from going, but you are under no obligation to abide by his incredibly thoughtless, callous, and disrespectful decision. It's a miracle you stayed in the first place."
"Go find someone who appreciates you and adds to your love and your life." - Dependent-Fee-3671
"This is what always happens when you stay with cheaters."
"What did you expect? Do you really think he loves or respects you?"
"He just thinks you're a doormat who won't leave no matter how much he mistreats you. Have some self-respect and leave." - FartMasterChamp
"If he felt any shame at all or remorse, he wouldn't dare to go anywhere without you, much less to the very place that he cheated on you with the same excuse of needing a mental break."
"So he needs a mental break from you? If he didn't flat-out say it, it is all there in his comment because you're not part of that vacation. I mean, what parent gets a mental break from their kids?"
"Wow, not only is he a terrible husband, but he also sounds like a terrible parent. I bet he doesn't do much with the kids or for the kids and is just using that as an excuse."
"Please stop being a doormat." - Ok_Day_8786
"Leave him. YTA if you stay. The fact that he cheated should have had you walking, but the mere fact that he wants to take the same 'solo' vacay and has the nerve to ask for it and then to expect you to be okay with it instead of taking a vacation with you is outrageous."
"He's still cheating. Guaranteed. Just let him go 'solo' around with other women while you start a new, incredible life for yourself and your children. You'll be so much better off, I promise." - North-Addendum7610
"Actually, OP is the AH."
"To herself for hoping that a cheater will stay faithful. Now he's comfortable enough to strike again, and he is guilt-tripping her and gaslighting her. He believes she will cave."
"If she says she will leave, she needs to stick to her guns and actually serve him papers when he leaves." - 0-Ahem-0
The subReddit was left cringing at the fact that the OP had stayed in the first place and gave their husband a second chance to preserve their marriage and their relationship with their kids.
But it was clear to them that the husband was not interested in doing that, especially since he was already ready for his next "solo" trip, which likely wouldn't be very "solo" at all, since he wanted to go back to the scene of the crime.
It seemed to the subReddit that it was time for the OP to finally do what they should have done in the beginning, which was let their husband go on his next "solo" trip and move on to a better life while he was abroad.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.