A marriage, ideally, is a partnership. That may not mean each task or function is shared evenly, but it does mean one partner isn’t doing all the work.
If a partner is just existing in the marriage with minimal or no contributions, it doesn’t bode well for the relationship. It may take years for resentment to build, but it’s virtually inevitable.
A wife fed up with her husband’s lack of effort turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
AdFair8466 asked:
“AITAH for divorcing over my birthday gift?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (40, female) recently hit this milestone (age 40) back in August. I had given a year’s notice to my husband of 20 years that I wanted a party, trip, or something big for my birthday.”
“We do not have financial issues.”
“Two weeks before my birthday, we got in a fight because he said my nail appointment took too long and he said he was going to cancel my birthday trip. It was pure manipulation. Come to find out he didn’t have a trip planned at all, he had only Googled flights.”
“The weekend before my birthday is when we typically celebrate and I was getting ready for my birthday dinner when I saw him laying on the couch and he asked where I was going. I then realized he had no reservations or anything planned.”
“I assumed we were going out. When we go out, we usually order pizza for our kids.”
“It takes me a couple hours to get ready and it takes him about 30 minutes. He ordered pizza for the kids, so I assumed we were going out for the evening since it was the weekend before my birthday.”
“My actual birthday was on Tuesday. On the morning of, he bought me flowers, coffee and a Groupon. Yes, a Groupon.”
“While I was at the gym that morning, he went to Walmart and got coffee and flowers. The Groupon was for a massage at a place I’m already a member, so I couldn’t even use it.”
“I was devastated.”
“He defends his actions and said he had the whole day planned including lunch with my kids that day, but I had already scheduled my own massage. And he said he was going to take me out to dinner solo, but that’s not how I wanted to celebrate.”
“I called my friends and they took me out for drinks instead. I told him that buying a Groupon for your wife of 20 years on her 40th birthday is insulting and I want a divorce.”
“With tears in his eyes, he said, let me make it up to you.”
“A week later was our anniversary. No card, no dinner, no gift.”
“It’s been four months and I bring it up often. I cry and tell him it’s really important that he makes this up. It’s not so much about the gift, but about the effort.”
“He won’t even take me on an actual date night.”
“I’m pulling back to see if he would step up. I usually plan all the date nights, every birthday party , every family trip, etc… I stopped to see if he would be willing to do it for me and the answer is no.”
“I’m very capable of planning my own trip or party. I’m the breadwinner and financially successful, so I can buy myself whatever I want.”
“I just wanted to see the effort from him. He thinks I’m being petty since I’m capable of doing it for myself.”
“I’ve completely pulled back from the marriage and I’m putting zero effort in, but I’m ready to divorce after 20 years of marriage over this. Is it petty to divorce him over this?”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added more details of her marriage.
“Obviously, there’s a ton more to the situation. 20 years is a long time.”
“I’m far from a perfect wife. But I genuinely try to make sure everyone’s needs are met.”
In addition to my four kids, we also adopted my very disabled younger brother. So 5 kids.”
“My husband is a workaholic and always had trouble setting boundaries at work. He was always making sure his coworkers needs were met at the sacrifice of family time.”
“He retired from law enforcement and we bought a business hoping for change. He’s less stressed, but still a workaholic.”
“He’s also on medication that kills his libido. I think he would be happy being celibate and to not be bothered by me asking for sex all the time.”
“I’ve always done something special for his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, milestones. I have taken him on trips that I planned, packed, and paid for—all he had to do was show up. I got his classic car, a ’68 Charger, restored one year for our anniversary.”
“His last milestone birthday (45), I took him on a sold out adult only cruise. I planned every last detail down to care for the kids, pets, covering work, and packed all of his clothes, bought him several new outfits for the trip, booked a hotel for the night before, airport transportation etc… He literally just had to show up.”
“This year, I got new outfits for everyone in our family and took our family pictures. I printed them, framed them, put them in his office. I also deep-cleaned, redecorated, and organized his office. This included many hours of purging and refilling.”
“The man has a home-cooked meal from scratch every night. I’m hypersexual, so he’s never been let down in the bedroom either. I keep my body looking good for him, and I’m not ugly.”
“He’s says he’s just so introverted and peopled out that he doesn’t want to take me out on the weekends, but I think he’s dead inside.”
“I bought a sexy dress for my 40th, and I told him if he won’t take me out in it, someone else will. In response, he basically said he’s well aware of what a wh*re I am.”
“It is a pattern of him doing nothing himself, then messing up my plans if I make any for myself. He sabotaged my birthday a few years ago.”
“I had a boat/camping trip planned that I had been looking forward to all summer. Every last detail and meal were packed along with my 4 kids and their friends, loaded into my car. He said he had a PTSD episode, and he wasn’t in the headspace to go.”
“He abandoned me in my driveway as we were leaving. He fully thought I would go inside and beg for him to go with us as usual, but I didn’t. I got in the driver’s seat, pulled away, and drove to the mountains with all the kids.”
“After pulling back, I’m realizing I do way too much. Every 3-4 weeks, I get all the supplies out when it’s time for his haircut, so all he has to do is sit in my chair.”
“I’ve not offered to cut his hair in months. He looks ridiculous, but will not make an appointment on his own. My friend is a barber, and I have endless IOUs with her, literally free, and he still can’t do it. Man-child.”
“I was 16 when we got together, and he’s 6 years older. I didn’t have a family, so I was absolutely looking for protection. I’m also an extrovert and fear being lonely.”
“They suck the joy out of us, but we stick around for the security and the kids. My divorced friends struggle too. There’s no good options.”
“He was a cop for 20 years, and it caused him plenty of damage. He said he’s willing to go to therapy as long as I find the therapist and make the appointment for him.”
“He had major life changes and has PTSD. He is medicated, but with little guidance from his prescriber and absolutely no therapy.”
“PTSD is real, but his episodes feel weaponized. If it’s something he wants to do, there’s never an episode. If it’s work-related, there’s never an episode. If it’s just for the kids, there’s never an episode.”
“All his episodes are when it derails something important to me or when he’s not getting his way. Then, after raging at me, he’ll say it was PTSD and never apologize. He just says, ‘Are we good?’.”
“If I’m what causes his PTSD episodes, that’s another reason to get a divorce.”
“His birthday is next weekend, and I’m torn between matching his energy and not letting his actions make me into something that I am not. In addition to my full-time job, we also own a business together.”
“If we divorce, we would likely still have to function as business partners.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to feel neglected (NTA) and to want more.
“I have also been married for 20 years. Yesterday, my husband told me, ‘I’ve already ordered your new book.’ I hadn’t asked for it, and I didn’t even know that one of my favorite authors had released a book.”
“He saw it and did it, just like that. You don’t get divorced over a trivial thing; you get divorced over a lifetime of disappointments.” ~ Strong_Bridge9845
“Leading up to my 50th, I too wanted the big trip and celebration, and I didn’t want to plan it. However, a big chunk of life got in the way and it wasn’t going to happen.”
“On my birthday, we went out to dinner, and when we got home, he surprised me with a canvas from one of my favorite artists as a present. I’d been picking up little pieces of hers here and there over the past decade.”
“One night over dinner around a month prior to my birthday, I showed him this canvas from the artist’s Instagram and gushed about it. While I loved it, it was too big (and too expensive) to pick up.”
“Or so I thought.”
“He contacted the artist and planned the surprise. When my birthday came, I was blown away by the thoughtfulness and surprise that he put together after a tough year. It wasn’t the big celebration that I had envisioned, but it far exceeded anything I could have hoped for.”
“OP, it’s not this particular incident; it’s the 20 years of little incidents that added up. NTA.” ~ blogkitten
“My 50th is coming up in January, and I have celebrated with my family every birthday. This birthday I wanted to spend with my husband’s family back in his home country.”
“So he booked and paid for the flights, organised transport. Not only are we spending my birthday there, but Christmas and New Year’s as well, he is also paying for my 18-year-old to come as well.”
“I only have to mention something I like once, and he basically orders it and has it sent to me. Our relationship is not perfect, but he listens to my wants and needs.”
“OP, you’re not divorcing over one birthday or gift; you are just done not being heard in your marriage.” ~ notmycircus2024
“If your husband hasn’t stepped up already, he isn’t going to. It’s the effort that matters, and your husband doesn’t care enough about you to make that happen.” ~ Formal_Hearing6771
“If he steps up now, it’s only to avoid divorce. If she serves papers, he will suddenly step up. Don’t fall for it because it won’t last.” ~ Ok-Heron8017
“It’s not this one event. It’s neglect and disrespect on repeat.”
“Stop participating in the making of your own misery.” ~ Alarmed-Speaker-8330
While the OP framed their question as related to their 40th birthday, it’s clear it’s 20 years’ worth of birthdays, anniversaries, and milestones her husband ignored at the root of the issue.
If her husband is as miserable with her company as he projects, then divorce is best for both of them.