Retirement is something too many people don’t think about.
Being healthy and comfortable in the last stages of life is not a guarantee.
So preparing for it is a priority for many.
But retirement and staying alive aren’t cheap.
So squabbles over who gets the bill can be an issue.
Redditor Routine-Leg7691 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to pay for FIL’s and MIL’s retirement home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Husband (45 M[ale]) and I (45 F[emale]) moved far from our families.”
“We have two kids on the spectrum and have created a good life for ourselves. “
“My family has always been helping financially, while his never gave him/us a dime.”
“M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] have built two houses, one for them and the other for their younger son (who stayed to live close to them).”
“They also bought a car for him and raised/supported his kids.”
“I, on the other hand, did everything myself: raised the kids, homeschooled them, managed all the doctors, maintained the house… so that my husband can build a career.”
“With my family’s money and his skills, he built a good business.”
“And now, 15 years after we left, MIL and FIL (both 65) say that they want to go to a retirement home.”
“Besides being too young for this, they are also both very healthy and active.”
“They just feel like they’d enjoy being waited on and have somebody else clean/cook/care for them.”
“And they are expecting US to pay for this!”
“They could easily sell their house to pay for this, but they want to leave it to their younger son since he’s kind of a deadbeat.”
“Hubby wants to commit to this (he’s sensitive to his mother’s wishes), but I am against it.”
“The way I see it: they already gave the brother one house and nothing to us, they can afford to pay it from their house’s proceedings, but don’t want to, and they don’t even need to be in a retirement home.”
“The fact is, the deadbeat brother will quickly sell their house once they enter that retirement home, so they’d not be able to go back to their house.”
“Hence, they’ll be our obligation for the next 20 years down the road.”
“I am not ready to commit to this since our kids might need a lifetime of (money) support due to being on the spectrum, while bother’s kids are fine.”
“Also, I don’t think this is fair to my parents, who gave us over half a million over the last 15 years without expecting anything in return.’
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not wanting to pay for their retirement home?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA and this is a hill to die on.”
“You have a husband problem, not an in-law problem.”
“Somewhere deep inside, your husband wants the love and attention his brother receives, and your husband may think that this is how he gets it.”
“You and your husband need to be on the same page, and he needs to deal with his parents.”
“It is not fair to make you the bad guy in this situation.” ~ Spiritual_Truth_5152
“Husband needs to understand that paying for their retirement will not make his parents love him.”
“Little brother is clearly the golden child.”
“From one scapegoat child to another, nothing your husband does will ever be good enough for them.”
“It isn’t worth putting yourselves in a bad financial position.” ~ Sharp-Ticket1950
“OP, please listen to the above comment!”
“Do not entertain this for even a moment!”
“If he wants to do this, then let him know that you will be filing for divorce and asking for repayment of the $500,000 your parents invested in his business as part of the divorce settlement, as well as child support and alimony.”
“You and the kids should be his priority, not his parents!!
“They can afford their own retirement!” ~ StandardRaspberry509
“Definitely a hill to die on.”
“Tell your husband that if he does this, you will leave and take the kids and will file for divorce.”
“Then you will find out if he loves you or just wants to take care of his parents.”
“His reaction will tell you all you need to know.”
“If he sides with them, I hope you love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than to be his parents’ caretakers for the rest of your life, because I suspect that’s all he thinks of you.” ~ Successful_Voice8542
“This! Also, the parents could live even longer.”
‘One of my relatives lived to 101, and in the last years of her life, her healthcare costs exceeded $2 million because she developed dementia, also became profoundly physically disabled, and needed 24/7 care from health aides.”
“Her entire estate was exhausted, and family members were on the hook for her care.”
“OP’s MIL and FIL have assets, and those should be used.”
“Their lazy son should get a job and pay his own way!”
“NTA times a million!!! “
“There is great advice in this thread, and OP and her husband should consult a financial planner and an estate lawyer to plan for their own retirement and ensure that OP and the autistic children would be financially secure in the event of her husband’s death or a divorce.” ~ Leading-Knowledge712
“Tell your husband, before he pays for his parents’ retirement home, he can pay your parents back the over half a mil he had off of them.
“Once that is paid, then he can pay for his parents’ retirement home alongside his divorce.” ~ Expensive-Milk1696
“If I were in your place, I’d tell him that he has to pay your parents back every single penny before he gives his parents a penny.”
“From how I see it, if he is so financially stable to be paying for his parents, who is paying for their younger son?
“He would be financially stable to pay back everything he took from your parents.”
“And I have honestly been in your place multiple times.”
“My parents help us every now and then, while his parents never helped us financially, even during our worst. “
“So every time my husband starts talking about how he wants to give money to his parents for one thing or the other, I make it a point of reminding him that if he has so much money to help his parents, we should pay back my parents too.” ~ Poetryinsimplethings
“Not just pay back too, pay back first.”
“Debts are an obligation before gift-giving can be considered.”
“My parents lent us a lot of money when we bought our house.”
“I kept a spreadsheet to track payments back because the loan was great, and interest-free, but the money wasn’t ours and should be returned to them as soon as we had it.”
“That’s what a husband should do.” ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
“Tell your husband that if he’s going to do this, he needs to pay your parents back the money they’ve given you, plus an extra 50% as interest/a bonus.”
“Then, he has to set up a separate account in your name over which you have 100% control and put money into it equivalent to double whatever he has to pay his parents for their lifestyle.”
“See what he says then.” ~ PiquePole
“If the situation were the same for me and my husband told me he was going to give them money, I would serve him divorce papers.”
“Husband is sensitive to his mother’s wishes? Tough s**t.”
“Your wishes take precedence.” ~ Hungry_Goose492
“Yes, I would divorce over this also.”
“Once he signs and finances their assisted living, it will never stop.”
“If the in-laws never pay a penny, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Some of the fancier self-financed assisted living where I am costs $250K or so buy-in, and then $5 or $6K a month.”
“That’s for full service, all rides included, restaurant meals with wait staff, cleaning, and different levels of care.”
“Memory care is even worse.”
“Husband is trading his parents’ finances for his family.” ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
“NTA. You have a husband problem.”
“I would also find a way of securing funds for yourself.” ~ Lopsided_Ad2082
“NTA and I’d honestly divorce over a financial issue this big.”
“You’re looking at $15k+ a month for them.”
“If they just wanna be waited on, they can go live at an inclusive resort for cheaper.” ~ Comntnmama
“NTA. Time for therapy.”
“Your husband is blinded by a desire for praise from his parents.”
“They haven’t helped at all; they aren’t due anything now.” ~ International-Fee255
“NTA. Is your husband aware of the cost of moving to a retirement community?”
“I’m in the Northeast, and many communities in my area have a buy-in of $500k that gets placed in escrow.”
“Then, monthly fees are $10k+ depending on the level of care.”
“That is a monumental financial commitment.” ~ United_Reason_3774
“NTA. I’d be noping right out of that situation.”
“Your in-laws can take care of themselves just as they have expected you and your husband to do, while they coddle your brother-in-law. Period.”
“Or, they can sell their house.”
“You said BIL already has a house.”
“Why does he need his parents’ house too?”
“Stand strong on this one because your husband might cave, and it doesn’t sound like his parents are worth your time or money.” ~ EfficientSociety73
“NTA. Your husband needs therapy to start to understand his mum is taking advantage and that his brother is the favorite.” ~ Mundane-Run6179
“NTA. Tell your husband you won’t support any of it until he gives back all the money your parents gave him for his business.”
“And keep an eye on your finances just in case he signs something behind your back.” ~ Skipper_2024
“NTA. They’re not too young to move to a retirement community, but those places are expensive.”
“They need to sell their home to fund it.”
“You have your own retirement and possibly care for your children in the future to worry about.” ~ yeahipostedthat
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your in-laws have the money.
They can take care of themselves.
This is extraordinarily selfish behavior on their part.
Like others said… ‘This is a hill to die on!’
Good Luck!