Accommodating certain people’s diets for big gatherings can be next to impossible.
Figuring out all of the cross-contamination possibilities is stressful.
That’s why a lot of people with serious dietary restrictions take it upon themselves to be in charge of their food at events.
Even when everyone is being careful, accidents happen.
Redditor Plantlvr4422 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA? Gluten Free SIL”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hello, I F[emale] 22 am married to M[ale] 23 and I’ll be talking about my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] 20.”
“For context, I love to bake.”
“Every holiday, I like to bring something special for our families.”
“Typically, we spend it with my husband’s family, but sometimes we will change dates around and have holidays a week before when everyone is free.”
“My SIL suddenly decided to go gluten-free last Thanksgiving, a week before she messaged the family group chat asking everyone to change their recipes to accommodate her.”
“I don’t know anything about gluten-free baking and had already had my recipe picked for a month and was excited to make it.”
“I messaged her privately that I was uncomfortable accommodating her, as I wasn’t sure how to safely prepare gluten-free food and didn’t have enough time to change plans.”
“Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but I know gluten allergies and sensitivity can be very specific.”
“Instead of messaging me directly, she started sending TikToks to the family group chat, showing how to prepare gluten-free food and how cross-contamination works.”
“Most of the videos showed people saying stuff like ‘this is why people with gluten sensitivity won’t eat your food,’ and showed a cabinet that had bread in it.”
“Which I do understand, but again- I’m absolutely not prepared to de-gluten my whole house.”
“I responded that I would try my best to accommodate her and switched my recipe just to appease my husband’s family.”
“Thanksgiving rolled around, and I made an actually impressive gluten-free (mostly I think) dish.”
“Everyone loved it – except for my SIL.”
“She made a scene, saying that I didn’t respect her enough, my food was disgusting, and she refused to even try it.”
“I tried not to take it to heart as she can be difficult sometimes, but I definitely left feeling embarrassed.”
“This year, due to the family travel schedule, we had our Thanksgiving three days ago.”
“SIL hadn’t mentioned anything about doing gluten-free food this year, and quite frankly, I wasn’t willing to accommodate her after the scene she made last time.”
“I made a regular dish and brought it.”
“To my surprise, she actually ate it… also to my surprise, about an hour later, she ended up in the hospital. “
“She messaged the group chat claiming I had specifically told her it was safe for her to eat, and I intentionally poisoned her!”
“This is where I really think I might be TA.”
“I messaged her back and told her she needs to get her s**t together.”
“If she wants a special diet, she needs to prepare it herself and not rely on others.”
“I said I never once said my dish was gluten-free, and if you remember the ordeal from last year, my kitchen is not gluten safe in the slightest, plus why would I go through all the trouble to make you special food when you didn’t even eat it last time?”
“Anyways, I’m sick of the back and forth.”
“His whole family is upset with me, and it’s weighing heavily on my husband.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I’m a vegetarian, have been a vegetarian for 40 years.”
“At every family meal, I ask about every dish to see if it has secret meat.”
“It’s my responsibility to check if the Brussels sprouts have bacon or if the mashed potatoes were made with chicken broth.”
“She didn’t ask before she ate.” ~ ImRudyL
“Right? I’m a vegetarian, and I have celiac disease.”
“I asked about everything in case of secret meat and sneaky gluten.”
“I also wouldn’t demand everyone make everything gluten-free because I know that even if people tried their very best, someone would get it wrong.”
“Because it’s tricky to make gluten-free stuff in a regular kitchen when you aren’t used to/already knowledgeable about gluten and cross-contamination.”
“The chances of at least one person making a simple mistake are just too high.”
“It does suck to be ‘excluded’ from big holiday meals to an extent, and I’m always super grateful when the people whom I trust to cook gluten-free for me do so, but it’s still on me to check and ask.” ~ Glaucus92
“NTA. I’m calling shenanigans on this.”
“Even people diagnosed with Celiac disease don’t normally have severe reactions within an hour.”
“It’s not an immediate allergic reaction in the sense of suffering anaphylaxis.”
“If SIL is truly Celiac, then she would be accustomed to taking much more care with what she ingests.”
“Edit for the people who didn’t read or understand my comment: Prudent people who know that they may suffer severe, immediate reactions to foods would remind the family before communal meals, would ask about the ingredients of everything that they intend to ingest, and may bring their own food just in case.”
“I call shenanigans on SIL who did NONE of this. “
“SIL then lied about receiving a warning from OP and accused OP of actively trying to poison her.” ~ CandylandCanada
“NTA, and I’m medically diagnosed gluten-free, not TikTok gluten-free.”
“But this means I ask if I can eat something; I never assume.”
“I really do appreciate it when people advise safe/unsafe.”
“I will also politely decline your food if you show any confusion about handling, emphasis on the politely, and thank you for thinking of me.”
“I would have also brought my own main and sides to share, along with a delicious orange almond cake (unless someone has a tree nut allergy, of course).”
“I will eat your food if the bread is in the cupboard, by the way, it can’t do magic to get into my food.”
“I will not eat your salad if I see you slicing tomatoes on a board you have just cut bread on.” ~ gelfbo
“NTA. I have food allergies and texture issues from Autism.”
“It is not my friend’s or my extended family’s job to accommodate me.”
“It is not my brother’s job to accommodate me as I’m rarely there.”
“It is my job to make sure I have something to eat and drink.” ~ RegretPowerful3
“Not the AH.”
“I have a close family member who has to be gluten-free.”
“We certainly prepare things that work for them, but not the entire meal.”
“Some things just don’t translate well.”
“However, I’ve learned to substitute certain flours in some dishes (example: gravy).”
“They never make a big deal about it, and they aren’t demanding.”
“We ARE aware and avoid cross-contamination.”
“I also point out what definitely is not gluten-free.”
“One thing I do is point out which things should be safe.”
“They go through the buffet line first to avoid cross-contamination.” ~ Technograndma
“NTA, I’m gluten-free, I bring my own food, so I know I can eat.”
“I’ll ask the cook if it’s gluten-free, and if it’s not or they don’t know, I don’t eat it. Simple.”
“If she’s sick enough to go to the hospital if she ingests gluten, she has to be the one who asks EVERY TIME or have a plan B.”
“She’s a big girl.” ~ traceysayshello
“NTA. It sounds like your SIL is a drama queen and did all of this on purpose.”
“It is time to talk to your husband about going low/no contact with her.”
“Whatever you do, NEVER cook for her again.”
“If you do, start printing out full recipe ingredient lists and make sure she reads them before you let her eat anything.” ~ GreekAmericanDom
“NTA. As a parent of a child with a food allergy, she has been raised to clarify what’s in the food she is given, and to not eat any if she suspects it might not be ok.”
“Also, why is your husband not making the food for his own family gatherings?”
“That way he can take the heat if it’s wrong.”
“You can cook for your own family, where your efforts are appreciated.” ~ Firm_Cap5226
“NTA. My sister is gluten intolerant and allergic to milk (protein allergy).”
“My parents will make stuff that’s gluten-free, but she doesn’t expect it from larger family gatherings and will bring some safe food.”
“However, my husband is making an effort to figure out how to make food safe for her.”
“He likes feeding people he cares about and will sometimes stress cook, so the challenge helps channel the energy if I don’t want food.”
“Some of the initial attempts were met with failure.”
“The first attempt at cookies turned into a 9×13 pan layers with chocolate chip cookie dough, peanut butter, and marshmallows.”
“We went over and surprised my sister with it.” ~ WyvernJelly
“NTA – Does she have a diagnosed condition like celiac disease, or is this just a trendy diet?”
“I guess either way, it’s on her to confirm with everyone that their dishes are gluten-free and not just assume that everyone was going to accommodate her requirements in perpetuity.”
“And her lying about you telling her it was safe is definitely out of line.” ~ whatisakafka
“NTA. I’ve been gluten-free for almost 15 years and have never expected anyone to accommodate my allergy.”
“I’m always incredibly surprised and grateful if they do, but if I want something in particular?”
“I make it and bring it myself.” ~ KhaleesiLovesReeses
“NTA. I have a dairy allergy, and I take responsibility for it myself.”
“I don’t expect to be able to eat everything served at a meal I haven’t prepared.”
“It’s fine.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” ~ hello_pilgrim
Reddit is with you 100%, OP.
This is your SIL’s responsibility.
She needs to tailor her meals at gatherings to others, not the other way around.
Placing her hospital stay on you is over the top.
Good Luck.