Content Warning: Toxic and Abusive Family Members, Mentions of Narcissism, Domestic Abuse, and Emotional Abuse
When we feel embarrassed, it’s normal for us to feel bashful or angry for a short time, and to imagine how we could amend the situation.
But when we want to use our anger and retaliate to make ourselves feel better, especially against our loved ones, that is a problem, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor SuddenGlucose had not been close to her mother in a long time, especially since she used her getting into medical school against her.
But when she threatened to drive a wedge between the Original Poster (OP) and her family members-in-law, the OP decided enough was enough.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by going no-contact and skipping Christmas with my mom after she sent me this text?”
The OP had a growing relationship with her family-in-law.
“I am an ER doctor married to another ER doctor.”
“When we first started dating 10 years ago, my future mother-in-law was standoffish towards me, so I confided in my mom about that.”
“But my in-laws quickly warmed up to me, and now we get along really well (my in-laws also work in healthcare, so they get my experiences).”
“My mother-in-law isn’t perfect, though, and still has a rocky relationship with my sister-in-law.”
In the meantime, the OP felt the distance growing between her and her mother.
“I’ve been slowly distancing myself from my mom because she treats me poorly and does not respect the work I do.”
“There’s a lot more to that story, but essentially, she was the only person in my circle who was angry that I got into medical school, because it meant I would move away. Instead of trying to be close to me when she can, she takes it out on me.”
“Whenever I see her, I try to keep things light, but she can’t help but slip something racist, sexist, or medically inaccurate into most conversations with me, which I point out in the moment.”
A recent public interaction led to the OP’s mother lashing out.
“She sent me this text because my husband corrected her medically inaccurate comment publicly.”
“When she lashed out at him, I defended him, which she did not like.”
“She sent me this text later that day.”
You can read the text message here:
“Be very careful [about] stabbing me in the back.”
“I have all the nasty things you said about [mother-in-law’s name, redacted] in my phone, and you weren’t lying! [The OP’s sister-in-law’s name, redacted] told me horror stories about [her] mom, too.”
“Push me any farther, and I will let it fly.”
“Ever since you got married into that extreme left family, you have changed. Or maybe it was how they pushed you into ER, which to me has made you bitter, seeing what you see on a daily basis. [It’s] not for you, I’d say.”
“Whatever happened to the beautiful, athletic, fun, nature girl I raised?”
“When she returns to your body, give me a shout, and do not think for a moment [that] I am the only one noticing this!”
The OP felt torn over what she should do.
“I didn’t reply to her text and haven’t spoken to her since.”
“I don’t want to spend Christmas with someone like this, but I feel guilty because she is my mom.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this was not a person she needed to have a relationship with.
“Mom threatening to blackmail you? You’re NOR at all. It’s tough, but sometimes it’s the ones closest to you that you have to step away from.” – Neat-Significant719
“You’re definitely NOR. Your mom shouldn’t blackmail you; that’s messed up.”
“Also, you’re an ER doctor, so good for you. I don’t know why she wouldn’t be proud of you saving lives, even if she can’t see you as often as she would like.” – Katiescanlon_
“OP should not allow societal expectations of ‘family’ to inform their decision. This belief that all families are sacred, holy entities that should be worshipped is not always true and just leads to unhealthy and even unsafe results.”
‘People shouldn’t be constrained by these silly expectations, and OP should not feel pressure to have to explain their decision to anyone.”
“Loving your family from a distance just means you love and respect YOURSELF as well.” – Enough_Radish_9574
“NOR. You escaped what can only be a bad environment. She should have been proud of you getting into med school, instead of being angry because you moved away.”
“Burn the bridge behind you and let your in-laws know your mother is persona non grata, and it also sounds like she leans way to the Right, if I read that correctly.” – RaptorOO7
“I got a similar threat from my mom, and that’s when I learned that she was NOT a safe person to share stuff with. If you’re obliged to stay in contact, OP, don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t share with someone waiting at the same bus stop with you.” – IHaveNoEgrets
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to do proactive damage control before her mom could release any embarrassing texts or spread rumors.
“OP, distancing is a good thing before she ruins your life. I don’t think rational arguments are going to help with her. You’re better off just ghosting.” – Remote-Tangerine-737
“OP, I hate to say this, but your mom will do this eventually, no matter what you do. Out of hate, out of spite, out of boredom, out of trying to have the upper hand. It’s not you. Just be prepared. NOR.” – TheBookishAndTheBard
“‘Hey, ‘mom-in-law,’ I have a confession. Before I really knew you, and when I was being stupid and young, I said some s**tty things about you to my mom, which I now very deeply regret, and I want to apologize. I’m sorry, and I could not have been more wrong at the time.'”
“BOOM. Power gone.”
“Then tell your mother that you’ve discussed the content of the texts, and make sure to mention that it was reconciled ‘some time ago,’ so it gives her the impression of her threat having no impact on you.” – AZDramaMama
“The mom being a racist, sexist, and someone who spreads medically inaccurate information is not someone who deserves a parental relationship.”
“NOR. Blackmail is just the icing on the person who deserves no-contact cake. Just be prepared for her to follow up on her threat.” – Necessary_Tap343
“She didn’t waste any time coming up with how to punish you for your disloyalty, did she? She had that one in reserve.”
“Is it possible for you to diffuse the situation by apologizing in advance to your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law? You could confess and just say that it was not your best moment, and it’s not how you feel now, and you’re deeply sorry for your catty behavior.”
“And then tell your mother you can’t control what she does, but you can control what you’re exposed to, and a mother who threatens to blackmail her daughter is not worthy of your company any longer.”
“NOR.” – wordsmythy
“NOR, and OP can stem the weight of any potential blackmail by including her in-laws and just letting them know. Momzilla probably won’t want to burn her leverage immediately unless she has a deep reserve.”
“Tell them something like, ‘Hey, my mom is being particularly confrontational and has threatened to use texts I sent her in confidence when we were still getting to know each other and learning about each other’s families. I hope you can give me the benefit of the doubt if she goes out of her way to embarrass people; I don’t condone her behavior, and confronting her about it has led to this hostility. You and your family are important to me.'” – FeralFloridaKid
“You should bring this up with your in-laws just in case, that way they won’t be blindsided by anything if your mom actually does it. And mention it was from back when you all didn’t get along as well, and that whatever was said back then is not how you feel anymore.”
“It could actually be a good bonding moment to just have the conversation. That way, they are fully aware how genuinely INSANE your mom is, and it gives them a chance to know you’ll be needing some extra love and support. I’m so sorry your mom is like this.” – lynnnysa1
“NOR. This text is manipulative, and she’s using threats/blackmail against you, which is a form of abuse. The more she feels like you don’t care or you’re not in her control, the more severe her behavior is going to get, and the more methods she’ll try, to exert her power and control over you.”
“So sorry you’re dealing with this. Be prepared for her to escalate before calming down, but hold your ground and write yourself affirming truths if you need to look at for reminders (to offset the effects of gaslighting she’s trying). And keep your husband and in-laws informed so they can make the best informed decisions and responses they can make when she reaches out.” – knz89
The subReddit was deeply disturbed on the OP’s behalf that her own mother had reacted in this way and came up with this punishment so quickly, referring to incredibly old texts that no longer reflected how she felt about her family.
If this was how the OP’s mother wanted to behave, it seemed that it was good that medical school had created geographical distance, so the OP could take the next couple of steps and create emotional and technological distance, as well.