Finding reliable childcare is never an easy feat.
As parents are looking for people they not only can depend upon but, more importantly, trust with their children when they need to be away.
Those lucky enough to live near their children's grandparents would seem to have guaranteed, reliable childcare.
Sadly, this is not the case for everyone.
The parents of Redditor Cute_Objective_7551l offered to watch her baby so she could get some much-needed rest.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) made a shocking discovery while her child was under her mother's care.
Ultimately, leading her to forbid her mother from ever watching her child again.
Concerned she may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for taking my baby from my parents?"
The OP explained why she no longer felt comfortable leaving her child alone with her parents:
"I (26 F[emale]) have a 4 month old baby: he was born prematurely and had a lot of feeding issues, so I exclusively pump breastmilk for him and we bottle feed him."
"This is great because anyone can feed him but inconvenient for me since I pump 6x a day even in the middle of the night."
"Once my baby was eating well from the bottle and sleeping 3+ hours at a time, my dad invited us to come stay with him and my mom every so often to catch up on some uninterrupted sleep."
"We happily obliged and since then, Thursday nights are spent at their home."
"My dad has historically done AMAZING with my nieces and nephews, so I wholeheartedly trusted him with my baby overnight and his house already had the facilities to keep a baby (safe sleep space, bottle warmer, changing table etc)."
'My mom on the other hand has historically been a bit neglectful to my nieces and nephews so we have kind of universally agreed that my mom is not to watch any of our kids alone."
"I did give her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her to feed the baby and change him."
"Nothing more."
"Well, 3 weeks ago I come downstairs from a shower and my mom is feeding him a bottle that looked suspicious."
"I asked her if it was old and she said no."
'The bottle was hot to the touch."
"I took a pic of it and showed my sister, who said that it was very clearly a bottle of microwaved breastmilk.'
"I got upset but kindly explained to my mom why you shouldn't microwave breastmilk, which is because it can cause fat separation, nutrient loss and burn the baby's mouth severely."
"She said she understood and we kinda forgot about it.'
"A week later, I go to wash baby dishes and next to where she normally sits I find another microwaved bottle."
"I told her more firmly that if I saw it again, I would take the baby and leave."
"Lo and behold, Friday morning I hobble into the kitchen to get pump supplies and when I noticed my son wasn't in the crib or with my dad, I got nervous."
"I went to my mom and found yet ANOTHER microwaved bottle."
"I thought I was crazy, so I took it upstairs to my husband who agreed it was nuked and started packing."
"We went downstairs together and I explained to my parents that we were leaving."
"My mother vehemently denied microwaving the milk and my dad said he had prepared that bottle himself."
"I KNEW someone was lying because my eyes don't lie. I took the baby from my mom and she went in one of her narcissistic rants about how 'I guess I'm just a piece of sh*t'."
"So I told my dad it has nothing to do with him and I love him and we left."
"My dad is extremely upset because he LOVES this baby. It's his first biological grandchild, and they already have a very special bond."
"But I had to stick to my word."
"My mom later admitted to my dad she did indeed reheat the milk in the microwave, and she has since refused to speak to me or take accountability and apologize."
"But she can call my sister crashing out and saying I'm so mean and robbing her of her grandson… sigh."
"My father heated the bottle, my baby did not finish it, and my mother put it in the microwave for her to feed him the rest."
"My dad was completely unaware that she did that, so he is absolutely not the problem here."
"I've always questioned why he stays with my mom and I think it's because they've just been together so long he doesn't know being alone would be better for him."
"He has never actually defended my mom and they don't even sleep on the same floor of the house or sit in the same room together."
"It baffles me, but I will not be bringing baby around if my mom is around, even if it hurts his feelings."
"He can find a way to meet us or hitch a ride down this way, ALONE, if he wants baby time."
"My sister, whom my mom called, didn't defend her."
"All 3 of my siblings and I have our feelings about my mom, and we have all made the same mistakes with her and our kids."
"At the end of the day, even though she is a narcissist and a screw up, she is still our mom and we all want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren, but now for all of us except the one-week-old baby my other sister has, it happens at arm's length."
"It is partly my fault for thinking maybe the sixth grandchild would change something, but you know what they say about hindsight."
"Anyways, AITA here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let her mother watch her son.
Everyone agreed that the as the OP's mother did put her son's safety at risk, she lost the privilege of watching him any further:
"Never leave your baby with your mother again."
"She can't be trusted."
"NTA."- Gigafive
"NTA."
"Don't give in to your mom's tantrum - she proved she will ignore your wishes if she wants to do something different, thus it is not safe to be unsupervised with your baby."
"However, I think you also need to have a chat with your dad - clearly he also thought it was acceptable to lie to your face that he made the bottle, just to protect your mom and keep the baby around - knowing that this is not in the baby's best interest."
"Reevaluate how much you can actually trust his judgement and actions to put baby over his own and your mother's selfish desires."- flinsbird
"NTA."
'I was a childcare provider for years with additional education and licensure in infant/toddler care during those years."
"I live in Massachusetts, and it is strictly against State policy to microwave breastmilk and feed milk in general."
"It's also universally discouraged and not recommended for the exact reasons you stated."
"Milk should be warmed with a bottle warmer or warm/hot water, and should always be skin tested to the touch before feeding."
"Your mother lied, and you did nothing wrong by setting boundaries, even if that means physical separation."
"Your dad loves your baby, but his wife created consequences that he has to accept and either work on with her or accept that you aren't comfortable leaving your baby alone with them at their home as a result of your mother's actions."- rarcham94
"NTA."
"In a situation like this, a first mistake can be forgiven, a second mistake is the time for an ultimatum, and a third mistake is the last straw."
"The whole point of you staying with your parents for a bit was to get a respite from 24/7 baby care, which only works if you don't have to constantly worry about whether your baby is being safely cared for."- Naomeri
"NTA."
"People like her (and children) need to have boundaries and consequences."
"It's the same people who don't think that's fair."- goodurs
"NTA."
"She can't be trusted to not ruin your baby's breast milk and possibly hurt him."
"She keeps doing this even after repeatedly being told to stop."
"She knows what she's doing is wrong and why, and yet she keeps doing it, even when your dad already got it ready."
"Which means that bottle was really gonna be hot."
"She can't be trusted unsupervised, and this is your case in point."- Ashamed-Biscotti650
We all make mistakes, but the only way anyone can learn from their mistakes is to take accountability.
Had the OP's mother done that, she would still have access to her grandson.
Even more tragic, however, is that the OP's mother's deceit also resulted in the OP's father losing access to his grandson.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.