Finances can be the bane of existence for any relationship.
Living with someone and splitting expenses sounds great on paper.
But that paper can often tear.
Not everyone is always pulling their financial weight.
Redditor Pink-princess_- found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her relationship with her B[oy]F[riend], so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for wanting to break up with my boyfriend over money?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (21 F[emale]) inherited a house at 17, and I've really put a lot of work into it."
"It has four bedrooms and two bathrooms."
"I also live on a 6-acre lot and have plenty of room to do anything I want."
"I met my boyfriend (23 M[ale]) a little over two years ago, and we hit it off pretty fast."
"Within a month, we were dating, and he was staying with his parents."
"So, of course, the next step in our relationship was for him to move in with me."
"We keep our own personal bills separate (car note, car insurance, subscriptions, etc.) but try to split everything we share evenly."
"Lately, that hasn't really been happening."
"He makes $90,000 USD, and I make about 14,400 in a year."
"The reason I make so little is that I'm still in school and currently work as an office assistant."
"He's a diesel mechanic."
"I pay at least 100 a week on groceries, and they're normally gone by the next week."
"I weigh about 120 pounds, and I pretty much just graze."
"But I do cook for him because he's always hungry and he constantly complains that we never have any food."
"Meanwhile, he's the one eating the food... lol."
"Our light bill is about 300, and our deal was that I pay for groceries, wifi, and home necessities if he pays the light bill and phone bill."
"I already paid the light bill for last month because after I told him about it, he 'forgot about it,' and the next week the phone bill came in."
"I reminded him again about the light bill while we were sitting on the couch the other night, and he brought up splitting the phone bill."
"I told him sure, and it's been a week later, and I paid my half of the phone bill, and he still hasn't paid me back for the light bill."
"I know I'm not entitled to his money, but I do expect help with the bills if we're going to be living together."
"He just makes me feel so bad after he pays for something."
"Like I cook and clean and split bills with him, and he just acts like a child when it's time for him to pay up."
"What do I do?"
"I'm thinking about breaking up with him because he honestly just stresses me out."
"The majority of my time goes into cleaning and planning meals for him and school."
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"After reading all of this… ask yourself, what does he bring to the relationship?"
"On top of providing him with free housing, cooking, cleaning, and some of the shared utilities that he's responsible for, he's not contributing anything."
"He's taking you for a ride, and you're his new mommy."
"Kick him out and end the relationship because he's taking advantage of you."
"You'd probably be better off leasing a room or two to tenants who will actually pay rent."
"That would significantly support your income while you're in school." ~ jasperjamboree
"NTAH. Yeah, he makes 90 thou and lives at home?"
"And now he can't keep up with some responsibilities like paying monthly bills?"
"What is he spending his money on?"
"He should have been buying the groceries, since he was eating the majority of the food."
"He either needs to pay up, or he's out."
"He's free-loading on a student with a small yearly income, and that is incredibly selfish."
"Tell him to go back to his mommy."
"He's obviously not grown up yet." ~ Specialist-Jello7544
"You should be charging this man rent on top of splitting bills."
"You're in a great financial position with a paid-off house, don't let a leech drag you down."
"He's taking advantage of not having to pay rent anywhere, particularly when his salary is 6 times yours."
"Unbelievable - I would show him the door if he thinks this behaviour is okay." ~ throwaway63464748
"Exactly, and it's so easy for him, now he wants you to be his mommy and pay the bills for him too."
"You'll be way better off single!"
"You don't need to be taking care of a man, especially at 21."
"Go have fun, sister!" ~ cathalizabeth
"Don't let him pay rent, OP!"
"Depending on where you are, this might give him tenants' rights."
"Just kick him out and break up with him."
"You caught yourself a leech." ~ willow_star86
"He's a bum!"
"He's living in a house for free; he should be paying ALL of the bills."
"Kick him out and be single and find out who you are."
"This man is making about 80% MORE than you, and he's whining about a few dollars!"
"Whew, I could cuss!"
"Give that man his pink slip and send him packing back to his parents' house." ~ whoisyaya
"He's a hobosexual, and he's using you."
"He needs to ship out."
"You deserve better." ~ kerill333
"This! Girl, he saw a woman he could take advantage of."
"He should be buying food."
"Why isn't he cooking?"
"Does he clean?"
"If anything, you should see what it costs to rent a one-bedroom and charge him half that."
"He should be giving you a set amount monthly for bills as well."
"Phone, groceries, and utilities."
"For example, if your water bill doubled, he should pay half."
"And if he gives you grief?"
"He knows where the door is."
"Personally, I'd drop the dud and not tell the next guy you own a home." ~ beerab
"Honey, show him the door."
"You're too young to be this stressed out."
"Get some roommates for those extra rooms and get yourself a nice, fat savings account."
"You have plenty of time for a relationship, and someone more mature and a better partner will come along at the right time."
"Focus on YOU!"
"I'm cheering for you." ~ SShock2020
"This 👆👆 a thousand times."
"You are so young, and it may not feel like it, but you have many years ahead to find the right one who will respect and adore you." ~ ladyforross
"Are you sure he really makes $90,000 a year, because that is a lot of money for someone twice his age, but for 23, I find it hard to believe."
"Everything you describe sounds like someone who has no money and is relying on yours to get by."
"He may be a 'hobosexual'"
Someone who enters into a romantic relationship purely to secure a place to live."
"If his money is real, then my God!"
"That would make the situation far worse!"
"I'm not sure what the way forward for you is, but have a talk with him first to see if this might be a miscommunication."
"If not, then maybe you should end the relationship."
"He doesn't sound good for you."
"I wish you luck." ~ HugeDrawer5600
"NTA, he is more of a burden than a blessing and sees you as his free ride." ~ chapteronetwo
"NTA."
"One: He is NOT making $90k in a year at just 23 as a diesel mechanic."
"He has lied to you. Period."
"Two: He is NOT acting like a child."
"He IS ONE."
"He wants to live rent FREE, responsibility FREE in YOUR house."
"You don't have a boyfriend."
"You have a literal child in your house."
"Send him back to his mommy."
"Three: Get a new boyfriend who actually respects you and shares responsibilities/expenses/everything equally with you." ~ vdritz
"NTA, as they say, you never really know someone until you live with them."
"I suggest talking about it first, don't set up an ultimatum, but something of the sort -- just tell him how it stresses you out, how it's disrespectful, and that you won't take him 'forgetting' to pay his share of the bills any moment longer."
"That'll give him a hint, and if he breaks your deal again, then he can't claim to be surprised if you decide to dump him." ~ Radiant_Pain7025
"You're better off renting two bedrooms and making some money with that house."
"He's a grown man and can buy his own food and make his meals."
"He's really taking advantage of your situation. "
"In the future, don't disclose that the house is paid off, and don't let anyone just live there for free." ~ PsychologicalNose197
"So he pays $300 a month (sometimes) to live in your large home and have you cook for him?"
"Girl… NTA."
"Have one more adult conversation about a FAIR split of expenses, including rent, and if he balks, send him back to his mom." ~ thebabes2
"NTA, and you have a mooch!!!"
"You need to start making him pay for the food he eats, and when he starts b*tching then you need to tell him to move out."
"NTA, he is totally taking advantage of you financially, and I bet you do 100% of the housework too."
"NTA, he needs to step up or get out!!!"
"Grow a spine, you deserve better." ~ Vaaliindraa
"He's completely taking advantage of you and preying on your nature."
"He's completely benefiting from being difficult, and you're letting him skate."
"You teach people how they can treat you, unfortunately." ~ lsu444
Reddit is with you, OP.
Time to hit the road, Jack.
This is your home.
You can try to fix things, but it may not be the best choice to legally put his name on the house.
Be careful and good luck.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.