Some people just can’t help but be attention hogs.
They attend all major events and pull focus.
A lot of people just deal with this behavior.
But sometimes a person is pushed a step too far and feels they have to speak up.
The kind of truthful conversation doesn’t always go over well.
Redditor Kawai_Guava wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for accusing a friend of purposefully trying to upstage every bride, including me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hi all…”
“Genuinely curious if I am in the wrong here and should have kept my mouth shut.”
“Some context:”
“My (ex) best friend from high school, let’s call her Sally (currently 39 F[eamle]), has always been a bit of a show-off.”
“She’s a beautiful woman who pursued a musical-theatre career and is very talented, so I get it to some extent.”
“She gets work from being noticeable.”
“However, she did earn some raised eyebrows at my wedding several years ago.”
“As a struggling actress, she warned me in advance that she would not be able to afford a gift.”
“I was fine with that, as many friends were in the same boat, and I was happy to accept gifts in the form of help with the prep or anything handmade to remember the day by.”
“Many helped me with decorations, one made adorable Fimo cake toppers, another offered free photography, etc.”
“It was quite a small, D[o] I[t] Y[ourself] wedding, as we were young and had a tight budget.”
“Not only did Sally not offer to help or gift anything, not even a card with a note, but she showed up at my small, country, backyard wedding at my mom’s house as if she were attending the Oscars.”
“I’m talking floor-length, bedazzled dress, giant faux-diamond jewelry (all brand new), full face of professional makeup, and bright-red hair styled in a huge, puffed faux-hawk.”
“She even bragged about how her look had cost her $500+, days of planning, and hours of work.”
“By comparison, I was in a short, raw silk dress off Etsy, my vintage shoes were ‘graffiti’ decorated by an artist friend, and my bouquet was made of music sheets and burlap.”
“Very country casual, which Sally was very much aware of.”
“Anyway… my bridesmaids, family, and I were a bit ‘WTF?’ back then, but let it go and enjoyed the day.”
“For several other reasons, Sally and I are no longer close.”
“Fast forward to recently: we’re coming up to another mutual friend’s wedding where I am a bridesmaid, and again she’s pulling the ‘I have no money for a gift’ card.”
“However, she also stated that she cannot attend any bachelorette/wedding shower events because she needs to get a bunch of spa treatments and shop for her ‘wedding look.'”
“Though it’s been years since my wedding, I kinda snapped when Sally said this and took her aside.”
“I reminded her that she’s not the bride and her focus should be on being a good friend via actually attending these free events and/or using some of that primping money on a gift for the new couple.”
“We’re almost 40 now, and her prioritizing looking hot has long since become sad.”
“I don’t want her pulling the same crap she did at my wedding and trying to literally outshine our friend on her big day.”
“Of course, I was accused of being jealous.”
“But Sally also showed a more human side in admitting that dressing up is a passion of hers, and these big friend events, which often include her ex-B[oy]F[riend] (who is now married and has a baby with his incredibly beautiful new wife), are hard for her.”
“I immediately felt bad.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, dear internet, AITA for bringing this up?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Whoa, I hope she knows she isn’t ‘revenge dressing’ for her ex, she’s making him glad he dodged a bullet every time she acts this way.”
“NTA. It is sad that at 40 she needed to be told this.”
“Usually, people can figure it out by that age.” ~ Stunning_Patience_78
“I can almost guarantee everyone at these events is rolling their eyes hard about her, and especially after seeing it more than once, thinks she’s pathetic.”
“Nobody is impressed by this sort of thing.” ~ Gibonius
“Exactly. I’m sure she thinks she’s getting revenge like Princess Di.”
“But Diana’s revenge dress was in the immediate aftermath of Chuckles admitting to cheating, AND it was appropriate to the event she wore it to.”
“It’s clearly been years since Sally and this ex broke up, and her fashion looks aren’t event-appropriate.”
“It’s just… sad.”
“And spending hundreds on her look, but not getting even a card for the couple?”
“AND TELLING EVERYONE?”
“Tacky AF!” ~ br_612
“NTA. This is crappy behavior as well as absolutely selfish.”
“Spending $900 on your outfit for another person’s wedding but being too cheap to even get them a card or a present is something – just no.”
“You told her the truth – I would also warn this friend just in case, so that they won’t be surprised at their wedding by that.” ~ Trevena_Ice
“I’m gonna say NTA.”
“I think she needed to hear it.”
“Boo hoo on it being a mask of her actually feeling insecure.”
“You told her the truth: your friend’s wedding day is not about YOU.”
“Wear a dress you already have, do your own makeup, show up with a modest gift, and celebrate your friend’s special event.”
“ETA: your wedding, and how your other friends participated, sounds lovely.” ~ ElleArr26
“NTA. She’s a narcissist; that’s how they function.”
“She got called out for it, spun it around on you with some sob story, now you feel bad.”
“If she struggled with her ex so much, she wouldn’t go.”
“She would rather be the darling of the ball at any cost. Narcissist.” ~ Esham
“NTA. Even her response on why she dresses up focuses on her feelings and her passion, not her actions or how she makes others feel.”
“Her ex is there to celebrate the couple.”
“She’s there to… get attention from her married ex…?”
“I highly doubt your conversation will make any substantial difference, but at least now she can’t claim ignorance if she does it again.” ~ Frozenblueberries13
“So basically, to make herself feel better and to be able to attend events where her ex and his beautiful wife are, she needs to upstage the bride?”
“Sally seems incredibly shallow.”
“Spending hundreds on yourself to look good when you could put half of it toward getting a gift for the newlyweds or even gifting her time is again, shallow and selfish. “
“Why even bother to invite her if this is her M[odus] O[perandi].
“OP, if you didn’t say it, someone was bound to, and probably not as nicely as you did. NTA.” ~ Different-Contact-50
“NTA. I might have felt bad too, the facts, however, are that she continues to spend a lot on herself for one day yet has no money for a gift, and seems not to be able to find a compromise and get something small, nor the time for pre-wedding events.”
“That’s not what a (good) friend would do.” ~ QuestionWestern8423
“Outshine? She sounds like a tone deaf fool.”
“I mean, who does that?”
“NTA, but I’d let her go ahead and make a fool of no gift self.” ~ Gotholithicgirl
“Of course, you are NTA.”
“All of Sally’s family/friends need to be calling her out for this selfish, immature, and frankly pathetic behavior.”
“Maybe she would have learned not to find her value in her (now fading) looks.”
“And not giving a gift?”
“This is so low-class.” ~ underwater_owl
‘NTA. Sally’s passion should be supporting friends on their special day, not making a spectacle of herself, which she thinks will engender pity.”
“The attempted guilt trip on you is transparent and pathetic.”
“She probably had that comment in the can, ready to go, when someone inevitably called her out on her bad behavior.” ~ CandylandCanada
“No. NTA.”
“Weddings are not a time to think about YOUR wedding look, it’s about the Bride and Groom, and needs to stay that way.”
“If Sally cannot give up being the center of attention for someone else’s day, she needs to stay home.”
“As for trying to get her ex B[oy]F[riend]’s attention.”
“He’s clearly moved on and is happy with his decision.” ~ FellowScriberia
“NTA. If spending days primping and prepping for a look that is absolutely not appropriate for the venue or dress code is more important to Sally than to actually be a decent guest, then she needs to stop going to these events.”
“She hurt you by her actions years ago, and you may have said what you said in anger, but you’re giving her feedback on her hurtful behavior just as she’s gearing up to do it again and hurt another friend.”
“These things can be hard for her, but that doesn’t give her a free pass to act so outrageously at an event meant to shine a light on the bride and groom and not the over-the-top guest.” ~ EquivalentTwo1
“NTA. Your ex-friend is a self-centered narcissist, to say the least, and you were right to call her out.”
“There is no reason she needs to look more glamorous than the actual bride.”
“She just wants attention.”
“And that’s pretty pathetic at 40 years old.”
“Her being sad about her ex is a bs and manipulative excuse.”
“Do not feel bad, you did nothing wrong.”
“I really can’t stand people like her.” ~ SillyTugboats
“NTA, but also you need to warn her that if she goes way out, she will look ridiculous, not beautiful.”
“Her ex will be glad he left her.”
“I always dress up for weddings because it is fun and you hardly ever get a chance to look that good, but you have to go according to the vibe.” ~ JullabyBye
Reddit is with you, OP.
You told Sally some things she needed to hear.
It’s sad that she feels she has to act this way.
Dressing up as a passion is fine, but the rest is rude.
You may have been a touch brusque, but she seems to have heard you.