Content Warning: Bullying, Child Abuse, Child Protective Services
A child’s safety should always be made the number one priority, no matter what.
But sometimes people put other things, like social appearances, ahead of a child’s needs, judged the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Such-Analyst-4132 gained full custody of her son after her ex’s stepchildren physically abused him.
When the ex’s family pressured the Original Poster (OP) to still bring her son to a family celebration, she refused because the stepchildren would be in attendance.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not allowing my son to go to his paternal grandparents anniversary BBQ because his father’s stepchildren will be there?”
The OP’s son went through a lot before she could get full custody.
“I (33 Female) have a seven-year-old son with my ex (35 Male).”
“Almost a year ago, I was given full custody of our son and my ex was awarded supervised visitation. The reason for this was the abuse our son was suffering at the hands of his father’s stepchildren (12 and 13).”
“This was a very difficult battle to win. It started three years ago when my son came home from his father’s house, and my ex announced he’d gotten remarried over the weekend, and he wanted me to pay half toward the clothes he bought our son for the wedding because they got ruined.”
“Of course I didn’t pay half, but I did ask why he expected me to pay and why the clothes were ruined. He said he felt like we should split the cost of big items like that. Then he refused to answer how they got ruined.”
“Later that evening, when I was bathing my son, I noticed some bruises on him, making me suspicious. He mentioned his arms hurt and that the big kids had done it.”
The instances of physical assaults against her son continued to pile up.
“A few weeks later, my ex called me and asked me to come and calm our son down. He said our son was hysterical, and he had been unable to calm him.”
“When I got to his house, our son was still crying and wanted to come home with me.”
“My ex’s wife said one of her kids had accidentally stepped on my son’s foot, and my son got scared. But I could hear one of her kids in the background calling my son names and saying they wanted to shut him up.”
“Over time, things got worse. There were more bruises and more days where my son would get very upset at his dad’s house.”
“I spoke to my ex, who said his stepkids were taking it bad that their mom had remarried and that they had lost their dad only four years prior, and it was difficult for them.”
“He said he and our son weren’t their favorite people. But he said it wasn’t a big deal.”
“I decided to document these incidents and injuries anyway because it appeared to me my ex was not concerned and our son could be at risk in his home.”
The evidence continued to appear, including an incident in a garage.
“As my son got bigger, he’d verbalize more and more about what was going on. The stepkids treated him like s**t and were not embarrassed or ashamed to be rough with him. He’d get pushed and grabbed, and a lot of ‘accidents’ were happening.”
“I put in a few calls to CPS and they started to offer resources. It p**sed off my ex, but I was worried for my son. The verbal incidents weren’t on CPS’s radar really, but the physical stuff, they also documented, and some of my ex’s family had witnessed things and a few even sent me run downs about what happened.”
“The incident that brought us to me getting full custody was my ex and his wife leaving the three kids home alone for hours together, and the stepkids dragged my son out of the house and locked him in the garage on his own where all the dangerous tools were held.”
“My ex tried to fight for his right to retain custody, but CPS and the judge agreed it was not safe for our son. The reason he only gets supervised visits is his stepkids are not allowed around my son.”
When a family celebration came up, the OP knew she and her son couldn’t be a part of it.
“My ex’s parents are celebrating their wedding anniversary next month, and they want my son there. But my ex and his family are invited and will be attending.”
“I told them I could let them do something with him another time, but if the stepkids are there, my son won’t be.”
“They, along with my ex’s oldest brother, feel like I’m being unfair and too strict and not trusting them to keep my son safe. But he wasn’t in the past. I know that for a fact.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the ex’s family had not kept the OP’s son safe in the past.
“I would be honest and tell them, ‘No, I don’t trust you to keep him safe. You didn’t in the past. And per CPS, those kids are not allowed around my kid.'” – AdLive6745
“Nobody kept your son safe! You’d be irresponsible to let him go. They are embarrassed because people will question his absence and find out what a shit father their son is.” – Square-Minimum-6042
“OUTSIDERS to the family abused a small child who was their blood relative, and the whole family should have been up in arms about this new wife and her sicko kids taking a place in the family like everything was fine and normal.”
“You don’t trust them to keep your child safe because they have an established track record of not keeping your child safe. They’ve literally chosen the appearance of family unity over what’s best for your child.”
“This is not overreaction, and it’s not sour grapes. They’re under-reacting if anything, and why would anyone support traumatizing a child?” – Organized_Khaos
“They chose not to maintain a relationship with your son outside their relationship with his father and his step-kids. So they have already shown you that your son is not a priority.”
“If your son were my nephew, cousin, or grandchild, I would have read your ex and his new wife for filth. Involved other family members in a campaign to have the ex and his new family excommunicated.”
“I might have had a few of our not so ‘little ones’ teach those brats a valuable lesson in keeping their hands to themselves.” – Selena_B305
“I would challenge the word choice of ‘allow’ or ‘let’ him go. In reality, I very much doubt he wants to. Which means it’s really ‘force him to go.'”
“The kid’s clearly old enough to have an opinion about if he wants to go or not.” – mxzf
Others cautioned the OP that she could risk everything by allowing her son to attend.
“OP, if you do let him go, it will give your ex and ex’s family ammunition to use in court against you. They could argue that you think he’s safe there now, or that you knowingly put him in harm’s way, which could land him back in your ex’s care or in foster care.” – StillStaringAtTheSky
“OP, please listen to me. CPS decided my ex wasn’t safe around my kids. I didn’t think they were serious. It took me FOUR months to get my kids back from foster care.”
“I had full custody, but I had endangered my kids by agreeing to let her have unsupervised visitation. I’m not making excuses, I f**ked up.”
“But CPS can and will remove kids from a dangerous situation even if the custodial parent is okay with something else. Don’t risk it. I’d even document that they are pressuring you.” – Responsible-End7361
“CPS worker here. Don’t allow him to go unless someone you trust has him with them the entire time and unless your kiddo has a way to contact you if he wants to come home.”
“You’re the protective parent, and your ex has been found neglectful and unwilling/unable to keep the kid from harm.”
“I’d honestly call the social worker and ask for their advice so you have your answer from them officially, and so you can have this on record.”
“Does he even want to go? Could you attend with him? Connection to his family is important, just not as important as his safety.”
“I also hope your ex sh*ts himself every time he sneezes for allowing this to happen and brushing it off for so long.” – Strange_Depth_5732
“Restraining orders require both parties to abide by them. OP cannot send her son to a place she knows will have those kids there.”
“Or they all risk the poor abused son going into foster care, and the vindictive dad would attempt to use it as justification for custody.”
“OP, your ex’s family are not your friends, and you need to remember that.” – Patient_Dependent312
“The OP needs to think about CPS AND the judge.”
“Given that the judge said the father can only have supervised visitations, this is a court order. If the father and his family are trying to make the son go to this gathering and arrange it under the table, that would be a violation of said order, and dear old Dad would be in contempt of the order.”
“I think all of this needs to be said. OP can also ask her ex if he thinks fines or jail time for defying a judge is worth pushing this. Especially since it’s clear he and his family still don’t give a rat’s a** about his son’s safety.” – Square_Activity8318
While it would usually be wonderful for a child to have as many loved ones in their life as possible, family members should not be kept in the picture just to make the count higher.
By not keeping the OP’s son safe and by still defending the stepsiblings’ behavior by including them in these activities, the OP’s ex-family was making a decision that did not include the OP’s son or his safety.