Your friendship may look different from either side of the relationship. To you, it may be a general friendliness. To them it might be something more.
Redditor Ok_Muscle4328 has some differences of opinion with his friend and their relationship. The original poster (OP) is moving out and it’s causing some issues.
OP thinks he might be wrong for how he reacted, but isn’t sure. He decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about his problem moving out.
And what went down between OP and his friend.
“AITA for going off on my roommate in front of her son?”
What did OP say to his friend?
“I 25M(ale) live/lived with my roommate ‘G’ 28F(emale) and her son ‘H’ 13 for 4 years. When I moved in I made it clear that I have school and work I need to focus on and that I wouldn’t be available to help out much with her son but that if she needed a sitter or a break and I was available I’d try.”
“I and H got along well. I’ve been told numerous times that he sees me as a role model and a father figure and I’ve as kindly as possible, explained that this made me uncomfortable. I’m not a role model.”
“I guess G hadn’t gotten the memo because she went on a tangent about him looking up to me, she’s asked me to stop smoking (cigarettes, I don’t do drugs at the home) and to stop swearing.”
“I told her that I pay rent as well and I’m allowed to smoke in my room on my balcony. I would respect her wishes and not cuss in front of him if I could help it.”
“I started seeing ‘A’ 23F last October and we decided to plan to move in together (things are going super well). G has started treating me differently saying that I’m risking a lot for someone I hardly know and that H will be heartbroken to find out I’m replacing him.”
“I’ve tried to be civil but I’ve just resorted to grey rocking her because it’s gotten to be a lot. A and I are in the moving stage of things and we were moving out of my room this weekend.”
“G sent H into my room to tell me that he was sad I was leaving. I told him I was too, but that I was headed to the next step in my life and that I was excited to start this journey.”
“He cried a little and hugged me and said he’s gonna miss me but that’s he’s happy with me and for me. I then gave him some of my old games and my old PS4 so we could game together online.”
“He went and showed his mom and she came into the room calling me a dick and saying that gifts weren’t gonna make things better and that I’m just walking out of his life and treating him like nothing after so long. She said he damn near grew up with me around and that I’m throwing him away for some broad.”
“I was fed up and told her to get the f*** over herself and that her kid is more mature than she is. That I’m not his dad and she’s not gonna guilt me into staying when I don’t want to.”
“She started crying and left the house for a couple of hours. H apologized on his mom’s behalf and I told him it wasn’t his fault and that I wasn’t mad at him.”
“A thinks it was a little f***ed up of me to go off on her in front of her kid and that I could’ve said something later. G hasn’t spoken to me since then and H said he’s just embarrassed about it.”
“Some of my friends think I went too far yelling at her in front of her son and that there’s a time and a place.”
OP is trying to move on with his life, but his soon to be former roommate thinks he should reconsider. Their disagreement evolved into a fight that she thinks he should have kept between them, instead of having it in front of her son.
On the other hand, OP thinks he tried to keep it civil, and the roommate pushed it too far.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for arguing with G in front of her son by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board considered that OP had really tried to be civil and set boundaries this entire time. It seems like OP is really moving out because of G’s consistent invalidation of his limits.
So when G tries to make OP’s relationship with H into something it isn’t, it’s natural he’d get upset. And if G wanted to keep things quiet in front of her son, she should have listened to OP from the start.
OP was judged to be NTA for blowing up on G in front of her son.
“NTA. And honestly I don’t think it’s that bad that you did it in front of her 13-year-old teen. It might even help him understand the nuances of friendship and father figures that are not fathers.”
“The fact that you gave him the PS4 and will be playing games online with him probably stuck with him far more than this fight between you and his mom.” – EggandSpoon42
“NTA it sounds like your relationship with H is exactly as it should be, a trusted adult in his life. It’s unfair of your roommate to expect you to indefinitely live with them with your life on hold.” – Flat_Lengthiness_319
“Yeah, NTA at all. Roommate seems super weird and out of touch with reality, or just very entitled.”
“OP and roommate were just that…roommates. It seemed as if OP’s roommate was in some sort of delusional fantasy that she could somehow guilt OP into being a permanent father figure for this child, when he had no involvement in creating the kid or had any previous romantic relationship with her either.”
“The fact that OP ever agreed to change his behavior, be there for her son and babysit shows he went wayyyy above and beyond already.” – Dauntless-One
“you’re so sweet, NTA. You’re right that there’s a time and a place, but it’s literally your apartment, so it is your place, and she started the confrontation, so it is the time.” – sentienthammer
“You handled it with the kid excellently, and your old roommate saw her manipulation tactic failed, so she decided to confront you in front of her son. If she didn’t want you to react in front of her son, she shouldn’t have started that conversation in front of her son.”
“You made no promises to stay there forever, and you didn’t adopt that kid. It was nice of you to give him the system and tell him you’d still play online with him.”
“I think you handled it as well as you could have, given the circumstances of the confrontation.” – jammy913
However, not everyone was so quick to write off what happened. While no one really disagreed that OP was wrong, they did think it was important to look at the relationship between G and OP.
OP set very clear boundaries and continued to reinforce them, but G kept acting like OP was something he wasn’t.
Is it possible G thought this was going somewhere it didn’t?
“My guess would be that G had either grown attached to you, was using you as a surrogate father for her child or projecting abandonment issues with her child’s father on to you.”
“None of those are your issue though.” – mdthomas
“NTA: Though, I do think that G might have romantic feelings for you, hence why she blew up at you.” – reddustrose
“This was 100% my thought too. She had a man in the house who was polite to her and her son, helped pay the bills, and seemed like a good guy.”
“Now that he’s leaving, she feels like her ‘partner’ is leaving her and feels a certain way about him that isn’t normal in this situation.” – crystallz2000
“What did she expect? You literally said you didn’t feel comfortable with being a role model or father figure to her son. That should have been the end of it.”
“Seems like she was trying to force you into a father role, and then guilt you when you began moving on with your life. You are right, her son was more mature.”
“I’m honestly curious if she thought something romantic would bloom between the two of you, especially since her son liked you? Idk.” – ThrowAwayCatBalloon
The final decision was that OP wasn’t wrong, and H handled the situation well. G needs to look at her expectations and realize she shouldn’t put these kinds of ideas on someone who didn’t want them.
OP wasn’t going to always be around, and G needs to accept that.