Content Warning: Addiction, Sobriety Journey, Pawned Family Heirlooms
We all make mistakes in our lives, some of which are pretty hard to come back from and make up for.
That can be especially true if we’re going through something difficult like an addiction, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior entirely.
One of Redditor Solid_Reason_3735’s daughters struggled with addiction and did multiple things that really hurt her family, leading members to either go no contact with her or set firm boundaries with her.
When she demanded to use her late mother’s wedding dress, just like her older sister had, the Original Poster (OP) refused, stating that her late mother’s boundary had been to not let her have anything else, including use of her wedding dress.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for not allowing my daughter to wear her late mom’s wedding dress, even though I let her sister wear it?”
The OP’s daughter’s life when downhill when she left for college.
“I have four kids. This is about my older-middle child, Abby. Abby was an addict. She went off to college and came back in the first semester an addict.”
“Soon after, she dropped out of college and got much worse.”
“My late wife and I tried to get her into rehab, but she would just run the first day.”
“Her relationship with the rest of the family deteriorated very quickly. She was soon kicked out of our homes permanently when she was 20.”
Abby ruined her relationship with her mother before her mother died from cancer.
“My wife soon got cancer, and we stopped giving money altogether to Abby because it needed to go to the treatment.”
“Abby broke into our home and ransacked it. This included heirloom pieces that were passed down from my wife’s mother. She also left our doors open and our two cats escaped.”
“We never found them. This broke my wife, and she started to go downhill after.”
“Then and since, I have spent many years trying to track down the stuff. I have found two of the entire collection, and they will be going to my two other daughters (my oldest and my youngest). I feel really bad for my son because he literally has nothing of his mother’s (he’s between Abby’s age and my youngest daughter’s).”
“And there’s no replacing those cats. My wife lost her 20-year-old cat that day, and my youngest daughter lost her cat, both of which broke my wife. My daughter’s been no contact with Abby since then. It’s all very hard to forgive.”
The OP’s late wife said enough was enough before she passed.
“My wife made it clear that Abby has gotten her inheritance already and that she wants nothing else to go to her.”
“She was very clear not to allow her to have anything else or borrow anything, and she even mentioned the wedding dress as an example during that conversation.”
“My wife passed, and Abby didn’t even come to the funeral.”
The OP stuck to their late wife’s wishes.
“Abby is now 26 and has been clean for a year. She is planning on getting married next year.”
“She called me and asked if she could use Mom’s wedding dress, and I told her no.”
“This started an argument about how it was unfair because my oldest daughter did wear it last year (Abby was not invited to the wedding).”
“She claims it is unfair and that she was her mother, too. I informed her that she already got many things from her mother and pawned them off for money.”
“I need an outside opinion. I can’t go to my family because everyone has strong opinions about Abby.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they were right to honor their late wife’s wishes.
“Your wife told you, from her own mouth, that Abby gets nothing else. Don’t give or loan her anything. There is your answer.”
“My father wanted to be cremated, he’d registered for him and my mom to have space for their urns in the Veterans’ cemetery maybe a year before he passed. (Mom had said for YEARS she wants to be cremated. Not sure why he decided on it for himself, but he did.)”
“His sister kept harassing my mom, telling her to bury him in the cemetery where their parents are. ‘If it’s a money issue, I’ll contribute.’ She even came to me to tell me to talk to my mom and get her to change her mind.”
“Uhhhh… No? My mom was simply following my dad’s wishes. We didn’t know that he’d set up everything for the cemetery until I came across the paperwork. I jumped out of my chair and yelled, ‘AH HA!’ like you see in movies, lol.”
“I took a photo of the document and sent it to my aunt. ‘This shows my father’s wishes. Do not bother my mom about the burial again.'”
“Even after he passed and was cremated, his sister still tried to get my mom to bury him in the cemetery she wanted him in. Nope! He is exactly where he chose to be. In the Veterans’ cemetery. Unless my mom says she wants something else done with her remains, she’ll be in her own urn next to him.”
“It doesn’t matter how long someone is gone. Their wishes were their wishes. They’re not here to change them, so they should be respected and followed. Abby does not get the dress.” – nicholaiia
“Nope, you are following your late wife’s wishes. She would absolutely not want Abby to wear that dress.”
“I would tell Abby that once she returns everything she stole/pawned during her addict phase, she still would get nothing of her mother’s.” – Catfish1960
“NTA. Your wife was clear. Abby can buy her own dress.” – No_Jaguar67
“You are NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and everything that’s happened. You would be the a**hole if you gave her the dress.”
“Your wife was clear. You can see it as a kind of verbal will, if she didn’t have one otherwise. Abby stole her inheritance already.”
“She is not to take or borrow anything of your wife’s again. I wouldn’t waver on that if she were clean for 20 years and you trusted her totally. It was your wife’s wish, you must honor it.” – magog12
“NTA. What has she done to earn back any form of trust? Yes, she’s sober, but sobriety doesn’t mean your relationship goes back to how it was.”
“She robbed you, straight up, she stole several items with huge sentimental value from her mother. Why trust her with one of the few things you have left to share with her siblings?”
“Don’t let her have the dress. I doubt she would do anything to it, I don’t believe her to be evil, but it’s the principle. She doesn’t deserve to wear something of such importance to your family.” – HvaVarDetDuSaForNo
Others weren’t convinced that Abby even did enough to be forgiven by her family.
“What did Abby do to be forgiven? Does she try to pay you back or track the collections? Did she apologize?”
“Being sober for a year doesn’t absolve her of her mistakes. IF a drunk driver killed someone, or a drunk person stole and harmed people, a judge wouldn’t say, ‘Oh, they are sober for a while; let’s forgive them now.’ They’d still be punished, have to offer a public statement or three, do community service, go to therapy and get clean, etc.”
“Abby sounds entitled. She does not even value you still being in her life.”
“If I were in your place, I would not go to the wedding and would go no contact with her. Don’t try to force any relationship between the siblings and her, or that may backfire on you.” – DeliciousLeader7639
“NTA. I have a drug addicted sister who has done nothing but cause family grief for over a decade now. If she got clean, good for her, but it doesn’t magically erase the repeated BS she put people through.”
“A year clean is terrific, but it’s going to take a lot more time and effort to rebuild all the trust she has broken and hurt she has caused.” – whenitrainsitpours4
“NTA ransacking your house, effectively killing your cats, and accelerating the death of her own mother. That was unfair. This is just the consequence of her actions.”
“Actions have ripples, and some things can’t be undone no matter how much time passes. You can cheer her on for staying clean without rewriting history or ignoring what happened. Forgiveness doesn’t automatically mean full access to everything that was lost.”
“I hope OP has a good security system. She may be clean, but she doesn’t seem remorseful. She may break in again to get the dress.” – Outrageous-Arm1945
“NTA. It’s also a red flag that she’s only been clean for a year and is already engaged.”
“If it were ten years later, and she was clean, had made some amends, and was marrying someone who never knew her that way, maybe. But this falls well within mom’s ‘nope.'” – Sheila_Monarch
“That is even more reason to not let her use the dress, in that case. It would probably ruin the dress in the eyes of your youngest, and she deserves to wear her mother’s dress without the memory being tarnished by a sister she doesn’t have in her life anymore.”
“You’re making the right decision by staying firm with your no. I wish you and your family all the best.”
“Even if your youngest has no desire to wear it, which is fine, all of the rest of your children should be able to look at your wife’s wedding dress without the memories being associated with the sibling that hurt the family so much.” – Sunshine030209
While the subReddit could acknowledge that maybe Abby was working on changing and had been lean for a year, which is an accomplishment, they also didn’t think that what Abby had done would necessarily just heal with time.
Rather, she needed to prove that she had actually changed and would not do the terrible things to her family again that she’d done in the past.
That also included honoring her late mother’s wishes, as well as her younger sister’s boundaries, who might never let her back in.