Going through a divorce is a situation everyone wants to avoid.
Hard as it is on the couple going through it, it is as or more difficult on the children.
Particularly when the custody agreement gets nasty.
While many couples strive to make this transition as easy as possible for their children, not everyone is so fortunate.
A Recent Redditor had gone through a fairly tumultuous divorce that saw their ex-wife take primary custody of their two daughters.
Luckily, the original poster (OP) found love again and had made some big plans with their new wife and their family.
Big plans that did not include the OP’s two children further complicated their relationship.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for planning international travel without my children?”
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with their children:
“So here’s the reality.”
“I have two kids.”
“They are now 14 and 16.”
“I’ve had 50/50 since I got divorced, up until a few months ago.”
“4 years ago, my ex-wife got remarried, and her husband advised her to start a custody dispute.”
“I spent $165,000 (basically my life savings) fighting for 4 years.”
“For the record, my ex-wife’s father is wealthy and paid all her legal fees.”
“This comes into play later.”
“The older child told the court appointed therapist ‘I want to live with mom and only see Dad every other weekend’.”
“The younger one just said they wanted to do 50/50.”
“The younger one then changed their mind and said: ‘Oh, maybe 70/30 with Mom’.”
“‘I just want court stuff to be over. ‘”
“I went to trial.”
“My attorney fought like hell, but the judge said: ‘Given the children’s age, their preference will take precedence and we won’t split them up, as it would break their sibling bond’.”
“Well, my wife and I have been planning some travel with some of her friends, her sister and their husbands.”
“It includes 9 days in Spain and France.”
“They picked the dates.”
“We got tickets.”
“The kids found out about it and have been asking me: ‘We want to go’.”
“‘Why can’t we go?'”
“I told my children: ‘This is something we planned.'”
“‘We saved for’.”
“They asked if it was an adults only trip.”
“I told them it was not, and their 15-year-old cousin was coming.”
that “They said it was not fair we couldn’t take them as they knew we could afford it, and that it would be their only chance to travel internationally.”
“I told them: ‘You’re young adults now’.”
“‘You chose to spend the majority of your time with your mother, and you got what you wanted. ‘”
“‘But choices have consequences. ‘”
“‘One of them is that you don’t get to join me on things like this’.”
“They’re both very upset.”
“My younger one said: ‘You’re just mad we have more fun at Mom’s house’.”
“I’m afraid I’m being an a**hole here.”
“I’m happy to be wrong.”
“But my gut is telling me what I’m doing is fair.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP. fell in. this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who generally agreed they were indeed the a**hole for excluding his children from their European trip.
Everyone agreed that, while it wasn’t necessarily wrong for the OP to go on a trip without their children, the manner in which they were excluding them was only bound to hurt, if not permanently damage, their relationship:
“I mean, if your goal is to further alienate your kids and worsen your relationship with them, nice work.”
“You don’t give any insight into why the kids wanted less time with you – they may have had valid reasons.”
“With the limited info provided it’s currently reading as YTA.”- Naive_Pay_7066
“YTA.”
“For how you’re handling this.”
“It’d be fine to go without the children but the way you’re handling it is incredibly petty.”
“You’re only pushing your kids away more.”- gafftaped
“Wow.”
“So instead of examining your relationship with your children (14 and 16 are not “young adults”) and maybe using this trip to strengthen your bond with them/repair any damage, you’re getting petty revenge?”
“I’m starting to see why they chose Mom.”
“YTA.”- affictionitis
“It feels like you’re trying to punish your kids for the custody battle with your ex.”
“It is entirely up to you whether you invite them on this trip or not, but it feels like cutting off your nose to spite your face.”
“You spent your life savings because you wanted more parenting time.”
“Now you have the opportunity to get more parenting time by taking them on a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and you’re saying no … why?”
“To make sure they know you’re angry?”
“You say in your explanation for why you may be the AH ‘Because I may be unintentionally treating my children definitely based on how they have treated me’.”
“First, your treatment of them is not ‘unintentional’.”
“You are angry and hurt and lashing out at them, which is, frankly, unfair.”
“They are children.”
“Your job is to be the adult.”
“You are not doing that job very well.”
“Second, their treatment of you, I’m assuming, is your oldest saying they would prefer an every-other-weekend schedule, and that hurts you.”
“Have you talked to them about it?”
“Do you know why they made that choice?”
“Or are you just pouting about it?”
“Again, you are neither parenting them very well in this nor setting a good example for how adults behave.”
“This trip is going to be something your children remember for the rest of their lives.”
“You get to decide how they remember it.”
“They can either remember it as when Dad took them on an international trip and made great memories with them, or they can remember it as that time dad threw a temper tantrum over the custody schedule and went on a trip without them.”
“YTA.”- Bubbly_Chicken_9358
“You’re asking the wrong question.”
“You planning a trip without your kids is fine.”
“The real question is ‘AITA for throwing it in my kids’ faces as a punishment or ‘consequences of their actions’?'”
“Yes, yes you are – they made those decisions when they were much younger (as young as 10 and 12, right?), and you’re STILL holding a grudge.”
“YTA.”- wesmorgan1
“You spent your life savings, but can afford to travel with your kids internationally?”
“YTA and this story doesn’t line up.”- rebcl
“YTA.”
“You made it about their ‘choice’ rather than their unavailability.”
“You could have simply said ‘Your mother has court-ordered custody over you during the days of the trip’.”
“‘I can’t change that’.”
“Instead, you went the blame route.”
“That is petty and a**holish.”
“Don’t blame your children for the difficult position you and your ex-wife placed them in.”
“They didn’t choose the breakdown of their parents’ relationship.”- Impossible_Rain_4727
“YTA.”
“I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t take them, but it does sound like you are punishing them for hurting you.”
“They are in a very difficult developmental phase and being placed in the middle of a process that is incredibly stressful.”
“You seem to understand that the custody battle was hard on you as an adult.”
“Why would it be easier or simpler for your children?”
“It sounds like you’re sending the message that if someone has more power and that person’s feelings get hurt, they’re allowed to use that power to punish whoever hurt them.”-ReachImpressive2756
“YTA.”
“You’re taking out your animosity against your ex-wife on your kids.”
“Double a**hole.”- drgrouchy
“YTA.”
“You are being spiteful towards your own children.”
“There are a lot of valid reasons for not wanting to take your kids on vacation, but you basically told your kids, ‘You chose your mom over me so now I’m not going to take you to do fun things’.”
“Sucks to suck’.”
“And that’s just not fair.”
“If you keep this up, they may just decide they don’t want to see you at all anymore.”- 1meanjellybean
“YTA.”
“How is a cousin going?”
“You are basically using the trip as a way to hurt your children for living with their mother.”
“It’s obvious that they have been the target of this kind of behavior before and didn’t want to deal with an immature parent on top of everything else.”- Icy-Willingness-8892
“YTA.”
“Not for going on a trip without them, but for framing it to them as a natural consequence of the custody arrangement.”
“It’s not.”
“It’s also not their fault that you are choosing not to take them for whatever reason so long as the reason is not that the older one chose less custody time.”
“The judge could have just as easily decided that he wouldn’t split them up by having both do 50/50.”
“If you can afford to take them and its a big family trip, not an adult trip.”
“And its not a logistical nightmare or rife with custody issues, then you should take them.”-Dry_Pickle_Juice_T
It couldn’t have been easy for the OP to lose out on spending time with his children.
Especially as that seemed to be largely by their own choosing.
Even so, that doesn’t mean the OP should love their children any less, and should look for any opportunity to spend more time with them.
As some noted above, if this is reflective of their everyday behavior, it makes considerably more sense why their children chose to stay with their mother.