Co-parenting can be a nightmare.
Too many parents who are now exes often don't see eye to eye.
This is a struggle for so many kids.
It can be especially arduous when exes get remarried and now have to juggle more families.
All-out war can be started.
Redditor Ill-Statisticia-mem wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for not completely changing my kid's life just to accommodate her father?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 F[emale]) was with my ex Tom (40 M[ale]) for a few years before having our daughter, 10 F, when she was a few weeks old, he moved out and in with some other girl and has rarely been involved."
"I finally put him on child support a few years ago, and you'd think he was father of the year for paying $300 a month."
"He never really had custody, I NEVER kept her from him, but I wasn't going to chase him around trying to force him to be involved."
"Last year, he remarried Peggy (45 F) and is now asking for more custody."
"Obviously, I talked to my daughter's therapist and agreed to every other weekend for now."
"I'm not forcing my kid to change her life just because Tom now wants to play family."
"The problem is that Tom and Peggy's house is just miserable for my daughter."
"I'm trying to keep her positive about it, but honestly?'
"They're just not the kind of people or behaviors she's used to."
"They yell a lot, don't care about hygiene or keeping a clean house (nothing C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] would do anything about, but does not meet normal standards, much less mine), and she hates Peggy's kids."
"There are five, but two are older and on their own, but she has a son, 17, daughter 12, and a son my daughter's age, and they're basically feral—just no supervision over there, always on their phones, no structure."
"Oh, and Peggy is an antivaxxer, so there's that whole situation."
"My daughter plays soccer, and they were 45 minutes late to the game last weekend and didn't think it was that big of a deal!"
"She was texting me, freaking out that she'd be late, and when I called Tom, he screamed at ME for calling."
"Tom and Peggy also live out in the boonies; it's about a 25-30-minute drive from my house to theirs."
"I told him when he started coming around that I had no intention of driving hours or changing any aspects of our lives to accommodate him, and he promised it wouldn't be a problem."
"Now here we are, and he's saying we need to set up a meeting point or switch off handovers."
"I'm already pissed that my daughter needs to be in a car for so long just because Peggy needs to have a lot of property."
"I told him no way, he was the one who chose to live so far from us, he can do the driving."
"Finally, his most outrageous request has been to TAKE MY KID OUT OF HER SCHOOL."
"She got into our district's competitive magnet school; it's not easy, and we both worked hard for it (me just filling out the forms and setting up meetings, she got in on her own merits)."
"Tom says that his stepkids (that apparently he's adopting, by the way... lol) are jealous of what my daughter gets to do at school, and he wants to enroll her in their public school."
"NOT happening."
"My daughter has male role models, ones who actually care about her well-being and not just social media clout."
"Tom can say he'll go to court, but I'll believe that when I see it."
"He has no gumption, and honestly, I doubt a judge would side with him anyway."
"I have always had full custody, have never kept her from him, but I need to stick up for my kid..."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Does that make me the AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Hey, Mom, you tried being reasonable here."
"You did try to let your daughter have a decent relationship with her birth father."
"You did what you could."
"But he hasn't met you halfway (or even 10% of the way), so just stop."
"Stop making it work."
"Go to court, and let the court know all the issues and, most importantly, that your daughter is being negatively impacted."
"Visits can be elsewhere."
"You're not saying dad can't be in her life."
"But there's no good in your child's misery every other weekend for the next 6 years." ~ mrsgip
"OP, you are definitely NTA."
"The fact that Miss Peggy 😉 is an antivaxxer would have been a no-go for me right away."
"It is your child's father who moved, and your daughter does not need to see his new family- especially not in that sty."
"Tell your ex he can come and take her out for dinner locally, the zoo, whatever, but it is too upsetting to your daughter to have to go to his place for many reasons."
"It should be about your daughter's wants- not what he and Miss Peggy want."
"Good luck, and keep protecting your daughter." ~ Myiiadru2
"NTA, but I'm not sure I agree with the advice to lawyer up."
"If there is no legal custody plan and/or the plan is that you have full custody and full decision making, then leave it alone."
"It sounds very unlikely that hot mess biodad will have the funds or the drive to do anything legally, and a legal agreement when you have been trying 2 weekends per month might turn this into a formal legal right."
"It sounds like you have all the legal power now, so why revisit this?"
"Just stop sending her over on weekends and notify the school that you have legal decision-making, but her father may try to unenroll her, and this should be disregarded." ~ cynical_overlord1979
"This. Does Tom want to go to court? Great."
"Tell the judge you don't want your kid around his unvaccinated family and poorly supervised children."
"He's barely been in her life up to now; there's no reason she should have to spend every other weekend with people she hates. NTA." ~ vrcraftauthor
"Make sure you tell the school that he is not allowed to move her out."
"My ex did that while he had the child in August, and then brought her to the new school on the first day, before telling me."
"Talk to your lawyer; he can't just swoop in now and start demanding changes to your systems."
"It's causing your daughter distress."
"Have her discuss with her therapist if she has one."
"Good luck and good for you keeping your little girl stable and safe. NTA." ~ Own-Cable8865
"He's probably doing it as a stepping-stone to apply for 50-50, so he doesn't have to pay any child support."
"Talk with a good family lawyer, collect evidence, follow the rules of your jurisdiction, take whatever action your lawyer recommends."
"If money (reducing child support) is his goal, then one way or another, you'll be heading to court."
"The best you can do is be very prepared."
"By the way, I think a 10-year-old who has been well raised and cared for like your daughter is perfectly capable of making decisions about housing and relationships that affect them. NTA." ~ Iworkinacupboard
"NTA. Lawyer up."
"It is possible that she can choose where she wants to go, but that is usually 15+ in most areas."
"But mostly, DOCUMENT everything!!!"
"Write down every refusal, every time he is late, every time she says ANYTHING."
"It helps in the courts if it goes that way." ~ Trick_Delivery4609
"NTAH. He wants more custody = he needs to work to get more custody, which means, he NEEDS to accommodate HIS DAUGHTER'S LIFE, not the other way around."
"And, pulling her out of a good school just because some kids she sees 2 days a week is laughable, courts will not take away a good education from your daughter's life just for that reason."
"And, seriously?"
"Being late 45 minutes for her game?"
"That's an a**hole move, being late is so annoying and disrespectful to others."
"Take care of your daughter, sending hugs to you for how hard it's going to be managing a child- and the adult child she has for a father. <333." ~ Wonderful_Search_783
"NTA. For one, your daughter isn't happy."
"That's the most important thing."
"Two, this doesn't sound like a very good environment for her to be in."
"The adults can't even keep it together long enough not to scream at each other and keep things clean for a couple of days a month."
"The antivaxxer stuff also isn't something I'd want my kid exposed to."
"Three, they've shown they aren't prioritizing your daughter."
"They made her late to a game, and they want her to have a worse education so they don't have to deal with parenting their own children by helping them manage their jealousy."
"You would not be the a**hole if you decided she couldn't come over on weekends anymore."
"If your daughter still wants contact with her father, maybe you could arrange to have a meet-up once or twice a week at a neutral location, like a park or restaurant."
"(Edit: I meant once or twice a month)."
"I think you should talk to your daughter's therapist about the best way to approach the subject with her." ~ Charming-Barnacle-15
"Stop these visits, lawyer up."
"Your daughter isn't happy going there."
"What are you doing?" ~ askashleythatsme8
OP responded...
"Yes, I'm going to tell him he can see her outside of the house during the day."
"She still wants to see him and loves him, she just doesn't like Peggy or her kids because they're trashy."
"I told her not to call them that, don't worry."
"I validate her, but I'm not going to shut down my kid's new family with a 10-year-old!"
"She said she'd like to go to the zoo or out to dinner with him, just the two of them, or stay at his parents' house, all of which I will happily facilitate."
"But no more overnights at the junkyard house."
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have quite a predicament on your hands.
You're doing all the right things.
You have to put your kid first.
Tom is completely out of line.
Stay strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp