As a member of Gen X, the label of “women’s work” was still very prevalent in the United States despite many divorced and married women being forced into the workplace to support their families.
Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare were all women’s work and beneath any man’s dignity. Fathers bragged about how hands-off they were with their children, while any man who lowered himself to change a single diaper was mocked.
Luckily, men have become more empowered to actually participate in the lives of their children, and household chores are less likely to be separated by gender. But not everyone has emerged from the 1950s yet—and some misogynists are trying drag us all backwards.
A young woman who doesn’t understand the household division of labor turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Royal_Cod17 asked:
“AITA for not doing my brother’s laundry?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am 23 years old and live with my mother and my 33-year-old brother. I was moved out and just recently had to move back in, but trust me I’m trying everything I can to find another place again.”
“I do my own laundry while my mom does hers and my brother’s. He definitely never ‘forced’ her to, but he also has no problem with letting her do it and hasn’t considered that maybe he needs to start doing it on his own.”
“My mom has been in the hospital for the past week due to recent medical issues, so she hasn’t been home to do my older brother’s laundry.”
“While visiting her at the hospital earlier today, she gave me a list of very specific instructions to follow for doing my brother’s laundry. I was a little caught off guard because why would she be giving me that information instead of my brother?”
“It seems to me that she expects me to do my brother’s laundry for him, now that she isn’t able to, instead of my brother just doing it himself.”
“Am I the a**hole if I don’t do his laundry?”
“He is an adult man…why is his younger sister expected to do it for him?”
“It’s that way too whenever we go to my grandparents.”
“All the men get to sit around and watch TV/play their games, while all the women are expected to be in the kitchen or constantly cleaning up.”
“It’s so frustrating!”
“I’m absolutely not planning on arguing with her about this right now, I just don’t plan on doing my brother’s laundry either.”
“She just wants me to baby him like she does and I really don’t want any part in that.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m not doing what my mother asked me to, and not doing my older brother’s laundry for him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. End the cycle of enabling.” ~ StAlvis
“NTA. Hand him the list of specific instructions.” ~ DirectAntique
“It’s a life skill. It’s time he learned how.”
“What happens if he finds a partner and THEY end up on vacation, or in the hospital, or with some ailment that prevents them from laundry duties?”
“Your mother failed your brother, but OP, you can step up and make it right. NTA.” ~ 2dogslife
“Or just if his partner wants a partner to share household chores with—not a child who needs everything done for him.” ~ Aethermist88
“I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t nope out as soon as they find out he can’t do his own laundry.”
“Maybe they would give him a chance if he says ‘show me’, but at 33, I would be wondering why he hadn’t learnt yet.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA. Pretend the instructions were for him. A 33-year-old man can do his own f*cking laundry or hire a service for a few weeks while his mommy can’t do it for him.” ~ Epsilon_and_Delta
“NTA. I would add that since he clearly needs the practice, after so many years of misogyny maid service, he should do yours, too.”
“But I would never trust my brother to do my laundry. It would end up being doll clothes!” ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
“Unless someone has a disability or mobility issue that prevents them from doing laundry, there is no reason why a 33-year-old shouldn’t be doing their own laundry. NTA.”
“I’m almost 37, and I’ve been doing my laundry since I could reach the machine. Sure, I had help here and there, and some things needed some extra teaching from my parents, but I was a child.”
“Maybe you should send him YouTube links to how to do laundry. Or let his laundry pile up until he runs out of clothes.” ~ ZealousidealGrass9
“Obviously because it is a woman’s job. NTA.”
“‘Dear brother, you are 33 and mother is in hospital. She has given me the instructions you need to do your laundry. It is not rocket science, you will manage. And you are 33, you will keep it up because you want to take some easy work away from your mother’.”
“Your mother is in hospital. She will be tired and in need of rest when she gets home.
Trust me, a grown man can operate a washing machine just fine.” ~ LightPhotographer
“NTA obviously. He’s an adult. He can (and should) do his own f*cking laundry.”
“Sure you can make a deal like I don’t know he’s doing the grocery shopping/cleaning whatever and you do laundry or the other way round or something, but just expecting you to do the laundry because you’re a woman?”
“Hell no. Even your mum normally still doing his laundry is wild. But, of course, that’s just my outside perspective not knowing how other tasks are split and stuff.” ~ GimmeFood666
“NTA. He’ll continue to have problems in future relationships if he cannot manage his own maintenance. It’s worse than just enabling. It’s infantilizing.” ~ MediumEngine1344
“My father was raised on the ‘inside chores are women’s work, outside chores are men’s work’ rhetoric.”
“My brothers both can and do their own laundry, cook, do dishes, or pretty much anything else that needs doing around the house because my mother was of the opinion that if you wanted clean clothes or food on a schedule other than hers, you better learn how because she wasn’t going to raise useless adults.”
“I also got the crash course in home maintenance from my dad as well.” ~ Fallenthropy
“I married my husband when his boys were teenagers. First laundry day rolls around, I do mine and my husband’s.”
“He said something about doing theirs. I told him no way, they were old enough—13 and 15—to do their own.”
“He says that laundry is too hard and complicated for them to do. I say that if they can’t manage something simple like laundry, there is no way they should ever be driving a car—oldest was counting the days until he could get his license.”
“Guess who learned how to do laundry pretty quickly?” ~ evileen99
“NTA. The only reason you should do his laundry, would be if he was disabled in some way (mentally or physically) and has been unable to learn this task.”
“If not disabled, give him the instructions and tell him it’s time to put on his adult pants and learn to do laundry. Let him know he will NOT be putting this task on mom going forward as she has enough to do.”
“Offer to watch the first time to ensure he doesn’t do anything crazy, but you won’t do it nor step in no matter how incompetent he appears nor how long it takes. He WILL try to aggravate you into taking over. To prevent that, make a bit of an event out of it.”
“Make some popcorn, set up a chair to watch him, maybe even bring a book and tell him to ask if he has questions. Remind him many children aged 8 and up, all genders, do their own laundry.”
“Does he really want to tell the world he is less capable than an 8-year-old? You have no problems posting to your IG or Facebook if he won’t learn.”
“I saw a show where the mom had a sign-up sheet in the laundry room where her kids could reserve a time for the machines. They all had hampers and all did their own laundry.”
“Her youngest was around 10 and had already been doing his for a couple years. She did her own and the bathroom & kitchen towels. I was VERY impressed!” ~ RazzmatazzOk2129
The OP provided an update:
“I think he figured I just wouldn’t have an issue doing it in place of her, but we talked about it, and he knows it’s his own responsibility.”
“He did it himself!”
“I handed him the list of instructions and stood with him while he did it—just for this one time.”
“I ended up just straight up telling him, ‘Hey, mom made this list for you for when you do your laundry’. I stood in the washroom with him while he did it to make sure it was all good and it went fine.”
“He didn’t have any complaints, thank goodness. I’m not sure if he even knew my mom was going to ask me to do it for him.”
“I told him though, next time he’s on his own unless HE specifically asks for help and only if he NEEDS it if he’s running late to work or something.”
“Thanks for all the suggestions on how to handle this. All is well.”
It’s amazing what open, honest communication can do.
All it took to resolve this problem was OP talking to her brother.
Hopefully her discussion with her mother goes as well.