Kashering is the process of purifying utensils and kitchen appliances, fixtures, and surfaces to make them suitable for kosher (Jewish dietary law) food preparation.
One kosher rule requires meat and dairy not be eaten together. But it also requires the same utensils and appliances can't be used for both meat and dairy.
Separate dishes, sinks, refrigerators, pots, pans, etc... are needed. This is one reason why people choose to not have a fully kosher kitchen
A mother whose son asked her to convert her kitchen to meet his wants and needs turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Intrepid-Jello-1886 asked:
"AITA for not kashering the kitchen for my son?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I grew up Orthodox Jewish, but it wasn't the lifestyle for me and I left while remaining very culturally Jewish. My husband is Jewish and I raised our children to be very in touch with their cultural identity (sent them to Jewish schools and sleepaway camps), but don't really practice the religion in terms of keeping the Sabbath, following the dietary laws, etc..."
"Our son is 19 and has, over the past two years, become pretty religious. He spends the Sabbath with friends, which is fine with us."
"We have tried to compromise on the dietary laws by purchasing kosher meat/poultry for him, not mixing meat and dairy, etc... We live in an area with a large Jewish community and he has cart blanche to use Apple Pay to buy himself whatever food he wants."
"Because I grew up in the community, I know the rules and do the best I can for him while not limiting myself to a culture that I chose to leave."
"I recently found out from one of my other kids that he is annoyed that we haven't converted one of our ovens (we have two) into a kosher oven for his use, or purchased separate dishes for him, etc..."
"Sibling was like, 'Did you ask Mom and Dad to do any of this?'."
"Son was like, 'no, mom grew up with all of this so she definitely knows what I need and is choosing not to do it'."
"Sibling pointed out he can't be mad if he doesn't ask while ALSO pointing out that son is 19 and that this is our house and if he's that pressed he can get his own place and do what he wants."
"Fact is, I don't want to. I cook and bake a lot. I like having two ovens. I don't want to relive the exhaustion of a kosher (semi-kosher) kitchen, though I could."
"AITA for not accommodating my son's religious beliefs to the best of my ability rather than a baseline level?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I didn't take the steps to make my kitchen partially kosher for my son, even though I know how and that it's really important to him."
"We live in an area with specific kosher eateries and markets. And while I don't live the path he has chosen, I am willing to support him."
"But I need him to do more of the emotional and physical labor involved."
"I can afford to support his beliefs with both food and appliances. My annoyance is the part where I am meant to be a psychic kosher genie."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Does he have a job? If he's willing to purchase his own cooking equipment and give up his unlimited Uber Eats, maybe get him a dedicated kosher toaster oven."
"He needs to get some skin in the game. At 19 he's too old to play the 'mom needs to do all these things for me' card."
"Plus he'll have his own stuff for when he moves out. NTA." ~ jillian512
"Dedicated toaster oven/air fryer wouldn't take up much space. And even a mini fridge wouldn't be unreasonable if they have the space. He definitely needs to realize that his faith is his own journey and not anyone else's responsibility." ~ silverokapi
"NTA. He is delegating the work of keeping Kosher onto you. If those are his beliefs he should do the work and buy the necessary cooking equipment and plates." ~ Walktothebrook
"NTA. If there is space, your son could have an air fryer, mini fridge, and seperate crockery, that he pays for. Otherwise, he can continue to be as unharmed by the food at home as he had been for the last 19 years." ~ Inevitable-Slice-263
"I was around that age when I became vegetarian. My mom said 'have at it' and did nothing to help me. I didn't even know how to cook and suddenly started cooking completely for myself."
"I'm assuming you gave him the skills to be able to handle his own cooking himself since you seem torn up about whether or not you are TA for not providing an entire oven for him. Special diets are the responsibility of the person on the diet, anything from anyone else is a kindness." ~ Free_Medicine4905
"Definitely NTA for that. Part of child rearing (I say, as someone who has never raised any children) is teaching them to be independent, and advocate for themselves."
"I worry that along with hashkafa, he may have been picking up the patriarchalism (and, often, misogyny) that can come hand-in-hand with orthodoxy... aishes chayil be damned, there are plenty of frum families in which the mom is a second-class citizen." ~ thiswillnotdo
"NTA, if keeping kosher is important to him he can man up and talk to you about it. He can come up with a plan and ask for your support."
"You may not be inclined to give him everything he wants but it's on him to find a work around. And he can also talk to his Rabbi about getting a dispensation from keeping kosher or doing it in a modified way."
"When I lived in Berkeley there were a number of students who did kosher meal prep at an industrial kosher kitchen. They paid a small fee to use the space and just brought their own ingredients."
"The service was supervised by a Rabbi and the students were able to keep kosher. I knew a girl who did her prep every two weeks. She mostly did Shabbas with other students." ~ pikanakifunk
"NTA. Your son is an adult and can move out and keep his own kosher kitchen, as his younger sibling pointed out."
"Your house, your rules (or non-rules!)." ~ sbinjax
"If he wants these things, the least he could do is have a conversation with you!" ~ spaceylaceygirl
"A wise friend of mine once pointed out that every relationship is an interfaith relationship because no two people have identical faith and values. Similar, sure-- but not identical."
When someone dates outside of their religion they know that there's going to be disagreements/compromises about what is important, and what will be observed. When two people from the same religious tradition date (or are friends, or work together, or are parent/child) those inevitable disagreements catch them off guard because they assumed they had all the same beliefs."
"Your son needs to learn that even if you were once more observant, the faith and beliefs you had then are *not* the same faith and beliefs he has now. He absolutely cannot assume you know anything about how he wants to observe his religion, otherwise he's going to resent you for not reading his mind." ~ Starfoxy
"NTA but as a secular Jewish person who used to be very involved with Judaism, hekshering is such a nightmare, and I can't imagine how your son wants to have a kosher kitchen without forcing everyone to follow his rules."
"people comparing this to cooking for a gluten free family member do not understand the headache involved. to really follow kosher rules, your son would need two sets of dishes and cooking utensils with separate cabinets, two sinks, two dishwashers, separate counters, two fridges, and a rabbi to come and supervise all the kashering. and that is just the setup, never mind the maintenance."
"as someone who does understand, it is impossible to maintain a kosher and non-kosher kitchen in the same space. making a kitchen kosher for your son means forcing your whole family to keep kosher to his standards. if it is that important to him, he needs to find his own place to live. otherwise, it sounds like you're doing a lot to accommodate him." ~ catsinhouse22
"NTA. As a rabbi friend of mine says: you can't be machmir on someone else's cheshbon (literally, strict on someone else's bill/account)."
"If he wants to keep kosher the onus is on him. The a**hole line is if you actively interfere with him doing so. Since he's your kid, I would work with him: He can have a shelf for some of his own dishes and a toaster oven."
"But he'll have to remember to have basins to wash them, etc... He should ask, he's a grown up. You shouldn't say no outright, though."
"I think kashering one of your ovens might be too much of an ask depending on how you cook. That's up for you to decide. (For me, if I had 2 full size ovens, I would be willing to keep one dairy, since I do a ton of baking. That might not work for you.)" ~ nefarious_epicure
"Personally, I think if it's such a big deal, he needs to take initiative for himself as I am guessing he wants it to happen now. OP also needs to insist if he wants to eat kosher, he must do the work including cooking for himself."
"It sounds like he expects his mom to cook kosher. Since he's still eating what she cooks and isn't forcing him to do this, he's being incredibly entitled. I wouldn't entertain it in any way." ~ Spinnerofyarn
The OP is willing to support and accommodate her adult son's wants and needs.
But first he needs to make those things known.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp