Estranged parent/child relationships are often more than a little complicated and full of heart break. It's not uncommon that one or both parties sincerely wishes things weren't the way they are.
Is there ever a time when one or the other would be obligated to renew that bond, though?
Reddit user FlightNeat5038 ended up stuck in the middle of some family conflict by rebuffing his estranged mother. Now he's wondering if he was wrong.
He asked the "Am I The A**hole" subReddit:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my mom I'm not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?"
Yeah. It's an intense one. But before we hop into it, let's review how AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") works.
People with a "morally grey" situation create posts. Other users respond to the original poster ("OP" for short) in the comments, sharing thoughts and casting votes.
Voting Options Are:
- YTA: You're The A**hole
- NTA : Not The A**hole
- NAH : No A**holes Here
- ESH: Everyone Sucks Here
OK now let's get back to this fractured family.
"Me (23M) and my mom don't have the best relationship."
"My parents broke up when I was 2. My mom was trying to do college so I was mostly with my dad and she'd have me every weekend. When I was 6 she got married and then a year later had my half brother 'Tommy.' "
"After that she was cancelling our meetups or days I go over there because she was busy. Missing out on school stuff and then birthdays. I barely saw her after that and her reason always was being busy with my half bro."
"I never even met him. Like at all."
"I could also tell when I was around her husband didn't like me. He was always serious around me and never actually spoke to me."
"Years went on and it just went to total no talking at all."
"My dad got married to my stepmom when I was 10 and she's really great."
"So 9 months ago I heard from my grandparents on Facebook that Tommy passed. Idk the full details all I know it was some accident and he had serious injuries."
"Thought about reaching out to my mom but it felt weird since we haven't talked in years."
"She ended up the one messaging me. First telling me about what happened to Tommy and then apologizing for not keeping contact with me for years."
"Pretty much she wants to meet and for us to have a relationship again."
"It just felt off to me that she's doing it only now after Tommy passed. I know some of you are gonna say losing him maybe made her realize she was a sh*t mom to me, but still."
"If this hadn't happened, then it's like she never would've reached out and wouldn't be trying."
"I told her this too, and that I'm not interested in us having anything at the moment."
"This made her push even more that we need to do this and it just seemed like she was not gonna let this go."
"So I said I'm sorry for what happened to him; but I'm not gonna be her 2nd choice and she can't expect me to want her back in just because she lost one child and decided she'll just go back to the other."
"Maybe in the future, if I feel differently, but not right now."
"My mom hasn't left me alone and the last time I talked to my grandparents they gave me sh*t about what I told her. They think I shouldn't have said that to her after she's lost her son."
"So I'm not sure if what I said was too harsh."
"Saying I'm not interested in her right now just because my brother's not around anymore and it's like I'm just her only option now... It's just how I feel since she dropped out of my life once she had another family."
"Was I an a**hole?"
The whole situation was difficult and heartbreaking for Reddit... but that doesn't mean anyone was confused about whether or not OP was out of line.
"NTA in the slightest."
"In my opinion, this shouldn't be a question in your head man. Don't feel bad about not wanting a relationship; she ditched you for her other son and now only wants you now that he's gone?!"
"F*ck off. This is harsh but that's karma."
"Completely up to you but she doesn't deserve you pal." - GManBoyd
"OP is not a plan B. This is such a bad thing to do to a child."
"The mother wants emotional support, not OP."
"She wants something to love to help her over her grief and regret, not OP."
"And what if the mom gets another child or dog or something? Will she just kick OP to the curb again?"
"Just horrible. I hope she doesn't get anything of OP."
"She did it once, she will do it again. NTA." - Nijura108
"No, OP, you are not TA."
"Your bio-mom (and her husband) roundly rejected you and made sure you were unwelcome in their lives."
"Of course your maternal grandparents are on her side. Yes, you can show grace and compassion acknowledging her loss but, as you said, you didn't know your half-brother and your mother is practically a stranger."
"My only piece of unsolicited advice is to thank your stepmom sincerely for her support. It would probably mean the world to her." - Anonymotron42
"NTA. I think the part that pains me the most is that his own mother pushed him out for a shiny new toy, and he didn't even know his own brother."
"It's like she decided that leaving his father meant (to her) that she was no longer her little boys mother either. She was an ex mom, not just an ex wife, and she started over with her new family - child included."
"Wanting to come back now because her second son died, is such an enormous punch in the gut."
"OP really did handle it perfectly."
"His grandparents need to step back and accept that their own daughter is an a**hole. Even though the sentiment seems harsh in light of her recent loss, it's the truth."
"Sometimes the truth hurts when you've been horrible to your own son. Hugs to OP, I'm glad he has an amazing stepmother." - PureHeart24
"NTA."
"Mom spent the past 17 years pretending OP doesn't exist. She doesn't get to instantly re-start a relationship she threw away."
"And OP shouldn't be guilted into being his bio-mom's emotional support animal." - pcnauta
"She lost two sons."
"She lost OP years ago when she made the decision that it was not important for her to be a mother to him once she got her do-over family. Then she lost her youngest to this tragic accident."
"It's unfortunate but she made her decision years before her second sons death. You're NTA." - noblestromana
"NTA, your mom is. And your grandparents are also TA if they've watched this situation unfold over years and only now decided to intervene."
"Even if she's genuinely regretting the past, that's her problem because it was entirely her actions that put her in this place now. You aren't an emotional support animal that she can pick up when she needs it."
"It's very reasonable you don't want to be subbed in for Tommy when you were already swapped for him once."
"She's going to need to demonstrate that she wants to get to know you as a person, not a substitute son. And she's got a lot of explaining to do."
"She made you a stranger. She doesn't get to call on strangers for help." - threeforagirl
"NTA. She doesn't genuinely regret it, she is asking out of purely selfish reasons."
"If she regretted her actions and wanted a relationship without strings attached, she would have let OP take the lead and set the rules. Take it step by step."
"The fact she's already demanding that she needs this all and needs it now means this isn't about OP; it's about her own needs."
"She hasn't spoken to OP in years and still had the audacity to demand an emotional crutch." - darthvadercake
"What you said was harsh, and probably not the best way to go about it, but she was pushing for a relationship that you're not interested in."
"She has been an absentee parent for what, 17 years now if I'm reading this correctly? If a relationship is started again at that point, it has to be on your terms, not hers, and it does not seem like she is respecting that."
"Keep in mind that she f*cked up her relationship with you to begin with."
"So, NTA. Your mother needs to respect your choices." - Noltonn
We do truly feel for anyone who has lost a child, but it seems this mother may have lost two here and unfortunately some of it seems to be her doing.
We hope the family finds healing, whatever that may mean to them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp