Estranged parent/child relationships are often more than a little complicated and full of heart break. It’s not uncommon that one or both parties sincerely wishes things weren’t the way they are.
Is there ever a time when one or the other would be obligated to renew that bond, though?
Reddit user FlightNeat5038 ended up stuck in the middle of some family conflict by rebuffing his estranged mother. Now he’s wondering if he was wrong.
He asked the “Am I The A**hole” subReddit:
“Am I the a**hole for telling my mom I’m not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?”
Yeah. It’s an intense one. But before we hop into it, let’s review how AITA (“Am I The A**hole?”) works.
People with a “morally grey” situation create posts. Other users respond to the original poster (“OP” for short) in the comments, sharing thoughts and casting votes.
Voting Options Are:
- YTA: You’re The A**hole
- NTA : Not The A**hole
- NAH : No A**holes Here
- ESH: Everyone Sucks Here
OK now let’s get back to this fractured family.
“Me (23M) and my mom don’t have the best relationship.”
“My parents broke up when I was 2. My mom was trying to do college so I was mostly with my dad and she’d have me every weekend. When I was 6 she got married and then a year later had my half brother ‘Tommy.’ ”
“After that she was cancelling our meetups or days I go over there because she was busy. Missing out on school stuff and then birthdays. I barely saw her after that and her reason always was being busy with my half bro.”
“I never even met him. Like at all.”
“I could also tell when I was around her husband didn’t like me. He was always serious around me and never actually spoke to me.”
“Years went on and it just went to total no talking at all.”
“My dad got married to my stepmom when I was 10 and she’s really great.”
“So 9 months ago I heard from my grandparents on Facebook that Tommy passed. Idk the full details all I know it was some accident and he had serious injuries.”
“Thought about reaching out to my mom but it felt weird since we haven’t talked in years.”
“She ended up the one messaging me. First telling me about what happened to Tommy and then apologizing for not keeping contact with me for years.”
“Pretty much she wants to meet and for us to have a relationship again.”
“It just felt off to me that she’s doing it only now after Tommy passed. I know some of you are gonna say losing him maybe made her realize she was a sh*t mom to me, but still.”
“If this hadn’t happened, then it’s like she never would’ve reached out and wouldn’t be trying.”
“I told her this too, and that I’m not interested in us having anything at the moment.”
“This made her push even more that we need to do this and it just seemed like she was not gonna let this go.”
“So I said I’m sorry for what happened to him; but I’m not gonna be her 2nd choice and she can’t expect me to want her back in just because she lost one child and decided she’ll just go back to the other.”
“Maybe in the future, if I feel differently, but not right now.”
“My mom hasn’t left me alone and the last time I talked to my grandparents they gave me sh*t about what I told her. They think I shouldn’t have said that to her after she’s lost her son.”
“So I’m not sure if what I said was too harsh.”
“Saying I’m not interested in her right now just because my brother’s not around anymore and it’s like I’m just her only option now… It’s just how I feel since she dropped out of my life once she had another family.”
“Was I an a**hole?”
The whole situation was difficult and heartbreaking for Reddit… but that doesn’t mean anyone was confused about whether or not OP was out of line.
“NTA in the slightest.”
“In my opinion, this shouldn’t be a question in your head man. Don’t feel bad about not wanting a relationship; she ditched you for her other son and now only wants you now that he’s gone?!”
“F*ck off. This is harsh but that’s karma.”
“Completely up to you but she doesn’t deserve you pal.” – GManBoyd
“OP is not a plan B. This is such a bad thing to do to a child.”
“The mother wants emotional support, not OP.”
“She wants something to love to help her over her grief and regret, not OP.”
“And what if the mom gets another child or dog or something? Will she just kick OP to the curb again?”
“Just horrible. I hope she doesn’t get anything of OP.”
“She did it once, she will do it again. NTA.” – Nijura108
“No, OP, you are not TA.”
“Your bio-mom (and her husband) roundly rejected you and made sure you were unwelcome in their lives.”
“Of course your maternal grandparents are on her side. Yes, you can show grace and compassion acknowledging her loss but, as you said, you didn’t know your half-brother and your mother is practically a stranger.”
“My only piece of unsolicited advice is to thank your stepmom sincerely for her support. It would probably mean the world to her.” – Anonymotron42
“NTA. I think the part that pains me the most is that his own mother pushed him out for a shiny new toy, and he didn’t even know his own brother.”
“It’s like she decided that leaving his father meant (to her) that she was no longer her little boys mother either. She was an ex mom, not just an ex wife, and she started over with her new family – child included.”
“Wanting to come back now because her second son died, is such an enormous punch in the gut.”
“OP really did handle it perfectly.”
“His grandparents need to step back and accept that their own daughter is an a**hole. Even though the sentiment seems harsh in light of her recent loss, it’s the truth.”
“Sometimes the truth hurts when you’ve been horrible to your own son. Hugs to OP, I’m glad he has an amazing stepmother.” – PureHeart24
“NTA.”
“Mom spent the past 17 years pretending OP doesn’t exist. She doesn’t get to instantly re-start a relationship she threw away.”
“And OP shouldn’t be guilted into being his bio-mom’s emotional support animal.” – pcnauta
“She lost two sons.”
“She lost OP years ago when she made the decision that it was not important for her to be a mother to him once she got her do-over family. Then she lost her youngest to this tragic accident.”
“It’s unfortunate but she made her decision years before her second sons death. You’re NTA.” – noblestromana
“NTA, your mom is. And your grandparents are also TA if they’ve watched this situation unfold over years and only now decided to intervene.”
“Even if she’s genuinely regretting the past, that’s her problem because it was entirely her actions that put her in this place now. You aren’t an emotional support animal that she can pick up when she needs it.”
“It’s very reasonable you don’t want to be subbed in for Tommy when you were already swapped for him once.”
“She’s going to need to demonstrate that she wants to get to know you as a person, not a substitute son. And she’s got a lot of explaining to do.”
“She made you a stranger. She doesn’t get to call on strangers for help.” – threeforagirl
“NTA. She doesn’t genuinely regret it, she is asking out of purely selfish reasons.”
“If she regretted her actions and wanted a relationship without strings attached, she would have let OP take the lead and set the rules. Take it step by step.”
“The fact she’s already demanding that she needs this all and needs it now means this isn’t about OP; it’s about her own needs.”
“She hasn’t spoken to OP in years and still had the audacity to demand an emotional crutch.” – darthvadercake
“What you said was harsh, and probably not the best way to go about it, but she was pushing for a relationship that you’re not interested in.”
“She has been an absentee parent for what, 17 years now if I’m reading this correctly? If a relationship is started again at that point, it has to be on your terms, not hers, and it does not seem like she is respecting that.”
“Keep in mind that she f*cked up her relationship with you to begin with.”
“So, NTA. Your mother needs to respect your choices.” – Noltonn
We do truly feel for anyone who has lost a child, but it seems this mother may have lost two here and unfortunately some of it seems to be her doing.
We hope the family finds healing, whatever that may mean to them.