Gift-giving for weddings can present a litany of complications.
How much is enough to spend?
How little is too little?
Every penny is being accounted for in this financial climate, so giving extravagant gifts may not be in the cards. Problems arise quickly when people’s definitions of extravagant don’t match.
Redditor Extra-Bell-4224 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for offering cash instead of my labor for a wedding gift?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a hobby baker.”
“I’ve gifted cakes to family and friends before, but I’m very firm about not taking orders.”
“It is not enjoyable to me and would not be a profitable endeavor unless I was pursuing it as a career.”
“These gifts are typically for birthday parties, and the gift receiver gives me a size and a very general idea of what they would want it to look like, and I honor that in my own style and ability.”
“A cousin approached me about making her wedding cake ‘as your wedding gift to us.'”
“After a brief discussion, I confirmed it would not be a good fit.”
“After she persisted in arguing the reasons I offered, I switched tactics and offered to pay $250 towards her cake order placed with someone else.”
“The amount came from it being the maximum I would’ve considered spending on her gift.”
“She took a lot of offense at this, saying she could afford a cake, and I was implying she approached me because she can’t.”
“When I said I hadn’t meant anything by it, but that was my budget for a gift, she said it would barely cover a deposit for the kind of cake she would want.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, she said herself that $250 wouldn’t even cover the deposit for the kind of cake she wanted.”
“She basically wants you to bake a cake that is hundreds of dollars more than what you are willing to spend on a wedding gift that we can all assume will have to be meticulously decorated based on her ‘vision,’ and it’s not going to be perfect to her in the end, anyway.”
“You are dodging a raging migraine with this one, from what I can tell.” ~ springbean97
“I agree completely.”
“My husband 3D prints animals and such for me that I paint for my daughter and nieces.”
“My mom is constantly encouraging me to start selling them, but it is honestly something I do to de-stress.”
“The thought of having to fill orders and get them to people in a set time period takes all the fun out of me doing it.” ~ Jenerva
“I started baking as a way to keep busy when I quit drinking and realized I could make a really good cheesecake!”
“I would make them all the time, and people loved them, but the moment I took orders and there was a time frame, it wasn’t fun anymore.”
“It became stress, and that was exactly what I was trying to avoid.”
“Now I do what OP does and just make them for occasions.” ~ clryan92
“THANK YOU. I was a pastry chef for fine dining restaurants and hotels and volunteered to make wedding cakes for friends and family members because I had access to all the baking pans and tools, specialty ingredients, and transporting equipment at the kitchens where I worked.”
“The operative word here is ‘volunteered’ – I would only do it for people I loved very much.”
“They all accepted gratefully. I had cake-tasting parties for all of them (except for the ones who already knew my work well), and they had no problems with my limitations (i.e., I don’t do fondant or sugar work).”
“We collaborated on presentation and decoration, and I’m proud to say every one of them turned out well.”
“But– I did get requests for ‘free’ or ‘low-cost’ cakes from work acquaintances and other people I barely knew.”
“My favorites were a colleague of my sister’s who asked if I could make a cake for 275 guests for ‘around $150.'”
“I laughed and directed her to the bakery of a local supermarket or Costco, and she asked for a server I barely knew who expected a free cake for 150 guests.”
“‘But we work together, and you made a much bigger cake for Leah (the restaurant’s general manager, whom I adored) and it was free!'”
“Their outrage was hilarious, as if I were a cake-making machine, and of course, they only had to ask, and I’d hop right on it. No questions were asked, and no payment was needed.”
“As you can tell from these AH, OP, your cousin is one of their ilk.”
“You are NTA, just a skilled, generous person of whom clueless, entitled people think they can take advantage.”
“Don’t back down.”
“I always gave my skills to people I love and who love me – sad to say, your cousin isn’t coming to you from a place of love.” ~ Chazerai13
“NTA. My, my how people become so unabashedly entitled when they’re getting married.”
“I think 250 dollars towards the wedding cake is a generous offer.”
“By her own admission, she wants you to bake some colossal 1000+ dollar wedding cake, with you paying for all the ingredients of course.”
“Not to mention the labor. As a gift.”
“Do people not realize that they alienate their friends and family when they act like atrocious bridezillas?” ~ RedQueen88
“NTA. She’s mad you ‘implied’ she couldn’t afford a cake and then was ALSO mad you didn’t offer enough to cover the kind of cake she wanted?”
“Also, who TF feels comfortable asking a cousin for a $1,000+ wedding gift? WHAT?” ~ Accomplished_Pea2556
“NTA. I made one of my brother’s wedding cakes because he asked nicely, and it was a backyard COVID wedding with 25 people.”
“My other brother asked me to bake his wedding cake the following year, but it was a black-tie affair with 250 people, so I politely declined because that was way past my skill and what would bring joy.”
“And he was absolutely fine with that.” ~ MollyStrongMama
“NTA. If $250 would barely cover the deposit, then this person is asking a LOT of you.”
“They seem to be misunderstanding the meaning of ‘gift’ – it’s something that is offered freely, not demanded.” ~ Allaboutbird
“NTA. Hobby quilt maker here. I make them and gift them to friends.”
“An acquaintance heard I do and same thing.”
“Asked for a very complicated California king-size quilt.”
“No, I don’t know you, and I’m not making one.”
“But it’s for my daughter’s wedding.”
“So I said ok.”
“I would make it and charge her for my fabric and time.”
“Rough estimate $3,000. Now I’m unreasonable.”
“I just shook my head and walked away.”
“You are NEVER TA for setting and maintaining a boundary.” ~ Over-Marionberry-686
“NTA. First of all, a decent wedding cake costs a LOT of money.”
“Even a simple cake might cost a few hundred dollars.”
“So she was asking you something worth much more than the $250 you offered to give her as a gift.”
“There was nothing wrong with her asking you, I suppose, but she certainly shouldn’t have taken offense at you declining or you offering a practical alternative.”
“And it’s very likely she asked you because she knew how expensive a wedding cake can actually cost to have made.”
“Second of all, I totally understand about not taking orders, and it ruining the enjoyment.”
“Especially for a wedding.”
“I’ve made lots of cakes for people and been paid for them, but I’ve always refused to do wedding cakes because of the amount of pressure involved in getting it perfect.”
“I know people who were married decades ago who still say things like, ‘But our wedding cake was too dry,’ and I’m just not putting myself through that.” ~ gordonf23
“NTA. Your cousin sounds entitled and her attitude should reinforce your decision to decline what she was asking.”
“Honestly, I would probably go extra cheap with her gift because of it – get her a coffee grinder or something.” ~ alv269
“NTA. Wedding cakes aren’t cheap or simple to make.”
“She probably doesn’t have the money and wanted you to break your back and budget to save her money.” ~ messageinthebox
“NTA. My father traded an entire deer’s worth of hand-processed and packaged venison for my wedding cake.”
“I still spent half the time speaking with the person who made our cake praising their ideas and thanking them for undertaking the enormous effort that is making enough cake and then transporting it to the venue for what many would consider a small wedding (80ish guests).” ~ egoabsum
“NTA. Personally, I’d donate her gift value to the local soup kitchen in her name.”
“Since she doesn’t appreciate the gift of cake, the homeless population most likely will. 🤷♀️” ~ Good-Statement-9658
“NTA wow she sounds really entitled.”
“I don’t get people.”
“If I even had the nerve to ask it would be from a position of inquiry not expectation.”
“And if you said no it would be completely understandable.” ~ The_chill_good_life
“Wow! She would have been a terrible ‘client’ if you had agreed. NTA.” ~ CinnamonBlue
“NTA. If $250 wouldn’t even cover the deposit for what she wants, I can only imagine what your costs would be to make it for her, and that doesn’t even compensate for your time.”
“Her greed is breathtaking.”
“Withdraw your generous offer to her.”
“If you decide to attend the wedding, slip $50 in a card and call it done.” ~ Dixieland_Insanity
“NTA. She wasn’t out of bounds to ask, but if you politely declined and she continued to insist, then she was in the wrong.”
“No one is entitled to your labor.”
“In my opinion, you probably shouldn’t have said you’d contribute cash to another cake.”
“She might have asked you for financial reasons, but she also might have just wanted a cake made by a family member for sentimental reasons.”
“Maybe an offer to help her select an appropriate baker would have been better.” ~ mumbled_grumbles
“Has she ever seen a cake you created that was similar to the ‘kind of cake’ she wanted?”
“And how she twisted it into you assuming she couldn’t afford her cake from someone else.”
“Crazy how she couldn’t accept that you just weren’t comfortable making the cake and tried to help with getting one from someplace else. NTA.” ~ Avasgg
“NTA, I sew, and I do not do alterations or make formal clothing for people even if they will pay me.”
“it is my hobby, which is too much and does not make it happy.”
“It is not my job.”
“I 100% UNDERSTAND!” ~ Pomegranate_1328
“NTA. So how much is she expecting you to spend on the gift?”
“I’d suddenly have a very major scheduling conflict.” ~ Ok_Homework_7621
“NTA. Her words imply that you would have had to make a cake for a four-digit prize on your own, in your little kitchen, without professional equipment or staff.” ~ EuropeSusan
You have nothing to feel guilty or bad about, OP.
It sounds like your cousin is trying to take advantage.
You are being generous by offering the $250.
Let her get her own cake.
Good luck.